Excellent Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Not sure this is a coping-matter, but i'll just throw in here anyway. Closing in on 6 months since i got dumped by my ex, who i am working with. I'm doing fine, but i have no problem admitting that feelings are still there, although very shallow and fading. Having her around at work 5 days a week hasn't exactly made the healing process go quick. She stringed me along for 2 months, i went NC for 2 months after that, and then another month followed where i made the mistake starting to get pulled into the friendzone again, just because she seemed different than before, she acted more respectfull and nicer you might say. To cut it short, it ended in a little argument 2 weeks ago, where i finally said that friendship wouldn't work between us. I wished her and her new bf well, and told her she wouldn't hear from me outside work again, ever. Not because i'm jealous, i'm staying out of her way because of respect for her new relationship, i have no intention nor desire to try to ruin that, i'm not that sort of a guy. Now, here's the pickle! I've been talking to to this girl via msn for a couple of months. After the breakup with my ex, i found out that i really want a longterm and steady relationship. And because i am not in a social circle where many girls/women at my age frequent, i resorted to online dating for the first time, although very sceptic. And thats where i met her. Very nice girl, who basically had been through the same as me, shared the same views as me, and just feels comfortable to talk to. I was determined to not let anyone go through what my ex did to me, so i was very open to her when we started talking. I said how my situation was with my ex, and that i don't want to give her false intentions before i am absolutely sure that i am ready to take things further than just talking. She understood. But now, i think she is falling for me, and it's scaring the crap out of me, because i am afraid that i can't return the feelings, even if i want to. My ex still lingers in the back of my head too much, although no itense feeling, she's still there. How is that possible, to fall for someone by just talking to them?! We haven't even met in person yet! I haven't been flirty at all, i haven't given her ANYTHING that would make her think that i am falling for her too, yet anyway. I have just been myself when talking to her, nothing else. And the funny thing is, i WANT to fall for her, because even if it's just been talk so far, she seems to be everything i want in a future partner. Sigh...why, WHY must everything be so complicated?!% I can't help but to just laugh at my situation right now, because i can't find anything better to do. Uh, sorry, this just became a rant. Guess i needed to vent, this forum is great for that If anyone can spot a question in there, answers would be great. Ask if you want.
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I totally agree with you that laughter is so necessary when we get ourselves into these "pickles of Life" My first question is: Have you considered just talking about your current discomfort with the new person? It sounds as if you do have an open and honest 'relationship'...at least, you have had that so far. Why not maintain it? You could do it in a gentle way. "I so enjoy talking with you and how we connect, but I realized the other day that my heart is still somewhat wary and not ready to get into anything too scary -- I just wanted to check in with you and make sure we're still on the same page about that." In your own words, of course, but more just stating your own position than questioning hers. My second question is: Are you at risk for becoming afraid to get involved again for fear of being hurt yourself? (I heard you say it's about not hurting the other person, and that is very noble...but...usually a good bit of self-BS behind that sentiment, too. Yes?) My third question is: What goes on when you allow your ex to "linger" in your mind? What are the thoughts? What is preventing you from taking charge of what you are choosing to think about? My sixth question is: How has the new person indicated to you that she is expecting you to immediately reciprocate with your own "I'm falling for you" feelings? (Or are you just assuming/creating your own drama about that?) What if she is totally cool having hers, and she's not actually needing or wanting anything (more) from you at this time? Yikes! Far more questions than I thought I had. Feel free to answer here, or just journal/meditate on them in your own time and way. Regardless, wishing you all good stuff with the new person.
