Only I know how bad of a husband I am.....

[cybersister]

You stayed in the marriage for the sake of your children; your wife sounds like she got used to you not being there for her but she was /is prepared to stay married for the sake of the material side of being married and wants to hang onto that. And if being a good provider is how she rates her husband, maybe you have not been such a bad one !

If you cut loose, you may not find the woman you want - you may continue to have affairs ( are you in one now ? ) but could at last at least be honest- not having to creep around, worry about being found out.

And I agree with the other poster who suggested that then your wife will be free to seek real love.

Sounds like she has low sense of her worth to imagine she could not find someone else - someone who will love her as well as provide. ( you do not say if your wife works- will she be able to cope alone until this happens ?)

[taylor]

Divorce, according to what he has posted, is not what his wife wants and he has indicated that she believes she would be destroyed by it.

 

How do you think his wife would feel about divorce if she knew THE TRUTH...that he is a serial cheater?

 

In the end, what would destroy her more...infidelity or divorce.

 

Most people who divorce after infidelity are glad they did, as the infidelity is seen as the greater of the two evils.

[taylor]

You stayed in the marriage for the sake of your children; your wife sounds like she got used to you not being there for her but she was /is prepared to stay married for the sake of the material side of being married and wants to hang onto that. And if being a good provider is how she rates her husband, maybe you have not been such a bad one !

 

How about being a good provider AND A SERIAL CHEATER..how would his wife RATE that? Would she still consider him to be "not so bad."

 

Don't forget...SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS. She doesn't have all the facts.

[Gamine]

How do you think his wife would feel about divorce if she knew THE TRUTH...that he is a serial cheater?

 

In the end, what would destroy her more...infidelity or divorce.

 

Most people who divorce after infidelity are glad they did, as the infidelity is seen as the greater of the two evils.

 

 

Implicit in doing what is spiritually and morally correct is honesty. However, doing what is correct must be her decision and not his, otherwise divorce is just another self serving accomplishment.

 

He owes her quite a bit. He can make up for it by honesty and a commitment that he abides by... not to cheat again regardless of what feelings he feels he is entitled to 'live out'. Entitlement can be self deluding and lead to a never ending spiral of chasing gratification. A well that has no bottom. For as more entitlement is satisfied its ugly head rears itself again with more and more opportunities.

 

Necessarily, he must come clean and straighten his act up (as I have said in an earlier post). He can either do the right thing by her or not. If he doesn't I wouldn't want to be the spiritual him for all of the tea in China.

[Gamine]

I also cannot help but wonder, Snafu, whether your wife and marriage would have been different had you seen her as your only outlet for emotional and sexual intimacy.

 

Your hunger for her is what has been lacking. For hunger for her could not be satisfied through or by another random woman. Why wasn't it your wife who you sought to pursue sexually. Believe me, it is far easier to point to her as 'sexless' rather than to point the finger towards oneself. Through affairs and affair partners 'confirming' you are wonderful you have avoided the inevitable of dealing with yourself... which, by the way, I believe is why you choose this shallow way to personal redemption.

[taylor]

Why, Would he disagree that every marriage is different? Don't know how you can argue that point. Cuz they ALL are.

Some, the wives turn their heads at what their husbands are doing & visa versa. Some are open marriages. Some are just totally F'd up & both parties stay for financial reasons. (& when I say F'd up - I mean in OUR EYES...not theirs.) - So how can you argue that all marriages aren't the same?

 

The point isn't whether all marriages are the same or different. Of course no two marriages are the same. No one said that.

 

The point is both this OP and the other OP, DNU, are in traditional marriages...meaning they both said vows of fidelity and commitment to their spouses.

 

DNU's wife cheated on him with 4 different men...she broke her vow over and over again. The pain he feels is incredible. There is no way he would ever say he had a "perfect" marriage or that the "arrangement" was acceptable.

 

In this OP's case, he KNOWS he broke his vows. He KNOWS he has been unfaithful to his wife many times over. And he KNOWS this is unacceptable to his wife. He KNOWS his wife would never approve this "arrangement."

 

If this OP thought his wife would be A-OK with this "arrangement", he would have told her about it a long time ago. They would have AGREED on the arrangement.

