Only I know how bad of a husband I am.....

[Mr. Lucky]

People here might be tactful but nothing will take away the fact that you want to leave your wife of 30 years behind, simple as that.

Whatever deficits occured in the marriage were caused by both partners. While I don't condone Snafu's extramarital activities, very few men would have stuck it out 30 years in the kind of relationship he describes. Maybe, at least emotionally and sexually, his wife bailed on him a long time ago. No winners here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NoIDidn't]

Whatever deficits occured in the marriage were caused by both partners. While I don't condone Snafu's extramarital activities, very few men would have stuck it out 30 years in the kind of relationship he describes. Maybe, at least emotionally and sexually, his wife bailed on him a long time ago. No winners here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I disagree. A good many men would have stuck it out in such a marriage so long as they got to have their cake and eat it too, as Snafu admits to many affairs.

 

While I agree that both partners contribute to the marriage, there is often one taking far more away than the other. Snafu is an example as he has taken the comforts of home while carrying on affair after after and even one for more than 12 years. That says more about him than his marriage.

 

Snafu, I wish you luck, whatever you choose. Just admit that you are doing it for the same reason you had your affairs - for yourself.

[Snafu]

May I ask what ended the 12 year affair?

 

She ended it and never told me why. I think it had something with her oldest son was getting married. She called we talked and it was over. That was over 10 years ago.

[amerikajin]

My parents stayed together after more than one bout of infidelity. The original feelings were never the same, but they managed to carry on. Cheating is definitely destructive, but it's not necessarily the end of a marriage. It might even be better for the spouse not to know. Some spouses might not even want to know.

[jj33]

What am I holding on for?

My W is content with things being as they have been for years. I have provided a nice home and comfortable lifestyle. When we talk of changing, her focus is always on loosing things, not me.

 

In my view that says it all.

 

If you leave who will you be hurting?

 

1. Not your W - you checked out years ago and she will get "half".

 

Are you happy to be left with half at age 60+?

 

2. Your kids are grown ups now. You dont have to live your life for them any longer.

 

I am biased as I read this. I was involved with someone who was married for more than 30 years and couldnt see his way clear to leaving as he was concerned it would harm his relationship with his family etc etc etc.

 

A marriage is more than the sum of its parts. It is not just your relationship with your W it is the extended family, the community, the friends etc etc etc.

 

But it sounds like you have looked at all of that and decided that you deserve to live out the rest of your life with someone you WANT to spend time with when you retire.

 

I suspect a big part of you regrets that you waited this long when you have been unhappy in the marriage for so many years. When it comes down to it, the friends the trappings, the family holidays dont mean all that much if day to day, you arent happy in your marriage.

 

RUN LIKE THE WIND

 

The light isnt getting any greener. You are relatively young, you have your health. Go now before you feel you are stuck and its too late and while your wife also has a chance to make a life with someone new.

 

As for whether you are going to tell your W about the As - I think that is immaterial. She has to know if you havent slept together in years that you were probably making your own arrangements.

[Dexter Morgan]

I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with.

 

more importantly, end the marriage to set your wife free from you.

she doesn't deserve this.

[Enema]

Another vote to divorce.

 

You're sticking around because it will be uncomfortable for you to have to deal with the divorce situation.

 

Stop thinking about yourself for just once and give the poor woman a chance to marry a man.

[scrunchy]

Only I know how bad of a husband I am.....

First post so I will try to keep it short and to the point.

Married right out of high school and have been married for over 30 years.

Have 2 grown children. I would not leave the M while they were home.

Now they are gone and I am lonely.

The thought of retiring with my W scares the hell out of me.

I was never caught in an affair, though there were many.

The happiest time of my marriage, I was seeing a married woman for over 12 years.

I talk to no one about the things I do.

I always told the OW that I would not leave my marriage. I did not lie to them.

I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with.

My W is a good person. I am not.

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave, but I don’t want to stay. Only I know what a lousy husband I have been.

Good or bad, your comments are welcome.

