I'm getting tired of chasing

[jadziaidaris]

So I started seeing a long time friend (10 years) back in September 2008 after a "one drunken night" situation occurred between us. We started dating casually at first and then it seemed to progress over the past couple of months. We had been seeing each other every weekend.

 

The last time we were together was this past Sunday. We went out Saturday night into Sunday and had as usual an awesome time.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, I ask him if he would like to make some plans for the weekend and he responded that he may already have plans but he would let me know. So I got kind of mad, but didn't say anything.

 

I have asked nothing of this man to this point. Just his time. I have not asked for a comittment or where is this going or anything of the sort. I have however been the one who has chased him a little bit.

 

Now I'm getting to the point where I am getting tired and this is taking an emotional toll on me. I guess I just don't do well with dating.

 

I was in a relationship for 12 years previous to this and have never had to have a talk such as this with anyone. So now I don't know what to do. I know that he thinks of me as a strong woman. He said this to me on one of our nights out, but I feel like if I just bring this up I will come across as needy, something which I try not to be.

 

My main issues are that I would like to see him on a more consistent basis and I would like to feel like I could count on him if I needed something. But I don't know how to bring this up without sounding needy and pushing him away. What should I do, call him and and say I need to talk to you? Wait until the next time I see him?

 

Can anyone offer me advice?

[paddington bear]

So I started seeing a long time friend (10 years) back in September 2008 after a "one drunken night" situation occurred between us. We started dating casually at first and then it seemed to progress over the past couple of months. We had been seeing each other every weekend.

 

The last time we were together was this past Sunday. We went out Saturday night into Sunday and had as usual an awesome time.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, I ask him if he would like to make some plans for the weekend and he responded that he may already have plans but he would let me know. So I got kind of mad, but didn't say anything.

 

I have asked nothing of this man to this point. Just his time. I have not asked for a comittment or where is this going or anything of the sort. I have however been the one who has chased him a little bit.

 

Now I'm getting to the point where I am getting tired and this is taking an emotional toll on me. I guess I just don't do well with dating.

 

I was in a relationship for 12 years previous to this and have never had to have a talk such as this with anyone. So now I don't know what to do. I know that he thinks of me as a strong woman. He said this to me on one of our nights out, but I feel like if I just bring this up I will come across as needy, something which I try not to be.

 

My main issues are that I would like to see him on a more consistent basis and I would like to feel like I could count on him if I needed something. But I don't know how to bring this up without sounding needy and pushing him away. What should I do, call him and and say I need to talk to you? Wait until the next time I see him?

 

Can anyone offer me advice?

 

So I got kind of mad, but didn't say anything.

 

I have done this too, bad move. After being nice girl, nice, understanding girl, not wanting to push for more girl for months with one particular guy, he did something that really pissed me off. And I got so angry with that I simply couldn't be 'nice' and understanding any longer and told him that I was angry and why. Sure, he shouted back at me and then after we'd both calmed down he apologised and said 'I was totally taking you for granted, I really respected you for saying that you were unhappy about what I did'.

 

By always being nice and pushing down your emotions so as not to push him away, you are in fact pushing him away, he won't respect you, because you're not being yourself with good and bad emotions. You'll be doormat girl that he thinks he can do as he likes with because she never complains, she doesn't think that she deserves any more and is too afraid to ask for it.

 

Being 'too nice' loses you respect. Be nice, be understanding and so on, until actually something like the above happens. You got mad, but you didn't say anything, afraid to rock the boat, to push him away, to make him feel like you have expectations. But you do have expectations!!! You want to know where this is going. Be honest next time you talk to him 'yeah actually I got kind of mad when you said you'd made other plans, I felt disappointed as I was looking forward to spending time with you this weekend'. You're not shouting at him, you're not blaming him, you are telling him how his actions made you feel. Then allow him time to think on that.

I have asked nothing of this man to this point. Just his time.

