Snowflower Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 For some of us it was. The act of adultery itself was nothing compared to the lies, the meanness, the gas lighting, the blame shifting and the emotional abuse. All these things he did in the name of keeping his A private and ongoing. So as I have heard here not to paint all A with the same brush, don't paint all marriages as worth saving. Where is the OP? I agree, bent, that all marriages are not worth saving. An affair often (but not always) is the final coffin nail in an already bad marriage. Like you say, all affairs can be painted with the same brush either. The gas-lighting, blame-shifting, etc. does not always occur in every affair. My husband did not do these things during his A. Instead, he became withdrawn from me and life itself. So, it just goes to show that every marriage and affair is different. Which is why I argue with the "yeah, just get a divorce" mentality on these threads. Many marriages should and do end after d-day. Others (like mine) survive and become stronger and better.
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I have never felt that divorce is the best thing for everyone. I think I have said on here more than once, that it takes a stronger person than I am to look at someone and wonder if they are lying to me the rest of my life. I refuse to live that way. For those who do, God bless 'em. I do believe however that all A that are kept in the dark by the ones who cheat, will eventually be found out and months or years will have passed and the BS will wonder what parts of their life was a lie, that is only human nature. I do desire the person who had the A to be exposed, because I believe it isn't fair that they get all the pieces to the puzzle to complete it and the BS only gets some of the pieces to see the bigger picture, that's wrong.
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not saying they are all worth saving. Some were way too damaged prior to the affair to save. Some the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. Mine's just not one of them. I am sorry if I am wrong, but weren't you one of the people who said their spouse didn't know about the A? If, I repeat if, you haven't told him, then how do you know if your marriage would survive with full disclosure? Wouldn't that mean you have to hide some of your BS's life from them in order for you to live what you believe is a stable marriage? I apologize if I am wrong.
confusedinkansas Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I am sorry if I am wrong, but weren't you one of the people who said their spouse didn't know about the A? If, I repeat if, you haven't told him, then how do you know if your marriage would survive with full disclosure? Wouldn't that mean you have to hide some of your BS's life from them in order for you to live what you believe is a stable marriage? I apologize if I am wrong. He knows. Actually, we did end up splitting up for a year (my choice/I left) 3 years after the affair. But that had nothing to do with the split. So, not only did we survive the actual affair - we also survived living apart for a year.
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 He knows. Actually, we did end up splitting up for a year (my choice/I left) 3 years after the affair. But that had nothing to do with the split. So, not only did we survive the actual affair - we also survived living apart for a year. Thank you for the clarification. I couldn't remember the exact details and I am a bit too lazy to today to research.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Where is the OP? I agree, bent, that all marriages are not worth saving. An affair often (but not always) is the final coffin nail in an already bad marriage. It can also be the nail in the coffin to a marriage that wasn't bad, but one person decided to gratify themselves outside of the marriage. So if the marriage wasn't damaged, with the exception of one spouse just can't resist temptation, the cheating damages it permanently for some.
confusedinkansas Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Thank you for the clarification. I couldn't remember the exact details and I am a bit too lazy to today to research. That's fine.....I don't blame you. It is easier to just ask.
Reggie Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 It is a bad way to end a marriage. It was the final nail in mine. I woud have much more respect for my XWW had she done this honorably.
soserious1 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I don't agree that a person can love their spouse and still cheat. It's like someone beating the crap out of her/his spouse and claiming to love the spouse. Just acnnot be true, IMO. . I can agree with WS who say they felt "love" during their affairs.. but that love wasn't for the stupid faithful spouse at home, it wasn't even love directed at the OM/OW but rather a love of self, a love aimed at totally meeting their own needs, no matter the potential costs to their spouse, kids or themselves for that matter. For me, this is a big piece of why I'll someday be able to forgive but would never be able to live with an unfaithful partner after D day. I just honest to god cannot see myself ever being able to forget that he was willing to throw me, his honor and vows under the bus in pursuit of his own baser instincts and desires.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I can agree with WS who say they felt "love" during their affairs.. but that love wasn't for the stupid faithful spouse at home, it wasn't even love directed at the OM/OW but rather a love of self, a love aimed at totally meeting their own needs, no matter the potential costs to their spouse, kids or themselves for that matter. For me, this is a big piece of why I'll someday be able to forgive but would never be able to live with an unfaithful partner after D day. LOL, I hear ya! When I said in a forum that I refuse to stay with a cheater, I was asked, "Dex...don't you EVER forgive??"(as if not staying with a cheater had to do with forgiveness" My answer.."maybe, dunno...sure. But it would go something like this....I forgive you...now get out.":cool:
Recommended Posts