Only I know how bad of a husband I am.....

[Snafu]

First post so I will try to keep it short and to the point.

Married right out of high school and have been married for over 30 years.

Have 2 grown children. I would not leave the M while they were home.

Now they are gone and I am lonely.

The thought of retiring with my W scares the hell out of me.

I was never caught in an affair, though there were many.

The happiest time of my marriage, I was seeing a married woman for over 12 years.

I talk to no one about the things I do.

I always told the OW that I would not leave my marriage. I did not lie to them.

I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with.

My W is a good person. I am not.

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave, but I don’t want to stay. Only I know what a lousy husband I have been.

Good or bad, your comments are welcome.

[confusedinkansas]

{{Hugs}}

Just remember....The grass is not greener out there in the cold cruel world. Your wife of 30 years is all you know - besides your mistresses. Life in an affair is not REAL LIFE. It is a fantasy world. It's roses & peaches & blissful stolen moments or weekends. Real life is not always that way. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you have made up your mind that you don't want to be there, so leave. Is the only reason you want to leave is because your wife is a good person and you feel you are not? Or, are you not in love with your wife anymore and want to find true love?

[whichwayisup]

30+ years of history together..Is someone new and starting over worth throwing all that away?

 

Have you actually sat down and spoken to your wife about any of this? How you feel? Maybe she feels the exact same way! Or maybe she will put in more effort (as will you) to make your marriage more exciting, more passionate.. Would you consider doing marriage counselling with your wife?

[Littlemadam]

I can't really advise anything, only you know deep in your heart what you should do.

 

It is sad you feel like this, and if you are not happy you need to decide the risks of still not finding happiness elsewhere. It depends how unhappy you are, and how much of a gambler.

 

Do you know how your wife feels? Do you think its reconcilable? As someone above has said, affairs are not real life, they are a dream world.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[LonelyTiger]

The thought of retiring with my W scares the hell out of me.

 

What are you scared of Snafu?

 

If it's just the loneliness you could be jumping out the frying pan and into the fire!

 

Be very, very sure before you jump ship, or you could regret it.

 

Presumably you and your wife did love each other in the beginning? Have you guys ever made an effort to bring back the love, the romance and the passion you used to share - it is possible.

 

Talk to her about how you're feeling - she may be feeling the same. You think you are 'bad' and she is 'good'! How do you know that she's been 100% faithful to you for 30 years - you haven't been faithful to her and apparently she knows nothing about it!

 

Finding someone to have an affair with is a whole lot easier than finding someone you 'enjoy being with' for the rest of your life.

 

There is a reason for the saying 'better the devil you know'!

[Sinnamon]

snafu, please tell me why you married her in the first place... were you in love then? or did you think it was the right thing to do? do you think that your marriage can be salvaged? i just want some insight on all this.

[Snafu]

I will try to answer all questions with the following details.

We went to MC years ago on her request. W went a few times she didn't like what she was hearing and thought it was a waste of time. I went a few years. That's when I decided to stay in the M as long as children were home. Children have been gone for a couple of years. The R I have with my W is best described as roommates. Sex is more or less non existent. Years ago she said to just ask if I wanted anything. I got tired of asking and stopped a couple of years ago. She was ok with that, it’s just another thing we don’t talk about. Last year I started expressing how unhappy I was with our R and that has led to some recent conversation about the future. She knows that I’m not happy. She wants to work things out. If I said that I was happy she would be fine. It would be as simple as that for her. She has told me many times that I am unromantic and cold. For the most part that is true for us. That is the only side of me she has seen. I know that I can be romantic, sensitive and caring. I have had that with other women. I like that side of me. The times that I tried to show that side to her it did not go well and she was not receptive. I checked out a long time ago.

[Kasan]

I will try to answer all questions with the following details.

We went to MC years ago on her request. W went a few times she didn't like what she was hearing and thought it was a waste of time. I went a few years. That's when I decided to stay in the M as long as children were home. Children have been gone for a couple of years. The R I have with my W is best described as roommates. Sex is more or less non existent. Years ago she said to just ask if I wanted anything. I got tired of asking and stopped a couple of years ago. She was ok with that, it’s just another thing we don’t talk about. Last year I started expressing how unhappy I was with our R and that has led to some recent conversation about the future. She knows that I’m not happy. She wants to work things out. If I said that I was happy she would be fine. It would be as simple as that for her. She has told me many times that I am unromantic and cold. For the most part that is true for us. That is the only side of me she has seen. I know that I can be romantic, sensitive and caring. I have had that with other women. I like that side of me. The times that I tried to show that side to her it did not go well and she was not receptive. I checked out a long time ago.

 

As someone who has been married longer than you, this is incredibly hard for me to read.

