confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 even so, if someone told me, "I know I cheated, but I love you", I'll never accept this as the truth and my answer back would by, "ya right....nice knowing ya" Just because you say "ya right....nice knowing ya" Doesn't mean everyone thinks the same way. There are people in this world that can see past an affair. It is humanly possible:) to forgive....to move past & to L O V E & to realize the love was there all along. Just got a lil' misplaced for a while. Not justifying! An affair is not what a person is ABOUT. (watch Dateline or 20/20- whichever one was on last week) Some people can see that - Others can't.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 There are people in this world that can see past an affair. It is humanly possible:) to forgive....to move past & to L O V E & to realize the love was there all along. Really? even during your orgasm with the OM? Did you call your husband's name out when the other man was putting it to you? sorry, the "love" wasn't their when you were banging the other guy.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 An affair is not what a person is ABOUT. someone that screws someone else other than their spouse or committed partner...I got a pretty good idea what they are "ABOUT".
bentnotbroken Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I agree....I sure as hell wouldn't "feel the love" from someone that spread her legs for another man. As far as I am concerned, anyone who loved me wouldn't knowingly expose me to potentially deadly diseases or to a bunny boiler. THAT AIN'T LOVE TO ME.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 someone that screws someone else other than their spouse or committed partner...I got a pretty good idea what they are "ABOUT". Of course you do - You have it all figured out. You just can't find it in yourself to forgive. That's too bad. But it's what makes the world go around. If we were all alike it'd be boring.
Snowflower Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Really? even during your orgasm with the OM? Did you call your husband's name out when the other man was putting it to you? sorry, the "love" wasn't their when you were banging the other guy. Dex, you're funny! I enjoy your graphic posts...probably a typical guy's view of sex! I'm not bashing you because I think you are spot on with your advice a lot of the time. Sex is a physical function-and as a guy you know this. It is completely possible to have sex with someone and not feel anything emotionally. But we digress from the original subject of this thread.
stuckinoz Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Dex, you're funny! I enjoy your graphic posts...probably a typical guy's view of sex! I'm not bashing you because I think you are spot on with your advice a lot of the time. Sex is a physical function-and as a guy you know this. It is completely possible to have sex with someone and not feel anything emotionally. But we digress from the original subject of this thread. Yep --- He sure is Funny! & where is the original poster? You all got off on a tangent here
bentnotbroken Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Of course you do - You have it all figured out. You just can't find it in yourself to forgive. That's too bad. But it's what makes the world go around. If we were all alike it'd be boring. What does knowing believing that someone who cheats didn't love their partner at the time(they may love them before and after an A, but certainly not during one, especially long term A's)have to do with forgiveness? I fail to see the connection, enlighten me. For the life of me I don't see how the two equate. I forgave Mr. Messy, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to be tested for STD's or that he couldn't have possible loved me, slept with another man's wife and looked me and that other man in the face and lie when confronted.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'm not saying that the "GOO GOO LOVE" was there during the affair. What I'm saying that it is possible to love someone & still be in the midst of an affair with someone else. I think that in the incidents where the spouse that is having the affair isn't in love with their spouse - those are the situatins where the spouse leaves for the affair partner. It is also possible to not see or realize the love at the time OF the affair. I also think it's kind of funny (not the ha ha kind) that you all think that just because someone that had the affair points out what is happening in their marriage at the time OF the affair...That's blame shifting. No, it's just explaining a time in their life.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 MOST of you think it's not possible. I think it is. Let's say we'll agree to disagree Dex....since we kind of hi-jacked this thread.
Snowflower Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I also think it's kind of funny (not the ha ha kind) that you all think that just because someone that had the affair points out what is happening in their marriage at the time OF the affair...That's blame shifting. No, it's just explaining a time in their life. I agree. Even long before my husband's affair... in other situations in my life, such as dealing with disciplining my children, work-related issues, etc., I have always believed that an explanation is NOT an excuse, justification or rationalization for anything. It is just that, an explanation. Doesn't make any behavior right and doesn't excuse anything either. Understanding why something happened or explaining it is not the same as justifying. CIK--you're never going to be able to get your point across to some here. They aren't interested in any viewpoints but their own!
bentnotbroken Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'm not saying that the "GOO GOO LOVE" was there during the affair. What I'm saying that it is possible to love someone & still be in the midst of an affair with someone else. I think that in the incidents where the spouse that is having the affair isn't in love with their spouse - those are the situatins where the spouse leaves for the affair partner. It is also possible to not see or realize the love at the time OF the affair. I also think it's kind of funny (not the ha ha kind) that you all think that just because someone that had the affair points out what is happening in their marriage at the time OF the affair...That's blame shifting. No, it's just explaining a time in their life. The problems of a marriage, are just that problems in a marriage. They do describe the marital discord, but don't explain the decision to cheat. I understand f-uped marriages, more than I care to. So explaining what was going on at the time of the A can be done by both parties. So why cheat? The problems don't explain the thought process to me, they just say there were some major issues that needed to be dealt with. We completely agree that strong marriages, don't include major issues, they get worked on and don't fester. But where we disagree is the way that one(or both)spouses deal with it.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 And for the umpteenth time....We are all different humans. We all deal with different things in our lives different ways. Right, Wrong or Indifferent. It is part of what makes the world go around. Some people deal with stress by gambling or drinking in excess. Some people deal with stress by exercising. Some people deal with rotten marriages by just jumping ship, others stick around & sleep around........See....very different behaviors. One may be more damaging than the other - but who's to say what's a right or wrong way to deal with certain situations. You all look at the SEX act with another person outside the marriage as the be all & end all of any marriage - no matter what. I just disagree with that. And, I know I'll get lots of flack for this post........Can't wait Trendy - I'm sorry we have hijacked your thread. We could move this back to NOTICE A PATTERN HERE.......
