stuckinoz Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 How many women out there do you know that aren't intuitive enough to KNOW whether their husbands are into them or not. IF they are intuitive....IF they pay attention......IF they are IN THE MARRIAGE....They would know. I'd bet she already KNOWS THIS. She knows he's not into her. And Perhaps........That's OK WITH HER! Tell me that when a partner/husband/wife....someone you live with- When they are in a FUNK, when things aren't JUST RIGHT....You know it. NO one can fake it for 20 years. It's just not possible to be that good of an actor in life. Is the OP a "cake eater" like so many here call them?....Probably. Do I think he should leave - Probably. Only he knows how his wife would react to that. And most of us would be surprised how our spouses react to the "love of their life" leaving them. Hell I had myself convinced that my husband would have a major conniption fit, stalk me, make my life holy hell....But he didn't. He cried for a sec. Then it was over. (short version of the story of course)
Holding-On Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 I have talked this out in IC many times over and have decided that I will never tell my W. I had 4 A's during my M, the last over 5 years ago. I will not have another A in this M. If we go our separate I will not have another A in any type of R. That is not the life I want. You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive. Either way I welcome your comments. Snafu, Atom bomb dropping honesty is a dead horse that will not stopped being beaten. I have been on this board for a while. So expect that. I don't think that forcing your wife to confront things she'd prefer not to know is necessarily the answer. She knows your sex drive, she's known you for 30 years and she knows you are having almost no sex. Maybe she does not want to start again and if she is that resistant to MC or IC I think she does not want to be introspective about this either. You two know each other, generally get along and she has a companion until the end of her days. Call me crazy but do you like each other? You have said the things you admire about each other. I'm guessing you are nearing 60. Ultimately your sex drive will wane and you seem smart enough to know that. So basing another relationship on more similar sex drives at this stage in the game seems a bit foolish to me. Have you asked your wife exactly what she wants and envisions for her life? After 30 years it is not easy to build another life. It really sounds like she doesn't want to. I can see the appeal of having someone to hold hands with, someone to introduce as the man I have been married to for 30 years and have grandchildren with. There are not so many men out there in her age range and she might indeed find someone much much better. Or she might be lonely for the rest of her life. Why not ask her to describe her ideal husband and spend the next couple years trying to do some of that on a daily basis and see how you both feel about each other at the end. If you woo your wife and find you still feel the same after two years of courtship and IC, then ending it is still possible. To understand my bias please realize that I personally do not believe 100% monogamy is ideal for most people with the long life spans of today. I am in an open marriage. So you can take all that I say with a grain of salt. I have only been married half as long as you. Good luck. You are not truly horrible or you would not 1. go to IC 2. get her to go to MC 3. post here knowing you will be roasted in oil
MarkTwain Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 How many women out there do you know that aren't intuitive enough to KNOW whether their husbands are into them or not. IF they are intuitive....IF they pay attention......IF they are IN THE MARRIAGE....They would know. I'd bet she already KNOWS THIS. She knows he's not into her. And Perhaps........That's OK WITH HER! Very well put.
Admiral Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 Divorce her, now. You shouldn't be wasting your time and happiness in a relationship you don't want to be in. You don't have any obligations to her.
OpenBook Posted May 30, 2009 Posted May 30, 2009 The W clearly doesn't want to divorce... and I don't think Snafu does either. Divorce means years and years of agony and financial devastation, and they're both running out of time. The W won't deal with the issues in their M (she refused to keep going to MC) and seems content with the status quo, as long as she still has all her "stuff." And this is why I can see why Snafu hasn't told her about his past A's. What's the point? She's clearly content burying her own head in the sand, and ignoring his (clearly and repeatedly expressed) discontent. And I see no compelling reason for them to split up either, at this late stage of the game. The price is simply too high, in practical terms. Sure, if both partners in a marriage can't meet each other's needs and they both agree it's OK to go outside for whatever each of them needs, and it works for them...then PERFECT. Actually, I think this is the best solution all around for Snafu and his W. Snafu, you sound affluent enough to afford several places to live. Why can't you guys "live" separately for long stretches at a time, getting together for holidays, vacations, events in the adult kids' lives, etc. Who knows... absence may eventually make the heart grow fonder??
Dexter Morgan Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 The W clearly doesn't want to divorce... and I don't think Snafu does either. Divorce means years and years of agony and financial devastation, and they're both running out of time. ah, so stay married because of money? I have been divorced almost 2 years, and my financial situation is just fine. Sure, I'm still paying on my attorneys fees with a loan I took out, but it isn't breaking me and will be paid off in 3 years. So the "financial devestation" argument isn't one at all. And after the talk of "financial devestation", you say this: Actually, I think this is the best solution all around for Snafu and his W. Snafu, you sound affluent enough to afford several places to live.
norajane Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Divorce means years and years of agony and financial devastation, and they're both running out of time. In his first post, he said he married right out of high school and they've been married over 30 years. I'd say that puts them in the 48-52 age range...hardly one foot in the grave!
stuckinoz Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 The ones being gaslighted by a liar. That's Bologna Sauce if I ever heard it!! Women know! And actually some men do too......But we know when the jig is up.
