Nikki Sahagin Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hi everyone. I have a friend who is going through the same situation as me at a pretty similar time. He was saying that though its over, he has NO intention of falling in love again. Even if he can't be with his ex, he loves her....and ENJOYS loving her, and so he has no intentions of getting over it or moving on. He simply doesn't want to. Even if he never gets back together with her or they never speak again, he says he has made the conscious choice to 'freeze' his love for her. He will never give his heart again; its hers for good. I said this is unhealthy but he says he is proud even if it is self-destructive. Thing is, part of me can understand. Part of me feels moving on is a betrayal, is wrong...if my heart is there....then thats where it remains. At the moment, I have no interest in falling in love. Even with all the hurt, the anger, the disapointment, the frustration, even at times in the HATE, he still has my heart and i'm not sure I would even want to take that back. Do you want to fall in love again? Or at the moment have you given up or just can't imagine feeling anything to rival or beat the love you had for your ex? The next one would have to be pretty special right?
notalone Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I understand the love-freezing thingy. I felt the same the first time I got my heart broken. It's pretty idealistic and very difficult to achieve. We all love ourselves more than any other person in the world. That being said, I am currently in no position to fall in love again. Having been in a number of big/small relationships over the years, I have realized that moving-on happens to everyone, eventually. Sometimes it takes a day...sometimes years. This last boy was quite special to me...the most special of all actually. I don't see myself fallig in love with anyone anytime soon.
EmperorR Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I was like that after my ex fiancé cheated an left me, how il never love anyone again bla bla then I did. But this time I'm not looking to be I'm a relationship for a long long time I honestly don't care anymore, I hate being taken for a fool.
RogueAC Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Do you want to fall in love again? Or at the moment have you given up or just can't imagine feeling anything to rival or beat the love you had for your ex? The next one would have to be pretty special right? Of course I want to fall in love again! I try not to compare future relationships/feelings with the ex. New relationship and love will always be different. Hopefully better because I will be able to better manage my wants/expectations and use what I learned from my previous experiences. And yes, when I actually "fall in love again" they will have to be very special.
Cora Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I don't think I'll ever fall in love again. At least not with someone who will love me back. For eight months I put all my love into someone who did not love me in return and it just about killed me once I found out. He meant the world to me and I would have done anything for him. I don't want to go through that pain again. It scares me to let myself fall in love again. I would love to but I just don't see that as being possible right now or maybe even ever.
bluewolf17 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 That's a good question. I would say, right now no, I couldn't fall in love. I still love my ex. Do I want to? Of course. I can understand wanting to "freeze" your love, I have at times thought like that. But the way I feel, is you never run out of love. You give some away, but are always capable on generating more. My motto in dating is, I always try to have my next relationship, be better than the last. A better match, better communication, greater love and trust, etc. So far it's worked. The way I see it, my next serious relationship might be my last (meaning marriage). Since my ex doesn't want to try with me anymore, and doesn't love me anymore, I think he cares enough, to want me to be in love again. And I think there is a purpose, for all the pain. I will love again, and I want to. Just not ready yet.
mike5770 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 That is a really great question. I miss the intoxication of being in love..I fell in love a couple of years ago with a girl i commuted with in the morning and it was fun getting to know her. I would try to talk to her at first and she totally blew me off but after awhile trusted me and we became really good friends. I remember the high I would get just being able to talk to her and enjoying her feeling more comfortable around me. Got to the point where we were hanging out together but unfortunately it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. She went with another guy and the intoxication turned into devastating depression and lows. I fortunately found this board and everyone here helped me through the really bad days. I would say yes....the highs were fun and i survived the lows...but I am glad it doesn't happen every day!
