Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 And people wonder why they end up staying single so long. RS, I think your expectations are a tad higher. I mean, I know you want a white collar type of guy that you could relate to on an intellectual level, but this neighbor of yours, you're talking to him in deep conversation. Sometimes until 6am. There's a connection there that I think you're denying due to him not being "white collar." I say "So what?!" Love doesn't base people on the size of their body, status in society or their bank account. Love bases people equally on the size of their heart. I say give this guy a chance. It's better to try and fail than to not try at all. Cheers. I too would have offered this advice, except, RS has said the guy seems a little "jaded" in spirit, as well as prone to occasional immature behavior (heavy partying, etc). It's not just that they are very different, there may be more to the story.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Perfect. Trust me, guys dont get subtle hints, because we dont want to. We want to push over obstacles, and like a little challenge. You should make it pretty clear that youre not interested in dating him. Doing the whole 'I just dont want to date, but oh - heres me dating' crap is so annoying, and not original at all. Were not stupid, and that would just piss me off. If you want him to consider you a good friend and be a good neighbor, just be honest. I agree the hole I'm not looking to date any one crap is lame and can make you wonder whats wrong with you! Lets be honest no one has the goal of growing old alone! Just be truthful and say your a nice guy but I'm not attracted to you in that way id like to be friends simple..
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I am working toward many great things, and he is winding down from what he views as the peak of his life. Different places. He has basically given up on himself. I have only just begun. Maybe he just needs some one to care again and he would snap out of it? You are coming off as a bit snobbish I'm sorry now that I really look Thu your posts here more. So hes a great sweet guy who your super attracted to BUT! he doesn't fit into your lifestyle? is that right? hes a man not a new pet or a car/couch exct rs lol.. Opposites attract and often for a good reason to expand the gene pool for christ sake go for it what do you have to lose?
kizik Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Since you have stated all you want is sex from homeboy, you are in no position to be judging his lifestyle. This is hypocritical and quite holier-than-thou. You're keeping him around for an ego-stroke. On the same token, he is equally implicit in continuing this pointless, non-ejaculatory charade.
carhill Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Don't fret. Women have been doing this forever. Calm yourself I've been mind-f*cked by the best and our OP is pretty genuine, IMO. I don't see anything wrong about her judgment of his lifestyle; I've been judged similarly throughout my life. Like him (I'll bet) I like who I am and such judgments are essentially irrelevant. Here's the thing. She knows if she has sex with him, emotional entanglements are going to take place and her emotions and sexual attraction will drive her decisions rather than her intellect. Right now, she's on the brink of stopping thinking and starting feeling. She's stopping herself while she's thinking. Fair enough. I wish more women had that presence of mind. He's a masterful romantic, I'll give him that
Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Since you have stated all you want is sex from homeboy, you are in no position to be judging his lifestyle. This is hypocritical and quite holier-than-thou. You're keeping him around for an ego-stroke. On the same token, he is equally implicit in continuing this pointless, non-ejaculatory charade. Kizik, you've been very harsh with RS. I think we've all given viable suggestions. Without personally knowing this guy, it's impossible to gauge whether he's just in a funk or dealing with deeper issues-- and for that matter, whether they're compatible is something only RS can decide.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Don't fret. Women have been doing this forever. Calm yourself I've been mind-f*cked by the best and our OP is pretty genuine, IMO. I don't see anything wrong about her judgment of his lifestyle; I've been judged similarly throughout my life. Like him (I'll bet) I like who I am and such judgments are essentially irrelevant. Here's the thing. She knows if she has sex with him, emotional entanglements are going to take place and her emotions and sexual attraction will drive her decisions rather than her intellect. Right now, she's on the brink of stopping thinking and starting feeling. She's stopping herself while she's thinking. Fair enough. I wish more women had that presence of mind. He's a masterful romantic, I'll give him that Well since you put it like that carhill this thread is suddenly more interesting then even the CI channel and its serial killer Sunday repeats tonight! common RS we want a update?
kizik Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Kizik, you've been very harsh with RS. No, I haven't. I've advised her to sh*t or get off the pot, essentially, as well as attempting to get her to see the reality of her elitist attitude towards homeboy.
Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 No, I haven't. I've advised her to sh*t or get off the pot, essentially, as well as attempting to get her to see the reality of her elitist attitude towards homeboy. Would you rather she led this guy on by taking it even further? I'm not going to judge RS for her preferences. She said he seemed to lack certain personality qualities, that have nothing to do with his job or how much money he has.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 No, I haven't. I've advised her to sh*t or get off the pot, essentially, as well as attempting to get her to see the reality of her elitist attitude towards homeboy. Homie don't play dat! Hey man you stole my **** on the pot quote whats that all about? I want my royalties please... disagree I don't think he was over the top rude she is coming off as a little up her self id rather people be honest if it was me.
Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I like that LS encourages posters to be openminded, because all too often people aren't, when it comes to dating; but I don't think it's fair or more to the point, constructive, to judge posters. Since we all have different life experiences, we all see these dilemmas differently, and assuredly, it's not always as black and white as looking down on someone because of "class" differences. Without being a mind reader, I think RS is just conflicted, plain and simple. Since RS and this guy seem to enjoy taking things as they come, maybe something will develop, maybe not.
CaliGuy Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I too would have offered this advice, except, RS has said the guy seems a little "jaded" in spirit, as well as prone to occasional immature behavior (heavy partying, etc). It's not just that they are very different, there may be more to the story. I said he wasn't perfect and I didn't say she should settle, however, they seem to get along very well and see eye to eye on many things. Plus, they can talk forever and not tire of each other. They enjoy being around each other. I think she should explore the possibility and not necessarily slam the door shut.
Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I said he wasn't perfect and I didn't say she should settle, however, they seem to get along very well and see eye to eye on many things. Plus, they can talk forever and not tire of each other. They enjoy being around each other. I think she should explore the possibility and not necessarily slam the door shut. Agreed. 100%.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Well, y'all can quit riding my ass (really, though, I do appreciate the blunt honesty -- be real with me -- I can take it), because he gave me the verbal smackdown tonight in a big way. And I deserved every word of it. He got mad, but respectfully so. Totally snapped me out of my stupid behavior. In short, he said, "Cut the bull****. Get in or get out. I want you here, but if you want to go, you're free to go. Just don't play with me. And don't you even think about becoming a manipulator. Don't you go to the dark side." At least where men are concerned, trying to stick to the light side and give them my trust and the benefit of the doubt hasn't gotten me very far. In fact, I feel like it's gotten me royally ****ed. And even a hint of the dark side, if this is what that is, makes me feel like my heart's on a numbing drip. What's the right way?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 I mean, I know you want a white collar type of guy that you could relate to on an intellectual level, but this neighbor of yours, you're talking to him in deep conversation. Sometimes until 6am. There's a connection there that I think you're denying due to him not being "white collar." It's not about white vs. blue collar. I LOVE that he has helped build this city with his bare hands, and continues to do so. I see much more honor in his work than most white collar work, trust me. It's more his partier mentality. He has a background of a lot of drug use, and he's a pretty big pothead and drinker. People with those kinds of habits don't really change. You cannot change anyone. You have to ACCEPT HIM as he is, or move on. His lifestyle as it is now? I couldn't accept that. Trying to would break my heart every day. My mom is a (now recovered) alcoholic, and I lived through all that as a kid. Yes, I'm aware this is almost certainly part of the draw here -- systems theory, me trying to recreate the conditions of childhood and make them OK now. That and my stupid save the world streak, which I thought I had outgrown. The childishness and arrogance of that! It's better to try and fail than to not try at all. I have believed and lived that my whole life, and I've gotten burned every time in love for my blind naivete, so now these just sound like words of the inexperienced. (No offense.) I'm 33. I have finally figured out that I do want a family. It's the prudent thing to do to have the baby-making behind me by 40. I can't waste time on a relationship that is most likely doomed to fail from the very start. I can't do that anymore. I'm supposed to be smarter now, tougher now.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 Right now, she's on the brink of stopping thinking and starting feeling. She's stopping herself while she's thinking. Fair enough. I wish more women had that presence of mind. Thank you!! Whatever y'all may believe about me, I really am trying to do the right thing here. I really did think we could just "keep it light". I was trying to find some kind of mutually enjoyable outlet for the feelings and connection. I know now that was ridiculous, but I'm only human. Hormones can sway you to all KINDS of stupid ideas, and I am far from stoic. Even when men have begged me to manipulate them, I have pulled back from that because it feels wrong. This guy has on a few occasions offered little favors, dinner, whatever, and I always said no because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression and take advantage of him. But I am a sensual person who loves sex, I haven't had sex in a year, and I am attracted to him, so I gave in to those feelings to a certain degree. I fought them for a LONG time. But eventually they got the best of me. It was stupid! I'm human!
