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Flirtatious Neighbor


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Posted

Ok, big girl, do what you want. But if you think that you are going to be in control, after sex, guess again. Good Luck......and I mean that.:D:D

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Posted

IG: Yuuuummmmmmm.

Posted

Oh RS -- I say enjoy away! What is the worst that could happen? Really?

 

It doesn't sound like he is die hard to have a relationship either. It sounds like both of you want something easy and fun without even a mission of walking down the isle.

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Posted

IG, I think the problem is that he has made it pretty clear he does want a relationship. He's told me he loves me, he's in love with me, and I'm perfect for him. He has ruminated fondly on getting a house together in the countryside and raising a slew of bambinos. He tells his friends about me and the songs I write and is planning all the different phases of the dates he wants to take me on. He even started writing me a poem! And it's not bad. :)

 

So, I do think it's safe to say he's at least a little smitten. I have to admit I have a bit of a crush on him, too, but I won't allow myself to give in to it fully because I know he's not a truly suitable partner for me. This is why we need to have a talk about expectations.

 

And I myself am doubtful that sex only could work, just because I know that we are both feelers, big softies, and total romantics.

Posted
IG, I think the problem is that he has made it pretty clear he does want a relationship. He's told me he loves me, he's in love with me, and I'm perfect for him. He has ruminated fondly on getting a house together in the countryside and raising a slew of bambinos. He tells his friends about me and the songs I write and is planning all the different phases of the dates he wants to take me on. He even started writing me a poem! And it's not bad. :)

 

So, I do think it's safe to say he's at least a little smitten. I have to admit I have a bit of a crush on him, too, but I won't allow myself to give in to it fully because I know he's not a truly suitable partner for me. This is why we need to have a talk about expectations.

 

And I myself am doubtful that sex only could work, just because I know that we are both feelers, big softies, and total romantics.

 

There were a couple of items on my "required" list that my husband didn't have listed in his qualifications.

 

I thought he'd be fun to play with for a couple of weeks and then he'd so obviously be fired.

He thought that possibility may exist for me too although he was more "smitten".

 

We went with it and got "stuck". Here it is 8 years later and we are truly perfect for each other.

In the end he brings things to the table that I crave and need -- things I never would have been able to acknowledge because they were never tapped into.

 

I am an incurable romantic and I now am a firm believer in love finds YOU - you don't find IT.

 

That said -- with all that chemistry (out of this world once in a lifetime stuff) and the way you talk about how the two of you are together - the ease, the enjoyment of the simplest things...I would have a hard time turning my back on what could make me truly happy.

I could give a crap what anyone may think about him -- I am the one that has to spend the majority of my time with someone and I want that person to rev my engines and be a GREAT companion that I have FUN with all the time.

 

But that's just me. ;);):p

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Posted
Chaser alert :)

You mean he's in it for the thrill of the chase, and once he catches me he'll lose interest? I am not taking his big talk seriously, so I'm not that concerned about being let down. The only reason I mention it is to explain why I want to be clear with him about my intentions, which are for something not serious only.

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Posted

IG, that's a great story, and I'm really happy it's worked out so well for you!

 

But this guy is lacking a couple of my must haves (and he has one or two of my must not haves) that are simply NOT flexible. I have tried to bend on some of these in the past, and it never satisfies me and ends up being a waste of time, really. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person. But I am, as you can see, reconsidering the possibility of something for fun only.

Posted

Ruby, I really wish I could say more to warn you about what is going to happen. This is going to be a train wreck. Take a minute and think about how much turmoil you are in NOW, and you haven't even slept with him yet. I know, you and him will sit down and rationally discuss both of your wants and needs, etc. etc. etc. Once you have sex, all of that discussion will fly out the window. The turmoil will be 1,000 times greater, and you will have a man, who will have a MAJOR part in your life decisions, from then on. Is a few rounds of slap and tickle worth all that? This is NOT a casual affair, you are neighbors, you hang together, you flirt, you make out, you are more than passing ships. It is your call to make, but please be aware of what might follow. I hate being "the fly in the ointment", I wish that it would be a fun, casual, fling. But from all of your posts, I don't think that will happen.

Posted
You mean he's in it for the thrill of the chase, and once he catches me he'll lose interest? I am not taking his big talk seriously, so I'm not that concerned about being let down. The only reason I mention it is to explain why I want to be clear with him about my intentions, which are for something not serious only.

The quote below says it all...

 

He's told me he loves me, he's in love with me, and I'm perfect for him. He has ruminated fondly on getting a house together in the countryside and raising a slew of bambinos. He tells his friends about me and the songs I write and is planning all the different phases of the dates he wants to take me on. He even started writing me a poem! And it's not bad.

 

Now, if you can compartmentalize how those words affect you, especially subsequent to sex, I bow to you. I will opine chaser and commitment-phobe. If that works for you and you can remain superficial (not involving your emotions), bonus :)

Posted
IG, that's a great story, and I'm really happy it's worked out so well for you!

 

But this guy is lacking a couple of my must haves (and he has one or two of my must not haves) that are simply NOT flexible. I have tried to bend on some of these in the past, and it never satisfies me and ends up being a waste of time, really. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person. But I am, as you can see, reconsidering the possibility of something for fun only.

 

 

 

Okay, so...your list of standards only applies to relationships, and not to sexual partners? I'm not trying to be cruel, but I would rather think that one would have higher standards for those that they are planning on sleeping with.

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Posted

Hey, y'all, I appreciate the bluntness. Give it to me straight. I can be very naive about men.

