crackerjax9 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Ok so I'm having issues with my boyfriend of 11 months..right now were broken up but trying to find something to do to make me trust him again. Here's this part of the story : Found a couple of texts in his phone to and from girls that a man thats in a relationship should not be saying. he claims they were a joke and one girl always texts him but he doesnt text back. i was extremely hurt and said the only way i would be iwth him is if he told those girls not to talk to him any more , if he put us on a relationship on facebook(because we havent done that since the last time we broke up) and if we exchanged facebook passwords. my reasoning behind this is : 1) if he has nothing to hide...whats the big deal? 2) if he loves me and wants to build back up his trust why wouldnt he? 3) i told him if someone facebook IMed him id let him know and wouldnt write back nor would i delete messages from other girls 4) i also said that the only reason why id bring up a message is if it had something innappropriate in it.. not if the girl was just like hey whats up he says: 1) he wouldnt talk to other girls 2) he wants his privacy 3) he thinks id message girls back or IM them on facebook this for me is for security and to be able to trust him again...opinions? or any other ways we could meet in the middle?
xpaperxcutx Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I think if Facebook is causing a rift between the two of you then there's really no helping this relationship. I would think he wouldn't make a big deal out of proclaiming his status just as you would not pressure him to have to take this step. How about finding yourself a new bf? If you dont trust him now, having him change his status won't make a difference.
Author crackerjax9 Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 no he agreed to do the relationship status...just not exchange passwords..
missdependant Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 1) if he has nothing to hide...whats the big deal?Because. You're his girlfriend. Not his probation officer. 2) if he loves me and wants to build back up his trust why wouldnt he?Having his passwords isn't going to make you trust him more. You're just going to snoop and snoop and look in every place possible for reasons NOT to trust him. he says: 1) he wouldnt talk to other girlsWhy? Is he not allowed to have ANY friends of the opposite sex? 2) he wants his privacyJust because he did something wrong doesn't mean he shouldn't have a right to privacy. How would YOU like it if suddenly your SO was acting like your parents instead of your SO? 3) he thinks id message girls back or IM them on facebookAnd it's a possibility. Building trust shouldn't be a matter of him walking on eggshells around you. If you're going to trust him then trust him. He's already met in the middle with you. If you can't bring yourself to trust him again, you shouldn't be together. Like I said before, trust doesn't mean knowing each other's passwords. It takes TIME.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I think if Facebook is causing a rift between the two of you then there's really no helping this relationship. Agreed. this sounds very 10th grade to me. Which makes it null in void in the grand scheme of things. Honey, trust me, this **** isn't nearly as important as it seems right now.
Beyond Eternity Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 That gives you access to a lot of his own personal stuff. Sure, he did the wrong thing by flirting/giving attention to other girls but that doesn't give you the right to take over his account just to make sure he doesn't do it again. You have to trust him not to do it again. The only thing you do by obtaining his passwords, is giving yourself permission to try and find something wrong when really there probably isn't anything. He hasn't gone off and cheated on you, so you should give him a second chance and tell him that you're going to trust him on what he says. When you make claims like that, he may look at you as if you're a bit demanding and controlling - which is usually a turn off. It could be a wake up call for him, but don't go overboard with it or you'll ruin the whole purpose of shaking that message into him in the first place.
Author crackerjax9 Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 still looking for more opionons and advice tho...now the problem is trust
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Having been in a marriage where he was either having cyber sex, phone sex, dating other women, or flirting with other women - policing him is not going to help. If he doesn't want to change, he's not going to (he'll simply find other ways to get around you). We choose to control when we fail to inspire. If you can't trust him without the added controls in place, then plain and simple - you CAN'T trust him, period.
Lyssa Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Because. You're his girlfriend. Not his probation officer. Having his passwords isn't going to make you trust him more. You're just going to snoop and snoop and look in every place possible for reasons NOT to trust him. he says: Why? Is he not allowed to have ANY friends of the opposite sex? Just because he did something wrong doesn't mean he shouldn't have a right to privacy. How would YOU like it if suddenly your SO was acting like your parents instead of your SO? And it's a possibility. Building trust shouldn't be a matter of him walking on eggshells around you. If you're going to trust him then trust him. He's already met in the middle with you. If you can't bring yourself to trust him again, you shouldn't be together. Like I said before, trust doesn't mean knowing each other's passwords. It takes TIME. x2 - a good one!
