How to START NC?

[rounder08]

Hey,

 

I just want to know, how do you start NC if you and your ex talk regularly? I am madly in love with her and want her back in my life, but she is with her ex. She says she misses me, which at the time is somewhat coping, but I am finally realizing that this is all false hope. She is with this guy for the wrong reasons, only because I messed up. He was at the right place and the right time, but there's not much I can do.

 

It's like a drug. When we talk everything is good, but then I get so down afterwards. And then the cycle happens over again. I've poured my heart out to her, and she knows how I feel and how I want her back in my life... I've been quite pathetic about it. I feel that she still has love for me, but only wants to keep me in her life until SHE is completely over me. She gets extremely jealous if I am talking to other women. I even told her this is not healthy for her relationships, and she has issues she needs to deal with. She says that she WANTS to get over me, but it's so hard because of what we had.

 

I am so down and out over all this, and find myself spilling my heart every time we talk, only to regret it afterwards. Then I found this website which just rubbed it in how I have approached this the completely wrong way. I SHOULD have done NC from the beginning, but our situation was different.

 

I know it is going to be so hard for me to deal with, but I know I have to end contact with her. I'm not going to lie, I am hoping that she will realize how much she misses me, and how she doesn't really want to be with her ex. I know that is the complete wrong thinking, but that's only because I want her back so badly. What I really hope for is that NC will get rid of those thoughts over time so I can heal rather then hope we get back together.

 

I just want to know, because we are still close do I let her know that I think it is best if we do not speak for a while? I mean I could just out of the blue block her calls, texts, emails, etc. but I can actually see her thinking I am dead and calling the police or something.

 

Thanks for any advice in advance

[CaliGuy]

Read the link in my signature.

 

NC is not something you start as much as it's something you just DO....

 

She's with her ex. That's reason enough for you to stick to NC.

[LadyV]

Read the link in my signature.

 

NC is not something you start as much as it's something you just DO....

 

She's with her ex. That's reason enough for you to stick to NC.

 

I have to agree with CaliGuy....I just called my EX and told him NO MORE and that he will probably not hear from me again...Then I went and blocked everything...phone numbers, emails, all of it. Today is day 10. I feel good right now...The best I've felt in a while!

 

Going with the Nike logo...you "Just Do It"....

 

Good luck!

[rounder08]

Thanks for your input. CaliGuy, you're guide on NC was just what I was looking for thanks.

 

I know that I need to start NC I just want to know if it is okay to let them know that we should stop speaking? Especially in our situation where I've already screwed it up enough times and told her before that I do want keep in contact. Can I now all of a sudden just disappear? Keep in mind that I am the one who is at fault for us not being together, but now realize how much I miss her.

 

Thanks

[LadyV]

In my case, I let him know that I was done....just because I felt I had to let him know. Although we weren't talking about getting back together, there were things that I found out (Him dating someone new) and I didn't want him to be the one who told me...I felt I just had to take the situation into my own hands for my own benefit. He has even said he is not strong enough to stay away and can't initiate it, and doesn't want to...

 

But when I did call him to tell him that I was done, and that he will probably never hear from me again, he had told me, "Well, I think it is for the best." I then said, "Take care, good luck, and I wish you the best." The other times there were I love you's and all that. I didn't even go there. I just simply said what I needed to say, and hung up the phone...today is day 11 NC and I can honestly say, I feel pretty darn good today...I guess as the days add up, I just realize more and more that life is much better without him, rather then keeping in contact and wondering if we were going to get back together....I want to work on ME....

 

I think it is great that you own up to your responsibilties in the relationship. I know I have my flaws too, There were things he didn't like about me...but I never did anything to betray his trust, just got in his nerves with things....I tried to ask him "what" it was, that about me that could have him love me so very much, yet not want to be with me, and all I get is the..."It's me" speech....

 

Good luck to you....If you are ready to initiate NC, then I would tell you to do it...because in the end, to continue to talk and so forth, could do more damage than good. I know you miss her, I miss my XBF so much!!! But, I don't miss all the drama attached to it.....

 

Hang in there!

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for your input. CaliGuy, you're guide on NC was just what I was looking for thanks.

