Trippy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now & we have a good relationship but one thing started bothering me about a month ago & it keeps getting in the way of us, we are fighting all the time now, I obsess over his Ex or whateva you call her, this girl he was seeing before he met me 6+ years ago. I dont know why I do this to myself but I think about them together, he explained the situation that he was young then & just wanted someone that was "easy", which this girl was so he had sex with her, then she got kicked outta her house so he let her move in with him but i asked why & he replies cause he felt bad for her? he claims they werent in a "relationship" just a sexual buddy i guess? he says she was not pretty & she was fat, he just wanted someone that was easy & someone to have sex with so he took it cause it was there, she lived with him for only about a month but in that month she got pregnant, not sure if it was his & not wanting her to be his babys mother he made her get an abortion, so she did & that was that she moved out a month later & it was all done with! so in total they were together for 2 months. but the thing that I over analyze is why if she was just a "sex buddy" would he let her move in & stuff? it really bothers me, which I know it shouldnt! I am jealous over this girl & dont know why??? he has been the best boyfriend ever! he has never cheated on me, never talked to his ex's or anything but I sit & dwell on this girl for some reason & analyze everything he ever told me about her or what happened between them. its like i analyze it to find a lie? Help guys! not sure why im so insecure? not sure what to do to STOP these thoughts & feelings, they drive me nuts
scootncash Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now & we have a good relationship but one thing started bothering me about a month ago & it keeps getting in the way of us, we are fighting all the time now, I obsess over his Ex or whateva you call her, this girl he was seeing before he met me 6+ years ago. I dont know why I do this to myself but I think about them together, he explained the situation that he was young then & just wanted someone that was "easy", which this girl was so he had sex with her, then she got kicked outta her house so he let her move in with him but i asked why & he replies cause he felt bad for her? he claims they werent in a "relationship" just a sexual buddy i guess? he says she was not pretty & she was fat, he just wanted someone that was easy & someone to have sex with so he took it cause it was there, she lived with him for only about a month but in that month she got pregnant, not sure if it was his & not wanting her to be his babys mother he made her get an abortion, so she did & that was that she moved out a month later & it was all done with! so in total they were together for 2 months. but the thing that I over analyze is why if she was just a "sex buddy" would he let her move in & stuff? it really bothers me, which I know it shouldnt! I am jealous over this girl & dont know why??? he has been the best boyfriend ever! he has never cheated on me, never talked to his ex's or anything but I sit & dwell on this girl for some reason & analyze everything he ever told me about her or what happened between them. its like i analyze it to find a lie? Help guys! not sure why im so insecure? not sure what to do to STOP these thoughts & feelings, they drive me nuts You've already said that he told you why he did what he did and you went further to say he was a great boyfriend, never cheats, never lies, etc. The point is that if you continue to analyize this and bring it up it will provide only one thing for you. Your boyfriend will leave. You will drive him away by continuing with this behavior. You have to ask yourself why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is so insecure and cant leave the past alone. The past is exactly what it is, in the past. He didnt know you then, he didnt date you then. He was honest enough to tell you the truth -not a relationship but fwb. If someone opens up that honestly and trusts you enough to inform you with that information and then you punish him for it he will probably never be that open with you again. He trusted you enough to tell you something that he more than likely was not very proud of. He took a risk that you wouldnt judge him an accept something he had done without loosing it. Instead of creating a safe environment for him to be honest and open you created a place he doesnt want to go to any longer. You should love a person for who they are and not what you'd like them to be. He is what he is and he trusted you to tell you the truth. Now you've taken that truth and created a monster. Thats not a building block for the foundation of love. Instead you should be grateful that he was honest enough and cared enough about you to tell you something like that. You need to let the past be where it belongs. He's not bringing it to the relationship. You are and as long as you do this relationship may never grow to where it needs to be. You need to look at the facts in front of you. He has chosen you. He left that relationship, whatever kind it was, behind. He isnt with her, he isnt contacting her. He isnt interested in a relationship with her, he is interested in a relationship with you. Everyone for the most part has been in some type of relationship before they chose to be with us. Its part of who they are and where they come from. If we all obsessed over the past partners then relationships would never grow and love would be an action only in the past. We cant hang on to their past relationships because it is those very relationships that lead them to us. You need to let go of the insecurity you feel over this girl. You have no reason to obsess except for the possibility of jealousy. That will kill a relationship almost as quickly as cheating. Do you really want a relationship thats filled with insecurity, over reactions, passing judgement? I really dont think you do. Instead ask yourself what type of relationship you do want? If you want a happy, fulfilling, close relationship then simply decide that is what you want and then work to achieve that. You need to bring understanding and acceptance to his past. When he gives you information about himself like that you need to accept it and not judge it. You need to be open to him so that you create a safe bond where intimacy and trust can flourish. You need to let him know you overreacted and you understand and that you have come to accept no matter what was between them that its over and he is with you. If you dont, you risk loosing him. I hope this helps you out. I wish you luck. Scootncash
