trustydusty Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 This is my first post so go easy on me. So I was just recently broken up with, with my GF of 5.5 months. We had an amazing relationship, always had so much fun together, rarely argued and talked about marriage etc. However lately we have both been so busy that we hadn't really had time to go out and do all of the fun things that we both want to do. We always talked about things but never had time to do them. Either work, school, or family would get in the way most of the time. The only time we could spend together most of the time was at her parents house (she recently had to move back in because she transfered schools, and career paths). To make matters worse I had to move back in with my parents because of financial reasons as well as family issues. So we lived even farther away. It all got kinda weird when we were supposed to go visit one of her best girl friends during the same weekend i was supposed to move. We didn't realize that both of the events fell on the same weekend. She didn't wanna break plans with her friends and I couldn't break my moving plans. She wanted me to go really bad and i wanted to go but i didn't. She was sad, but after having the weekend without me she came back acting completely weird and distant. I knew something was wrong and eventually confronted her about it and after a few days of emotional convo's it is over. She said that she can't be responsible for my happiness, she says she's a mess, and doesn't want a relationship right now. Says she needs to work on herself, and she has felt like she has been following others around her whole life and hasn't gotten to do things for her. So yesterday i felt like it was officially done, and she txted 2 different times that this doesn't mean we can't be together in the future, but obviously i can't sit in limbo being depressed. She txted my goodnight last night but haven't responded and have decided to go NC from now on. I loved her more than a girl that i dated in the past for 2.5 years, i just thought she was the one. Just having a hard time coping. BTW she is 22 and im 23. Thanks for listening.
boogieboy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You know whats messed up? She goes to one party with her friends without you, and she immediately loses interest in you. Its cuz she met someone that she thought would be better. Or she met someone she wants to try out that made her realize she doesnt want to be tied down. Thats ALWAYS the case. People rarely jump ship to be alone unless they are bieng physically abused. So you need to find someone else quick. Youre young, you can get over this one in a few weeks if you get a rebound girl. And keep NC. if she comes back to you after a couple months, you might feel differently about her, but she will probably do it again when she feels like it. she txted 2 different times "this doesn't mean we can't be together in the future" Translation, "I need you as my backup, and and to answer my texts to boost my ego". Dont answer texts, erase everything you have about her. If she really wants to get back with you, she will make sure she gets in contact with you.
Author trustydusty Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Thanks for the advice boogieboy yeah i just feel like if i would have went with her things would have been different. But you know what screw her, I still care for her but i can't wait around for someone that may or may not be there. She never said anything about any other guys and she just recently tried to get off of her anti-depresent medication that she has been on for ten years, so don't know if that could have anything to do with it. But it could be another guy and if it is then she can not bother ever contacting me again. Thanks again, i'll keep the situation updated
kizik Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 So you need to find someone else quick. Youre young, you can get over this one in a few weeks if you get a rebound girl. GREAT IDEA, go ahead and f*ck someone else up instead of focusing on yourself. No offense to boogieboy, but this is quite possibly the WORST advice you could get.
boogieboy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 GREAT IDEA, go ahead and f*ck someone else up instead of focusing on yourself. No offense to boogieboy, but this is quite possibly the WORST advice you could get. This guy is the dumpee, I highly doubt if he gets with someone else that he will break her heart in a month. Its easier to forget about the last girl with a new one. Why sulk for 2 months or more? Some people never get back to their old selves after a breakup (i see it on here alot). Sometimes NC and healing just takes too long. Theres opportunities out there, gotta jump on them. Its just like regular dating. If it works out, it does, if it doesnt, it doesnt. But he has a good head on his shoulders, and if he plans on doing the right thing, he will forget about the ex, and the new girl wont have to suffer because of it.
kizik Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 BB, when you are heartbroken, you do not make for an eligible bachelor. You make for one sad, sad sack who has a lot of work ahead of him to re-establish himself again as a single guy. YES - he will date again. Should it be now? No way. He needs his male buddies right now.