Author Excellent Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 I totally agree with you that laughter is so necessary when we get ourselves into these "pickles of Life" My first question is: Have you considered just talking about your current discomfort with the new person? It sounds as if you do have an open and honest 'relationship'...at least, you have had that so far. Why not maintain it? You could do it in a gentle way. "I so enjoy talking with you and how we connect, but I realized the other day that my heart is still somewhat wary and not ready to get into anything too scary -- I just wanted to check in with you and make sure we're still on the same page about that." In your own words, of course, but more just stating your own position than questioning hers. My second question is: Are you at risk for becoming afraid to get involved again for fear of being hurt yourself? (I heard you say it's about not hurting the other person, and that is very noble...but...usually a good bit of self-BS behind that sentiment, too. Yes?) My third question is: What goes on when you allow your ex to "linger" in your mind? What are the thoughts? What is preventing you from taking charge of what you are choosing to think about? My sixth question is: How has the new person indicated to you that she is expecting you to immediately reciprocate with your own "I'm falling for you" feelings? (Or are you just assuming/creating your own drama about that?) What if she is totally cool having hers, and she's not actually needing or wanting anything (more) from you at this time? Yikes! Far more questions than I thought I had. Feel free to answer here, or just journal/meditate on them in your own time and way. Regardless, wishing you all good stuff with the new person. Wow, many questions! 1. I already have talked to her about it, and i have told her that i do still care for my ex, and wish her well, but i have broken the contact outside work for good with her. And i WILL continue being open, because i really don't want to give her any false hope whilst i'm unsure if i can return any feelings. I like to talk to her, and have told her so, but i haven't given her any indication that i want to move things further yet. And i told her in the beginning that i wanted to take things real slow, so we could get to know eachother as much as possible before we perhaps met up. 2. Bot yes and no. I don't want to hurt the other person, and i sure as hell won't let myself get hurt too. The pain i went through after my ex broke up was something i never want to experience again, and i have been through many other things that would break many people mentally down. But that break was the worst. So yes, i am afraid to get hurt again, but i realize that is a risk i have to take if getting involved with someone again. 3. Hm, that actually is a tough one. I don't feel i have any "i miss her" thoughts or something like that. I think the main reason is just because i got so hurt in the process right before she broke up and after that it's still hard to comprehend that my ex does not see these things. I want her to realize that she can't treat a human being like that, especially one who she knew was so much in love with her. And the fact that i have to see her at work 5 days a week is a double edged sword. On one side she is there to remind me what we had, but on the other side she also reminds me what she did to me. I have gained a lot of control the last months, so she is in no way taking over my head, she's just there like a blurry image you know. 4. Well, i am pretty sure that she is falling for me. In my language, we have two words for "i love you", one means "i like you very much and care for you greatly" the other one is THE "i love you". My last chat with her via msn ended rather abruptly because of the power getting cut in my house. I came online with my phone to tell her what happened. We agreed to talk later, and then she suddenly came with the first "i love you", and signed off before i managed to respond (stupid phone and my sausage-fingers!). Either way, you just don't say that to people you haven't met in person, you use that word on people you really love, or close family members. So i am pretty sure there is more. She has been a bit flirty, and was very quick to ask if we should meet up when we first started talking, although she lives half a country away. Hopes this gave som answers, feel free to ask or give some more! Feels good to share my dilemmas
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I want her to realize that she can't treat a human being like that, especially one who she knew was so much in love with her. But the truth and reality is, of course, that your ex CAN treat human beings any old way she wants...that's what Free Will is all about. 1 & 3. When you say that you still "care about" your ex, do you mean that in a kind, loving, sweet way...or more that you care about straightening out her faulty beliefs about how she gets to treat others and the hurt/damage she caused to you? She's not really at work to remind you of what you had with her, though I get that's how your brain is seeing it. Even if it's just a blurry image at this point, it's still that your own thoughts/mental images are messing with your own life. What are the chances of you working to set your mind straight, and see her as just another coworker who is there to earn an income? 4. I wasn't questioning whether or not she's falling for you -- I went on the assumption that your sense of that is accurate. I was asking if YOUR belief that she is expecting you to reciprocate those feelings is accurate or faulty? That is: Did you just decide, "OMG, she wants me to feel/say that same thing"? Or did SHE say, "I want you to feel/say that same thing"? you just don't say that to people you haven't met in person, you use that word on people you really love, or close family members.But the truth and reality is, of course, that the new person CAN fall for and say that to any human being she wants...that's what Free Will is all about. See YOUR same mental pattern (errors of thinking) with both your ex and the new person? -- kind of as if you've decided that what YOU think is "good, right, proper, normal, moral, ethical" for you is the ONLY way to think and act. Except, those are your PERSONAL values and standards by which your brain is judging/assessing other people. Which, at the end of the day will lead to your own heartache...because your (faulty) beliefs about that do not allow you to accept and allow others to be who THEY are, and to live according to THEIR self-defined values and standards. At least, that is a theme that is coming across -- it's up to you to decide if it does or does not potentially apply to your own beliefs...that's what Free Will is all about!
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