boldjack Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Trendy, to give your marriage a chance, you must fix the issues that you have. To fix yourself, you must be honest with yourself, to be honest with yourself, you must be honest with your therapist, to be honest with your therapist, you must be honest with your husband. It ALL Comes back to honesty. By not "coming clean", with your Husband, you are disrespecting him and making matters worse. How can he participate in repairing the marriage without knowing about the affair? Are you going to continue to lie to him , forever?
Athena Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I don't have the courage to tell my therapist because I'm ashamed, I know they will judge me like most of you have and I don't blame you or the therapist. I appreciate all the responses though. THank you. No, a therapist does NOT judge! If yours will, or does, judge you then drop him/her and find a new one... in fact you might as well go find a new therapist if you feel so much shame. Look, it's not that you are a bad person so much as what you are doing is not right... it is not right because you have to lie to keep your actions secret. Frankly, if your H has cheated on you in the past, and now you feel that you want to stop your own cheating, why not come clean with him? You may be happy with the results of starting to speak the Truth... whether it leads to a divorce, or to a renewed marriage, I don't know, but the way you are carrying on now is not making you happy, so you need to CHANGE.
Darth Vader Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Of course you do - You have it all figured out. You just can't find it in yourself to forgive. That's too bad. But it's what makes the world go around. If we were all alike it'd be boring. Of course that's easy for you to say, because it didn't happen to you! Oh, wait a minute, you were the cheater that got to ride another man and have mind blowing orgasms while destorying another person's heart and mind in the process. Not caring about the pain you were inflicting upon another person. Well, I see that your heart and mind are fully intact, so nothing for you to fell bad about huh? Just looks like another way to sweep it all under the rug so you don't have to think about it. It must make living with yourself alot easier.
tami-chan Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 You just proved my point. All you did was conveniently decide that you didn't love him at the time you cheated...but then came to a grand revelation AFTER THE FACT that you did. How does someone in their head say, "I love my spouse...but I really want an orgasm from this other person":sick: even so, if someone told me, "I know I cheated, but I love you", I'll never accept this as the truth and my answer back would by, "ya right....nice knowing ya" usually REALIZATION comes AFTER the fact....thoughts of cheating, acts of cheating , etc.....if it came BEFORE the fact, there wont be facts nor realizations...sheesh...
tami-chan Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Well I'm not graphic just to be so, or am I doing it just to be crude. That is how it is. Everyone that says they love the person the screwd over...well, they can just ask themselves...what were they thinking when they were cumming with the OM/OW? "I love my spouse?":o LOL...Dexter Morgan, c'mon..."Spread open her legs" is not crude?....when you know that if your were being polite, you would have used phrases like "slept with" etc...mmm... unless of course, that's considered polite in your social circle? Still it does make for an interesting post...lol...
bentnotbroken Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I thank those who tried to understand my feelings and actions, not excusing myself, I'm responsible for them, but I appreciate it, yes, my issues are a lot deeper than infidelity, it goes back to my childhood, but I know I'm responsible to fix them and I haven't. And I can see where those who bashed me are coming from, I really do. It must be nice to feel so secure about yourself, self rightgeous, and to be able to judge others because you live a perfect life, unfortunately that has not been my life, but I do want to be better and I will try. Here we go again with that perfect life, why judge me crap. No one is judging you. No one has that right or that power. Self righteous in what way, by saying wrong is wrong. Perfect in what way? We are all sinners. Different sins, same stench. It's not about you at this point. You have taken some one's life from them by lying to them for years. And you have the nerve enough to say, that your life isn't perfect:eek:at least you know the truth about you. And by your own admission, the type of life you have lead and by extension forced your wife to live because she doesn't know and you say you have no intention of telling her. You have allowed her to live a lie and you play the woe is me crap. Give me a freaking break. Judging no. Telling you to give her a chance at life, hell yeah.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 LOL...Dexter Morgan, c'mon..."Spread open her legs" is not crude? Read again. I said I don't say thing JUST to be crude. ....when you know that if your were being polite, you would have used phrases like "slept with" now why would I sugarcoat an act of ultimate betrayal. when people use terms like "slept with", and yes, I use it alot, its downplaying what really happened...trying to make it look like less of a bad thing. But when I want to get my point across...the ol, "spreading" does the trick nicely:) etc...mmm... unless of course, that's considered polite in your social circle? a despicable act doesn't deserve politeness. sorry.