Author Trippy Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 You've already said that he told you why he did what he did and you went further to say he was a great boyfriend, never cheats, never lies, etc. The point is that if you continue to analyize this and bring it up it will provide only one thing for you. Your boyfriend will leave. You will drive him away by continuing with this behavior. You have to ask yourself why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is so insecure and cant leave the past alone. The past is exactly what it is, in the past. He didnt know you then, he didnt date you then. He was honest enough to tell you the truth -not a relationship but fwb. If someone opens up that honestly and trusts you enough to inform you with that information and then you punish him for it he will probably never be that open with you again. He trusted you enough to tell you something that he more than likely was not very proud of. He took a risk that you wouldnt judge him an accept something he had done without loosing it. Instead of creating a safe environment for him to be honest and open you created a place he doesnt want to go to any longer. You should love a person for who they are and not what you'd like them to be. He is what he is and he trusted you to tell you the truth. Now you've taken that truth and created a monster. Thats not a building block for the foundation of love. Instead you should be grateful that he was honest enough and cared enough about you to tell you something like that. You need to let the past be where it belongs. He's not bringing it to the relationship. You are and as long as you do this relationship may never grow to where it needs to be. You need to look at the facts in front of you. He has chosen you. He left that relationship, whatever kind it was, behind. He isnt with her, he isnt contacting her. He isnt interested in a relationship with her, he is interested in a relationship with you. Everyone for the most part has been in some type of relationship before they chose to be with us. Its part of who they are and where they come from. If we all obsessed over the past partners then relationships would never grow and love would be an action only in the past. We cant hang on to their past relationships because it is those very relationships that lead them to us. You need to let go of the insecurity you feel over this girl. You have no reason to obsess except for the possibility of jealousy. That will kill a relationship almost as quickly as cheating. Do you really want a relationship thats filled with insecurity, over reactions, passing judgement? I really dont think you do. Instead ask yourself what type of relationship you do want? If you want a happy, fulfilling, close relationship then simply decide that is what you want and then work to achieve that. You need to bring understanding and acceptance to his past. When he gives you information about himself like that you need to accept it and not judge it. You need to be open to him so that you create a safe bond where intimacy and trust can flourish. You need to let him know you overreacted and you understand and that you have come to accept no matter what was between them that its over and he is with you. If you dont, you risk loosing him. I hope this helps you out. I wish you luck. Scootncash THANK YOU SO MUCH SCOOTNCASH! You have opened my eyes, that all makes perfect sense. you made me see it in a different light. I know he wont leave me for acting like that or maybe just not anytime soon but I do know I need to stop cause like you said he was honest enough to open up (which alot of guys dont do) & be honest bout his experiences & all i did was make him probably scared. I know I make him feel bad & he has told me when I bring it up to him he feels stupid cause that was a moment in his life he is NOT PROUD of. I need to stop myself & realize he LOVES me. I mean the guy has gone far enough to tattoo my name on his arm & he has asked me to marry him. He does however understand I cant help it(my thoughts) sometimes & tries to help me cope but I think this all stems from a past relationship i had when i was 17 that made me insecure & its coming out now. I know its not fair to my BF now & I need to try to find a way to get over the past. I have a past & so doesnt everyone. & like you said if we obsess over our current partners past relationships our love cannot grow. Thank you so much! you have no idea how good it was to hear you say those words. Thank you for taking the time to write all of that to me = ] I wish there was a way to add friends on here or something cause I would love to keep in touch & let you know how things pan out but Im not sure how to use this website, im new, haha! so if there is a way please let me know or if you dont want to I understand. I cant say Thanks enough =]
scootncash Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Hi Trippy, glad to hear your feeling a bit better about this. Didnt want to sound too harsh but ive been in your position before. You do need to confront what ever it is that makes you feel insecure. It will help you out tremendously in the long run. By all means keep us posted here. Im new here too but i believe your not allowed to leave personal email address or other information as such. I guess maybe someone here who's been here a while could let you know that kind of information. I certainly dont mind at all. I do wish you the best of luck! Take care, scootncash
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