writergal Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 My ex-boyfriend and a friend I'm in graduate school with both live in the same apartment building. I introduced them last winter when I dated my ex. This past weekend when I was visiting my friend at her apt., (I posted about my run-in with him in another thread here) I had a run in with my ex-bf, as she and I were leaving for dinner. The next day I called my ex-bf up to talk. When he answered, he said, "hello? Hello?" and then claimed he didn't recognize my voice. Whatever. He was totally lying! As we were talking, he made a strange comment, "oh, sorry, did I break this?" and i asked him if he was at his apt, and he said yes. I thought hmmm, I bet he's with someone. Then when I brought up my friend to him, and how awkward it felt to run into him 3 weeks after we'd slept together and that whole fiasco of him vascilating about whether or not he wanted to get back together with me within a 24 hour period (he said no the morning after we slept together, which made me feel like a complete fool), he mentioned "Oh yeah, I ran into your friend on Friday, she asked me for advice on getting her bike fixed." My friend failed to mention her asking my ex-bf for bike advice when I was at dinner with her. After I hung up, I wondered if he'd moved on to my friend, although she is 15 years younger than him, and has had a long-distance boyfriend she met her freshman year in college who had moved across the country. She's been dating this guy for 5 years. So I thought, god, I bet my ex is hitting on her now. What a jerk! Then on Monday I called my friend to say thanks for dinner (knowing that she withheld info. about my ex from me that night), and wished her a safe trip b/c she's going overseas for the summer. Well, when she answered, she was speaking very quietly, claiming to be in our university library checking her email. Mind you, there is only 1 floor with computers at the library where you can do this. And I was already *there* when I called her, because I was using the large photocopy machine for multiple print outs. And I didn't see her anywhere on that floor checking her emails! When she asked how I handled running into my ex that night, I said, "well I called him the next day and I'm fine." Then she was really sarcastic and said, "just keep telling yourself that and eventually you will be, ha ha." Well, I didn't let on that I knew she was not at the library checking her email, and said I had to go. Then within 10 minutes, my ex-bf texts me, to tell me he's been home sick all day and could I be flexible with getting together this week? I knew he was lying to avoid me, so I called him. He sounded perfectly fine. And I said to him, "look, you and I obviously do not work as a couple. I let go of any false hope I had for us after the way you treated me 3 weeks ago. I do like you and thought maybe somehow we could work out being just platonic friends....if not right now, maybe eventually." I'm pissed that I'm in this situation. My ex-bf is obviously a tool for being so wishy washy and not being direct with me about whether or not he's interested in my friend, as I suspect he is. I mean, she's a young, attractive, self-confident, has a long-term relationship experience under her belt, comes from a wealthy family, has spent the past 5 summers in europe on vacations with her family, and conveniently lives just down the hall from my ex-bf. I have let go of any false hope for a reconciliation with my ex-bf. And I accept that he's not emotionally invested in me, and that really, he's just toxic to me. And he has a right to date my friend/classmate if he wants. I guess I"m just jealous and pissed that I let him use me the way he did, because I can see those two moving in together or getting married and living happily ever after while I rot away in single-hood towards spinster-ville, either settling for a loser-type of guy out of desperation, or never meeting anyone with the qualities I seek in a life partner, and being alone the rest of my life. Should I confront either of them that I suspect they are dating? I know it wouldn't change the fact if they are. And i know it would make me look like a total stalker, harassing them about it. But part of me is sick of being so passive in my relationships. I just dont' assert myself when I should. And I don't know if I can ever change that about myself. So I come across codependent, clingy and needy when I really don't want to be any of those things!
Author writergal Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Does no one like me on this forum? That's the impression I get sometimes. Scorpio I think you're just being sarcastic, aren't you? I don't want to drag this out anymore than I have already with the ex-bf and make an even bigger fool of myself.
Scorpio13c Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hey sorry, You do come across as a bit of snob to me. That aside, I really think you have nothing to lose. I agree with you that something seems to be going on between your friend & ex. & it would bother me too. If you don't really care, which I doubt, call them both out on it, I would regardless. You will then know who your friends are, at the least & also know you had a crappy ex.