boogieboy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Male buddies do not make the pain go away any easier, only time does. A nice new face does. Builds confidence too. Well have to agree to disagree, but since he's ready to write her off completely, the right new girl could wipe his memories of his ex, and keep him from marinating in thoughts that will keep him up at night. Whether or not he knows what he might have done wrong to make her lose the attraction to him, wallowing in it for months until enough time passes by -albeit its the way this board says it should be done - I personally think if done right doesnt hurt anyone. Ive always been able to wipe my ex's memories with new women, and they were great relationships. I never compared the new girls to the ex's.
kizik Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 The board does not advocate "wallowing in it for months," as you say. I think, if I may be so bold to speak for the group, that we advocate taking the necessary time to reflect on just what the hell happened and evaluating one's own actions before dating someone new. And that could, and should, take months. Months. Not to "wallow," but to reflect. BB, jumping into someone else hurts all parties because the same co-dependent tendencies are never worked out; they are merely transferred to the new girl/guy. But yeah, we'll agree to disagree.
webmuse Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I agree.. the wallowing shoud be kept at a minimum.. it only counter-productive to the things that need to happen =-) (not to say I haven't wallowed more then my share. but I tend to have great advice I never seem to follow!)
boogieboy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Im still wallowing now! Dont make it sound like Im saying the board is doing something wrong, the board advocates reflection, but it seems like people wind up wallowing anyway. At least half of the people who get dumped dont know why they get dumped. Most of the time women lie and give a lame excuse that misleads the guy, and guys dont say anything, they just dump the woman and dissappear. Many people start the reflecting, but its hard as hell when you dont know what you did wrong, so people wallow in their thoughts wondering if they can get their ex back somehow and staying depressed. The bottom line, and from the 100's of threads ive read on this forum, is when people break up, its because one of them realizes that they are just not compatible. If people have been vine swinging from relationship to relationship, they will instinctively know when to stop and take time for themselves. No matter what happens, incompatible people are gonna keep breaking up. You dont know what youre really looking for until youve dated enough people. Its trial and error no matter which way you slice it or how long youve waited. So you help crush the past by starting the future. People are on here reflecting for YEARS because they cant move on. Most people arent going to be dating a new person while crying over their ex, they know better. When you dont feel like dating you dont do it naturally. But everyone knows what great confidence feels like when you see the eyes of someone new light up by your presence. And of course after that you have to make the decision to work on getting rid of old feelings and starting new ones. I advocate looking for new, because Ive found I heal faster with the process of talking to new women. I take baby steps, and by the time one is interested, I've healed. To me its better than waiting for the hurt to go away and wondering where i went wrong when I dont know where I went wrong. Lifes too short to be hung up on anyone for any amount of time.
Author trustydusty Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks for all of the different viewpoints on here guys. I don't want to jump into another relationship right away but it would be nice to just be out there flirting and talking to other girls, just keeping things casual. I know this would piss her off, but what does she expect, she broke up with me. For now i'm just trying to keep busy and hang with friends. If she wants to come back and i'm single then maybe it could work, but i'm sick of having false hope about things because i don't want to face the heartbreak BS again. thanks to all who replied
Joker77 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Don't jump into anything. Take time to work on yourself. I've been doing that almost the past six months since my breakup. At the time, I was a basketcase. I was doing and saying things I couldn't believe. I just wish the other party would have a backbone and admit they don't feel anything towards you anymore as opposed to using the old washed up "I need to figure things out" bs line. It's such a cowardly way to go out.
Author trustydusty Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 The more I look at it now i think i was her rebound relationship. She had dated a guy for more than 2 years before we dated, and we started dating shortly after they broke up. I just wish i wouldn't have wasted my time for someone that doesn't want to put forth the effort. And I just she would have been more upfront with me about everything so we could of worked things out, i just get tired of excuses from people that don't mean anything. Then you go and overanalyze things and put all of the blame on yourself (which i tend to do). I think she has a ton of problems that she needs to figure out for herself and if she never does than she is gonna jump from man to man and never let herself be truly happy. Just wish it could've been me.
redy2 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Sorry that happened to you been there had it done to me as well. Usually when girls do that they met someone else that sparks their intrest and want you on the back burner. And yes they usually come back whether a week or month or whenever. And nope it wont work out the second time either they will bail again. Most people go in denial and say no there isnt another person etc etc. She or he isnt like that. Trust me there is 9 .5 times out of 10. Best advice don't get sucked in with the drama. And dont go dating to soon either. Ive done that and find myself comparing whom im dating to my ex. And just doesnt go well. Focus on you and yourself. Easier said than done I know. And once you lose trust you really can't get it back. And remember love is a journey not a destination. Lol and the road has potholes and dirt and everything else !The right one is out there. Given time youll be fine.