 

You are being selfish by leaving??? HELLO! YOU HAVE BEEN SELFISH FOR 30 YEARS BY STAYING!!!! You got the woman to take care of your kids, feed, and take care of your home and the sex with the hot mistress. Honestly, you destroyed the prime years of this woman's life by staying with her, all the while you were being a selfish jackass! What a HORRIBLE thing to do to someone for so long and pretend everything is honky dory. She lost the chance of finding someone WHO WOULD REALLY LOVE HER during her youth! What a miserable existence you kept everyone in.

[giotto]

yes, very lousy - and selfish - husband. Just set this poor woman free, please...

[HsMomma]

Maybe I am just being naive here, but it seems to me, OP, that you've thought LONG & HARD about what would make YOU happier...what about her? I almost never advocate divorce as a solution, having been there, done that (with a child involved), but the unfairness of the way you've treated your wife for so long was like a slap to me. LET HER GO - at this point, it simply isn't about you anymore - if you care even a tiny bit about her (as you claim to), think about HER for once. She (actually, anyone) deserves better than you've given her. Just my opinion.

[taylor]

The light isnt getting any greener. You are relatively young, you have your health. Go now before you feel you are stuck and its too late and while your wife also has a chance to make a life with someone new.

 

As for whether you are going to tell your W about the As - I think that is immaterial. She has to know if you havent slept together in years that you were probably making your own arrangements.

 

It's quite possible your wife was also making her "own arrangements" since the two of you haven't slept together in years. Perhaps that is why she is only interested in you in terms of material "things." She may be getting her physical and emotional needs met elsewhere as well.

 

After all, you said she is happy the way things are. Few women would be happy without getting their physical and emotional needs met..from somewhere.

 

OP, you don't love your wife. You haven't for a long time. And it sounds like your wife really doesn't love you, either. If either one of you truly loved the other, at least one of you would have been fighting tooth and nail to rescue your marriage. Neither one of you seems interested in that.

 

I'll join the ranks of those who believe you should divorce.

 

You are a serial cheater and in reality, have not been "married" for years as marriage means commitment and fidelity. Your marriage is a farce.

 

Divorce and you can both have the freedom to have as many love affairs as you want while you are both still able to.

 

My bet is, in the end, divorce will be the best thing to happen to your wife in a long time.

[stuckinoz]

It's quite possible your wife was also making her "own arrangements" since the two of you haven't slept together in years. Perhaps that is why she is only interested in you in terms of material "things." She may be getting her physical and emotional needs met elsewhere as well.

 

After all, you said she is happy the way things are. Few women would be happy without getting their physical and emotional needs met..from somewhere.

 

Who's to say what the definition of a perfect marriage is? Perhaps this arrangement works.(Apparently for her it's workin' out just fine)

EVERY marriage is different. I put up with certain things out of my husband, for instance, that I know damn well most women wouldn't stand for a second. So, everyone is different.

 

 

 

You all here seem to be kicking this guy when he's down...(lousey husband - selfish husband - set your wife free)....How fair is that?

[giotto]

 

 

You all here seem to be kicking this guy when he's down...(lousey husband - selfish husband - set your wife free)....How fair is that?

 

he's down now.... what about when he was happily shagging his mistresses? Come on! This is pathetic. Why should a man been forgiven only because he is asking for forgiveness? The whole set up is wrong. If he really is sorry, then he should confess and take it from there.... but I'm pretty sure of what his wife will say...

[Dexter Morgan]

Who's to say what the definition of a perfect marriage is? Perhaps this arrangement works.

 

if it works, then he wouldn't be considered lousy by even his own admission

 

 

You all here seem to be kicking this guy when he's down...(lousey husband - selfish husband - set your wife free)....How fair is that?

 

seeing as how he is a lifetime cheat and engages in lifetime betrayal of his wife....i'd say its pretty damn fair.

[stuckinoz]

. but I'm pretty sure of what his wife will say...

