Regrets, mistakes and lessons learned

[Cora]

I have posted on here many times before about my breakup. There is nothing special or different about mine and I know everyone goes through them. I just felt I needed to write because it has been a very tough week for me. It's okay if nobody even reads this because I'm sure it's going to be extremely long anyway. I guess I think if I just write what I'm feeling it would help me somewhat I don't know.

 

The breakup with my ex was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever had to go through. We met at a very difficult period in my life. I had just been laid off from my job and was very depressed. I felt like my life was going nowhere and love was the last thing I was looking for. Literally out of the blue this wonderful guy appeared and made me forget about all my troubles. He was funny, intelligent, humble, very attractive and extremely interesting. He helped me through a lot and we became the best of friends. Over time I fell completely in love with this man.

 

Although this will sound silly and maybe even ridiculous to most....we fell in love from afar. It was a long distance relationship and we had never met in person. We talked about it constantly though. The relationship did not last long of course...only a little over eight months, but it was the most wonderful eight months of my life. I never knew I could love someone so much and so deeply. I realize now how naive I have been and yes I have learned from that. I put all my faith into someone I had never met. That was one of the biggest mistakes I could of made. I truly believed he loved me as well.

 

We did have our problems. I was completely crushed when I found out back in September that he was seeing this girl who lived only a short distance away from him. He would always say how I was the only one for him and how he was waiting for the day when we could finally be together. Yes, I know, being naive again on my part. Like I said I learned a lot from this. I continued being his friend for awhile because I couldn't bear the thought of never talking to him again. We had become really close. We spent hours talking to each other everyday for months. One Saturday we talked for nine hours straight! Ridiculous right? He became a daily part of my life...a daily part that wasn't easy to give up on. It just became too difficult for me to even remain his friend...especially when he would talk about her, how wonderful she was and what their plans were for the following weekend etc. So I began to distance myself from him. I started hearing from him less and less until there was finally no more contact for a couple of months. Then at the beginning of January of this year he calls me out of the blue drunk and upset. He told me how much he missed me and how he made a huge mistake. He said the girl he was seeing was not who he thought she was and it wasn't working out. He told me he wanted me back and apoligized for days. I fell for it and we began to talk again.

 

I fell for him harder than I did the first time. Everything was great or so it seemed. He made me so happy and we began to plan our first meeting...something we had been waiting months for!! So exciting right? Our meeting was less than a month away when I got that last phone call from him. The conversation went great and he was his normal self. Nothing different or wrong that I could tell. But...that was one thing I learned about him. He was such a great liar! We ended the conversation with I love you and he told me how he couldn't wait to see me. That was the last time I ever heard from him. He disappeared and made it impossible for me to get in touch with him. I was left with all these unanswered questions. I couldn't figure out why someone I loved so much and who I thought loved me as well could do something like this?

 

A little later I finally found out that he never broke up with that girl and they were very much still together, happier than ever. To my surprise he had even asked her to marry him and they were in the middle of planning their wedding. I still don't understand why he felt he had to lie to me but I was devastated! I literally wanted to die and I fell into a deep state of depression for months. He was my first love and this was just more than I could deal with. Sure I had met guys before, gone on dates etc.. but this was different. I had never fell so hard for anyone. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I was going through the motions of life but I wasn't really there.

 

I was starting to give up on ever feeling happy again until I met someone who's company I really enjoyed. It may not seem like such a big deal but he made me reallize that I could be happy again. Soon I wasn't thinking of my ex on a daily basis. I was too intrigued with talking to this new and very interesting guy. I just wanted to put all of my attention into getting to know him. Now this is the part that is going to sound unusual. I know it's very rare but I was a virgin and always thought my ex would be my first. I always believed in waiting until marriage or at least someone you were committed to long term. I wanted it to be special and I just couldn't see myself sleeping with just anyone. Now I don't know if it was because I was so hurt over losing my ex or what but I ate those words pretty quick.