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 He's a masterful romantic, I'll give him that Yeah, I think he's probably better at manipulation than I've ever been. Your advice was ringing in my mind when at the end of that speech in which he advised me not to go the dark side, he said, "You're too beautiful and good a woman for that." Maybe he means it, but maybe it was a smooth line. Thanks for helping me to consider both possibilities.
CaliGuy Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 It's not about white vs. blue collar. I LOVE that he has helped build this city with his bare hands, and continues to do so. I see much more honor in his work than most white collar work, trust me. It's more his partier mentality. He has a background of a lot of drug use, and he's a pretty big pothead and drinker. People with those kinds of habits don't really change. You cannot change anyone. You have to ACCEPT HIM as he is, or move on. His lifestyle as it is now? I couldn't accept that. Trying to would break my heart every day. My mom is a (now recovered) alcoholic, and I lived through all that as a kid. Yes, I'm aware this is almost certainly part of the draw here -- systems theory, me trying to recreate the conditions of childhood and make them OK now. That and my stupid save the world streak, which I thought I had outgrown. The childishness and arrogance of that! I have believed and lived that my whole life, and I've gotten burned every time in love for my blind naivete, so now these just sound like words of the inexperienced. (No offense.) I'm 33. I have finally figured out that I do want a family. It's the prudent thing to do to have the baby-making behind me by 40. I can't waste time on a relationship that is most likely doomed to fail from the very start. I can't do that anymore. I'm supposed to be smarter now, tougher now. Well be that as it may, you keep pushing and pulling with him and rightly so, he's finally told you to sink or swim. You really need to stop making out with him and stop thinking about sex with him if you really don't see the relationship going anywhere. And incidentally, I am 40 and have lived through more than you can imagine -- yet I don't let it stop me from living life to the fullest -- and continuing to take chances. To truly know love, you must be willing to risk your heart. Otherwise your relationships will never reach their potential. Cheers.
boldjack Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 I think that "light side", or "dark side", is way too simplistic. All relationships are about the compromise of feelings with ambitions. In most of your posts, you have described his lack of ambition as a major drawback, along with his perceived intellectual inferiority. What does this say about him, but more importantly, what does it say about you? Are you being too shallow? IDK. Are you allowing your own personal ambitions prevent you from entering into,what could be a rich and fulfilling partnership. I do not understand why people can't compartmentize better. Does he have to have your goals and ambitions/ Do you have to have his? How about you two coming together, relationshipwise, and pursuing independent courses, careerwise.? Support each other, be the foundation of each others lives, but allow each other to have their own goals. Just sayin.
Island Girl Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 When I met my Husbear I didn't think we would be still seeing each other even weeks later. Without even going down a checklist there were what seemed to be obvious reasons why we would never be compatible long term. I know now that he had the same idea about me. We were just having fun. And then we got stuck. We could talk endlessly about nothing and everything. We enjoyed whatever we decided to do and each of us ended up doing new things with the other that we found out we loved. Friends on each side really enjoyed us as a couple. When it came to sex we were off the friggin' charts (still are). Literally mind blowing. Sometimes I can't form sentences for a while afterward. It was easy to work through everyday issues. And we got deeper and deeper. It is still that way eight plus years later. There are major differences between us. But those things do not matter to us as a couple. I have all of his support no matter what I do even if he doesn't understand WHY I am doing it. And vice versa. We completely love each other. We love who that other person is inside. I have never regretted getting involved with him. I am always thankful I was willing to just have fun and went where it took me. I wish everyone had what I have with him. And I know full well if I had passed him up and kept up the checklist I may have found a man who fit - but the kind of chemistry and other things that my husbear brings to the table would not exist in my life today. In the end it will be the two of us growing old together. Sitting on the front porch listening to music, possibly smokin' a bowl with a couple of drinks, and talking/laughing the night away. I know we'll enjoy every single minute of it. Love finds YOU - you don't find it. And it happens in the least likely of places. Take a risk and you really just might find not only magic but the happiness you never even thought possible.