confusedinkansas Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 ah, so stay married because of money? I have been divorced almost 2 years, and my financial situation is just fine. Sure, I'm still paying on my attorneys fees with a loan I took out, but it isn't breaking me and will be paid off in 3 years. So the "financial devestation" argument isn't one at all. Then Dex you are the exception to the rule. I don't know anyone who is divorced who hasn't had their financial situation change drastically. And for those that have been divorced for longer than 4+ years....they are JUST NOW starting to bounce back. My husband & I only separated for a year & the financial blow-out from that alone has left us in quite a pickle. So not only are we trying to repair our relationship, we have financial situations that we never thought we'd be in to have to settle as well. It's kind of a "double whammy!" Makes for a tough road for recovery...that's for sure.
stuckinoz Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 I don't' know about your situation and don't necessarily care to. I speak for myself. I asked, was told no. I asked again, it was explained and made perfect sense. I had no reason not to trust him. As far as I knew he had never cheated on me because we signed a contract and I believed he was man enough to honor it. I was proven wrong after d-day. So whatever sauce you want to call it, it doesn't change the facts that many people never know until it slaps them in the face. You make it sound like women are equipped with lying stemming pile of crap radar. I missed that upgrade. It's not an upgrade...I just feel that IF anyone, MAN OR WOMAN, is in a relationship with someone, sees them every day, has dinners with them, goes out with them, sleeps with them - Should be intuitive enough to pick up on things when the other is "out of sorts" or "not 100% THERE" If you're not IN the relationship, I can see how you'd not notice the signs that someone wasn't totally committed. And, are you sure it's not that you don't know...or - that you really just would rather not know for sure?
Dexter Morgan Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 Then Dex you are the exception to the rule. I don't know anyone who is divorced who hasn't had their financial situation change drastically. And for those that have been divorced for longer than 4+ years....they are JUST NOW starting to bounce back. I never said my financial situation has not change drastically. It costs me more to live than when I was married. But life does go on, and people aren't destroyed financially after a divorce. I think alot of people just pray at the alter of money and think if they have to do without one or 2 luxuries for a while, then its not worth divorcing and staying with a cheater for the rest of their lives is much better. And 4 years is a cakewalk to bounce back. If 4 years is all it takes to get back to a comfortable place financially, why would anyone trade that for a lifetime of misery staying with a person purely because the thought of not having the premium cable channels for a few years is unacceptable? But people have to create their own misery.
amerikajin Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 First post so I will try to keep it short and to the point. Married right out of high school and have been married for over 30 years. Have 2 grown children. I would not leave the M while they were home. Now they are gone and I am lonely. The thought of retiring with my W scares the hell out of me. I was never caught in an affair, though there were many. The happiest time of my marriage, I was seeing a married woman for over 12 years. I talk to no one about the things I do. I always told the OW that I would not leave my marriage. I did not lie to them. I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with. My W is a good person. I am not. Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave, but I don’t want to stay. Only I know what a lousy husband I have been. Good or bad, your comments are welcome. I go back to your original post. Your problem here is that you cannot make a decision. You sit on the fence too much. You're afraid to make a move. You've been afraid for years. You say that you might want to leave your marriage so that you can find someone you enjoy being with, but let's clarify that: you mean that you want to find someone you can be with until you get tired of them, or they of you. You're going to jump into another relationship without ever having addressed your own mistakes in your first one -- that would be a big mistake. You would just make the same mistakes again. You need to address your demons head on. You need to find out what it is that you want from marriage -- any marriage. Calling yourself a lousy husband and leaving your marriage doesn't address that. You're just trying to make the guilt go away. It wouldn't be selfish of you to leave, but it would be selfish of you to leave and not address the issues you need to address.
Gamine Posted June 1, 2009 Posted June 1, 2009 It's not an upgrade...I just feel that IF anyone, MAN OR WOMAN, is in a relationship with someone, sees them every day, has dinners with them, goes out with them, sleeps with them - Should be intuitive enough to pick up on things when the other is "out of sorts" or "not 100% THERE" If you're not IN the relationship, I can see how you'd not notice the signs that someone wasn't totally committed. And, are you sure it's not that you don't know...or - that you really just would rather not know for sure? You are 100% correct. Like Bentnotbroken I asked my husband if he was having an affair because I sensed he wasn't 'right'. I had nightmares repeatedly... of him in an affair... and I actually had a dream whereby one of the women who was having an EA with was in it and was with him. I compulsively talked about it and when I woke up from one of my nightmares in the middle of the night crying he consoled me assuring me that I was his life and that even if I had passed away he would still never look for anyone else... because, after all... I was his one and only. During this time he had 3 women who he was playing around with. One woman was an ex wife from 17 years ago with whom he was engaged in an EA. An ex girlfriend from 16 years ago who he slept with, and a woman 15 years his junior who was a waitress from a golf resort who he was 'grooming' via email and telephone for his next visit to the resort. Wonderful huh? And, all three women (the only infidelities) within a 5 month period of time last year. So, did I KNOW? Yes I sensed it but I was more or less made out to be a crazy person and was reassured NOTHING was or ever could go on. The spouse knows something isn't right, but frankly when you trust them it is kind of hard to imagine infidelity is at the root of the problem... hence my dreams. My subconscious was trying to tell me something.
stuckinoz Posted June 2, 2009 Posted June 2, 2009 ... hence my dreams. My subconscious was trying to tell me something. Isn't it weird how that happens. Our gut & subconcious - knows...Sometimes we listen - other times we don't.
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