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Posted

but am still very much in love with my hubby. I know he loves me as well. But we are both miserable. I know I am. We have been married for 6 years and have a 5 yr old and a 4yr old.

 

I have been wanting out for about a year or two, I keep telling my self it will get better, however I know it wont change.

 

He wont "let" me get a job, However, the "reason" for me not working is about to start school. I have told him in no uncertain terms that if our child gets into to pre-K I will be joining the workforce again. He isnt happy about it, and is still trying to come up with reasons why I shouldnt work. I think he knows that once I become self sufficient again the hold he has on me is gone.

 

I am tired of the daily fighting, I am tired of him finding reasons to bitch about MY oldest son (13), I am tired of defending my kids.

 

The only reason I havent left yet, is because he will get visitation with our kids, and I dont like the idea that he will have complete control over them for a weekend, and any time in the summer. We differ on parenting styles, he thinks corporal punishment is fine. And I worry if I am not around he would use it, or allow his mother/sister to discipline them. he was bordeline abused (in my eyes) as a child, and his sisters children are scared of their momma. She rules with an iron hand. They know how I feel about it, as they cornered me as to why I allow my kids to spend the weekend with my mom (maternal GM), but wont allow them to spend the weekend with the paternal GP's, I told them flat out, that I dont like their parenting styles. Same thing with the sister. Don't get me wrong, I love my inlaws, they are really great people and I love it when they come to visit, but I AM HERE.

 

Just dont think I can handle another 14 years of the daily fighting.

 

I have suggested counseling, he wont go.

Posted

Well the big irony here is that if you do divorce I will bet money that you will still wind up not working for quite some time. Your lawyer will convince you that your best legal strategy will be to remain a stay-at-home mom because (a) That will maximize your custody and thus minimize the time your ex has with the kids (which is your preference); and (b) This will maximize alimony and child support that you will receive.

 

So it's pretty ironic that the divorce would be initiated to allow you to go back to work but it will achieve just the opposite effect. No one will be happy- especially if you really love him.

 

Of course that begs the question - why do you love him if he wants you to be dependent upon him? That does not seem like a very healthy foundation for a relationship.

 

Particularly if he won't even go to counseling, I agree divorce nonetheless is probably the only viable outcome here. But again I think the outcome will be ironic nonetheless. Quite a dilemma for sure.

  • Author
Posted

Dont know why I love him the way I do. Its a very intense love. Nothing like my first husband. Its really hard to explain, when I think about life without him I am almost instantly brought to tears.

 

and what I mean by him not letting me, is that every time I bring up the subject, its always boils down to "Financially it wont be worth it" he is calculating the money, I am wanting to work for a life OUTSIDE of this house.

 

I agree his is controlling, but only as much as I allow him. My family thinks he is overly controlling, I dont. Some examples i guess are needed

 

He destroyed/trashed a lot of my clothes from when I was single, My mom had fits over it, to me it wasnt a big deal, I looked at it as a respect thing, my hubby didnt want me to wear shirts showing a lot of cleavage, or shorts/skirts that "my a$$ hangs out of" I could understand this, as when I was single and wore these clothes I did get a lot of whistles, asked out and such, I was now married, and not looking for that kind of attention anymore, if you know what I mean.

 

Now he didnt do it behind my back, and he bought me new clothes.

 

another hot topic with my mom, where I go... she thinks its absurd that I need to "ask permission" to go out. I have tried explaining that its not so much as permission, but it is for approval. I mean if I really wanted to go someplace and he said no I dont want you to, I am enough of a bitch to do it anyways.

 

But to me its not worth a fight, and he has not told me I couldnt go somewhere that was worth a fight over. He dont like me to gamble, my mom has fits about that as well, but again, I am happy and content going the 1 time a year I go. (with my dad when he flies down for Xmas, just he and I go and hang out at a casino for a day) Also, I need to add I did have a gambling problem before, not so bad that I was in debt or stealing because of it, just that I was lonely and would spend a LOT of time in the casino.