 

Even at this point in time, he still feels he can't tell his wife about the "arrangement."

 

If his marriage was so RIGHT, so PERFECT, so HAPPY then why is he hiding behind a veil of lies and secrecy.

 

And how can you say his wife is happy with the "arrangement"? She doesn't even know what it is? He's playing by a different set of rules she doesn't even know exist.

 

Definition of a perfect marriage?

 

Well, in this OP's case, I would say definition of a perfect marriage would be one in which the OP confessed his adulteries to his wife and his wife hugged him, saying, "I'm SO HAPPY I married you."

 

Now that would be perfect...two partners on the same page and both happy.

 

What are the chances of that happening?

[taylor]

Necessarily, he must come clean and straighten his act up ). He can either do the right thing by her or not. If he doesn't I wouldn't want to be the spiritual him for all of the tea in China.

 

Once he comes clean, he may not be given the chance to "straighten up his act" or "do the right thing by her."

 

She may boot his cheating azz out and serve him divorce papers so fast his head spins.

 

Why stay with anyone who has worked so hard for so many years to prove he can't be honest, can't be trusted and who can't show respect.

[Snafu]

Even at this point in time, he still feels he can't tell his wife about the "arrangement."

 

I have talked this out in IC many times over and have decided that I will never tell my W.

I had 4 A's during my M, the last over 5 years ago. I will not have another A in this M.

If we go our separate I will not have another A in any type of R. That is not the life I want.

 

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

[GorillaTheater]

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

 

I'm not sure I understand why. You've stated at least twice that you're not going to tell your wife, and I think you've also indicated that you plan to remain married.

Sounds like you've got your mind made up, so what is it that you want from this place? What was your point in posting here?

[2sunny]

I have talked this out in IC many times over and have decided that I will never tell my W.

I had 4 A's during my M, the last over 5 years ago. I will not have another A in this M.

If we go our separate I will not have another A in any type of R. That is not the life I want.

 

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

 

i like the clarification. your ability to target the past problem and be determined not to do the past regrets is a great change and a positive step in the right direction.

 

i suppose the question is... what do you want for a happy and healthy life? how can you go about getting it with the least amount of hurt and pain to others?

 

if you aren't sure - it may be helpful to journal about what happy looks like to you.

[taylor]

I have talked this out in IC many times over and have decided that I will never tell my W.

I had 4 A's during my M, the last over 5 years ago. I will not have another A in this M.

If we go our separate I will not have another A in any type of R. That is not the life I want.

 

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

 

Already gave you something constructive to do:

 

Tell your wife the truth. Then divorce.

 

Clean conscience and freedom to do as you please.

 

What's holding you back?

[taylor]

Snafu,

 

Ask yourself this:

 

If your wife cheated on you with several men and had a 12-year affair with one of them....all behind your back...

 

and if your wife was very unhappy in the marriage because you weren't meeting her sexual needs...

 

what would you suggest SHE do?

 

Would YOU want to know about her adulteries or would you want her to continue hiding them from you?

 

Would you want to stay married to her? Would you want her to stay married to you?

 

Simple questions. Answers?

[Dexter Morgan]

I can take what ever anyone has to say and everyone has a right to there opinion.

I have been reading the comments and given them much thought. I think that I need to clarify few things. I admitted that I have had many A's. I have not had an A in the last 5 years. I have pushed for MC, she went twice and didn't like what she was hearing and quit.

 

What was she hearing that she didn't like?

 

 

And I gather she doesn't know about your cheating. Therefore, MC is a waste of time if all the cards aren't laid on the table. Because I'd all but guarantee, if the therapist knew you had cheated on her all your life, what your wife was hearing might have been completely different with that little tidbit of info. Because as long as you expect progress in MC, but continue to keep your little secret...then you might as well save your money.

 

Without full disclosure in MC, it means one spouse is trying to make all the effort under false pretenses, and the other spouse is expecting change while trying to hide their dirty little secret.

 

 

I have been going to IC even that upsets her. She thinks it's a waste of time and $$.

 

Thats because she doesn't, I gather, know you cheated all those years.

 

 

We have built a very nice life, nice home, good children and lots of friends. My W has never been one to show much affection, she shows her love by taking care of things and people. She is very good at taking care of the family and running the home. That is where she shows her passion.

