scaredtofallagain Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Since my last relationship fell apart..I shyed away from the idea of dating and all the stress that seems to come with it. I'll openly admit that I don't have the best self confidence in the world, which doesn't help at all. But, I've finally gotten back into the dating scene and I've been overcome by that question. In all the past relationships I've been good enough UNTIL something better comes along. And that is one of, if not the worst feelings I have ever felt. You love some one and then your pushed aside like you never meant anything. How do you get past that in a budding, new potential relationship without letting it hold you back? I'm terrified that if I allow myself to fully open up that it will just be history repeating itself all over again. I like this guy but my past experiances are making it difficult to handle this new ..situation. I wouldn't call it a relationship yet..just casual dates, the getting to know eachother phase. But..that fear is always in the back of my mind and I have no idea how to make it go away. I want to be happy, I want to be able to open up but...how do you do that? Trust...love...it's all very scary.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You need to stop caring so much. You're like that big ******* in that book that keeps accidentally crushing the cute fuzzy mice. The harder you try, the less desirable you become. Try playing this guy a little bit. Don't call him back from time to time ... don't rush over when he tells you to ... blow him off to go out with the girls every now and then ... etc. You just need to get past that plateau where the excitement wears off. Most people try too hard and the excitement stops on a dime. By playing him a bit, you sort of ween him down and eventually he finds himself still wanting to be with you, well after the lust of a new relationship is gone. Everyone says "I don't want to play games" but the fact remains ... games are usually a necessity and can always be an asset.
paddington bear Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Because somewhere inside you don't feel good enough - you give off those vibes and then the guy picks up on that and soon enough he doesn't see you as valuable any more either. Have a look at your own behaviour or thoughts in previous relationships and see if there is any connecting factor in how you presented yourself. You need to truly believe 'I am the biggest catch there is, and this guy is an idiot if he doesn't get that' and keep that thought in your head. If he starts to pull away from you, you have to think 'his loss' and not 'oh no! Why is this happening again to me??? What's so wrong with me?' I myself am trying hard to not see myself as second best, same story as yourself, there's always someone better, someone newer and shinier and I've gotten to the stage where I somehow just accept that and don't expect any more, hope for it, sure, but expect it, no. And that's the difference, in your actions and how you hold yourself and how you react to how you're treated you show a man how he should treat you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I like this guy but my past experiances are making it difficult to handle this new ..situation. I wouldn't call it a relationship yet..just casual dates, the getting to know eachother phase. But..that fear is always in the back of my mind and I have no idea how to make it go away. I want to be happy, I want to be able to open up but...how do you do that? Trust...love...it's all very scary. Guys that are always looking for the next best thing are fairly easy to tell, because they are nearly always impatient. Don't get physical with him for like 4 months... if he bounces then he wasn't that into you. The trust and love will come with time. If you try to force yourself to trust someone that has not PROVEN himself trustworthy... your going to get burned again and again. Why? Because that method is pure stupidity. Before you trust a guy... make sure he is worth trusting. Look what happens when banks just loan money without making sure the person is trustworthy... they go under. Why is your person life any different?
spiracles Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Don't get physical with him for like 4 months... if he bounces then he wasn't that into you. . i hope you don't like sex. but seriously OP, you are never the best of what's out there, just the best of what's available. then again, so is he. and while i don't know anything about your personality, you're not hideous. so if/when your relationship goes down the tubes and he finds someone else, so will you.
bitbyte Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You're young, attractive and at your prime. Enjoy the process, and don't think about the end goal, as there's no such thing! Loving someone is defined by opening yourself to getting hurt and being okay with it. Since my last relationship fell apart..I shyed away from the idea of dating and all the stress that seems to come with it. I'll openly admit that I don't have the best self confidence in the world, which doesn't help at all. But, I've finally gotten back into the dating scene and I've been overcome by that question. In all the past relationships I've been good enough UNTIL something better comes along. And that is one of, if not the worst feelings I have ever felt. You love some one and then your pushed aside like you never meant anything. How do you get past that in a budding, new potential relationship without letting it hold you back? I'm terrified that if I allow myself to fully open up that it will just be history repeating itself all over again. I like this guy but my past experiances are making it difficult to handle this new ..situation. I wouldn't call it a relationship yet..just casual dates, the getting to know eachother phase. But..that fear is always in the back of my mind and I have no idea how to make it go away. I want to be happy, I want to be able to open up but...how do you do that? Trust...love...it's all very scary.
Author scaredtofallagain Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Well, it's good to see that there are people out there who actually give the kind of advice a person needs. Better to come from someone that doesn't know you than a good friend who is going to tell you exactly what they think you want or need to hear. It's rough getting back out there but it's worse being single because i'm too afraid to try. I'm sure there will be a million and one more posts from me...my brain is a busy, busy place. thanks guys, really. It all makes sense but it's the listening and actually using of the advice that's tough.
bitbyte Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 It's rough getting back out there but it's worse being single because i'm too afraid to try. It always sucks to try and get back in the game.. I maybe a bit hypocritical as I took a few months off myself, but the longer you wait, the harder it gets. It's like that if you're ever getting nervous to do anything right? Like skydiving, or speaking to a large crowd. Just go out there and do it.
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Here is something important I have learned over the years: When you don't like yourself very much, you tend to make bad choices about whom you date. When you are in a good place- you will tend to choose those more worthy of you. When you have self esteem issues, you are vulnerable to the wrong kind of guys. There are guys out there that will just take advantage of girls because they can. A simple remedy to that is to NOT be the girl that allows guys to take advantage of them. What you deem to be your problem isn't actually your problem at all. It's not like you are meeting a string of great guys that date you for a bit and then leave you for someone else. More likely, you are dating losers that weren't worthy in the first place.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Here is something important I have learned over the years: When you don't like yourself very much, you tend to make bad choices about whom you date. When you are in a good place- you will tend to choose those more worthy of you. When you have self esteem issues, you are vulnerable to the wrong kind of guys. There are guys out there that will just take advantage of girls because they can. A simple remedy to that is to NOT be the girl that allows guys to take advantage of them. What you deem to be your problem isn't actually your problem at all. It's not like you are meeting a string of great guys that date you for a bit and then leave you for someone else. More likely, you are dating losers that weren't worthy in the first place. Read this again...and again...
D-Lish Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Read this again...and again... Thanks Cherry- and I stand by it. When I felt bad about myself I dated crappy guys and only re-enforced how I felt about myself- and about men in general. It wasn't until I began to value myself that I started choosing better partners.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks Cherry- and I stand by it. When I felt bad about myself I dated crappy guys and only re-enforced how I felt about myself- and about men in general. It wasn't until I began to value myself that I started choosing better partners. Your post is dead on! It's along the lines of what I was thinking, but much better put. My question is this. In your opinion/experience How do you tell the worthwhile guys from the crappy ones?
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