I'm jealous that my fiance has been married before- how do I stop comparing?

[pippa]

Hello,

 

I am preparing to get married to a man I love dearly, and who loves me very much. We have had a few ups and downs and communication issues, but have worked through our problems and are moving happily forward towards marriage. Things are obviously not perfect, as they never are, but we know this is what we want. We believe we are soulmates.

 

The problem is, he has been married before, to his childhood sweetheart and I am very threatened by this. He tells me he loves me more than he has loved anyone before, and I do believe him. Yet I am constantly comparing myself to his ex-wife and asking questions about their life, and his past, worried that it may have been better. I also tend to ask questions about their wedding itself, hoping ours will be better etc. It's as though I am always competing with the ghost of his ex, trying to be the best! They are friends now, but she lives in another state and has also met someone else. They were married 6 years, before she cheated on him and it ended.

 

My bf has been very reassuring, but now says it's time I moved on, so WE can move on. I know he is right, I just need some help in letting go. I think I had a fairytale idea that I would find the man I wanted to marry, and be his FIRST choice for a wife, so that the wedding/honeymoon etc would be a first for both of us. I have stumbled upon his old wedding photos which made me even more worried and insecure.

 

I hate being insecure and silly about this, and really want to focus on the present with the man I love! I am getting counselling to help improve my self esteem and sense of being worthy of this love and belief that this really is the best thing my bf has ever experienced.

 

Anyone with other advice on how I can put this in perspective and keep it there?

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

He seems to love you enough to want to marry you and live a life with you.

Don't compare his past to your self,his past is no longer with him (get what I'm saying?).

 

He didn't seem happy in his past thats why he left her.

He met you and he wants YOU,so don't think about his good times that didn't last.

So don't compete with someone who's not there,to pose a threat.

[moimeme]

The reason exes are exes is that the people they were with no longer wanted to be with them. It is more than foolish for you to continue in this line of thought. Trust me on this, he's not thinking about her except when you bring her up. You better quit this quick or suffer losing him.

 

This is about your insecurity about yourself. Seek counselling if you can't unstick your obsessive thoughts.

[pippa]

Thanks for the sensible words...I know you are right. It's up to me to get my head around this and stop sabotaging what I've got. Sometimes it helps seeing the advice in black and white. And I am getting counselling, which is helping me stamp out my insecurities and fears, which seem to be the real cause of the problem.