 

Many of you seem to think that I should set her free and be a man.

 

You don't know me and you make a lot of assumptions.

 

no assumptions about it. You laid it out on the table. Why wouldn't we think you should set her free....oh I get it...what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

You are a lifetime, serial cheater. We aren't assuming that. You admitted it.

 

 

 

I have had many talks with my W and told her how unhappy I am. She always says the same thing, that she would be miserable if I left.

 

Of course, because she doesn't know the truth. ya, you are telling her how unhappy you are, but you haven't told her that during the course of your marriage stuck your vienna sausage in multiple women.

 

 

I am not the evil bastard that many of you seem to think I am. I have loved my W for a long time and always been there for her during some very hard times.

 

bullsh#t and onions buddy....you don't love someone the whole while you are f#####g other women. Thats not love.

 

 

(The loss of her parents, her health issues) I don’t think I have been a good H because of the A’s but I have been better than a lot of people I know.

 

Drew Peterson maybe.

[Dexter Morgan]

Snafu,

 

Ask yourself this:

 

If your wife cheated on you with several men and had a 12-year affair with one of them....all behind your back...

 

and if your wife was very unhappy in the marriage because you weren't meeting her sexual needs...

 

what would you suggest SHE do?

 

Would YOU want to know about her adulteries or would you want her to continue hiding them from you?

 

Oh you know what he is going to say...he is going to say that he wouldn't want to know...why? because he wouldn't want to tell her about his f#cking around.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

 

first things first.....there is a difference between simply being "down" and being down because of 30 years of being a cake eater.

 

But you want something constructive? ok...but you aren't going to like it and doubt you will do it.

 

You wanted MC and wanted it to work....but its a waste of time and a deception of your wife to make her work at MC when you aren't telling the truth.

 

So what to do? Come clean with your wife.

 

If you can't do that, then there is nothing anyone, except an attorney, can do for you...not even a marriage counselor.

[taylor]

ONe more question, out of curiosity...

 

What does your wife think you are going to IC for?

[taylor]

Oh you know what he is going to say...he is going to say that he wouldn't want to know...why? because he wouldn't want to tell her about his f#cking around.

 

I'm going to assume his wife has remained faithful.

 

So, Snafu, if YOU were the faithful one..the committed one...all these years, would you want to know your spouse cheated on you for most of your marriage or would you want your spouse to continue hiding that from you.

 

And if you knew your spouse was unhappy and had been unfaithful for a long period of time, would you want to stay married to that spouse? Would you want that spouse to stay married to you?

[Gamine]

I have talked this out in IC many times over and have decided that I will never tell my W.

I had 4 A's during my M, the last over 5 years ago. I will not have another A in this M.

If we go our separate I will not have another A in any type of R. That is not the life I want.

 

You can keep kicking me while I'm down or you can offer something constructive.

Either way I welcome your comments.

 

You have hijacked this woman's life determining in your own wisdom what she is entitled to and what she is not entitled to according to your ever changing ideas in your own life. Through deception she has likely experienced a great deal of personal feelings of rejection by you as her mate. Her recoiling to living without sex and without the comfort of her mate is terribly sad. I do not believe she is 'sexless'. Rather that she has withdrawn from a painful place where, most likely, she has sensed your rejection of her. She may not 'know' but I promise you she senses that she is not the apple of your eye. That is the internal sadness she has managed to cope with all of these years.

 

She has a right to her own life. Repeat. She has a right to her own life and to be given the right to choose based upon reality. If you decide not to tell her the truth because of self protection you are at liberty not to, however make it your priority to do whatever you need to do for the rest of your earthly life in making HER LIFE ideal in every way that it possibly can be.

 

Furthermore, I would like to suggest that you see a therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction (that is really what we are talking about here) such as a sex therapist in lieu of a generic IC. A sex therapist can help you understand what is broken inside of you and get you on the right track.

 

I wish you well, SNAFU, and trust that you find the joy, happiness and fulfillment in your life and that you can and will muster up the character to do the hard work necessary in healing yourself AND taking the steps to bring honor to the life of your wife.