Isolde Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Whatever y'all may believe about me, I really am trying to do the right thing here. I really did think we could just "keep it light". I was trying to find some kind of mutually enjoyable outlet for the feelings and connection. This is what I sensed, and that's why I thought other posters were being harsh. Now that everything's sort of out in the open, I'm sure things will be resolved fairly, RS. If faced with this situation, who WOULDN'T make some missteps? It's incredibly conflicting.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 I do not understand why people can't compartmentize better. Does he have to have your goals and ambitions/ Do you have to have his? How about you two coming together, relationshipwise, and pursuing independent courses, careerwise.? Support each other, be the foundation of each others lives, but allow each other to have their own goals. Just sayin. I want a family, and I want to lead that family with a strong, capable partner who is my equal and who can contribute every bit as much as I do. I don't want to waste my energy pulling dead weight. This guy has shown me in many different ways that he tends to be lazy and let other people pick up his slack. That is a huge turn-off for me. Huge! When times are tough, that's the kind of guy who will sit on his ass and do nothing but complain. I'm all about relaxation and enjoyment, but you also have to be able to get **** done. I get **** done. Because of his drug and alcohol (and, did I mention, nicotine?) use and attitude, he seems to do well just to keep himself afloat. All the feel-good stories are sweet, but my instincts are telling me something serious with this guy is a bad idea. I told him last night that I'm not going to call him or come over anymore, because essentially, he said if I'm not interested, just leave him alone. He did some push and pull after he said that, but I am just going to have to buckle down and be the strong one, apparently. I met a guy while I was out running errands today, and he asked me out and I gave him my number. He's young and had a mild player vibe -- but I think the universe is trying to tell there are plenty of sexy guys out there I can just have fun with if that's what I want, guys who are NOT my neighbor.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 12, 2009 Author Posted September 12, 2009 This is what I sensed, and that's why I thought other posters were being harsh. Now that everything's sort of out in the open, I'm sure things will be resolved fairly, RS. If faced with this situation, who WOULDN'T make some missteps? It's incredibly conflicting. I appreciate your understanding, sweetheart.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 When it came to sex we were off the friggin' charts (still are). Literally mind blowing. Sometimes I can't form sentences for a while afterward. . Dam I'll have what shes having please! You say hes lazy but he has his own house and works every day no? hey I'm not trying to judge you only you can decide whats best for you in the end.. Would he change tho if he had some one to care about him you think? I just think there is no perfect partners out there every one has their flaws drug use would be a biggie for me too tho I don't blame you on that one.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2009 Author Posted September 13, 2009 OK, this might be over the top because I am now high, but, I think, huge mistake, and I am really freaked out right now. I smoked a joint with him on his porch tonight, and either it was laced with something or I am freaking out because he is acting like I am his woman now and being all possessive and scary. He was asking all these questions about where I'm going tonight, and who with, and I was oblivious and told him. Then I realized what was going on -- he was being possessive and jealous. And I said, "You're not going to go there or something, are you?" And he said, "That's what you think of me?! That's what you think of me?!" And it hit me that I REALLY CAN'T HAVE ANYMORE CONTACT WITH THIS GUY. I also fear that I have put myself in harm's way. This is kind of a sketchier neighborhood, and I am beginning to wonder if he and front neighbor aren't trying to take advantage of me, slip me something, whatever. There's that damned person-with-alcoholic-parent thing, where I comingle love and caretaking, and he gloms right onto me as fast and tight as he can. I have called all of my call-anytime friends, and no one is answering. Maybe I'll call my mom. She doesn't even know I smoke weed.
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