lonelypiscesguy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Well, she finally sent THE email. Said she doesn't want contact anymore. I sent her a meant-to-be romantic, "I still love you" video with an offensive username, not about her, but a hated sports team. She didn't like it and said as much. Now I get what you have all been preaching about NC. Her saying that really put the hooks in. It's like she died. I feel remorseful all over. Had I started NC in earnest when she broke up with me almost 2 months ago, I would be pretty damn close to closure, now I have to start all over! Dammit! Oh well, I have too much I want to do this Summer, I want this to be one the funnest years of my life! Work is going good, I'm still sort of young (42!) and I want to socialize again! I never would have made her really happy anyway, I don't think, or her me. I'm Pisces and she is a Leo! For those in the know, a difficult match in love, for friends, great! She looked for me for 26 years, she said she HAD to find me, just to see what I have been up to, at least, even if I was married. That's hard for me to get over, being a hopeless romantic, and all. I do wish I could have been what she was expecting, but I can't very well change who I am and don't care to. I actually like being me and won't change what I like for anyone. She did teach me that I do have a selfish streak, maybe because I was single for so long, I don't know. I guess it will just take time. Sure does suck now, though. I know if I work at it, I'll find someone. It sure was wonderful being in love again. And I want that again, I won't die lonely and bitter. I will take this time to make myself as desirable a catch as I can, not superficially, of course, but make real changes in my attitude and work on not being such a selfish bastard. I didn't used to be, I don't think. Or maybe the ex-wife just didn't make an issue out of it! Hmmm... Anyway, I think I am doing well for the most part, I think I may have been as in love with being in love as I was with her. She had her flaws as well, in my own defense. I have to work on not being so shy when approaching women...Sorry, random thoughts. Thank you all for the good work you do here. There are some very torn up people in this world, love IS a battlefield, and you all have bigger hearts than all the other forums I have been to, albeit, not that many. Take care and good luck with your love and your life!
EmperorR Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Sorry Man,wow 26 years that's a long time (older than me,and I think I have it bad). Keep your head up, at least you tried your best.
Author lonelypiscesguy Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I'm sorry to keep whinig about this, I'm not a wreck or anything, in fact now I am just getting a little...miffed? I mean, a few months ago, she is telling me she wants a ring around her finger and now, "I don't want to be with you anymore. Don't contact me, and I won't be contacting you." Last Friday she was impressed I remembered so much about her family and we seemed to be getting on as friends, to THIS? Question: Is it selfish of me to think that I overlooked, IMO, quite a lot to be with her, living in a group home for recovering addicts when she found me, having herpes, going to AA, dating her dealer who tried to get her to shoot-up, taking meds for bi-polar disorder, etc? When we started talking, she was on state disability for her meth addiction, no job, no prospects, all she had was an 8 an hour job lined up (and her with a BA), and now that she has a 20 an hour job she got through friends and family and she has a room she is renting, it seems like now that she is on her feet again, she doesn't have the time of day for me. Granted, I was rather thoughtless and selfish at times, but I think she could have at least waited around, as a friend, to see if I could change what I really was willing to change about myself, because i agree, being selfish as a boyfriend sucks! I wanted what was in her best interests, truly. When she first got a hold of me and dumped all her baggage at my feet, I felt sorry for all the trouble she created for herself and saw her turning her life around and I had so much fun talking to her and we had some very deep talks. Well, I take solace in knowing I wasn't THAT bad, at least I don't think so. So, am I still being selfish thinking that I overlooked so much? In December she even told me she felt like getting high, felt that way for a few days. This scared me, obviously. In fact, as I was getting to know her and she told me all this, I thought, "What a train wreck!" But I fell in love anyway. I should have known, she called off 2 engagements already. What do you kind folks think? Why am I still so torn-up inside? And yes, absolutely NO contact! Thanks!
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