Snowflower Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I agree...let's move this discussion back to the other thread, Notice a Pattern...
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Snow - I added my last post to Notice A Pattern........Good idea!
Reggie Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I don't agree that a person can love their spouse and still cheat. It's like someone beating the crap out of her/his spouse and claiming to love the spouse. Just acnnot be true, IMO. As for disclosing details about pre-A problems in realting the tale of an affair, if it is not some form of justification, why even bring them up. These problems in no way relate to the decison to cheat. Why not talk about the affair and global warming? It is just about as relevant.
bentnotbroken Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 And for the umpteenth time....We are all different humans. We all deal with different things in our lives different ways. Right, Wrong or Indifferent. It is part of what makes the world go around. Some people deal with stress by gambling or drinking in excess. Some people deal with stress by exercising. Some people deal with rotten marriages by just jumping ship, others stick around & sleep around........See....very different behaviors. One may be more damaging than the other - but who's to say what's a right or wrong way to deal with certain situations. You all look at the SEX act with another person outside the marriage as the be all & end all of any marriage - no matter what. I just disagree with that. And, I know I'll get lots of flack for this post........Can't wait Trendy - I'm sorry we have hijacked your thread. We could move this back to NOTICE A PATTERN HERE....... I don't see sex as the be all and end all. Some marriages survive and thrive. But sex is the only thing that put my life in danger, that'smy problem. But the right way to deal with any situation is not to put anyone's life in danger....that is always wrong, no matter how you slice it. I'm out.
herenow Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 And for the umpteenth time....We are all different humans. We all deal with different things in our lives different ways. Right, Wrong or Indifferent. It is part of what makes the world go around. Some people deal with stress by gambling or drinking in excess. Some people deal with stress by exercising. Some people deal with rotten marriages by just jumping ship, others stick around & sleep around........See....very different behaviors. One may be more damaging than the other - but who's to say what's a right or wrong way to deal with certain situations. . I would think the best person to ask if an affair is right or wrong is the one who has been betrayed.
Author Trendy1000 Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 I thank those who tried to understand my feelings and actions, not excusing myself, I'm responsible for them, but I appreciate it, yes, my issues are a lot deeper than infidelity, it goes back to my childhood, but I know I'm responsible to fix them and I haven't. And I can see where those who bashed me are coming from, I really do. It must be nice to feel so secure about yourself, self rightgeous, and to be able to judge others because you live a perfect life, unfortunately that has not been my life, but I do want to be better and I will try.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Dex, you're funny! I enjoy your graphic posts...probably a typical guy's view of sex! I'm not bashing you because I think you are spot on with your advice a lot of the time. Sex is a physical function-and as a guy you know this. It is completely possible to have sex with someone and not feel anything emotionally. But we digress from the original subject of this thread. Well I'm not graphic just to be so, or am I doing it just to be crude. That is how it is. Everyone that says they love the person the screwd over...well, they can just ask themselves...what were they thinking when they were cumming with the OM/OW? "I love my spouse?":o
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'm not saying that the "GOO GOO LOVE" was there during the affair. What I'm saying that it is possible to love someone & still be in the midst of an affair with someone else. to which I say...bulls##t.......and onions.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 You all look at the SEX act with another person outside the marriage as the be all & end all of any marriage - no matter what. I just disagree with that. So you disagree and think I should have given a woman who is no longer the same person to me a 2nd chance? and yes, cheating IS the be all, end all of any relationship....now and in the future. 1 strike, and they are out.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I thank those who tried to understand my feelings and actions, not excusing myself, I'm responsible for them, but I appreciate it, yes, my issues are a lot deeper than infidelity, it goes back to my childhood, but I know I'm responsible to fix them and I haven't. only way for YOU to "fix" things is to get a divorce and vow never to make a commitment again. And I can see where those who bashed me are coming from, I really do. It must be nice to feel so secure about yourself, self rightgeous, and to be able to judge others because you live a perfect life, unfortunately that has not been my life, but I do want to be better and I will try. And this statement above negates the bolded statement above it. there is nothing "self righteous" about knowing that the continual cheating and abuse of your husband is wrong. Nobody is perfect...I don't always put the toilet seat down. But one thing I will never do is cheat on someone I have a commitment with. If I were that way, I simply wouldn't make a commitment. so you are a serial cheater, you cheated continuously on your first husband...so why did you even get married again knowing you can't keep helping yourself to other men?
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Dex - We moved this thread back to Notice a Pattern....We felt bad hijacking Trendy's thread. to which I say...bulls##t.......and onions. You can say that all ya wanna! It's still true! You have a ONE STRIKE policy - We just don't happen to have that policy. The A -to my husband - was not nearly the big deal you make them all out to be. Whether it makes any difference to you or not....It was much harder on me & still is, than it was on him. AND NO it doesn't mean he didn't love me. He loves me very much & that's WHY we worked things out..........Now, let's go back to the Notice A Pattern thread...we banter better over there anyway
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 to which I say...bulls##t.......and onions. You can say that all ya wanna! It's still true! then what thoughts of your husband were running through your mind when you orgasmed with the OM? "I love my husband"? The A -to my husband - was not nearly the big deal you make them all out to be. of course it wasn't, he'd be a hypocrite to make it out to be a big deal with his own history, eh?
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