 

Are you friends with his wife? Wow what a coincidence:confused:

Perhaps you should tell her what's going on then. Coming from a friend she'll have a shoulder to lean on since you know what she'll say.

[Snafu]

I can take what ever anyone has to say and everyone has a right to there opinion.

I have been reading the comments and given them much thought. I think that I need to clarify few things. I admitted that I have had many A's. I have not had an A in the last 5 years. I have pushed for MC, she went twice and didn't like what she was hearing and quit. I have been going to IC even that upsets her. She thinks it's a waste of time and $$.

 

We have built a very nice life, nice home, good children and lots of friends. My W has never been one to show much affection, she shows her love by taking care of things and people. She is very good at taking care of the family and running the home. That is where she shows her passion.

 

Many of you seem to think that I should set her free and be a man.

 

You don't know me and you make a lot of assumptions. I have had many talks with my W and told her how unhappy I am. She always says the same thing, that she would be miserable if I left.

I am not the evil bastard that many of you seem to think I am. I have loved my W for a long time and always been there for her during some very hard times. (The loss of her parents, her health issues) I don’t think I have been a good H because of the A’s but I have been better than a lot of people I know.

I posted on LS to get feedback and food for thought.

Again, good or bad your comments are welcome

[taylor]

Who's to say what the definition of a perfect marriage is? Perhaps this arrangement works.(Apparently for her it's workin' out just fine)

 

If you think a man who can't uphold his marriage vow of fidelity and who can't stay committed to one woman whom he vowed to stay committed to IS a perfect marriage, then I would say you have mighty low expectations of marriage.

 

How do you know this arrangement is working for her? She doesn't even know about his serial cheating and he's afraid to tell her. How HAPPY do you think she would be hearing about all the women he screwed over the last decade or so...about all the lies he told her so that he could screw other women? Sure, ignorance is bliss, isn't it?

 

ANd how do you know what their real arrangement is. If he's been cheating on her for years, how much time do you think he has invested in the marriage? Certainly, there is no physical intimacy. What about emotional intimacy? There is no way this husband could be involved in an affair for 12 years and still provide his wife with emotional intimacy.

 

So, tell me, what woman in their right mind would stay in a marriage with a man who provides her with no physical or emotional intimacy? Why bother. Tell me, how happy could she really be.

 

Men and women both cheat even when just ONE physical or emotional need isn't being met. But take a woman like this whose emotional and physical needs probably haven't been met for years by a husband who is out screwing other women instead of taking care of the needs of the one at home.

 

I could EASILY see her making her "own arrangement" to get her physical needs and emotional needs met...just like he did...on the side.

 

Sure, if both partners in a marriage can't meet each other's needs and they both agree it's OK to go outside for whatever each of them needs, and it works for them...then PERFECT.

 

But this is not the case here. The husband can't even tell his wife what he's been up to.

 

 

 

Everyone seem to be kicking this guy when he's down...(lousey husband - selfish husband - set your wife free)....How fair is that?

 

Anyone who commits adultery, even once, gets kicked on this forum. This guy is a SERIAL CHEATER over a LONG period of time. He's going to get kicked hard.

 

Fairness??? How fair was it for him to go outside his marriage and commit adultery behind his wife's back over and over and over with many, many women....and not get her permission first?

[giotto]

Are you friends with his wife? Wow what a coincidence:confused:

Perhaps you should tell her what's going on then. Coming from a friend she'll have a shoulder to lean on since you know what she'll say.

 

no, I'm not her friend but I can read minds...

[taylor]

Who's to say what the definition of a perfect marriage is? Perhaps this arrangement works.(Apparently for her it's workin' out just fine)

EVERY marriage is different. I put up with certain things out of my husband, for instance, that I know damn well most women wouldn't stand for a second. So, everyone is different.

 

 

 

You all here seem to be kicking this guy when he's down...(lousey husband - selfish husband - set your wife free)....How fair is that?

 

There is a poster, DNU, whose wife had 4 affairs in the past decade. I'd love to see you post this quote of yours on his thread and see what happens.

