Somethings that really made me cope....and may you too!

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know we all cope in different ways and find comfort in different things but I thought i'd suggest something that really helped me personally (and trust me i've struggled just as much as you all are, none of you are alone, remember that firstly:)) Suffering does tend to make us feel alone but suffering is part of being HUMAN and entirely unavoidable in a lifetime. Suffering is actually the thing that unites humanity, it should not seperate us. You may feel you are alone, isolated and completely unique in your suffering, but no matter your story, your suffering is NOT entirely unique; you can bet a thosand other people have felt the same, thought the same, fretted the same...there's an odd comfort in that, like watching a horror movie with a friend and being scared together So maybe we are scared, worried, upset, hopeless...whatever you are feeling. We can all be that TOGETHER, none of us are alone, night or day if it becomes too much, come here and there are people who don't even know you, who care enough to reply to the pain you feel If a stranger can reach out to you, then F--- the person who couldn't be bothered to in real life, the one that brought you here.

 

Now enough of my ranting....lets get to the trick Its actually very simple and I hope it works for some of you

 

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed by emotions of any kind, we feel we are not capable/able to deal with them. Perhaps we have never had to face a situation like this before, or perhaps we never learnt how to cope with things alone. Different situations bring about different strengths/weaknesses in getting over a breakup.

 

1. They have cheated on or betrayed you - the most powerful stage for those who have had this experience is ANGER. It is important not to get stuck in anger....and not for the anger to elevate to a violent, self-destructive or illegal level i.e. don't hurt the ex, yourself or others. But anger is EMPOWERING. Use it. If someone you love has hurt you, they have handed you a blessing in disguise. Think about it; WHAT do you miss? You may miss the OLD them, the KIND them, but that person either was never really there, or checked out long ago. Use the ANGER of the betrayal to heal. Just like how fire can sear a sore wound shut, anger can heal the heart. Bitterness and resentment should be worked through but anger that EMPOWERS the self and belittles the person who hurt you, is a GOOD kind of anger. Get good, get, mad, get angry, just don't get even. Anger helps motivate you to look gorgeous, work out and feel STRONG. Anger gives you POWER in the helplessness and weakness. USE anger if you've been betrayed.

 

2. If they fell out of love with you - its usually harder to get angry. You are more likely to feel upset and depressed. Instead, be GREATFUL. Be greatful you got to experience love, understand there is no guarantee and you got to experience something great, sadly it didn't last, but there is no bitterness and no resentment. You can remember them fondly and happily without any trauma or scars. After all, they treated you respectfully, not badly. In this case, use the LOVE that remains for that person by channelling into other avenues. Love widens the hearts capacity to give...and the compassion learnt through suffering makes us all teaches who through healing others can heal ourselves. Put your love, compassion and possibly even that humble feeling of falling back to earth into helping others on this forum, giving to charity, helping people with REAL problems, who are abused or starving or beaten or raped. Use your own suffering to understand the sufferings of others and become a bigger, stronger person by helping those that are weaker, lost and struggling. Suffering can be a very humbling experience. I don't regret any of my own suffering because its opened my eyes to TRUE suffering and I aim to use what i've learnt to help people and animals that are too young, too lost or too 'stuck' to do so for themselves. Reach your hand out for someone less fortunate. No matter how low down the ladder you are, there is always someone a step below.

 

Now FINALLY to the trick.....

 

When you feel weak, incapable, useless, ugly, fat, boring, hopeless, jealous...WHATEVER they made you feel or the breakup makes you feel, try a visualisation technique.

 

I would imagine most of us have someone either in our real lifes or in the media etc that we look up to, that inspires us. Whether its a family member who fought in the war, a friend that left an abusive marriage, a celebrity who came from rags to riches - pretend for one minute that you are them. Say for example that you idolise Madonna.....the Madonna that dances and sings and doesn't give a F! Pretend YOU are Madonna. What would Madonna do? Would she care? Would she give up? Is SHE ugly, fat, boring or worthless? NO. Because she or *insert person here* is your idol! That person did it...so WE can too. Write down the 5 things you idolise most in that person and write a list of things you've done you should be proud of and have achieved. You may realise you have more in common with your idol than you realise...even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

Focus on a person who has:

* always bounced back

*always done there own thing no matter the judgement

* believes in their own happiness

* has suffered WORSE than you

 

Either borrow strength from the strong or lend the strength you have to the weak.

 

Focus on a person, movie, song (a powerful independent ladies song for the women and an adventurous happy go lucky song for the guys), book, ANYTHING that inspires you. It would suprise you the things that lend you the most strength in the darkness. The tiniest thing, gesture, smile or word can change EVERYTHING. So visualise yourself to the music, in the celebrities shoes, etc...you may need to really focus, think, write or draw to help the image gain strength. Once you find an image that offers comfort and strength....even happiness and power...hold onto this. You can use it AGAIN and AGAIN. For me right now, its 2 things; 1 is a song I wrote in the past that reminds me of my own strength. I listen to it on repeat to remind myself of what I am capable of. Another is thinking of myself as a little girl when I was scared or frightened....and knowing that that little girl didn't know she would ever get through those moments when she was afraid or alone, but she's here now all grown up. Just as right now you may be afraif or alone....the you in 10 years will look back knowing you'll be just fine.

 

I'm sorry that this is SO long, but I hope in some small way it may help at least one of you Everyone KEEP strong. We can all do it together

[huck]

Nice one Nikki..

 

Number 1 has some good stuff on if that person has cheated on you.. Is soooo tempting to get even and hurt that person ( i could of done ) - but it maybe takes a bigger man/women to walk away and channel that anger elsewhere..

 

Wicked post.

 

Huck

[Nikki Sahagin]

Personally, I just try to get my mind off things by watching tv, renting a movie, going out for drinks, or playing video games. The truth is, time will heal most wounds (though scars are a whole other topic). If you're dealing with something very upsetting, like being dumped, fired, or ditched, just get your mind off it until the feelings fade.

 

You may say I'm just escaping, but focusing on the issue only agitates the wound and prevents it from healing. Sometimes only time will give you the necessary distance and perspective you need.

 

Hope that helps someone too.

 

Definately agree that getting your mind off it is helpful I think sometimes there are things from the relationship that do need to be faced and dealt with...maybe lingering guilt, regrets, emotions.....but once you deal with them or if you have none to deal with, the best remedy is just to keep living as you say!

[Scorpio13c]

Great post Nikki!

 

So, do you look like Madonna too??

[Nikki Sahagin]

Great post Nikki!

 

So, do you look like Madonna too??

 

lol! I don't mind her...she just came to mind She's a powerful person