Cy123 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hello everyone. This is my first post and I could REALLY use some input/advice. So my man and I have been dating for about 3 years now. Im so in love with this man. I truly feel like he is the one for me. We even have a one year old daughter together. I love the idea of marriage. It is something that is very important to me for many reasons. I thought he felt the same way... A little over a year ago he proposed to me. Nothing romantic, which kind of shocked me becuase he used to boast about how when he proposed to his ex wife it was like a fairy tale. He went ALL out. But none the less I was just so happy to be engaged. So as time as gone on he NEVER and I mean NEVER wants to talk about future wedding/ marriage plans. Everytime I bring it up he just dismisses it. He knows how I feel about marriage and before we were engaged we were both on the same page with it. We knew we wanted to be married but without the big wedding. Whenever I bring it up that he doesnt seem to be interested in it he just says "Oh well now I feel like a bad person." Sometimes I almost feel like he says that because then he knows I will back off. So I guess my question would be does he not see me worthy of being his wife? I just cant seem to wrap my head around the fact that he has been married before and had the dream wedding but now with me he wont make any effort to even talk about it. He has told me he would marry again so its not like he is afriad of failing again. Just lack of interest. Do you all think it could be he really is not that into me? And input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Mikew Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I don't think that he would have asked if he didn't see you as worthy. I was in a 1 year relationship with my Xgf and when I met my now fiancee it was really hard for me to get past that 1 year mark..I guess I was afraid that the relationship would "fail", I was just scared that I would lose the love of my life... 5 months after our 1 year I proposed. Basically what I'm trying to say is that he might be afraid to "fail" again..You should ask him if it has anything to do about his past marriage and if he is afraid that it won't work out so he is avoiding wedding talk. Nonetheless, it seems like something is going on in his head, and it doesn't pay to have you keep guessing. I would just ask him straight up, don't be afraid of conflict, sometimes it sucks but it can also be healthy and you can learn a lot, IMO. Good Luck
girl68 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Sometimes I almost feel like he says that because then he knows I will back off. Next time don't back off. Perhaps he doesn't want to talk about it becasue he has been married before and how getting married again is going to make him look. Maybe wedding planning was everything but a pleasent experience therefore he's even more reluctant to talk about it. Ask him if thinking and planning your future wedding causes him to feel something unpleasent. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy talking about it? Or doesn't like weddings... or maybe it's something deep like he doesn't want a big, expensive wedding- again. Hopefully something in there helps.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 His actions point to fear, IMO. Did his last relationship change as soon as they got married? That happens a lot. Or it's possible he's afraid of losing you. I mean, he married his last "forever" and he lost her. By putting it off, he doesn't have to face his fear. Rather than making it about getting married or the wedding itself, ask him what he's afraid of. What is it that you say to him that gets him to say that he "feels like a bad person?" I didn't get that part.
Author Cy123 Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Thanks to everyone for the input. It did make me realize I had to step up a bit and ask the hard questions. So I have since asked him what hes scared of, and he's feelings about the situation. At first he did the same old " Im a bad person I know." I think that is just hes defence becasuse usually when he has said that I would back off, which I didnt this time. So long story short.. apparently he no longer belives in 'marriage.' Needless to say he had completly blindsided me with this, But as I listened to his reasoining I can understand where he's coming from. He told me since his first marriage had failed he didnt want to be hurt again as well as look like a fool. However he told me he didnt belive in marriage, but belives in unions. When I asked him what he meant but union he wasnt totally sure. He said he belived in Us and that was all that mattered. I think he is just a little lost/confused and doesnt want to have the same mistakes haunt him. So at this point we are no longer engaged (He took the ring back) but were still happy together. Ive realized some men just dont want a thing to do with marriage and thats ok with me. I belive he in the one for me so I am more than happy to go on living our lives the way they are
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I'm sorry it turned out the way it did, but I did want to say "good for you," Cy. Way to ask the hard questions and get him to step up and be honest. I think it's highly important for couples to be honest in general, but ESPECIALLY about things like this. I'm really glad you guys are at least on the same page, now. Nobody needs to judge about getting married vs staying as just a couple. Given his history with marriage, I don't blame him. I'm wondering if I'd ever want to get married again given how disillusioned I am about its purpose. So I understand where he's coming from. I'm just really happy for you that you got a straight answer.
Author Cy123 Posted June 3, 2009 Author Posted June 3, 2009 Thanks so much for the positive feedback Soulsearch! I appreciate that!
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