[taylor]

You don't know me and you make a lot of assumptions. I have had many talks with my W and told her how unhappy I am. She always says the same thing, that she would be miserable if I left.

 

She's going to be even more miserable if and when she finds out you have been cheating on her most of your marriage.

 

 

I am not the evil bastard that many of you seem to think I am.

 

When I first came on this forum and admitted I had feelings...just feelings..for a coworker who I was helping through a rough time in his life...I got called a whore, a b**ch, and was told I was unfit for marriage. And this was after I told my husband what was happening.

 

You are a serial cheater who continues to lie to your wife every day about who you really are and what you have done. What would you call yourself?

 

I have loved my W for a long time

 

No, you don't. If you loved her, you wouldn't have cheated on her over and over again with a number of other women. If she cheated on you over and over again with many men, would you believe she loved you?

 

 

(I have... always been there for her during some very hard times.

 

And there have been times when you haven't been there for her...like when you were out screwing other women.

 

I don’t think I have been a good H because of the A’s but I have been better than a lot of people I know.

 

You haven't been a good PERSON in general. You lack respect and integrity. Every opportunity you had to show you had these two qualities you ignored as you chose, instead, to screw some woman who was not your wife. How many opportunities to do the right thing did you pass up. How many times did you choose to disrespect your wife and do the dishonorable thing?

 

If you were so unhappy, why didn't you divorce instead of betray your wife over and over again?

 

And what holding you back now? Guilt? Don't want to hurt her?

 

Where was the guilt when you were with all of your affair partners? Didn't care if you hurt your wife then. Why worry now?

 

You already ruined her life by making a farce out of the marriage she's in. It's already water under the bridge. You can't take it back. You can't undo it.

 

Divorce. Set her free so that she has an opportunity to find someone who can be faithful and committed to her.

[stuckinoz]

There is a poster, DNU, whose wife had 4 affairs in the past decade. I'd love to see you post this quote of yours on his thread and see what happens.

 

Why, Would he disagree that every marriage is different? Don't know how you can argue that point. Cuz they ALL are.

Some, the wives turn their heads at what their husbands are doing & visa versa. Some are open marriages. Some are just totally F'd up & both parties stay for financial reasons. (& when I say F'd up - I mean in OUR EYES...not theirs.) - So how can you argue that all marriages aren't the same?

[SummerBreeze]

A different perspective....

 

My father has had multiple affairs in the course of his 30+ year marriage to my mother. Most recently, he cheated with a good friend of the family who's children my mother babysat - possibly even a few times while their mother was out with my father.

 

Once the affair was exposed my mother confided in me that there had been others. Some one-time things, others actual relationships. I'm not sure how many times he's cheated all together.

 

Regardless, my mother has chosen to stay with my father all these years for various reasons. At one time it was for "the kids". Then it was "This is all I know. I've never been on my own". Then it was "He's a good friend. I don't want to start all over again". Now it's for "the grandchildren. They'd be devestated".

 

All the while, she struggles with the anger, resentment and shame my father has caused her. She's miserable and it shows yet she continues along in her marriage. For the most part they get along well, but it's obvious to my brother and I that it's a marriage of comfort and convenience more than anything. I'm sure my father will eventually cheat again because he knows he can get away with it. She won't leave.

 

The pain of knowing about my father's multiple affairs didn't give my mom the energy to leave him and start over. It didn't wipe the slate clean for them to "start over". It killed my mom and left a shell of the person she was before. She's one of those people who I truly believe would have been better off not knowing. Their relationship didn't improve either. It just carried on the way it was before, only now my mom's got another battle scar to deal with. Her pain trickles down to my brother and I who are her sounding boards now that we're adults. We have to listen to her tearful rants and critisisms of my father (and usually his whole family). Its awkward and uncomfortable, yet we want to be respectful.

 

My point is, some people are so sensitive that they literally can't deal with the truth about an affair in a positive way. Just keep that in mind when you decide whether or not to tell your wife. It'll affect everyone. Good luck.