JustLooking123 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You do not trust him. (perhaps rightfully so). Getting his facebook password will not fix that underlying fact.
Trialbyfire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Ok so I'm having issues with my boyfriend of 11 months..Stop right there. You're not married. 11 months is a short period of time. Walk away from someone who doesn't treat you and your relationship with the utmost respect and valuation. right now were broken up but trying to find something to do to make me trust him again.Nothing can "make" you trust him again. Don't bother putting any more work into this guy, considering the length of your relationship. Move on, move on, move on. There are trustworthy individuals out there. Time to find someone who has the same or similar relationship boundaries.
BCCA Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 First of all, its downright ludacris to want to have each others FB passwords. If thats what it takes for you to trust him, MOVE ON. Thats no way to live, constantly paranoid. And if someone is going to cheat, nothing short of 24 hour survielance is going to stop them. Youre wasting your energy, not even a year and you cant trust him? Move on.
thegoodlife Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Having been in a marriage where he was either having cyber sex, phone sex, dating other women, or flirting with other women - policing him is not going to help. If he doesn't want to change, he's not going to (he'll simply find other ways to get around you). We choose to control when we fail to inspire. If you can't trust him without the added controls in place, then plain and simple - you CAN'T trust him, period. I 100% agree with this.
Phateless Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Ok so I'm having issues with my boyfriend of 11 months..right now were broken up but trying to find something to do to make me trust him again. Here's this part of the story : Found a couple of texts in his phone to and from girls that a man thats in a relationship should not be saying. he claims they were a joke and one girl always texts him but he doesnt text back. i was extremely hurt and said the only way i would be iwth him is if he told those girls not to talk to him any more , if he put us on a relationship on facebook(because we havent done that since the last time we broke up) and if we exchanged facebook passwords. my reasoning behind this is : 1) if he has nothing to hide...whats the big deal? 2) if he loves me and wants to build back up his trust why wouldnt he? 3) i told him if someone facebook IMed him id let him know and wouldnt write back nor would i delete messages from other girls 4) i also said that the only reason why id bring up a message is if it had something innappropriate in it.. not if the girl was just like hey whats up he says: 1) he wouldnt talk to other girls 2) he wants his privacy 3) he thinks id message girls back or IM them on facebook this for me is for security and to be able to trust him again...opinions? or any other ways we could meet in the middle? This is not about texting and facebook and phone calls. This is about insecurity and lack of trust. If you don't trust him, there is no relationship. If you don't think you can trust him, there is no relationship. You should not exchange PWs and snoop. If your relationship has got to that point you should end it.
Author crackerjax9 Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 thanks guys..just needed other people's opinions..trying to figure out this mess!
Trialbyfire Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Personally, I see nothing wrong with exchanging passwords. If you've got nothing to hide, you're not going to care much who sees your private messages. Having said that, I still stand by what I said. This guy has already proven he's unreliable. Get out before it happens again. Cheaters rarely change unless they've experienced trauma.
dreamergrl Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Personally, I see nothing wrong with exchanging passwords. If you've got nothing to hide, you're not going to care much who sees your private messages. Having said that, I still stand by what I said. This guy has already proven he's unreliable. Get out before it happens again. Cheaters rarely change unless they've experienced trauma. I agree with this. Also though, lets keep in mind, if there's already trust issues and insecurity going on in this relationship, OP, you're going to take things you see in his facebook further out of context then it really should be. Grant it, your not married, but that's no reason for him to be talking (sexually, I'm guessing) with other girls. I'd drop this guy. Trust me, I know from recent lack of trust in my last relationship that trust is not something that just happens after it's been broken. It's something that is earned back, and also you have to allow yourself to forgive what he did wrong. If you can't do this, there's no way to move forward.
Phateless Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Personally, I see nothing wrong with exchanging passwords. If you've got nothing to hide, you're not going to care much who sees your private messages. Having said that, I still stand by what I said. This guy has already proven he's unreliable. Get out before it happens again. Cheaters rarely change unless they've experienced trauma. While that is true, I think on principle you shouldn't be snooping around. As was mentioned, if you're snooping around, LOOKING for something to be wrong, you'll find it. There are so many things that can so easily be taken out of context. I don't look in my gf's phone, and I think I know her myspace/fb passwords, but I have no desire to look around. I trust her completely, and if I snooped I'm sure I'd find something to drive myself insane about. Why even open that can of worms?
Recommended Posts