 

I know that I need to start NC I just want to know if it is okay to let them know that we should stop speaking? Especially in our situation where I've already screwed it up enough times and told her before that I do want keep in contact. Can I now all of a sudden just disappear? Keep in mind that I am the one who is at fault for us not being together, but now realize how much I miss her.

 

Thanks

 

No, don't tell her anything. Just simply disappear from her life. Like I've said a million times, if they want you, REALLY want you, they know how to find you. Getting in touch with you won't be an issue. If you have gone cold turkey NC with them and they aren't contacting you, doesn't that tell you something? It should.

 

With all of my exs, when I have implemented NC the only contact me in the context of fishing to see if I *might* be available should they change their mind. Occasionally they will lightly knock on the door (I'm using analogies here). They don't beat the door down, especially if they are seeing someone else.

 

If they truly love and miss you, they'll not knock on your door.

 

They'd knock the damn thing down with a grenade to get to you. Believe me.

 

Go NC, stick to NC and if her heart changes, you will be the first to know. There's no need to accounce anything to her. Just DO IT.

[Nuala83]

"I'm not going to lie, I am hoping that she will realize how much she misses me, and how she doesn't really want to be with her ex. I know that is the complete wrong thinking, but that's only because I want her back so badly".

 

Rounder 08 I love your honesty. I still feel that way too even thought my ex has moved on. It's not a good way to think but it's natural. I'm on day 8 of NC and it's so so hard.

[bluewolf17]

Rounder,

 

I swear after reading your post, you sound like a male version of me. I think I wrote somthing just like it.

 

I was doing the same thing-the break up was my fualt, we went back and forth, me trying to get him back, and we would talk and it would be great, then we wouldn't talk and I would be a mess. Its hard. It's hard on your heart. If you *must, give her a last talking to. Put it on the line. Be honest. Be direct. Tell her exactly what you want, and why. Then leave it alone. She might not have a answer for you (and no answer, is a answer!). She might contact you weeks later, etc. But, at least she will know where you stand.

 

That's what I did. I wasn't sure how to start NC, I just knew the back and forth was tearing me up. I gave him on last appeal, and that is it. No follow up.

 

Best of luck.

[hopesndreams]

No, don't tell her anything. Just simply disappear from her life. Like I've said a million times, if they want you, REALLY want you, they know how to find you. Getting in touch with you won't be an issue. If you have gone cold turkey NC with them and they aren't contacting you, doesn't that tell you something? It should.

 

Day 1 NC for me. It's the only thing I haven't done yet.

[Phateless]

It's not something you START, it's something you STOP. STOP contacting her. 100%.

 

RIGHT.

 

F _ _ _ ING.

 

NOW.

 

 

Delete her from everything you can think of

phone

email

aim/yahoo/msn/skype/icq/etc

facebook

myspace

friendster

twitter

 

take everything (EVERYTHING) in your house that reminds you of her and get it out of sight. you don't have to throw it away, but HIDE IT!!

 

Change your life, change your habits, reorganize your room. Make new friends, go to the gym, take up a new hobby, learn new things, try something completely unlike you.

 

You need to start creating transition for yourself. Put some kind of dividing line between then and now.

 

Get in close touch with some good friends and have them check on you. Have them remind you and hold you accountable if you screw up and contact her.

 

I once almost texted my ex during NC. I wrote the message, had her as the recipient, and my thumb was on send. At the last second I closed the phone, cleared the message, opened it again, and texted my buddy to tell him what I had almost done. He called me right back and cursed me out something fierce.

 

It made me feel a lot better.

[rounder08]

Wow, I cannot believe what help everyone has been. I have never really used forums before, but thanks to this one and everyone helping out it has made dealing with this a lot easier.

 

I'm technically on Day 2 of NC, but as I said we've done this before. Last time I broke it. I know this time I will have the will power to not, but I know that she is going to text me only because last time we spoke I said to give me a call or send a message whenever she is back in town to meet up..BIG mistake.