[subdued]

I was married for 16 years. My ex started having affairs after the 10th year. He never admitted to the affairs, but I knew he was having them. The lies became unbearable.

 

I was deeply in love with him. But it takes two to have a relationship, and he fell out of love with me. It's not possible to fall back in love once you've fallen out of love.

 

We divorced. I was devastated. I didn't have any family except for my two kids.

 

When I look back, the hardest part about ending the relationship was money. I was really poor. I had trouble taking care of my kids, and I was scared I would loose them due to lack of money. I really could have used more financial support than I got from my ex, especially since I was the one who took care of the kids.

 

It took me 10 years to get over him, find someone else, and fall in love again. However, I did find someone else. My current boyfriend is so much better for me than my ex was. I'm now glad the relationship with my ex ended.

 

You are wasting both your and your wife's life by not ending the relationship. People get divorced all the time. We move on.

 

I advise having a talk with your wife. Tell her that you are no longer in love with her and haven't been for many years. Tell her that you had affairs only if she asks. She deserves the truth, but not everyone wants the truth. Ask for a trial separation.

 

On the one hand, you need to be firm. She needs to know that the relationship is over so that she can get on with her life. On the other hand, you need to help her get over the difficulty of your breaking up with her.

 

Your kids are grown. You won't be hurting them.

[stuckinoz]

Wow - some of you are drama queens/kings here.

 

"Hijacked his wife's life?" Holy crap!! Are you kidding me.

"Once you fall out of love you can't fall back in" - Seriously?

 

IF he has chosen to not tell her, AND his counselor is helping him thru that - what's the big deal. Do you all think that counselors are supposed to be the judge & jury & tell him he SHOULD ABSOLUTELY tell? That's not what a GOOD counselor is supposed to do (from what I understand)

 

I agree with your decision to not tell. I also commend you on the decision to never have another affair!!! It CAN be done. People CAN CHANGE!!!!And.....BTW - it is possible to fall BACK IN LOVE.

[MarkTwain]

Snafu-

 

This is a very interesting thread. You said in one post referring to sex, that your wife said if you want anything, just let her know. Are you saying she would provide sex, but it was no different than getting a delivery of eggs from the milkman? "Just let me know how many eggs you want, and I'll drop them off round the back" sort of thing?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

When does his wife, his partner, get to decide her own faith? When he grows a pair or when she finds out on her own, because she will. His wife needs the opportunity to chose whether or not to change....husbands.

 

What's the saddest to me, is that the wife (any BS) is "punished" by his (any WS) actions. How could he ever fall in love with someone who will always remind him of his poor behavior/mistreatment. No one wants to spend happy time with someone they have mistreated no matter how well they attempt to rationalize it. The WS's own feelings will always be projected onto the BS, as a result of the WS's actions.

 

As for the wife's offer of taking care of his needs... Gamine has a most wonderful post about sex in marriage from a wife's prospective. Worth the read, IMO.

LoveShack.org Community Forums - View Single Post - Hit on by a new MM

[HsMomma]

So now he again has made a decision about her life. He now wants to be faithful, but he doesn't love her, but she is supposed to live with that:rolleyes:Wow he is a little prince isn't he? Now he refuses to give her the option of "choosing" to stay with a lying, cheating, self absorbed, walking midlife crisis, but he feels like he is doing her a favor:rolleyes: well, how magnanimous of him.

 

BNB,

 

This made me laugh out loud! Not that there's anything funny about this "man's" situation, but your take on it is so in-line with mine that I cracked up..."magnanimous bastard, isn't he?" is probably how I'd have phrased it, but otherwise...LMAO!!

[HappyAgain]

I'm not the OP's wife but I went through exactly the same thing. We were going to MC while he was having his latest affair, lying to me and the counsellor. I found out in the ugliest way and when I did it was out the door for him.

 

How dare you think that your wife has to keep you by hiding your actions from her? She has the right to make her own choice whether to stay with a lying cheating dirtbag like yourself or whether she deserves to find a real man! Who cares if you decide to remain faithful or not, if you are even capable of remaining faithful - the decision is hers to make, not yours!

[stuckinoz]

Why upset the apple cart if he's willing to change & make a better life?

People DO & CAN change ya know.