Trendy1000 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I'm new here and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum, let me know if I'm in the wrong place. I think I'll get slammed for what I'm about to say...but I will anyways... I have never told anyone including my therapist. I've been married 18 years, I've cheated on my husband 3 times, now I'm having a relationship with someone online, which I'm not sure if it's cheating, but I think it is. I cheated on my frist husband, I loved him, I love my husband, but I feel like I want the romance of having someone new, I know I have low self esteem, problems that come from my childhood, I don't want to cheat, but I feel like I just have to or I go crazy. My present husband and I have had a rocky relationship, he has been to strip clubs before, he has had a somewhat porn addiction, it has gotten better over the past few years, but these things that he did make me feel like if I cheat, oh well, he's no saint. I can't leave my marriage, I have to kids, financially I can't, I won't break his heart, I do love him. Right now it's just with someone in the internet, but I feel I'm going crazy for this new person, like if I was falling in love, I know, silly.... I think it's all in my mind, I think I have issues, but don't know how to handle them, don't want to talk about them with anyone. For now, I'm just venting and thank you for listening, and say what you want, I can take it.
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 So it appears you will never be faithful to anyone. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. If you haven't even told your therapist, how do you expect to deal with you lack of standards? I guess it is safe to assume your H doesn't know either.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I'm new here and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum, let me know if I'm in the wrong place. I think I'll get slammed for what I'm about to say...but I will anyways... I have never told anyone including my therapist. I've been married 18 years, I've cheated on my husband 3 times, now I'm having a relationship with someone online, which I'm not sure if it's cheating, but I think it is. I cheated on my frist husband, I loved him, I love my husband wrong....you don't cheat on someone you love but I feel like I want the romance of having someone new, I know I have low self esteem, problems that come from my childhood, I don't want to cheat, but I feel like I just have to or I go crazy. then maybe you should get a divorce and not get married again. that way you can have all the "newness" you want without any ties and without f#####g someone else over. My present husband and I have had a rocky relationship, he has been to strip clubs before, he has had a somewhat porn addiction, it has gotten better over the past few years, but these things that he did make me feel like if I cheat, oh well, he's no saint. I can't leave my marriage, I have to kids, financially I can't, I won't break his heart, I do love him. no, you don't Right now it's just with someone in the internet, but I feel I'm going crazy for this new person, like if I was falling in love, I know, silly.... I think it's all in my mind, I think I have issues, but don't know how to handle them, don't want to talk about them with anyone. For now, I'm just venting and thank you for listening, and say what you want, I can take it. so thats it? you just wanted to vent? What was it you expect to get out of this post? Finances are no reason to stay in a marriage. let me ask you this...do you WANT to quit cheating? If so, then its real easy. you come clean and tell your husband. If he isn't suspicious of you, then you will continue to walk all over him. If he knows you are a cheater, then maybe his suspicion from that point on will be what it takes to get you on the straight and narrow. i think the idea of divorce and the real possibility it might happen may be enough to give you a well-deserved, symbolical smack upside the head. Right now you are getting away with it...but what if he knew? Would that be enough to stop you? Honestly, you simply don't need to be married, and are not fit to be married. hopefully he finds out someday and files for divorce himself.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I'm new here and I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right forum, let me know if I'm in the wrong place. I think I'll get slammed for what I'm about to say...but I will anyways... I have never told anyone including my therapist. I've been married 18 years, I've cheated on my husband 3 times, now I'm having a relationship with someone online, which I'm not sure if it's cheating, but I think it is. You need to tell your therapist. You have some big issues, and you need to fix them or you will never be a happy person. Your low self esteem is putting you into a downward spiral. The lower your self worth... the more need you have to fill that... the more you cheat... the worse you feel about yourself... ect. You have to find some way to break the cycle, otherwise your just going to continue hurting yourself and those around you. As a side note... it sounds like your just using your H for financial support. In your opinion... what kind of person does that?
Author Trendy1000 Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I take everything you all said to me. FYI, my husband has not been 100% faithful either or the best provider, but I know that's no excuse, I know I have self esteem issues, my whole life, I'll say that I really am not the monster that some of you think I am. Right now I'm crying, believe or not, that's ok. I really hate myself, for this and other reasons as well. THank you.
confusedinkansas Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 wrong....you don't cheat on someone you love Not true at all Dex. It is very much possible to still be in love & cheat.