Trialbyfire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I wasn't certain I could, after two unwise choices in a row, although I wanted to. But...it's happened again and is well worth it! Don't limit yourself by holding onto a love lost, if the other person isn't in. Let it happen and you'll be glad you did.
kizik Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Yes. I do want to fall in love again. Why? To have someone want me for ME, not to fill some void inside themselves that they hid from me. To have someone appreciate my talents, empathy, intelligence. To learn about them in every single way. To have insanely long, complex, reciprocal conversations. To walk in the rain and the sun and the cold and the wind side by side. I think about love a lot, and loneliness. But I have realized this: the longer someone is alone, the more time he has to learn about himself. You can not hurt or be hurt when alone. You have a simple life, no drama, and total, uninhibited freewill.
Tizzy Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Do you want to fall in love again? Or at the moment have you given up or just can't imagine feeling anything to rival or beat the love you had for your ex? I used to think like this about the first guy I ever loved, way back when. Then I eventually moved on and met another guy who made me fall even more in love with him, and I thought the same thing: "Oh, I'll never love someone like this again! Woe is me! I'll love him forever!!" But as I got older and experienced more of life and relationships, I realized that love comes and goes. I can love someone with all of my heart, but when things go sour with a relationship and it becomes clear you will never get back what you once had, there eventually comes a time when you get over it and your heart is ready to move on. It has sometimes taken me years to get over someone, but my heart has never failed to be ready to move on eventually and love again.
era Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Everyone told me the usual "Oh, you'll meet someone much better, someone who will treat well, someone who will love just as you are"..bla, bla, bla.... I wanted to shout at them - but I thought I HAD found that person!! When I started dating again it felt like I was cheating. I'm not sure if there is much left of my shattered heart - not sure if I can love someone again.
Steadfast Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I can see something of myself in every one of these answers. Be honest, who doesn't like love? Or being in love? Or being loved? It is natural folks. I think the real issue here is; do we want to take the risk again? Also, it could be that part of us might not feel we deserve love because it turned out badly before. We think we could have done something else, something differently, and it might have turned out better. There's a little 'self-hating' in all of us. Finally, do we want to go through all that work again just to have it fail? If I'm not wrong, these are all normal reactions to heartbreak. This I do know: Love brings the greatest of joy, and the lowest of sorrow.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I will fall in love again, I'm sure, but my commitment to ALWAYS having a backup plan has only been reinforced with each breakup. And I think that's a good thing. No matter how strong the love is, you never know what could happen -- the other person has a breakdown, meets someone else, cheats on you, dies, whatever. You have to be prepared, at all times, to be OK on your own. In fact, you have to be OK on your own even while in a relationship. You can't define yourself by the other person, or his/her presence in your life. You can only define yourself as yourself.
kizik Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I will fall in love again, I'm sure, but my commitment to ALWAYS having a backup plan has only been reinforced with each breakup. And I think that's a good thing. No matter how strong the love is, you never know what could happen -- the other person has a breakdown, meets someone else, cheats on you, dies, whatever. You have to be prepared, at all times, to be OK on your own. In fact, you have to be OK on your own even while in a relationship. You can't define yourself by the other person, or his/her presence in your life. You can only define yourself as yourself. Very well-said. There really is no such thing as eternal, secure, safe love. Even if you have it, God or whomever can take it away in an instant.
skinman Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 I will fall in love again, I'm sure, but my commitment to ALWAYS having a backup plan has only been reinforced with each breakup. And I think that's a good thing. No matter how strong the love is, you never know what could happen -- the other person has a breakdown, meets someone else, cheats on you, dies, whatever. You have to be prepared, at all times, to be OK on your own. In fact, you have to be OK on your own even while in a relationship. You can't define yourself by the other person, or his/her presence in your life. You can only define yourself as yourself. What you have said Ruby is so true... I am at the end of a 15 year marriage where I gave up everything for my wife and my family.. I lost all my friends because I put so much value on making her happy and providing for my kids. I lost myself along the way i lost my passions, my hopes and even my dreams. I only lived and worked for them my health failed and the stress was to much at times. I relied so much on my wifes love and her appreciation for me that I became dependant on her... When she left with someone else is crushed me.. its been 7 months and I still feel the loss at times I still cry and miss my family. Will I ever fall in love again ???? I dont know I gave my wife my heart only to have it torn out. I am 44 and at this point I would like to be able to love again... I miss the small things the holding of her hand, the kiss goodbye in the morning the smile from across the room...... Those are the things i would like to have again.... but being able to fall in love again.... I dont think so !!