 

I was thinking of just sticking by CaliGuy's guide and send back one or two word responses to sort of get her to realize that I do not want to speak anymore. I just feel that after what I did to her, and the fact that I kept telling her that I wanted to stay in contact, that I owe it to her to at least let her know somehow. I dunno, this is all knew to me. On one hand I feel that if I say goodbye she won't take it as seriously, and just think that I'm bluffing to get her back, but at the same time, I just don't feel right cutting her off without her knowing.

 

I know, my main problem is that I'm still thinking of her feelings and what she will think when I should be focusing on me and only me, but I still deeply care for her.

[Phateless]

Wow, I cannot believe what help everyone has been. I have never really used forums before, but thanks to this one and everyone helping out it has made dealing with this a lot easier.

 

I'm technically on Day 2 of NC, but as I said we've done this before. Last time I broke it. I know this time I will have the will power to not, but I know that she is going to text me only because last time we spoke I said to give me a call or send a message whenever she is back in town to meet up..BIG mistake.

 

I was thinking of just sticking by CaliGuy's guide and send back one or two word responses to sort of get her to realize that I do not want to speak anymore. I just feel that after what I did to her, and the fact that I kept telling her that I wanted to stay in contact, that I owe it to her to at least let her know somehow. I dunno, this is all knew to me. On one hand I feel that if I say goodbye she won't take it as seriously, and just think that I'm bluffing to get her back, but at the same time, I just don't feel right cutting her off without her knowing.

 

I know, my main problem is that I'm still thinking of her feelings and what she will think when I should be focusing on me and only me, but I still deeply care for her.

 

She's putting herself first. Why aren't you putting yourself first? Cut her off cold turkey, she is stringing you along and tooling you. Disappear without an explanation and without a trace. She'll figure it out.

[CaliGuy]

I was thinking of just sticking by CaliGuy's guide and send back one or two word responses to sort of get her to realize that I do not want to speak anymore. I just feel that after what I did to her, and the fact that I kept telling her that I wanted to stay in contact, that I owe it to her to at least let her know somehow. I dunno, this is all knew to me. On one hand I feel that if I say goodbye she won't take it as seriously, and just think that I'm bluffing to get her back, but at the same time, I just don't feel right cutting her off without her knowing.

 

Personally I would say the damage is done and that if you respond to her, in any fashion, you will simply confirm to her that you are still on a string and still accepting breadcrumbs of her attention.

 

The BEST thing for you to do is go COLD TURKEY. NC from here on out until such a time, if ever, she drops a grenade on your front door. In the meantime my best suggestion to you is to hang out with friends, work your tail off at the gym, get some new hobbies, etc. ANYTHING to get you OUT of the house and back into the swing of life.

 

Stop worrying about her. As Jesus once said "No man who has ever worried has added a single day to his life" (paraphrasing here). You don't have any control over her, what she does, where she goes, who she dates, etc. All you have control over is yourself.

 

Figure out how to make yourself happy first and foremost and the rest will take care of itself. Like I said, if she wants you, she WILL find you and neither rain nor sleet nor flood nor snow will keep her away. And the best part is you don't have to do a thing but stay silent.

[LadyV]

I have to agree with everyone here....go cold turkey no contact. You don't owe her an explanation. I didn't owe my XBF an explanation but wanted to make it clear I was done. I blocked him from everything..emails, phone number...everything! It's day 11 and honestly, am starting to see better moments rather than bad...

[EmperorR]

She knows your number remember that. I'm nc day 14 I'll never contact her again, heck it been like nine months nc win my ex fiancé and I feel nothing to contact her.

 

Block her everywhere you can and move on, actions speak louder than words

[not_a_happy_camper]

Rounder, this will be the absolute best thing for you. don't take her crumbs of attention, you deserve someone absolutely 100% devoted to you. I won't lie to you, it's going to be really difficult. like you said, she's like a drug. now it'll be like weaning yourself off it and getting the DT's! difficult, but worth it. and everytime you feel like contacting her, post it here instead. that way you get it off your chest, but no damage is done. and delete her off facebook, etc. looking at her page will not make you feel good! cut her out of your life completely. it is for the best

[rounder08]

You guys are right, in terms of just going cold turkey. I know it's the best, I'm just not in the right state of mind to fully accept it. Let's face it, I'm pretty bias towards contacting her one last time to let her know, but I know that I'll regret it afterwards like I have all those other times I poured my heart out. Thanks to you guys (and girls), and this forum I have felt less inclined to contact her as I have in the past.