 

It was hard for me because I am very shy and even though I had dated before I had not been on very many at all. I'm 26 years old and had never even kissed a guy before. Very rare right? I consider myself to be attractive, funny and somewhat intelligent but my shyness held me back every time. I really believe I have a severe case of social anxiety. Anyway the first night I met this new guy I got not only my first kiss but I slept with him as well. That was my second big mistake. I liked him a lot and was very attracted to him. I became very attached to him and I'm sure it's because we became intimate. We went on a second date the next day and talked a bit more but then nothing. Now I can't seem to get him out of my head and yeah I know it's because he was my first and I'll never forget him. I just feel hurt all over again. I feel used and stupid for what I have done. If I have learned anything at all it's not to get involved too soon after one relationship fails. I got hurt again by the very thing I thought was helping me to get over my ex. He did help me and for that I will be forever grateful to him. I just wish things could have turned out differently for us.

 

I know a lot of you are probably wondering why the hell I'm even writing this? I honestly don't know other than the fact I was hoping it would make me feel better. I have just made a lot of mistakes and yes I think I have learned from them. The past few days I have just been thinking a lot about things....things I wish I could of done differently....turn back time somehow. I guess I'm just like everyone. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm just ready for a break.....some time to breathe again. What do you guys do to help you get through these times? I'm sorry for rambling on like this. I know this is very long and pretty pointless and for that I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a bit pathetic and down. Figured this might help a little.

[EmperorR]

First Loves are always hard and extremely difficult to get over, but the one thing it gives you is experience for your next relationship.

 

My first love was my ex fiance, would have been married next week the 21st, but she cheated on me and left me it took me forever it seemed to get over it, but it opened my eyes and I ended up learning so much about myself and relationships in general.

 

I know its hard to get these thoughts out of your mind etc., but there is nothing you could have done differently we can't og back in the past and change anything and just thinking of it sucks I know. To get through these times, all i do is listen to music try to keep myself busy and occupied, read stoies her, keep tellng myself I'm not the only one going through thiss and this will only make me stronger in the end.

[Cora]

Thank you for your response and for even reading my post. I just realized how insanely long it is! It felt good to write it all out though. I have learned writing can be very therapeutic and if it wasn't for this forum I think I would go crazy! I am sorry to hear about your ex fiance. That has to be really tough! Like you said knowing that you aren't the only one who is hurting or has been hurt really does help. Thanks again

[kizik]

Whew.

 

Cora, I feel for you. I went through a very painful breakup a year ago, hence the reason for joining this site. I was with my ex for three years, the last year being long-distance, as she took a job 200 miles away.

 

She became emotionally distant and eventually pushed me to break up with her by treating me really neglectfully. She didn't have the guts to break up with me, so she "made" me do it, thus avoiding any guilt or sense of wrong-doing that she feared so much.

 

You see, she hates herself, and instead of dealing with that through professional counseling and medication, she did everything within her power to make me hate MYself. And it worked, for a while. I bought into all the negative bullsh*t she said about me and tried to change.

 

Anyway, I realize now that I'm just great the way I am, and that I will never allow anyone to try to change me again, nor will I ever attempt to change anyone else.

 

Cora, you did nothing wrong. OK? First, know that. You fell in love, which is always a huge, wonderful risk. You are right, though, when you say that there are lessons to be learned here. Personally, I would advise against any long-distance thing again (and as you now know, I am speaking from experience here), because one's perception of his/her lover is skewed by the total inconsistency of WORDS.

 

Words are bullsh*t unless backed up by action. My ex loved to say she loved me, but then she wouldn't ever spend time with me. She would berate me. She would put huge burdens on me to solve her problems, and then get angry when I couldn't.

 

Cora, you're gonna be fine. Just from your writing, I can tell you are a sweet, intelligent, great young woman. Please don't sell yourself short to men anymore, though. And this means really working on your self-image to the point where you no longer need much external validation from others - namely, men.

 

Good luck.

 

-Josh

[EmperorR]

Thank you for your response and for even reading my post. I just realized how insanely long it is! It felt good to write it all out though. I have learned writing can be very therapeutic and if it wasn't for this forum I think I would go crazy! I am sorry to hear about your ex fiance. That has to be really tough! Like you said knowing that you aren't the only one who is hurting or has been hurt really does help. Thanks again

 

Writing is always good, trust me I've let out my feelings here time and time again, I know friends get tiresome, so this site is great in that regards, length never matters just let it out:).