Intricategirl Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Not only do I want to fall in love again, but I believe I will. Now, I don't know when it will happen, but I'm pretty good at entertaining myself. Hell, I should be! I was pretty alone in my marriage!! But that's the thing... I was a good wife. If he can't appreciate it, some other guy is going to get a really awesome girl that takes good care of her man. I'm 32 years old. I cannot believe that at some point I will never fall in love again. Maybe I'll be married sometime late next year, live to 84 and celebrate my 50th anniversary. Maybe I won't meet anyone until I'm 84 and in the nursing home, wreaking havoc while the nurses try to figure out what to do with this raunchy old girl. I'm not going to put a timetable on it. I've got certain qualities I'm looking for in a man, and I'd rather wait and find a good man than waste my time with someone who doesn't deserve me. So yeah, sometimes it feels like my heart was stomped on. Pick it up, nurse it back to health, give it to someone else someday.
t0ri Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I want to fall in love again, yes, but not until I've become satisfied with being by myself again. I've began to meet guys, and I feel like I'm cheating. I'm not going to lose hope of finding a successful relationship just because my first serious one failed. I'm only 21, so hopefully someday someone will come along. The risk is worth the reward to me.
now_what Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I would like to fall in love again sometime. I would at least like to be able to think that there is someone out there who would love and appreciate me, who I could love in return since my husband did not love me anymore (after 30 years of marriage) and left to be with another woman who he just married.
Catwoman67 Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 ...hey now_what, I ready your story, how awful! That was a terrible thing to do to you...he will regret it one day, but hopefully, it will be too late and you will be happy with someone else. I would like to be in love, but it is always too painful for me. My first boyfriend, whom I ran into a year ago, and I see each other maybe once a week or two weeks. When I'm with him, I just want to eat him up, I still feel that love and whatever else I felt for him long ago, but of course, have to keep it under wraps. Have you ever felt that way about someone, you just want to possess them? Not a good way to be, but I'm just being honest...
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 ...hey now_what, I ready your story, how awful! That was a terrible thing to do to you...he will regret it one day, but hopefully, it will be too late and you will be happy with someone else. I would like to be in love, but it is always too painful for me. My first boyfriend, whom I ran into a year ago, and I see each other maybe once a week or two weeks. When I'm with him, I just want to eat him up, I still feel that love and whatever else I felt for him long ago, but of course, have to keep it under wraps. Have you ever felt that way about someone, you just want to possess them? Not a good way to be, but I'm just being honest... Yes..... A line from a film said something like "people always tell you that if you love someone you should set them free....but have you ever loved someone so much, that you just want to surround yourself with them?" I think thats why I may not find love again...because the kind of love I like is very intense - if the connection is right. If I like someone, I want loads of space, freedom, etc, but with my ex, I wanted to be with him always - he was like an addiction. I got the craziest combination of complete peace and crazy excitement being around him....until things went mental...
Nedved Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 What you have said Ruby is so true... I am at the end of a 15 year marriage where I gave up everything for my wife and my family.. I lost all my friends because I put so much value on making her happy and providing for my kids. I lost myself along the way i lost my passions, my hopes and even my dreams. I only lived and worked for them my health failed and the stress was to much at times. I relied so much on my wifes love and her appreciation for me that I became dependant on her... When she left with someone else is crushed me.. its been 7 months and I still feel the loss at times I still cry and miss my family. Will I ever fall in love again ???? I dont know I gave my wife my heart only to have it torn out. I am 44 and at this point I would like to be able to love again... I miss the small things the holding of her hand, the kiss goodbye in the morning the smile from across the room...... Those are the things i would like to have again.... but being able to fall in love again.... I dont think so !! That must be very difficult for you to lose your family skinman. Reading your post had a tear in my eye. I really hope you find happiness again.
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