tami-chan Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Read again. I said I don't say thing JUST to be crude. now why would I sugarcoat an act of ultimate betrayal. when people use terms like "slept with", and yes, I use it alot, its downplaying what really happened...trying to make it look like less of a bad thing. But when I want to get my point across...the ol, "spreading" does the trick nicely:) Oh I read it, thus the response. You do not need to make excuses about using such verbiage "just to be crude". You are being crude. Normal, decent conversations don't usually include that kind of talk...."sleep with" is a common term, nobody would mistake that for anything but... But then again, maybe in your social circle that IS normal. a despicable act doesn't deserve politeness. sorry. My point exactly, you were not being polite, you were being crude. You do not have to say "sorry", it is what you believe. To borrow your term, no need to "sugarcoat" it... To me cheating is not the ULTMATE BETRAYAL...it IS a betrayal but I won't say it IS the ULTIMATE---that's giving the WS too much power over you-as if your very life depends on his or her trustworthiness. I think the ultimate betrayal is what Scott Peterson did to his wife, Lacey. For as long as there is life, betrayals are surmountable and one can heal from it....Lacey didn't get that chance.
Reggie Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Does anyone really believe a person cheating on someone loves the cheatee?. That is absolutely absurd IMO. Why on earth do cheaters and even some BSs buy this line. If that is love, I want no part of it.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 To me cheating is not the ULTMATE BETRAYAL Oh, but of course not:rolleyes:
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Does anyone really believe a person cheating on someone loves the cheatee?. That is absolutely absurd IMO. Why on earth do cheaters and even some BSs buy this line. If that is love, I want no part of it. Yes, this happened in my sitch. I've posted about my own situation here before. My husband loved me and loves me still. I was not the perfect wife and he wasn't the perfect husband. But, I know that he has always loved me and we both learned from our mistakes. And no, I am not naive, spineless or stupid. I could take care of myself and my kids just fine alone. I just chose to continue to love my husband back and save my marriage instead. It is possible for the cheating spouse to love their spouse and sometimes they don't love them. It just depends!
tami-chan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Oh, but of course not:rolleyes: Clever how you parse my statement! LOL!!!!!! Let me ask you something, Dexter Morgan. which one is a greater betrayal...a husband who cheats on his wife? or a husband who cheats and murders his wife and the fetus in her womb?
tami-chan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Yes, this happened in my sitch. I've posted about my own situation here before. My husband loved me and loves me still. I was not the perfect wife and he wasn't the perfect husband. But, I know that he has always loved me and we both learned from our mistakes. And no, I am not naive, spineless or stupid. I could take care of myself and my kids just fine alone. I just chose to continue to love my husband back and save my marriage instead. It is possible for the cheating spouse to love their spouse and sometimes they don't love them. It just depends! I agree with you, snowflower. One simply cannot gauge love using his/her own experiences. That's the problem with some, they always bring their own experiences as if it is some kind of standard. It is silly.
Snowflower Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I agree with you, snowflower. One simply cannot gauge love using his/her own experiences. That's the problem with some, they always bring their own experiences as if it is some kind of standard. It is silly. Thanks, tami. I have gotten tired of trying to defend my position here about why I stayed in my marriage after my husband's infidelity. I don't even "go there" anymore. I know my own truth. We can only give advice based on our own experiences, I agree. And many times posting our own experiences can be helpful. No problem there. I just hate to see someone come here for help and be called spineless if they want to stay in their marriage with a WS or bashed severely if they are the OP or WS. Name calling does no one any good, neither does being told that a divorce is what needs to happen in every situation.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 "There are many great things about you. You should start to focus on what makes you a great person." I don't see anything that makes me a great person, never have. I'm also not a stay at home mother, or a housewife, I have always worked , and also while being married. I don't blame my husband for my behavior, my husband is a better husband now, he wasn't for years of our relationship, he cheated too, he doesn't financially support me, we both support our children and ourselves, we both work. Again, there is much more to my story, but I do NOT blame him, I take full responsability for my actions. I do want to change, I feel empty inside, always have, I haven't cheated all the time, it was 3 times in 18 years, not that is ok, just letting you all know. I have tried to stop, but failed those times. I don't have the courage to tell my therapist because I'm ashamed, I know they will judge me like most of you have and I don't blame you or the therapist. I appreciate all the responses though. THank you. I know that when you look in the mirror there are some good things that you see. What are things that you do well? Are you smart? Sweet? Beautiful? Funny? What do over people value you for? I don't care if you both work. If the reason your staying away from divorce is because you don't want to lose the combined income... then your using him for financial reasons. If you don't love him... end it. There is no shame in that. I honestly think you need to find a way to love yourself first. Usually when someone gets to the attitude point you