Snowflower Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Not true at all Dex. It is very much possible to still be in love & cheat. I agree with this 100%. I know for a fact my husband loved me and still had an affair. The problem was he didn't think I loved him - so there you have it. Assumptions and very poor communication between us led to terrible decisions on his part. Trendy...you will be in for a rough ride here with the other posters. Hang on!
bentnotbroken Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Not true at all Dex. It is very much possible to still be in love & cheat. I guess that would depend on your definition of love.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I take everything you all said to me. FYI, my husband has not been 100% faithful either or the best provider, but I know that's no excuse, I know I have self esteem issues, my whole life, I'll say that I really am not the monster that some of you think I am. Right now I'm crying, believe or not, that's ok. I really hate myself, for this and other reasons as well. THank you. I think the issue at hand is not so much your cheating as it is your self image. The cheating hurts that alot, but it's really just a symptom of the larger issue. There are many great things about you. You should start to focus on what makes you a great person. What are you good at? What do other people admire about you? Everyone has an internal mirror with which they view themselves... some things you go through can warp that mirror, so that your left with an inaccurate image. Men can't make you feel whole. Only you can fix what is broken.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You need to tell your therapist. As a side note... it sounds like your just using your H for financial support. In your opinion... what kind of person does that? I disagree with your side note. The kind of person who depends on their husband for financial support is a stay-at-home parent raising two children, and you don't know if it was his choice for her to stay home or not. Trendy I can identify with you as well. I did some terrible things, and I still do. But I am capable of loving and I don't care what anybody else's opinion on that is. You would benefit from counselling. If anything it can help you understand your need to cheat.
Darth Vader Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Well, let me see here, why don't you tell your husband about you Riding your OM and let him make a choice about what he would like to do with his life? Stop wasting his life! And stop justifing your screwing your OM and blameshifting this onto your husband! How would you feel if he screwed other women and put you at risk for STDs? You might have given your husband something!
samsungxoxo Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Now it's the time you might want to talk to a counselor about it. My guess is that you're confuse on this point and can't find a reason as to why you're acting like that thus why counseling can help you out. As for telling your husband that depends on you. I would say if you had an physical affair before then get tested first. From then on if you catch something then you need to tell him about it. But while you haven't spoken to anyone about this then you can't really solved this on your own.
tami-chan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I take everything you all said to me. FYI, my husband has not been 100% faithful either or the best provider, but I know that's no excuse, I know I have self esteem issues, my whole life, I'll say that I really am not the monster that some of you think I am. Right now I'm crying, believe or not, that's ok. I really hate myself, for this and other reasons as well. THank you. Nah...don't hate yourself, how can you "fix" yourself if you hate yourself? Nobody will do it for you, but you. Do you want to change? If you do, well it's a lot of work. It seems like you have an addiction to the "euphoric feeling" of falling in love or meeting someone new. You know what you are doing is destructive to YOU ( make it simple, and exclude the rest of the people affected by your actions-it sounds like they don't figure in your decisions that much, anyway). You have a therapist but you are not honest to him/her? BNB is right, what's the point? if you really want to change you are going to tell your therapist so she can guide you on what needs to be done to understand this addiction. In understanding it, you will be able to figure out what you need to do.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I guess that would depend on your definition of love. I suppose that is in part right. But when I had my affair - I didn't think my husband loved me~ (not shifting blame) & I wasn't sure I loved him. BUT in hindsite - I know that I did love him & he loved me. We just got disconnected. No one fell OUT of love...we just lost our place for a bit of time.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Trendy - I think you should most definitely take a selfish approach to this (not being sarcastic) THIS lifestyle / behavior is not good for anyone. It wreaks havoc on your health / finances / mental well-being. In short........YOU'RE A MESS! If I were you, I wouldn't tell my husband. I'd try to fix myself. (IT CAN HAPPEN) There are a lot of people in this forum that don't believe people can change & they have adopted the attitude....Once A Cheater........THAT is NOT true! Go to counseling (if you really believe it will help) Get better (If you want to) AND work on your marriage (If that's your goal). {hugs} keep us posted!