 

Thirty years...........

 

You stopped having sex with your wife several years ago.....but have had numerous affairs throughout the marriage.

 

You have admitted to being cold and unromantic to your wife, but can be this way with other women.

 

Personally, I don't see a problem here.........you checked out of your marriage many, many years ago. Your reason to stay in the marriage (your children) is no longer valid.

 

This woman has given you thirty years of her life. Please let her go, so that she can find a man who will give her "what she needs."

 

Edited to add--You admitted to being a lousy husband.....you don't have to continue to be one, you can do whatever it takes to be a better husband, if you desire to save your marriage.

 

That's a decision you have to make as I don't think your fence sitting is working too well for you anymore.

[stuckinoz]

Marriages for the most part are far from perfect. But as I read your posts it does seem to me like you have totally checked out of this marriage. What is it you're holding on for...or to?

 

I could say I feel sorry for your wife, but she is either content with things the way they are, is secretly posting here as well, or is totally miserable & like a lot of husbands, she can't talk to you.

[delirious]

We are with people for how much we feel about them, but mostly how they make us feel about ourselves is more important too.

[Snafu]

Marriages for the most part are far from perfect. But as I read your posts it does seem to me like you have totally checked out of this marriage. What is it you're holding on for...or to?

 

I could say I feel sorry for your wife, but she is either content with things the way they are, is secretly posting here as well, or is totally miserable & like a lot of husbands, she can't talk to you.

 

What am I holding on for?

As I stated in the original post.

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave.

 

 

My W is content with things being as they have been for years. I have provided a nice home and comfortable lifestyle. When we talk of changing, her focus is always on loosing things, not me.

[stuckinoz]

If she's content & you can't leave for fear of seeming selfish~~Then perhaps you should find a way to be content as well. Maybe take a mistress. (Instead of just jumping ship for someone you hardly know at this stage in their & your life) That might perk up your mood of the day & maybe make it easier to come home in the evenings.

You're mentally & emotionally checked out anyway. So what difference would it make? - OR maybe you can do like lots of other couples do here in 2009 ~ Be separated but live under the same roof for financial & STUFF reasons. It works for some. Might be worth a shot.

 

I do understand the devistation on finances even for a short term separation. It's not fun clawing back.

[kuma]

The happiest time of my marriage, I was seeing a married woman for over 12 years.

 

My mom's affair lasted over 10 years. She divorced my dad and married her affair partner. The marriage lasted only 8 months.

 

 

 

I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with.

 

Maybe. How about finding a nice man for your wife first. Just kidding!

 

 

 

My W is a good person. I am not.

 

I don't think you're a bad person. But I think you're an extremely selfsh person.

 

 

 

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave, but I don’t want to stay.

 

Are you going to tell your wife the truth about yourself? Just wondering.

[amerikajin]

First post so I will try to keep it short and to the point.

Married right out of high school and have been married for over 30 years.

Have 2 grown children. I would not leave the M while they were home.

Now they are gone and I am lonely.

The thought of retiring with my W scares the hell out of me.

I was never caught in an affair, though there were many.

The happiest time of my marriage, I was seeing a married woman for over 12 years.

I talk to no one about the things I do.

I always told the OW that I would not leave my marriage. I did not lie to them.

I now think that I should end the marriage and find someone I enjoy being with.

My W is a good person. I am not.

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave, but I don’t want to stay. Only I know what a lousy husband I have been.

Good or bad, your comments are welcome.

 

We can comment all we like, but as you've seen you're going to get a range of comments. People who comment are naturally going to inject their own personal ethical perspectives and experiences, so you have to take the comments for what they're worth. There are consequences for staying in the marriage - some good, some not so good. There are consequences for leaving, too -- some good, and some not so good. Of all the posters here, you're the one who is best able to know what is likely to unfold after the divorce proceeds.

 

I don't necessarily buy into this notion that a person should automatically leave a marriage if they have cheated on their companion or otherwise don't have the same feelings they once did. Sure, in a lot of cases, divorce is not a bad solution, but I think it's simplistic to assume that divorce, even in this situation, doesn't have potentially adverse consequences which warrant consideration. Maybe there's a way around those consequences, too. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows...

 

Good luck.

[Snafu]

My W is a good person. I am not.

 

I don't think you're a bad person. But I think you're an extremely selfsh person.

 

Are you going to tell your wife the truth about yourself?

 

 

I don't understand your comment, "extremely selfsh"

 

 

 

Am I going to tell? No

[amerikajin]

I don't understand your comment, "extremely selfsh"

 

 

 

Am I going to tell? No

 

I don't think you're necessarily obligated to tell her your secrets, particularly at this point.

