mm4184 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 So my ex and I broke up last September but really stopped seeing each other January. Things got worse than when we first broke up and now we don't talk at all. The problem is, 2 of my close friends help him out with his work in the entertainment industry. One of those friends have been my best friend since grade school. Long story short, things got complicated having that connection and there was a lot of "he said, she said" crap and supposedly I told them they can't hang out with my ex, etc when all I asked for is some sensitivity in the matter and just lay off him so I don't have to hear/see him. There's some hidden issues that I have no idea about that my ex is mad at me about and I think it has to do with them. I tried to resolve it because I just want us to be ok but now my friend got offended and is ready to give up on the friendship and my ex de-friended me on Facebook and never responded to me when I tried to resolve stuff. There's lots of false accusations and misconceptions in the issues so that's why it's just complicated. I know I should just drop it, but I'm the type of person that can't settle unless everything is ok and fixed. I don't think there's much I can do or say but really, I just want my ex and I to be on good terms... I know you're all gonna say I shouldn't care and should just drop it, but it's hard to do that with someone I cared about and loved for so long. It hurts a lot. The pain of the breakup is less but it's still there... And now it's like I'm breaking up with my friend. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions? Advice? I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want to be happy...
BCCA Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 He dumped you, I assume? Here is one thing I've learned from relationships: you're never going to make everyone happy. Everything is never going to be ok and fixed, and honestly 'fixed' is a matter of opinion. Seems like your ex 'fixed' things his way. The first thing that comes to mind, and I hate to even say this, but are you sure your friend and your ex dont/didnt have something going on? I would NEVER take my friends ex's side over theirs, even if they were dead wrong. You stick with your friends through thick and thin, support them, and try and be understanding. Why in the world would you want to hear/see about your ex? Thats pretty basic respect, and should be obvious to anyone that you dont. Any friend that would flip out on you like that because you asked her to stay away from your ex, and spare you from hearing about it isnt really a great friend to begin with. Honestly, seems like there might be more going on than you know about. I see it all too often, people just totally diss their best friends for a guy/girl.
Author mm4184 Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 Thanks BCCA. No, there's nothing going on. She used to like him but he made it clear how much he DIDN'T like her that way. She's never had a boyfriend. Not that she's ugly, she's just too shy. I'm sure she likes his brother and wants to stay in their company because it's what she wants to do with her life I guess (entertainment/TV industry) and told me that I can't help that they all became friends while my ex and I were together and it's not fair to "choose sides" and "be territorial". So I understood, but I never said she couldn't hang out with them, I just said to be more sensitive about it. I DON'T want to know (as much as I do) about him. If that makes sense. I guess he did "fix" things his way because he's the type that doesn't resolve and just "moves on" from the issue without ever fixing or talking about it. Not a very open guy. And I keep telling myself, why the hell do I want to be with someone like that, plus he was an a$s the last few months... but I do love him. Not like before, but I do care. Yeah, he was the one who wanted it and he's also the one to first contact me a month later and start seeing me again only for everything to get messed up worse than it was when we first broke up. Now, seems like he hates me. I shouldn't care and it should push me to forget about it, but it hurts like hell and I just don't know how to get past it...
Ronni_W Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 She used to like him but he made it clear how much he DIDN'T like her that way. It is possible that his feelings about her changed, though. Quite easy to happen when two people are hanging out, sharing an interest, working on something they're both passionate about...and just plain hanging out -- we get to know people better and the 'deeper person' can be recognized as attractive. Would also make sense from how your friend is distancing herself from you (possibly due to feeling guilty) by "misinterpreting" what you were asking of her as far as talking about your ex. If this has happened it would suck, of course. And might just be the 'thing' that'll push you forward...to the brighter and happier days ahead.
Author mm4184 Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 I'm almost positive (99%) that it's not that. But she really just doesn't understand because she has never had a BF (or even have sex) and I'm also almost 99% positive that she likes his brother haha. Sometimes, I do wish that they would get together only because then I would not have to keep hearing about him trying to talk to random girls and also because I know she's not exciting at all. Not being mean, just telling the truth. Plus, it would mean that I would have a reason to really move forward and just say F*ck it, downgrade for sure. Instead of always wondering (it's gotten better, I don't wonder as much) who he's seeing or liking, whatever. I just need to get past the fact that we just might not be able to ever be on good terms again and also my friend and I. I'm a very emotional and caring person so to lose 2 people that meant so much to me and just get the cold shoulder for some unknown and probably false reasons, just hurts. I just don't want to hurt anymore! I look back at how horrible I was when we first broke up and I'm so glad I'm past that, but there's some little string that keeps me hanging there and I just want someone to cut it since I can't seem to find a way to. I just want to be happy...
Ronni_W Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 mm, You've obviously got some comparison/judgment going on about your friend. While you say, "It's just the truth...I'm not being mean," it STILL is you being mean-spirited. And maybe she's become more sensitized to that type of energy/vibe and no longer wishes to have it in her life. Who could blame her, really, for distancing herself from it? but there's some little string that keeps me hanging there and I just want someone to cut it since I can't seem to find a way to. I experienced something similar a few years ago. I ended up doing a guided imagery thing, and I did manage to "cut the string" the 2nd time I tried the, er, "procedure." If you're open and willing to trying that, maybe Google 'chakra cording' or 'chakra decording' -- I'm not sure which is the proper term. I do hope that you will find the happiness that you seek. It isn't "out there", of course, so it doesn't depend on others being "less than" you (a "downgrade" from you.) You are perfectly worthy and deserving of being happy in your own right...without any comparisons to anybody else.
Author mm4184 Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks Ronni. Did you do the chakra thing for a breakup? I do have some ill feelings towards her because EVERYONE agrees that it's just NOT right to continue to be friends, especially REALLY close friends with your best friend's ex. Well, I guess we're not best friends anymore for that matter but it's just that she never had a relationship so everyone just thinks she just doesn't understand. I even told her I accept that she wants to be in the industry he works in and all that stuff but that I would appreciate some sensitivity because having her in my life would mean he would still be there too. My main heartache I think is that my ex and his brother have ill feelings towards me now (there were none when we first broke up) because of false accusations and things that were said by her and another "friend" that made me look like a bad person and I don't talk to them so I can't really back myself up. I also feel that even if I tried, they would still be more on her side because she is the "innocent, drama-free" girl and I'm a very verbal person. I am NOT a bad person though and that's why it sucks. I know I should just let it go, but it just hurts. I know I can't please everyone, but I think it hurts more because I loved him for so long and now we're like strangers. I just don't understand how he can just forget and just "hate" me or whatever while I still think of how close we were and all the good times. I'm so annoyed at myself but I can't help it sometimes! I can distract myself more easily now, but it still lingers.. Any other suggestions? I miss him
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