Steadfast Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 OK, here’s the two things I loved most about my ‘rebound’ romance. One, After a painful separation and divorce from the woman I thought was (and still think is) the love of my life, it was wonderful being the center of someone’s affections again. I was called, I was cuddled, I was fed and I was bedded. She was attractive; physically, a total opposite of my ex-wife (both are attractive, just differences in height, color, figure, etc) and I liked that. Two, I loved how she made the ex jealous; she (the ex) even confronted her at my house once. It was a bit scary, but hearing my ex tell my rebound that ‘Until she decided, I was still her husband and this was still our home’ was truly a shock. She had an affair, she told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. She left. The classic tale. That part seemed funny when I booted her out, but I'm afraid the joke might have been on me. Truth is, my ex’s comments affected me in a way I didn’t anticipate. I began thinking about her more and more. Again. At one point I had made up my mind that I did not, and would not ever love my rebound girl. I was still in love with my ex-wife. Damn! I knew that even without words that the possibility of my ex being able to manipulate me was very real, and probably the reason my rebound lasted as long as it did. Throw in my kids’ (lukewarm) reaction to Miss rebound, her increasing frustration at my lack of devotion plus an ex-boyfriend thrown in for leverage, and I had a whole new set of problems. I knew what happened last week was inevitable. My rebound is moving away (back home) and marrying the man she dated before me. Her problems aren’t the issue here, but it is clear to me now that –at least part- of her attraction to me was based on the need for a man, a husband, in her life. When she finally concluded that I would not commit, she acted decisively. Now, I am not only dealing with the feelings of my divorce, but a new break up. It isn’t as bad, nowhere near close, but I can’t help but to feel a little angry that if it weren’t for my ex I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I was a faithful husband and father. I still am. I have to wonder what the payoff is in all of this. Now I start a phase in my life where I know I need to be alone. I have not been alone/single for twenty-five years, so I have some pretty old demons to slay. I am not sure where the ex (who continues to angle for ‘more time’ with me) fits into all of this, I simply know that I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. It is as simple as that. Maybe the real question is…can I trust myself? That’s the issue I’m facing. Am I as needy as I sometimes feel? I do like the companionship of a caring woman. I have a lot to offer in the way of honesty and dedication. Oh well, at least I know I can still attract women, but that is of little consolation right now. I feel bad. Time to start the process I guess… Thanks for listening.
EmperorR Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 25 years wow that's a long tme. From my experience after my fiance dumped me and left me for someone new, I ended up in a rebound, it felt great to feel wanted etc., but with her I would sitll think of my ex yes I was a P.O.S., but then you know what happened I started to fall for her and just when I did I got dumped. But a part of me knows I deserve it because I wasn't over my previous demons. I'm doing exactly what your doing now, going in alne not going into another rebound
LadyV Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 "Now, I am not only dealing with the feelings of my divorce, but a new break up. It isn’t as bad, nowhere near close, but I can’t help but to feel a little angry that if it weren’t for my ex I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I was a faithful husband and father. I still am. I have to wonder what the payoff is in all of this." All I can say is that I SO RELATE!!!!!! I was married for 13 years, and my XH and I separated just shy of 2 years, and our divorce has been final since Feb 08. I didn't date anyone, didn't want to until I met my XB in November of last year. I was a dedicated wife to a military man as well as am a dedicated mother to our boys. Our divorce was nasty in the beginning, but now, honestly, we get a long better then we have in the past 7 years or so....Now, I'm dealing with a break up too, and has me questioning the wounds of my divorce as well... "Now I start a phase in my life where I know I need to be alone. I have not been alone/single for twenty-five years, so I have some pretty old demons to slay." This is honestly where I want to be...I want to be alone for a while, become a strong, independent woman that I know is within me. When I started dating my XBF, It wasn't until a few months into it that I realized that I was willing to loose myself..who I am, for him. Now that we are broken up, I am trying to take care of ME and discover who I am.... It's a hard road to face, I fear being a lone, I fear opening up again, but I need time to heal...I love what you say about the old demons to slay...I too have demons I want to get rid of so I can be emotionally stable and ready to really love someone, and not hang onto someone who can't love me the way I deserve, and I will no longer settle for less.... Thanks so much for sharing your post!
Author Steadfast Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 I am having a hard time figuring out if my rebound had more positives or negatives. I can say for certainty that some good things came from it. It snapped the ex out of her P.I.T.A. disposition, no question and caused her to waffle on and on. First it bothered her, then it didn't, then it did... I didn't rub it in, no need. I was just living my life and it was my business. There are good reasons people warn of rebound relationships, and I knew many of the dangers going in. Still, it will keep happening because what a cheater does to a faithful spouse is unnaturally cruel and heartless. Really, one has NO IDEA what it feels like to be betrayed unless you've walked in those shoes. Seriously, sex outside of marriage is child's play next to the abandonment. If you don't believe that, just ask someone who's lived it. The reason rebounds will keep happening is because, if you have the chance, you'll do almost anything to stop the suffering. Still, I have learned that _our_ suffering is slight next to what the cheater faces. They carry that burden over the long haul. Often times the guilt turns them into mean, bitter people. All I can say is, no thanks. I'd rather be alone than live that. It's a hard road to face, I fear being a lone, I fear opening up again, but I need time to heal...I love what you say about the old demons to slay...I too have demons I want to get rid of so I can be emotionally stable and ready to really love someone, and not hang onto someone who can't love me the way I deserve, and I will no longer settle for less.... Thanks so much for sharing your post! You're welcome. I'm no expert, but I think the key in this is not allowing the actions of others to control us...to control how we act, or even how we think. Forgiveness probably plays a big part in there somewhere too. If that can be learned, then we're on the way to something better. For me, personally, I'm going to try my hardest to avoid the search for a partner and channel my energy towards my kids, work and hobbies. I am also going to return to the various rest homes I visited before my rebound (during the times the kids are with their mom) and begin reading again. The folks there so enjoyed it, and I felt a positive change within myself. Eat, sleep and take care Lady V, I'm sure the best is ahead for for all of us.
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