 

But I do think you're obligated to sit down, and to think long and hard about the consequences of your decision. Consider how it affects yourself and how it affects others. I would not date anyone else until you've done that.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is selfish for you to continue and to hurt her even more with this mess.

I agree. Snafu, you can't change the past but you can take responsibility for the present. Make a decision today - commit or leave. You're all grown-ups, kids included, and there is life post divorce for everyone involved. Quit wasting the time left you and your wife have...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

What am I holding on for?

As I stated in the original post.

Leaving will cause so much pain for everyone. I sometimes think that it would be selfish of me to leave.

 

 

My W is content with things being as they have been for years. I have provided a nice home and comfortable lifestyle. When we talk of changing, her focus is always on loosing things, not me.

 

I don't understand your comment, "extremely selfsh"

 

 

 

Am I going to tell? No

 

of course you're not going to tell - that would involve you being an honorable man that wants the best for his wife. that would involve her actually knowing what was harmful to the marriage all these years. that would involve her having a complete understanding of all the things through the years that never seemed to make sense - the things that you kept from her "to protect her." that would be too much to give HER that peace of mind. she actually deserves that - but you won't tell. THIS is exactly why the marriage has always suffered. your unwillingness to be honest with her about all the things you're hiding - that is why it's not even close to an average marriage. it is an extremely selfish approach.

 

it's not selfish of you to leave - given the circumstances it's selfish of you to stay and continue living a lie and cheating your wife out of a relationship that involves the depth of honesty and commitment.

 

this marriage has been a farce - because you are both unwilling to admit that it isn't a marriage based on the primary principles of decency. you both just go on as if this should be normal and healthy, it's not - or you wouldn't have gone looking for other women to fill your ego full of everything you didn't get from your wife.

 

to leave would at least be a start to an admission that this isn't a healthy twosome.

 

this would at least be a start at a healthy and happy life for both of you. you can get busy living or you can get busy dying, which will you choose for you and your wife that you say you have loved?

 

you could each move on and find happiness with someone else. then it wouldn't look selfish when your wife finds a good, caring, respectful man with integrity and honesty to love and cherish her with honor for the rest of her living days.

 

that is where the UNselfish part comes into play.

 

to stay and rob her of that opportunity to experience true love is selfish - so just leave.

 

and i do say that with the utmost respect for your happy future.

[confusedinkansas]

of course you're not going to tell - that would involve you being an honorable man

 

I'm real curious here on this point. Why is it that there are so many people here that are hell bent on the idea that TELLING YOUR SPOUSE IS "Doing the right thing"....We all lie - we do it every day. In one form or another. IT HAPPENS! And, everytime we lie - we do not "come clean" with what we have lied about. I am not an advocate for lying your way thru life, but it does happen.

 

What good would come from telling? I have read several posts here & there in LS where the person that was cheated on says "I wish I didn't know - I wouldn't have this pain." So, see, IF nothing good will come from it & you're willing to change & concentrate on the HOME LIFE...then do that! And, Don't Tell.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, see, IF nothing good will come from it & you're willing to change & concentrate on the HOME LIFE...then do that! And, Don't Tell.

Your missing the point - that decision to work on the marriage is, armed with the facts, also the spouse's decision to make. There are two people in the marriage...

 

Mr. lucky

[kuma]

I don't understand your comment, "extremely selfsh"

 

 

Am I going to tell? No

 

Sorry for the typo mistake: selfish

 

And whatever you choose to do, good luck.

[Snafu]

If she's content & you can't leave for fear of seeming selfish~~Then perhaps you should find a way to be content as well. Maybe take a mistress.

 

Taking a mistress is the way I have delt with things in the past. I don't want to continue living that life. I want something better for my W and I, be it together or apart.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Your wife will always be a reminder of "what a bad husband you have been". Starting clean would give both of you a fresh start. I wouldn't be so sure that your wife's reasons for staying are much different than your own.

 

I assume your attempt to be more receptive wasn't accepted because it didn't seem real. Seems like she's comfortable with the lifestyle ( living as roommates) because she has lived it and is accustomed to it, while you had some other things to bring you personal happiness.

 

May I ask what ended the 12 year affair?

[ashleyjj]

Taking a mistress is the way I have delt with things in the past. I don't want to continue living that life. I want something better for my W and I, be it together or apart.

 

You've already made up your mind to leave, you're just here fishing for support. You do not really want something better for your wife (what if your wife thinks she has the best now???) but you definitely want something better for yourself. Please be truthful to yourself.

 

If you want to be a bad husband, as what you have admitted youself to be, just divorce and take the blame. People here might be tactful but nothing will take away the fact that you want to leave your wife of 30 years behind, simple as that.