 

But my true test will come when she messages me, and I know she will. Blocking her out will be easy since neither of us use those social networking websites, and all of our photos are already put away. I actually hope she takes a long time to message me so that I'll be a little bit stronger, but at least I'm not dying to contact her...so that's a start.

 

I'll post on here in times I feel like buckling, now that I know there are a lot of people out there to help.

 

Thanks

[LadyV]

 

But my true test will come when she messages me, and I know she will. Blocking her out will be easy since neither of us use those social networking websites, and all of our photos are already put away. I actually hope she takes a long time to message me so that I'll be a little bit stronger, but at least I'm not dying to contact her...so that's a start.

 

 

 

Yes, this was always my down fall too. I was always good at staying away, untill I would get a text or email. He would never call, but he would send a text. I tried to ignore it, but would always end up answering. Finally, I just called my telephone company and blocked his number. He can't text or call me. If he does, it's it will never come to his phone, nor does he get anything telling him that his number is blocked...

 

I had to go to this extreme for ME...It isn't about him, I could care less if he is hurting. I don't even want to know. Honestly, He probably doesn't give a crap. LOL. But me blocking his phone number and his email, then I wouldn't be dreading every single time the phone dings, because I know he can't contact me....

 

Keep your head up. It will get better....Even though I am only 11 days into NC, today was the first day that I felt better!!! Like this "drug" is making it's way out of my system!!! I'm glad too, because it was no good...I deserve so much more, and will get it one day!!! You too deserve a new start and will get it!! Hang in there!!!

 

Best of luck!!!

[rounder08]

My only issue is, is that we had something special. I mean, we were together for two years and lived with each other. She is a big part of my life and I don't want to lose contact with her forever, nor do I hate her. Right now, I want us to get back together, but ultimately through all of this I want to get over her so that we can hopefully speak in the future as friends.

 

Going back to this being a drug, I want it so that I do not need a "hit" anymore to keep me going. I wanna be able to look the drug in the eye ("drug" being her), and not wanting any of it but still being able to be around it.

[Peter_pan]

basically you cant win.

 

if you find a way around this id love to know.

[rounder08]

Oh I know. I've been screwed since I messed up.

 

And if I do find a way around this, you can bet your a** that a book, or guide will be published.

[LadyV]

Oh I know. I've been screwed since I messed up.

 

And if I do find a way around this, you can bet your a** that a book, or guide will be published.

 

Nice!!! I will buy it that is for sure!!!!

[nolanola]

What helped me to not contact my ex was to delete his number from my phone. I still have it, written on a piece of paper hidden under a bunch of stuff in my desk, just in case. Of course, I know the number by heart, but not having it there in the phone makes it much harder to just push one button to send a text. Sending a text used to be my great weakness. Now, if I want to send him a text, I have to enter the entire number. It gives me a little time to think about what I'm doing.

It probably sounds petty and unhealthy, but another thing that keeps me going is that I want my ex to wonder why I'm not calling or texting him. I don't know if this happens, but even the possibility of it keeps me from texting.

[Nuala83]

It probably sounds petty and unhealthy, but another thing that keeps me going is that I want my ex to wonder why I'm not calling or texting him. I don't know if this happens, but even the possibility of it keeps me from texting.

 

Nolanola,

 

It doesn't sound petty to me in the slightest. Of course you want your ex to wonder about you. Everyone on here wants to know their ex is thinking/wondering about them. Nobody wants to be forgotten

[rounder08]

I don't think it's petty either. To be honest, that is my thinking during this initial phase. I want her to wonder about me, and to wonder why I'm not contacting her. It's natural. My thinking right now is that I do want her back still, and I want her to miss me and realize what she could have had. It's not the right mind frame, nor is it the right reason for NC, but hey you can't change your feelings over night.

 

By the way, it's Day 3 of NC. In the past this has been the day of some sort of contact by either of us, and luckily for me I will be distracted all day with work to think about contacting her. My motivation is waiting for her to contact me, and then ignoring it to see if I do have the will power. The longer it takes her to contact me, the easier it becomes.