 

And now he's not even giving you that. If you don't ask you don't get...on the other hand if he's not giving you his time voluntarily, then there's something wrong, so stop any chasing and allow him to want to see you. I'm guessing that he knows damn well you like him, knows you'll always be there whether he decides to see you or not, so thinks he can do what he likes and that you'll be 'fine' with it - and why wouldn't he think that, you're pretending to be fine with it, when you are in fact not.

I have however been the one who has chased him a little bit.

 

As I mentioned above, he knows you like him, chasing him confirms it. Simply pull back and allow him to come to you. I know, it's scary, he might not bounce back, and you want to text him or call him to remind him you're there, he hasn't forgotten, it HAS to be his choice to be with you or not, you can't push him into doing something that he doesn't want to. But simply just get a little busier over the next couple of weeks, make some other plans yourself so that he sees your life doesn't revolve around him and allow him to come to you, to call you to ask you out, to call you to see how you are. Let him take the reins for a while and let him push things forward instead of feeling that you are the one having to do all the work.

Now I'm getting to the point where I am getting tired and this is taking an emotional toll on me.

 

Totally been where you are right now. Along with the great nights out, fun times together and yet he didn't seem that bothered, but those fun nights etc were mostly initiated by me. The fact that they were fun, I thought meant that he too thought they were fun and of course he'd be dying to meet up again. But he wasn't and the only way for me to see him regularly was for me to do the asking. Sure, he complied, but after a while you think "I wish he'd pick up the phone and ask me out, I want him to want to spend time with me and act upon it".

 

It is emotionally draining trying to do what you think is the best thing to keep him in your life, to make him want you and want to be with you more than he does now. While pulling back a little from this man, take some time to think about what you want instead of doing what you think he wants. You want a man who wants you, you want a man who will initiate dates, you want a man who after 10 years of knowing you (10 years!!! surely after all this time you are worth a little bit more?) will not string you along.

 

Stop right now thinking of how to alter your behaviour for him, to get him and instead concentrate on just being you faults and all. You're mad that he made other plans and doesn't want to see you? Say it. He's not pushing your relationship forward, I know this sounds crazy, but start to date other men (no sex), flirt with anyone you can, keep your options open. This is not to make him jealous but until this guy has actually made some move to get more committed to you, you're tying yourself totally to him, and he knows it, whereas he is still keeping his options open from the sounds of it.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've been where you are so many times and in the end I think actions speak louder than words. Don't contact him again until he contacts you, fill your next free time with other things, when he calls, you are busy, not again, to punish him in some way, but just so that you and he realise that your life is yours and not reliant on him. It might make him sit up and think, whereas right now, he's just coasting along, doing what he likes without a care in the world as to how that might make you feel.

 

My main issues are that I would like to see him on a more consistent basis and I would like to feel like I could count on him if I needed something.

 

Can you now count on him if you needed something? Or do you feel that if you asked for help with something that he wouldn't be available, or would feel that you're relying on him too much? Could you count on him before you became more than friends and has that suddenly changed now? Next time something happens, your car breaks down, you can't do something, but you know he can, just ask him and see what he does. I've found that guys generally are happy to feel useful, that they can be of service to you, so simply put him to the test, if he's not willing to do some small thing, like, say, change a washer or something, maybe you couldn't count on him if you were in an accident and really needed help. I repeat, try to be the real you, but also allow his actions to speak for him, not what he says.

 

Wishing you the best of luck with this - sometimes pulling back a bit is all it takes for the guy to realise that 'woah! She might not always be there like she's been so far, better step up to the mark or I'll lose her'.

[Trialbyfire]

The two of you have a disparity in expectations, whether in or out of a relationship.

 

You're looking for a relationship. He's happy with the status quo of casually dating.

 

Just back off. What will happen is that he'll come to you. Then you'll reach out to him. Then he will back off again.

 

Do you think this is a good dynamic? If not, then don't be afraid of stating what you want. If he's not the guy, he'll run away scared. No big loss.

[loveslife]

You got some really great responses here. I've been in a similar situation. An old friend and I started seeing each other and even though we have a great time together it's turned into me being the main initiator.