LifesontheUp Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I suppose that is in part right. But when I had my affair - I didn't think my husband loved me~ (not shifting blame) & I wasn't sure I loved him. BUT in hindsite - I know that I did love him & he loved me. We just got disconnected. No one fell OUT of love...we just lost our place for a bit of time. I'm not getting at you confused and you don't have to answer. I'm just stating that I just don't get why if you think that you no longer love your partner that having an affair is the answer. Why don't people seperate, get out of the marriage first before bringing someone else into the picture.
Author Trendy1000 Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 "There are many great things about you. You should start to focus on what makes you a great person." I don't see anything that makes me a great person, never have. I'm also not a stay at home mother, or a housewife, I have always worked , and also while being married. I don't blame my husband for my behavior, my husband is a better husband now, he wasn't for years of our relationship, he cheated too, he doesn't financially support me, we both support our children and ourselves, we both work. Again, there is much more to my story, but I do NOT blame him, I take full responsability for my actions. I do want to change, I feel empty inside, always have, I haven't cheated all the time, it was 3 times in 18 years, not that is ok, just letting you all know. I have tried to stop, but failed those times. I don't have the courage to tell my therapist because I'm ashamed, I know they will judge me like most of you have and I don't blame you or the therapist. I appreciate all the responses though. THank you.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I'm not getting at you confused and you don't have to answer. I'm just stating that I just don't get why if you think that you no longer love your partner that having an affair is the answer. Why don't people seperate, get out of the marriage first before bringing someone else into the picture. It would be nice if it were that cut & dry. It just isn't. I think for most people FEAR is what keeps us in a marriage during & after an affair. Fear is a huge feeling. It can make you do stupid things & it can keep you from doing smart things.
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 "There are many great things about you. You should start to focus on what makes you a great person." I don't see anything that makes me a great person, never have. I'm also not a stay at home mother, or a housewife, I have always worked , and also while being married. I don't blame my husband for my behavior, my husband is a better husband now, he wasn't for years of our relationship, he cheated too, he doesn't financially support me, we both support our children and ourselves, we both work. Again, there is much more to my story, but I do NOT blame him, I take full responsability for my actions. I do want to change, I feel empty inside, always have, I haven't cheated all the time, it was 3 times in 18 years, not that is ok, just letting you all know. I have tried to stop, but failed those times. I don't have the courage to tell my therapist because I'm ashamed, I know they will judge me like most of you have and I don't blame you or the therapist. I appreciate all the responses though. THank you. You need to tell your therapist - TODAY. This issue seems a bit deeper than just the infidelities. As for those that tend to JUDGE here - Pay no attention to them. LS is like the "school of hard knocks"....I've learned. Some on here will be supportive. But, when it comes to infidelity there are several on here that have a ZERO tolerance for ANYONE that ever does this. EVER! They can't forgive or forget therefore they judge people here. Don't let them bother you hun. Tell your therapist - they will be able to help. AND if they can't, find another one. Always remember, there's no point in therapy if you're not going to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth...otherwise you won't get better or feel better about yourself
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Not true at all Dex. It is very much possible to still be in love & cheat. well gee, then I guess I can feel justified in putting my peter in another woman the next time I'm in love.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I guess that would depend on your definition of love. I agree....I sure as hell wouldn't "feel the love" from someone that spread her legs for another man.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I suppose that is in part right. But when I had my affair - I didn't think my husband loved me~ (not shifting blame) & I wasn't sure I loved him. You just proved my point. All you did was conveniently decide that you didn't love him at the time you cheated...but then came to a grand revelation AFTER THE FACT that you did. How does someone in their head say, "I love my spouse...but I really want an orgasm from this other person":sick: even so, if someone told me, "I know I cheated, but I love you", I'll never accept this as the truth and my answer back would by, "ya right....nice knowing ya"
confusedinkansas Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 well gee, then I guess I can feel justified in putting my peter in another woman the next time I'm in love. Oh Dex...You're SO funny. No one said anything about "Justifying" what they did. You do split hairs here don't you.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Oh Dex...You're SO funny. No one said anything about "Justifying" what they did. You do split hairs here don't you. No, point is, if I am in love with someone, nothing even close would enter my mind that I'm going to betray them or f##k someone else.
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