BW007 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 You shouldn't take comments so badly on this site, most everyone may be a little harsh at times, but that is because, usually the person needs to pull their head out of their ass or something.... Anyway, from personal bad experience the confrontationmay backfire in a big way, I confronted this guy who was scamming on my ex gf and it created exactly what I was fighting against, a united front against me. As they say, it takes two people who want the relationship. The only thing I got from my confrontation was some very short term satisfaction, then the opposite of what I was longing for, but ultimately the harsh crappy truth that the person I love was all done with me. But it wasn't a pack of lies anymore and at least I did not have to play private detective anymore. Really, you have to trust your instincts, because if you are feeling marginalized you are being marginalized.I think they are together, I think you are right, so you have a bad friend and boyfriend. Blech. bad situation. You need and deserve better people around you, believe it.
t0ri Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 If you were trying to find out if he and some random girl were hanging out/dating/etc, I'd say leave it alone. But since this girl is your friend, I say ask her. But some better advice that I have, is to stop being friends with this ex. I don't think you're over him, so friendship is not a good idea right now. Nor is contact, really.
notalone Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Go for it. But be prepared to be really pissed off later.
RogueAC Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Hey writergal Are you still spending time with your ex? Why is he texting you that he can't hang out? It sounds like there is still a lot of drama/mind games happening and everything is still to fresh for you to "become friends." NC might help you deal with your anger and process things faster. Also, how close of friends are you with this girl? Are you just classmates? Good friends? It sounds like you are acquaintances/friends – especially her sarcasm about your ability to cope with the ex. What do you want to accomplish by confronting them? ... But part of me is sick of being so passive in my relationships. I just dont' assert myself when I should. And I don't know if I can ever change that about myself. So I come across codependent, clingy and needy when I really don't want to be any of those things! Beyond the current situation -- dealing with codependent behavior is something you probably want to work on for future relationships (all relationships, not just intimate ones). Maybe start by building up your confidence/self esteem? There are tons of threads out there about that and a quick qoogle search will give you a place to
Author writergal Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I had spent time with him over the past month, but it was nothing substantial. Just a few visits to his apartment, never to mine, and the final visit we slept together (I know, HUGE mistake on my part). He texted me that he was sick and asked me to be flexible with my schedule this week. So I called him and he wasn't sick. He lied about that because he wanted to avoid talking to me again I am sure. My ex is a very shallow person - emotionally speaking - he lacks real depth. I don't want to be with someone like that after I view the situation rationally, void of emotion. He chose not to respect my feelings or be direct with me, instead just playing games with me, even while we dated I doubt he was emotionally invested. I was probably just 3 months of consistent sex and companionship but nothing more, no emotional bond for him to me since he got over me so quickly. What a cad! Me? What a fool! What a desperate woman I am! So, I'm guilty of letting him get away with his games b/c of my codependency and low self esteem issues. My classmate and I are definitely *not* close friends. She's 25 and I'm 38 and her sarcastic comment to me about how poorly I'm coping about my ex, was my fault because i disclosed information to her about the relationship to begin with. So, I set myself up for her sarcastic remarks. I think I am embarassed that I've shown my weakness and vulnerabilities to this 25 year old classmate of mine, and that I didn't stand up for myself with my ex-boyfriend while we dated. I just look like a complete fool to them both. I know I shouldn't care what they think of me. But I am ashamed that I showed MY true colors to two people who just don't care and who view me as weak, insecure and un-intelligent. My biggest fear is that I will end up the spinster in my life. That I will never meet another man who actually likes me for me, and wants an emotional bond with me, not just physical. I met my ex-boyfriend through an online dating website. Now through my own actions, I set him up with my classmate who lives down the hall from him. I wish that love was that convenient for me, but it's never been. I don't want to do online dating ever again, so I have to force myself to join a lot of social organizations to meet new people. Even doing that does not guarantee anything. I'm just really embarassed that I put all my eggs in one basket with a man who is obviously so wrong for me.
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