czombie Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Well....about 3 weeks ago I told my wife of 4 mos that I wanted a divorce.....biggest mistake I think I may ever make. We were together 4 years bfore we tied the knot....(we have a little girl together) I really don't know where to start to help yall understand the situation better so here it goes...My wife had a very bad child hood growing up...her mother abandoned her when she was just a little girl. She had to go live with her grandmother. She was raped at around the age 11 by some step uncle or something like that. At the age of 13 her grandmother passed and then had to go live in foster care until the age of 18. At 18 she joined the Marines. Her father who wanted nothing to do with her up until about a year ago died a few mos ago and mother who came back into her life about 5-6 years ago is in very bad health due to lifestyle. Oh yeah, she also had a half brother who shot himself a few years back too. To say the least I don't think her childhood could have been much worse. She's 27 now...I'm 30...For the most part she's had to deal with abandonement her life and now I realize that I just did the same thing that has always been done to her. Abandon her when she needed me the most.... I stopped sleeping with her and giving her much needed attention, but I was getting so frustrated with her and her moms situation. Ever since her mom came back in her life she seemed to devote too much time to her from my point of view. First thing every morning she would get up and go to her moms to be with her, but didn't bother me too bad because I was going to work. But her moms health got so bad that she had to become her health care provider, which caused her to be over there even more. She would call me constantly at work crying and upset at her mom for being drunk or just being mean in general. I got so tired of hearing this that I would just tell my wife that it was her fault for putting up with it. My wife would even buy her alcohol at times. She would then tell me that I didn't understand because I had parents and a normal childhood. This happened at least every couple days. I got to the point that I would come home from work exhausted and show no attention to my wife whatsoever and just watch t.v., because of the constant drama. Like I said I stopped sleeping with her, cuddling, and even telling her that I loved her unless she said it first. I can look back on it now and count nearly every single time I pushed her away because I had a game or sporting event to watch on t.v. I got too comfortable in the realtionship and neglected her feelings. I guess women do always need to feel loved and I didn't show her that. Well here we are now and she's seeing another guy and I'm talking to another girl. My wife already told me that she slept with this guy. Of course I'm hurt but in al honesty I don't blame here. We hadn't had sex for at least a month although she begged numerous times, but i was just was losing my attraction to her because of all the drama..(kinda hard to explain) This is when I realized that looks don't mean anything because my wife is highly attractive. Never told her she was pretty even though she was always complimenting me. The bad deal in this situation is that my wife and I are both very stubborn and hard headed...me especially. We talk every day but it is usually fighting or about our daughter. We have a normal day then a bad day. I can admit that I can be very hurtful and say the most awful things, but I'm just so damn angry that she didn't put up more of a fight when I told her I wanted the divorce. She literally took it as that and left that day. Now we are to the point that we are telling each other that we never loved each other and that we just got married because of our daughter...heck I don't even know if I do love her anymore or if I just miss her being around. I'm really rollercoasting each day on the issue. One day I'm glad it's over then the next I miss her badly. I do regret not showing her more attention however. No woman deserves to be neglected especially with the stuff that my wife has been through. Oh yeah...I never took her out to eat much either. About a week ago my wife got drunk (she doesn't drink by the way) and called me in the middle of the night bawling and squalling telling me that she hated her life and wanted to die. She then proceeded to tell me that all I had to have done in our marriage was show her more affection and that none of this would have ever happened. I try to talk to her about why I got this way and then tells me that she doesnt love me anymore and that we just don't get along. I'm pretty sure that she is filling this void with this other guy to keep from hurting too bad. She's getting the attention I never gave her. Hell I don't know. I can admit that I have said some really terrible things along the lines of wishing that she was never the mother of our daughter, that she is a slut, a loser, and will never amount to anything. I get angry and upset at myself and try to make her feel bad too. I even told her that I cheated on her by text, which I never did. She called me crying telling me that that's why I stopped sleeping with her. I tried to tell her that I said it out of anger and that I didn't cheat. One day I'll tell her that I'll always be there for her and help her in any way, then the next day I'm saying the most god awful things. I guess I'm jealous of this other guy and she knows it. She hasn't asked hardly anything at all about the new girl I'm talking to which actually worries me a bit. Like I said I'm not even sure if I love this girl anymore but I can tell you that I still feel something. Is there any hope for us getting back together or have I ruined it ? or should we even try? I've always been for sure on things in relationships but this one has really got me confused. We've both said that there is no hope for us, I reassured her of that for sleeping with this guy. There's more details if yall are confused about anything....Just need to hear from yalls points of views on how to go about things. I want to tell her how I feel about everything but at the same time I don't think she'll believe me because of how bad I rollercoaster.
RinClavin Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hi, Sorry for the situation you're in. I don't have a lot of great advice for you but thought I might be able to shed a little bit of light from my own experiences. First of all, as you know, marriages and parenthood take a lot of work. A LOT of work, and it isn't always fun. As time goes by it's really easy to let the work take over, and lose your relationship with each other (often lose touch with yourself). She's had an awful childhood (I can relate to a few of the things in her childhood from my own personal experience and I know how much it effects relationships later in life). Her fear of abandonment is real. And if she's anything like me she'd rather push you away than have you leave her alone. Right now your marriage is starting to look like a lot of work, and a lot of pain with no reward (to both of you). You can both take responsibility for that. Each of you are very complex and have a myriad of reasons to feel as you do. Her new man looks like security, and love. Hope for a future that doesn't hurt as much as her current life does. Now... there's no guarantees. And there is certainly a chance that she will begin to feel hopeless in any relationship because of her own fears. (taking that too much to heart wouldn't be good. I'm dealing with that fear myself and could totally be projecting) My specific advice would be this. You have a daughter and for her sake you MUST patch up the way you interact. She will be able to sense the tension between her parents, and that is not healthy. I don't see a lot of light at the end of your marriage... so many hurtful things have been said and neither one of you is willing to put in 110%. Marriages don't fix themselves unless both partners are willing to give it everything. That's the reason affairs are often so deadly to relationships. Not only does the betrayed spouse have to get past the affair and forgive their partner. But the wayward spouse has to completely get over their affair partner and give the relationship their all. If you think you and your wife can get to a point of being ready to put the hurtful things aside. If you think your wife can get to the point of putting her feelings for the OM asside... then you have a chance. But without that I don't see how it can work. Sorry buddy... stay strong and realize that you can be happy no matter what circumstances life piles on you.
Author czombie Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Yeah I'm just not sure about anything...Today she called me but I didn't answer. She then texted me asking if I was off work so that she could come to the house and get some things. I texted her back telling her that I was off work...By this time I had already mowed the yard and was heading to the gym. She started calling constantly while I was working out because I would never answer her calls, didn't want to talk at all....she then texted me the ole' F**k you. Don't really know what she wanted to talk about and didn't really care at the time. I just can't figure out what she is trying to do...She has a key to the house and knows that she can come by at any time while I'm working and get her stuff. I don't know if she's trying to get a rise out of me or what. Up until yesterday we've been texting alot, especially me saying bad things, but now I'm done talking or texting anything non child related.... I don't even want to talk to her right now because I myself need more time to realize if I do love her or just miss her company/friendship...sounds bad but I don't want to go thru this again...Alot of the stuff she said to me about not sleeping with her etc. really got me to thinking that maybe I didn't/don't love her... May sound lame but I'm gonna stop talking to her about anything other than our daughter to see if I can get her to initiate a conversation about our marriage....
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