 

For me, a lot of my goodwill and thoughts that he values me come from the way we used to be together. But he's used up that goodwill by being an emotional halfwit for the last several months.

 

Like I've said in my recent thread, being free is one thing but I don't think freedom and emotional availability are mutually exclusive.

 

I had recently decided to do just what Paddington Bear and TBF have suggested for you. I'm going to be busy with other things for a while. And if he does start reaching out I'm going to be a lot more upfront about what a twit I think he's been.

 

A good friend of mine once said that the best we can do is be ourselves and hope to find someone who can be themself and that works well together.

[jadziaidaris]

I guess then my question is, do I tell him how I feel? And then pull back?

[loveslife]

I've pondered the same question. My feeling is pull back, gather my thoughts, work on refocusing and worry about what to say when/if they come forward.

 

Don't jump on his first contact. Get some distance and find some perspective. It's okay. Don't worry. You're allowed to take some time to yourself.

 

That's my plan.

[paddington bear]

Tricky...my answer is...I'm not sure! Sorry! I guess probably best to hold your tongue for now, he has made other plans, fine, you are now going to get busy, your actions speak more than a thousand words. However, if he comes a calling and specifically asks why he hasn't seen or heard from you in a while, you can then say 'well, because...'

 

However, on the other side of the coin, if you're still mad - as in that anger that's just not going away no matter how much time you give it, maybe you should say something, before it becomes all passive aggressive and then explodes to a far greater degree than necessary.

 

What do other people think?

[Trialbyfire]

No, you have a reasonable discussion with him and see how he reacts. If he steps up to the plate, it's all good. If his words say yes but his actions say no, you walk. If he runs away, that's your answer.

[loveslife]

The reason I've decided to wait to have any type of conversation about my feelings about what's happened is because, like the OP, I sublimated my feelings and true self to be easy to get along with. The really stupid thing is I know this guy liked my feisty self just the way I was.

 

It's because of me, not him, that I need time to gather my thoughts and perspective.

 

OP, if you feel you can have a reasonable, honest discussion where you'll be able to convey just what has built up inside you then talk to the guy now. But if not give it some time to figure it out.

 

Just my two cents.

[jadziaidaris]

Thanks guys for your responses. I haven't been dating for years. I was in a relationship for 12 years until 2007. So this is all new to me again.

 

I used to have no problems expressing my needs to my ex, but that's because of the years we spent together I suppose. You just get kind of used to somebody and comfortable with them and you just let ot all hang out to some extent. But it was an emotionally abusive relationship. No i have an issue saying anything!

[jadziaidaris]

OK, so this is an update from my side. I decided to make some plans with a friend to go away for the weekend. Everything is booked. I wasn't going to wait around for him to make plans. It was just going to make me more mad.

 

Anyway, I think I need to decompress before I confront him. The sad thing is that I don't think I would have gotten mad if he had just up and made plans with me. But I'm almost glad he didn't, because now I can think about what I want out of this.

 

I'm usually online with him on IM throughout the day. Today I have been offline all day at a customer site . I wanted to see if he would actually make the effort in getting back to me since he seemed very standoffish when he said he didn't know about this weekend.

[paddington bear]

Good for you! Try and really have fun and let us know what transpires.

[loveslife]

That's perfect. Get away, be busy living your life. Not for revenge against the guy but because you deserve to live your life well.

[Trialbyfire]

A heart to heart discussion, isn't about confrontation. Don't schedule a discussion time. Just do it.

 

Sit him down and explain to him what you're looking for. Ask him what he's looking for and really listen, not just with your ears but with your eyes, by watching his body language. Get it all out onto the table so you can make an educated decision about where this situation is heading.

 

As for this weekend, forget the games. Change your perception about tit-for-tat. Just enjoy your weekend of fun with your friends.

 

p.s. He can't live up to a bar that hasn't ever been shown to him, so don't get mad at him for not meeting the invisible, moving bar.