 

wm, yeah, my standards are much higher for relationship prospects than sexual prospects. I have only had casual sex a few times (not really my thing), but if I'm just going to have sex with someone, things like worldview, interests, and the big compatibility stuff are not nearly as important. For sex, all that matters is that there's attraction, passion, sexual skill, no diseases, and no weird manipulation or psychological strangeness. In the same way, I can go out dancing with a girlfriend I have a more superficial connection with, but I'd only take a road trip with a real friend.

 

carhill, I think his words are sweet, but I have no illusions about the fact that he could say similar ones to many in my stead. He hasn't been in love in a while and is dreaming. I think his proclamations are cute and sweet, but they mean nothing to me. For them to resonate, we'd have to be closely bonded and his actions would have to back them up reliably. I do accept that we genuinely have a friendly kind of love, and that comes through in his protective behavior, which I have welcomed. And from me, it comes through in encouraging, nurturing behavior toward him, which he welcomes. I am pretty sure that no matter where life takes us, we won't forget each other and we'll always look back fondly on our time together. :)

 

Maybe this is all self-sabotage. Maybe it's fun exploration of the dynamics between me and an interesting character who appeared in my life.

 

In any case, the next time we hang out, I am going to have a serious talk with him and make sure we are both clear on where we stand.

Posted

Just f**k him already for Christ's sake and get it over with. I'm getting blue ballz over here.

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Posted
:lmao: I'll do my best, kiz. I shall do my best. ;)
Posted

I almost wonder...maybe you should go out with him a few times, away from the environment you two are used to. Not necessarily have sex.

 

If nothing else, you'll both be confirmed in your suspicions you're not compatible for long term. And it would still be fun no matter what.

 

He's a grown up and knows you don't owe him anything and most likely that it won't work out.

 

What do you think?

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Posted

Isolde, I think that's a wonderful idea, but I don't know.

 

He came over this evening, we kissed a little, and then I took a deep breath, put a little space between us, and said we needed to talk. The words every man loves to hear, right?

 

I told him I am pretty sure we don't have long-term potential, but I am very attracted to him, feel a powerful connection on the soul level, and found it hard to fight the magnetism that drew us toward each other. I explained that I wanted to try his early idea of having something physical only, but the more intense and sensual our physical connection becomes, the less certain I am that I can handle that kind of situation.

 

We talked everything over for a while. I apologized for not maintaining the boundary consistently. I commented that it really sucks that this is the woman's role!! Why do we have to be the sensible ones? I understand why biologically, but it does get exhausting sometimes.

 

I asked him if he was mad at me, and he said absolutely not. He did some sour grapes talk (like "I probably couldn't keep up with you sexually, anyway"), then said he ought to get going. I asked him how we could make this work, this just being friends thing. He said, "I don't know. But I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with."

 

Then he asked me if I wanted to go bowling sometime. :lmao:

 

*shakes fist at world*

Posted

Could one of you move? The only way a superficial/ physical relationship would work, would be if you are not in close contact, at any time, unless for sex. I've maintained many sexual relationships, but they were always with women, who lived far enough away that we didn't see each other very often.

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Posted

Nah, we both love it here. We live in HOUSES in the city, right next door to each other -- connected by a utility hallway, in fact, and he's got this huge yard and I have a small one. Very unusual (for the city), and an enjoyable setup. This is important for both of us because we don't like to be stacked up on top of and around people like sardines. I make music late at night, and I need the freedom to do that without bugging the neighbors. Neither of us will be here forever, but probably for a while.

 

I'm a little worried that he's going to keep trying. His responses to my apologies and explanations were something like, "Don't worry about it, Ruby. Let's just see what happens." And as long as I'm single, it's very hard for me to maintain a rigid no-flirting boundary. We see how successful I have been at that so far. :o

 

I probably need to get out there and start flirting and meeting people again, but even thinking about that right now kind of exhausts me.

Posted

Uh, you're being a tease.

 

Making out with a guy, night after night, but refusing to have sex with him, is being a tease.

 

On the other hand, this guy is a dope for not bailing on you.

 

You should f*ck him or cut him off.

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Posted

If I'm being a tease, then so is he. He knows it would be a struggle for him to "get serious" with someone, and I have made clear that I ultimately want something serious, yet he continues to flirt with me, even when I ask him very clearly not to and do everything I can to keep it friendly only. Why is it solely MY responsibility to keep it platonic? He knows that if he works on me hard enough, he can eventually weaken my defenses, so he keeps trying to push it. This is not one-sided.

 

I don't think either of us has bad intentions. We're all chemicals, energy. You put his chemicals next to mine, and they are magnetized and we both have to fight the attraction. I have been fighting it for months, most of the time successfully.

 

It's an ongoing power struggle, and I think we're both enjoying it. We're both single. We're not hurting anyone. The other night, he even said, "You're teasing me, babe. But you know, I love it." He also told me last night that everything he had been thinking about slowly becoming real was freaking him out a little, too, because he didn't know if he could handle it. I could sense his trepidation as easily as he could sense mine.

Posted

Ride the drama wave until the next serious guy shows up. Also, makes it easier to blow off other guys by saying you're 'seeing' someone, even if it is only across the patio ;)

Posted

And people wonder why they end up staying single so long. RS, I think your expectations are a tad higher. I mean, I know you want a white collar type of guy that you could relate to on an intellectual level, but this neighbor of yours, you're talking to him in deep conversation. Sometimes until 6am. There's a connection there that I think you're denying due to him not being "white collar."

 

I say "So what?!" Love doesn't base people on the size of their body, status in society or their bank account.

 

Love bases people equally on the size of their heart. I say give this guy a chance. It's better to try and fail than to not try at all.

 

Cheers.

Posted

Agree with CaliGuy. RS, you do come off as a bit snobbish in this thread.

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