have... it's often because things in the past have beaten you down. I thank those who tried to understand my feelings and actions, not excusing myself, I'm responsible for them, but I appreciate it, yes, my issues are a lot deeper than infidelity, it goes back to my childhood, but I know I'm responsible to fix them and I haven't. And I can see where those who bashed me are coming from, I really do. It must be nice to feel so secure about yourself, self rightgeous, and to be able to judge others because you live a perfect life, unfortunately that has not been my life, but I do want to be better and I will try. Judgment is not something to be feared. All of us at some point are weighed and measured. When we do wrong, it's best to hear from others that it is wrong. I've been there and I know. People who come and pat you on the back, tell you its all right, that what you do is not bad... those people hold no love for you. They only seek that you stay in the muddle that you are currently in. I believe that what you did was wrong and that you are better than that. I think you will rise above when you see that you are deserving of more.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Clever how you parse my statement! LOL!!!!!! Let me ask you something, Dexter Morgan. which one is a greater betrayal...a husband who cheats on his wife? or a husband who cheats and murders his wife and the fetus in her womb? Apples and oranges. The 2nd scenario is the act of a psychopath. But if you want to know, yes, the 2nd does more harm obviously. But to me, without referring to extreme cases of a psycho, yes, cheating is still the ultimate betrayal.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I agree with you, snowflower. One simply cannot gauge love using his/her own experiences. That's the problem with some, they always bring their own experiences as if it is some kind of standard. It is silly. You want to talk about "standards"? What is the reason behind YOUR standard of religiously defending cheating spouses and trying to put all too much of the burden on a BS?
Dexter Morgan Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Thanks, tami. I have gotten tired of trying to defend my position here about why I stayed in my marriage after my husband's infidelity. I don't even "go there" anymore. I know my own truth. We can only give advice based on our own experiences, I agree. And many times posting our own experiences can be helpful. No problem there. I just hate to see someone come here for help and be called spineless if they want to stay in their marriage with a WS While I will always advice divorcing a WS, I NEVER would call a BS any name like you have. I sympathize with them. If a BS wants to stay with a WS, I can voice my opinion, but in the end, I wish them luck.
fooled once Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 For MANY people, the ULTIMATE act of BETRAYAL in a marriage IS cheating. DUH - what else would it be? MANY people expect their spouse to stand by their commitment. MANY people don't screw other people when they are in a committed marriage. Some people excuse/forgive the cheater. <shrug> But many don't. And I can't stand it when people do the whole "my poor childhood lead me to do xxx". Please. Admit your mistake and learn from it. Don't blame it on the fact that you didn't have a perfect childhood. Who the heck did? But to blame current adult actions on bulls*t from the childhood .... excuse, excuse, excuse. OP, you have proven you can't be faithful -- you try to explain it by your poor child hood and the fact that your current spouse has cheated, so therefore, it must be okay if you cheat. If you don't want to be a COMMITTED monogamis relationship is because of knowing "how good it is" some where else. ... relationship, don't be in one. But at least let your spouse know you can't do it. At least let them now you can't honor what you said you were going to do. Be truthful with yourself or else you won't be able to 'fit' your mistakes. Let your husband know you are having an emotional affair and let him know of any prior physical/emotional affairs you had. Let him get tested for STD's and give him the opportunity to decide if HE wants to stay with you.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 While I will always advice divorcing a WS, I NEVER would call a BS any name like you have. I sympathize with them. If a BS wants to stay with a WS, I can voice my opinion, but in the end, I wish them luck. Correction snow, I didn't mean to write "I NEVER would call a BS any name like you have" I meant that I would never call a BS any name as you have HIGHLIGHTED. Didn't mean that you call them names. sorry
Snowflower Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Correction snow, I didn't mean to write "I NEVER would call a BS any name like you have" I meant that I would never call a BS any name as you have HIGHLIGHTED. Didn't mean that you call them names. sorry No problem!
Reggie Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I agree, cheating is a terrible betrayal. Ultimate? Not sure what that means. But, there is no question it (cheating) is terribly abusive and damaging.
confusedinkansas Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Damaging...Yes! To all involved. But the be all & end all of a marriage...Or a reason to wallow in self pity - NOPE!
bentnotbroken Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Damaging...Yes! To all involved. But the be all & end all of a marriage...Or a reason to wallow in self pity - NOPE! For some of us it was. The act of adultery itself was nothing compared to the lies, the meanness, the gas lighting, the blame shifting and the emotional abuse. All these things he did in the name of keeping his A private and ongoing. So as I have heard here not to paint all A with the same brush, don't paint all marriages as worth saving.
confusedinkansas Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not saying they are all worth saving. Some were way too damaged prior to the affair to save. Some the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. Mine's just not one of them.
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