 

those are just 2 examples.

 

I am not interested in my hubbys money. If I want money I can make my own. Also, I doubt my hubby would pay either alimony or CS. Yes, I think he would quiet his job and live like a hermit, that is something he wants to do anyways... he is always talking about living in the mountains.

Posted

Wow - have you thought about IC for yourself?

 

Those are some pretty substantial examples of control. That does not in any way sound like a healthy relationship to me.

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Posted

What is IC?

Posted

IC is individual counseling. This is for you. Both of you have issues, individual, and joint, which need to be addressed.

 

Have you just sat down with him and told you what you've told us? Not hinting, or beating around the bush, but being blunt and to the point?

 

Us guys, we don't take hints or inuendo well. You need to be blunt, to the point, and absolute. You need to tell him EXACTLY how you feel.

 

This will not be fixed on it's own, and it will not get better. Both of you need counseling to address your needs and concerns. Individually, and as a couple.

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Posted

Oh I am already in counseling. Not marriage counseling though. Hubby already said he wont go.

 

And yes I have told him, bluntly what I feel. He will adjust his attitude for a bit then revert right back.

 

I don't really know if this marriage can be saved, as we have different wants and needs fundamentally.

 

He wants a house that looks as if no one lives in it. (like a staged house) I want him to help with the kids and house.

 

He wants to go spend weekends camping, fishing and being on the river. I dont like any of those things

Posted

He wants a house that looks as if no one lives in it. (like a staged house) I want him to help with the kids and house.

 

He wants to go spend weekends camping, fishing and being on the river. I dont like any of those things

 

Why did you marry him?

Posted

I just wanted to point out a couple of things...first of all, he has NO choice on whether he pays spousal support and/or child support. The court determines that. Not him.

 

Secondly, if he's not an abuser well, he's extremely controlling.

 

And thirdly this:

 

Why did you marry him?

 

That's what I'd like to know. You two are a mismatch if I ever saw one. Sorry.:(

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Posted
I just wanted to point out a couple of things...first of all, he has NO choice on whether he pays spousal support and/or child support. The court determines that. Not him.

 

Secondly, if he's not an abuser well, he's extremely controlling.

 

And thirdly this:

 

 

 

That's what I'd like to know. You two are a mismatch if I ever saw one. Sorry.:(

 

I understand that CS and possibly alimony would be ordered, but we all know that is NOT a guarantee that it will be paid.

 

No he has never hit me, and I think he knows that I would press charges in a heartbeat if he ever did. My daddy didn't hit me and I will be damned if I allow a man that is supposed to love me to do that.

 

As far as him being controlling, I agree he does have some control issues. However, I to am at fault, for I allow it. And I allow it, because I can see his point of view. Like the job issue, after breaking it down financially, until my youngest starts school it wouldn't be cost effective. Day care, gas, lunches, parking, i would just about break even. However, my child will (hopefully) be attending pre-k this upcoming year, and I will be getting a job. Even if its just working PT at the local grocers'. I feel this is something I need to do for my OWN well being. We dont need the money, my hubby makes more than enough. But I need to outside adult interaction.

 

The clothes, he told me that he thought it a bit tacky when a woman's a$$ and tits hang out. Again looking at it from his point of view, to me it wasnt a big deal. Its all about respect, I wouldn't wear "trashy" clothes when visiting my father out of respect for him, and I looked at it the same way with my hubby. To me clothes are clothes.

 

And the biggie, why did I marry him. Because I love him. We knew each other for 8 weeks before we got married. I got preggers, and that baby saved my life. Shortly before I meet him I had tried taking my own life 2 times. I had a terriable tragedy happen in my life, and thought I had nothing left to live for. That is a whole 'nother issue though.

 

We have just started having these issues (the fighting) about 1 year ago.

 

And I am in no way perfect in this either. I have my own faults, that contribute to our arguements.

 

He hates the fact that I allow others to walk all over me, including my children, family members, and EX- inlaws. But that is who I am. I am a giver.