 

And it was really tough, I had no friends, was embarrassed for months to tell my family, was in debt thanks to her, but slowly but surely I got over it.

 

Just got to keep reminding yourself there is nothing you could hae done it's their loss.

[Cora]

Kizik: I really appreciate your response. It cheered me up a bit so thank you for that. I tend to get a bit long winded in my posts so I'm surprised anyone actually made it through the whole thing. Yeah, you are right. I have learned a huge lesson not to put so much faith into someone's words when they have showed no action to back up those words. I was so naive and still am a bit but I'm working on that. I know that my ex never cared about me. I do see that now because if he did he would never do something so horrible. Knowing that he never cared or loved me has helped me to get over him. It was a real blow at first but I know I deserve better. It took many friends telling me this over and over before I actually believed it myself. It's nice to know someone can relate to what you are going through so thank you so much for your kind words.

 

EmperorR: Yeah, I'm afraid all of my friends are pretty much tired of hearing me go on and on about the whole mess. So it's nice to have a place like this where I can come and just vent my frustrations and know that there are others who understand what you are/have been going through because they have been there themselves. It has helped me so much to post here and also to read others heartbreaking stories. I can almost feel their pain. Thanks again!

[Tizzy]

I have just made a lot of mistakes and yes I think I have learned from them. The past few days I have just been thinking a lot about things....things I wish I could of done differently....turn back time somehow... What do you guys do to help you get through these times?

 

I've learned not to beat myself up over the mistakes I make in life. They are gonna happen and the best I can do is learn from them and try to make a change going forward. I focus on the fact that tomorrow and today is literally a new day and that I don't have to repeat the mistakes from my past. I can do things differently and make better decisions, today. So that's what I do. Make changes, today, that help me go in the direction I want. That helps me get thru tough times and regrets. The key is to not beat yourself up over things you can't go back and change. What's been done is done, but you can change how you are going forward. Hope that made some sense.

[EmperorR]

Kizik: I really appreciate your response. It cheered me up a bit so thank you for that. I tend to get a bit long winded in my posts so I'm surprised anyone actually made it through the whole thing. Yeah, you are right. I have learned a huge lesson not to put so much faith into someone's words when they have showed no action to back up those words. I was so naive and still am a bit but I'm working on that. I know that my ex never cared about me. I do see that now because if he did he would never do something so horrible. Knowing that he never cared or loved me has helped me to get over him. It was a real blow at first but I know I deserve better. It took many friends telling me this over and over before I actually believed it myself. It's nice to know someone can relate to what you are going through so thank you so much for your kind words.

 

EmperorR: Yeah, I'm afraid all of my friends are pretty much tired of hearing me go on and on about the whole mess. So it's nice to have a place like this where I can come and just vent my frustrations and know that there are others who understand what you are/have been going through because they have been there themselves. It has helped me so much to post here and also to read others heartbreaking stories. I can almost feel their pain. Thanks again!

 

 

It's a life experience that helps you learn, I always got caught up in words and sometimes still do, after my ex fiance, I dated again, I got the "your the only one for me", "ill never dump you or hurt you" bla bla, yet she did, if it wasn't for what I went through with my ex fiance I would have begged pleaded said but you said yesterday you loved me and couldnt wait to be together. But the lessoN i learned is always look at actions never words, can a deaf person who is also illiterate still show love? Yes. Actions>>>>>>>words

[Cora]

Tizzy: I like the part where you said you can change how you go forward. That right there is the best part. I guess that is the whole point of making the mistakes. Yeah, they aren't pleasant to make but they have a whole lot to teach you. Thank you for responding!

 

EmperorR: I am learning that more and more each day...not to put so much faith into someone's words. I try to take what people tell me now with a grain of salt and if later they can show me they really care then great! If not then I know it was just a line they were feeding me. It's a hard lesson to learn but I'm slowly getting there I think.