Author trustydusty Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 I just think if she does comeback, i'll have to be strong because it will be hard to not take someone back that you care about. I just wish women could be more direct about everything they feel, instead of letting things fester inside and hurting someone out of nowhere without warning. But I'm trying hard to get over this, trying to do things for myself, it's just not very easy...
redy2 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I am in the same boat as you. For the most part. I just getting i love i want to marry im scared crap. I want to go out and have fun.While she is trying to keep me on the back burner while she dates somone else. And when i tell her to live me alone or dont answer shell show up at my house or work. So it sux.
boogieboy Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 From what can be seen on this board many women will NEVER tell you what went wrong, because they just get bored of you and move on to someone else. They dont want you to hate them because they will feel guilty. What you have to do with the next girl is make sure you do little things to keep her interested, and never get too comfortable or get into a routine.Surprise her with little things, and make sure you notice her behaivior at all times. Usually when its a great fit you dont have to think so much, but women get bored easily so you have to keep on top of it. They swim in their emotions, so when they get bored they cant always put together why, they just know when they meet someone new they want to try him out, and they want you out of the picture.
Author trustydusty Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Things might have gotten into a little bit of a routine, but i always did little things for her. i am a graphic designer/ artist and i was constantly giving her new screen prints, made her some badass t shirts, would give her lots of music that she loved, as well as take her to concerts, make her food. She just can't be happy, ive just came to that conclusion. But I'm going out tonight and hopefully i can just mingle with some women to get my mind of the pain. Once again, thanks for the insight into all of this.
boogieboy Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Things might have gotten into a little bit of a routine, but i always did little things for her. i am a graphic designer/ artist and i was constantly giving her new screen prints, made her some badass t shirts, would give her lots of music that she loved, as well as take her to concerts, make her food. She just can't be happy, ive just came to that conclusion. But I'm going out tonight and hopefully i can just mingle with some women to get my mind of the pain. Once again, thanks for the insight into all of this. Theres alot more to be done to keep a woman from getting bored, its mostly verbal. Theres alot of research for you to do in that regard if you dont already know. You'll start seeing it when you start mingling.
Author trustydusty Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 So i got drunk last night broke down and called her, sometimes i just wish someone could take my phone when i was drunk. Was having a good night until then. Told her that I had realized a lot of ****, she said that i had never wanted to go anywhere near the end of our relationship. Said that it pissed her off that i couldn't give her space during her finals week. I only saw her for a total of 40 mins that whole week so i dunno what she is talking about. I should just let go for right now. NC starts to make things easier until you break it. I just need to be more strong willed. we'll see what happens...
Joker77 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 So i got drunk last night broke down and called her, sometimes i just wish someone could take my phone when i was drunk. Was having a good night until then. Told her that I had realized a lot of ****, she said that i had never wanted to go anywhere near the end of our relationship. Said that it pissed her off that i couldn't give her space during her finals week. I only saw her for a total of 40 mins that whole week so i dunno what she is talking about. I should just let go for right now. NC starts to make things easier until you break it. I just need to be more strong willed. we'll see what happens... Bro, I have been there. It might not seem like it now, but this will be a blessing in disguise for you if you react the right way. Instead of wallowing in my pity when my ex broke up with me, I joined a gym a couple days after the break and have been there ever since. I have improved myself and couldn't be happier right now.
Author trustydusty Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Well, I deleted her phone number, figure that was a good step in moving on. That way i'm not tempted to call or text her because i never memorized her number. Sucks but I think it'll be better for me in the long run. NC from now on for me...
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