[Gamine]

Snafu, I wish it were only you who knew what a bad husband you are.

 

I was laughed off of another thread for speaking of God. Frankly, I found that so troubling I won't even address that concern here. I will just speak from my heart what I hold as my personal truth and for those who do not believe in God, please just pass over my post and don't berade me for my beliefs.

 

God knows what you have done, Snafu. I believe everyone has what I call a 'book of life'. Where everything you do, say, think or feel is recorded. When we leave this life there are no more deceptions because we have had witnesses and these witnesses will bring us to countenance for our actions.

 

There are many philosophical and spiritual (let alone religious doctrines) that speak to this and this concept has been held by many in countless cultures throughout time.

 

If you believe in God know this... that you've led a life based upon sin. You've broken numerous of God's commandments as a way of life. Routine it seems.

 

Right and wrong are not ever changing targets we individually determine by deceiving ourselves into thinking that what is 'right' or 'wrong' for us personally determines or somehow can even affect or determine what is right or wrong in actuality. There are, whether you wish for it or not, rights and wrongs laid down by our creator. This is not the ever changing benchmark our society has set. This exists notwithstanding the nay sayers or those who don't believe. Everyone is held up to the light and we either straighten ourselves out while we are alive and fix the problems we have created or we suffer. It is that simple.

 

Stealing the life of someone who has given it to you under lies and deceit is one of the worst betrayals imaginable. For you this has become a way of life. If you want an EZ Pass to fire and brimstone just go on about doing what you are doing and deluding yourself on the everlasting importance of your actions. Just because we as humans want to believe that we can go on about out business and have no ramifications just because 'someone' doesn't know about it. Think again.

 

Clean up your act and repay this woman for the things you have stolen from her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Stealing the life of someone who has given it to you under lies and deceit is one of the worst betrayals imaginable.

 

He knows this on some level Gamine, that's why he will never be comfortable in his marriage, no matter what changes he could possibly make (though understandably he has expressed no desire to do so). His wife will never NOT be a reminder of that to him. Hence, he could never feel romantically involved with her, only chastised, even though she doesn't know.

 

 

She will always be a reminder of who he is. Divorce is the only option for happiness for either of them.

[Gamine]

Stealing the life of someone who has given it to you under lies and deceit is one of the worst betrayals imaginable.

 

He knows this on some level Gamine, that's why he will never be comfortable in his marriage, no matter what changes he could possibly make (though understandably he has expressed no desire to do so). His wife will never NOT be a reminder of that to him. Hence, he could never feel romantically involved with her, only chastised, even though she doesn't know.

 

 

She will always be a reminder of who he is. Divorce is the only option for happiness for either of them.

 

 

Divorce, according to what he has posted, is not what his wife wants and he has indicated that she believes she would be destroyed by it.

 

Repaying this woman means doing the right thing to uplift her life after having turned the meaning of it to garbage.

 

In Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Hindu, as well as countless other belief systems there is a common understanding that when we wrong, the only way to make it 'right' is to balance the scales. Divorce sets him (seemingly while deceptively) free. He has created a false prison for himself and believes that this woman has no sexuality whatsoever because she no longer wishes to have sex with him. So he finds horny women who are broken in similar ways to life out destructive fantasies. The bottom line here is not with his wife but within himself.

 

Let's be serious here. As many men who post about their wives not wanting sex there are equally the same in number from women who complain that their husbands no longer make love to them. If we talked less about SEX and more about making love perhaps there would be far more satisfied customers.

 

What does a spouse need to do to turn their partner off? That is what SNAFU needs to reflect upon. His sexuality, by virtue of the marriage, belongs to her and to the marriage. Like it or not that is the way it is. If he keeps looking (like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz) for the way back home to himself through outside forces he will find himself on a journey that has no end. Chances are, if he even had the woman she messed with for 12 years she would eventually no longer be enough either. He is the proverbial serpent chasing its own tail.