 

Oh and I so totally agree we are a mismatch. he is a country redneck, and I am a city girl. However since moving out to BFE, I have grown accustomed to this way of life. I like the peace and quiet. Just dont like the 20 min commute to wally world.

 

He is an outdoorsy type, me I have never slept in a tent and I doubt I ever will. But that doesnt mean I dont do anything with him. Like this weekend, we are going mud riding. We will be staying with a couple friends in their 5th wheel, we have a few 4 wheelers and a rhino, and we go riding a lot.

 

I guess I am needing to vent, as my love for him is greater than any contempt I may feel.

 

But it doesnt negate the fact that sometimes I just want to pack up all my (and the kids) crap and haul a$$.

 

Thank you guys so far for the advice and your thoughts.

Posted

just a quick question.. if you don't need the money why don't you volunteer?

What is is about you having a job that bothers him?

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Posted

right now, because I have a child at home. I am not opposed to volunteering, which depending on the work force, I may do just that at my kids school, or the local animal shelter.

 

His reasons for not wanting me to work, I think have a lot more to do with his childhood, than anything else. His mom had to work 2 sometimes 3 jobs when he was a kid. He wants me to be here when the kids get home from school, and he wants me to be here when he gets home from work. He has an old fashioned view on this, not because it was what was taught to him, but what he longed for as a child.

 

He has told me that he wished he would have come home from school, and his mom would be there waiting for him with cookies and milk. That I think is what he is wanting for our kids.

Posted

well, I really can't fault him for that. Would he be opposed to a part-time job that allowed you to be outside of th house but still home for the kids?

Posted
We have been married for 6 years and have a 5 yr old and a 4yr old.

 

Here's why you're miserable. Having 2 kids under the age of 7 and only being married for 7 years isn't easy..

 

You are inlove with him - Stick with the marriage. Do counselling and ask for help. From family, extended family, friends - So you can have time for 'you.' You're not just a wife and a mommy..

Posted

Have you considered counseling to figure out why you let people walk all over you? Perhaps the reason he is controlling is because you let him.

 

It's not being a giver that allows people to walk all over you. It's a lack of self-respect that does it.

 

You can still be a "giver" without letting people run you over.

 

If you don't love and respect yourself, how can you expect OTHERS to love and respect you either?

Posted

You say "I am in love w my husband and I want a divorce". That doesn't really sound like someone that really wants a divorce. Aslo doesn't sound like good reasons to divorce. As far as him being controlling you can simply learn how to own your power and stand up for yourself. Sounds more like your problem than his.

 

Stay in counseling and try to accept your spouse for who he is and take ownership of your life. If you go back to work when your kids go to school, what's he gonna do? Leave you?

 

No reason to put your kids through a divorce for this nonsense. People are getting divorced these days for the silliest reasons.

  • Author
Posted
Have you considered counseling to figure out why you let people walk all over you? Perhaps the reason he is controlling is because you let him.

 

It's not being a giver that allows people to walk all over you. It's a lack of self-respect that does it.

 

You can still be a "giver" without letting people run you over.

 

If you don't love and respect yourself, how can you expect OTHERS to love and respect you either?

 

 

I have been in counseling for a while now. But still havent formed the concept of NO.

 

We just got back from our weekend trip. And we had a good time. No arguing, no fighting. the only yelling I did was when I was scared on some of the steeper hills, or when we had the rhino riding on 2 wheels.

 

and sugarmomma, you are right. I doubt I would file for divorce. Our children deserve the right to see both mommy and daddy every day.

 

And NO he wont leave me if I get a job. We talked about that this weekend. About me wanting a job, and the other couple we were with, the wife couldnt understand why I wanted to wrok. She HAS to work to keep their heads above water, and would love to be able to just stay home. I guess that is part of "wanting" what you cant have.

 

But I think that I am going to go through the process to become a Sub. Teacher. Or work at the little grocers here locally. I know i cant go back to work in the accounting field. To many hours and too much stress.

 

I am glad I found this site.

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