[marty7]

let him know you are interested and then back off. needy and pushy women can win the battle and lose the war. let him know you have other interests. nobody can talk me into a relationship; that needs to come from me. any very pushy actions will only scare me off

[Trialbyfire]

let him know you are interested and then back off. needy and pushy women can win the battle and lose the war. let him know you have other interests. nobody can talk me into a relationship; that needs to come from me. any very pushy actions will only scare me off

That's the idea. If a guy isn't in the proper relationship mindset, he'll run. No big loss.

[bitbyte]

Today I have been offline all day at a customer site . I wanted to see if he would actually make the effort in getting back to me since he seemed very standoffish when he said he didn't know about this weekend.

 

Seems a little game playish... just be up front and honest about how you feel. Guys don't take "hints" the same way -- we're a direct "slap me across the face" type gender.

[jadziaidaris]

So we finally had the talk. Well I guess I'm just not happy with the way it ended. Basically what it boiled down to is that he really like me. And because we were friends he didn't want to get too close just in case things didn't work out.

 

He basically said he wasn't ready for the commitment and said he would like to continue dating me to see where things would go. He hasn't gone on any other dates since February and is only sleeping with me, but there are a couple of other girls he has been talking to online.

 

It basically felt to me like, yes I want a relationship, but just not with you, if you know what I mean.

 

After our talk he said we could talk again about this if I wanted more clarity....

 

After our talk he chatted me up on IM about some random crap I think just to make sure I was still talking to him. I was a little like why are you trying to talk to me after what you just told me.

 

It appears that the ball is in my court now, I can either choose to go back to being friends with him as before, or I can continue dating this man as is for now. This is a place I've never been so I don't know what to do. I'm pretty torn.

 

For now I've just kind of backed off and not given him any inclination one way or the other.

 

Opinions?

[Saxis]

Sounds like a "Grass is greener" test... He's holding out on any commitment to see if something better comes along. He said he hasn't actually dated, but told you he is still looking at other options. You should be doing the same at this point. Don't put all your eggs into his basket, hoping he gets hungry for an omelet!

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, he read loud and clear to me that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

 

jad, I would stop communicating with him until you've moved on. After that, decide if still want to be friends with him.

 

One thing's for certain. You have to give him credit for being straight-forward. He could have continued to string you along.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'd go back to just being friends with this guy - as Sax said. But I also agree with the statement that TBF said about the invisible bar.

 

I was getting ready to type out some form of advice...trying to think of a way to word it such that it would be concise and easy to understand. But really - I'll just say: Christian Carter - Catch Him Keep Him - starting on page 246. That would be PERFECT in your situation. Setting relationship standards. It would give him the opportunity to either step up or step aside. But it would be keeping with your theme of being the "strong woman" instead of going to a sucky, weak place that women tend to go when men set a relationship standard that the woman doesn't like. But it doesn't go to the other extreme, either - bitch. If I were to try and summarize, I'd pretty much end up copy/pasting what CC says.

 

But I still think his line about not wanting to get too close was BS if he really liked you as much as he claimed at the same time.

[Kamille]

 

 

It appears that the ball is in my court now, I can either choose to go back to being friends with him as before, or I can continue dating this man as is for now. This is a place I've never been so I don't know what to do. I'm pretty torn.

 

For now I've just kind of backed off and not given him any inclination one way or the other.

 

Opinions?

 

I suggest you smash the ball back in his court. you know what you want, and it neither dating or being friends. Tell him you want more but that you understand he isn't on the same page. Break things off: tell him you want some time to yourself before you resume the friendship. Finish by telling him he knows where to find you if he changes his mind.

[loveslife]

This is a really hard decision for you to make. It's easy for the rest of us to comment because we don't have to live with the outcome of your actions.

 

My feeling is that he led you on and he doesn't even seem to understand that or acknowledge it. I don't think he should be let off the hook so easily.

 

On the other hand, if you can rise above this it will do you a world of good. Get on with your life and learn something from this. Forget about the guy for a while. If you can.

[jadziaidaris]

Thanks for the tip about Catch Him and Keep him. I read an expert. Say this man were to come around sniffing again and actually wanted to take things seriously, I can redefine the standards of the relationship at that point yes?