saddy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I had a girlfriend for 5 years, about 1 year and half ago, we decided to move abroad. She got transferred in the US and the only way for us to stay together was to get married. That's what we did, just the legal paper, no big ceremony. Then last October, she decided to break up. But we're still in touch and still married, so that I can stay in the US (if we divorce, I loose my visa). And for me, there's no way we'll get back together. After a few months of depression, I began dating a few girls, then began a more serious relationship about 2 months ago. I have never told her that I had been married and still am. But now things are getting more serious and I feel like I am falling in love for her. I cannot hold this anymore and know that I have to tell her... but I'm very afraid of her reaction. How should I bring it up? I wasn't expecting to find any kind of relationship and now I just don't know what to do. Need help! I have been for visa sponsorship but the current economy, it's very difficult.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 What she doesn't know won't hurt her. These sorts of things work themselves out. By the time it all forces itself out in th eopen, she'll either be long gone or already too attached to care. No need to expose the drama now.
paddington bear Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Oh no no no, I don't agree with that at all. I'd tell her at some point, maybe wait a while until you're in the absolutely sure that you're head over heels stage. And for future reference, next time, if there is a next time, I'd be upfront about this as soon as possible, just to get it out of the way...however, you're not in that situation. You say you're still in touch but that for you, there's no way you'll get back together...am I sensing a hint there that your (ex)wife would like to get back together with you...because that puts a different spin on things. If you're both ok with the breakup and have moved on well then I think you're freaking out too much. If your current girl loves you too, it shouldn't be a deal-breaker, it wouldn't be for me. Being still married to someone and not being emotionally over them, yes, major problem, being still married to someone and seeing them all the time, talking to them all the time, major problem. It's not like you didn't divorce her out of some hope that maybe one day you might get back together, you didn't divorce her because you simply can't if you want to stay in the country. So, just bite the bullet. I mean, what if your ex meets someone she wants to marry and wants a divorce, you can't suddenly just get deported or whatever and expect your current girlfriend to cope with a) that you're married and b) you can no longer stay in the country both at the same time. So, sit your girl down and simply tell her what you wrote here, plain and simple, tell her you're sorry you didn't tell her earlier, but you didn't know how to bring it up and the longer it went on the harder it got and that you didn't want to be dishonest with her. You then say it's hard to get sponsored in the current economic climate and ask for her help with that - that shows that you genuinely are only still married due to practical circumstances and if she feels like she can help you out of the situation you're in in order for you to stay in the country and get a divorce, she'll feel part of the solution to your situation and know where your heart lies. And don't worry, really, just read some of the LS posts here, many many intelligent, nice women put up with all sorts of crap from men and still stay with them, and this is not you being an ass****, treating her badly, just the fallout from a decision made prior to her being in your life, so I'm sure, while maybe a little shocked at your news, that she will not instantly dump you. Good luck with it.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Why do women always insist on honesty? If the only thing honesty can bring is drama then I say lie your face off until you absolutely have to tell the truth. I mean, who the **** is gonna jump off a the top of a building when a smal brush fire just broke out on the bottom floor. Don't get antsy ... you might get rescued.
paddington bear Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Because it's the best policy And because this is like some tenuous movie plot in a romantic comedy where the scriptwriter has to find some reason where the obviously perfect for each other main characters don't simply walk off into the sunset hand in hand happily ever after. Hmm...scriptwriter thinks, how can I cause problems between these two? I know! Guy has a big secret, afraid to tell girl, it's not the secret that's the problem, it's that he didn't trust her enough to tell her from the offset, so when she finds out (usually through some friend of relative unintentionally blabbing something about his wife). His girlfriend turns to him with shocked eyes "you have a wife???" and his bumbling reply is all she needs to realise that this is not the man she thought he was and she dashes away in floods of tears. However with the help of friends and family, she will get over her upset, the guy will do some big public display of his love, like a serenade, or dashing to the airport as she's leaving him and town forever and she will forgive him and happily ever after. Anyway...apart from the usual plotline for chickflicks, the point here is not that he was formerly married, but that he kept that from her, trust is broken, what other skeletons does he have in his closet? What else is he not telling me? By not telling her he's going to create even more drama down the line. There are some times when it is good to be honest, and I think this is one of them, as it's upsetting the OP to keep this secret bottled up inside. Other times where yeah, for sure, it's best to keep schtum, misguided drunken one night stand that you regret, regret, regret and will never repeat and the guilt is eating you up inside? Keep schtum and live with the guilt.
bean1 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I'd show your butt the door if I were her. You don't have to tell your life story to someone you are dating, but the least you can do is let them know that you are still MARRIED!
Author saddy Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Why are you so upset about it Bean1? I mean, seriously, I'd like to understand because that may be the way she'll react. It's not like I'm cheating on my wife: our relationship is over and moreover she knows that I have a girlfriend. I also told my girlfriend that I came here with my ex-girlfriend (ok, that's right, I didn't tell her we were married) and that I'm still in touch with her, as friends. Then the relationship I have with my wife is just administrative. I know that I should tell her. And there's nothing I wish more than being divorced and not having to worry about that. But that's the way it is: if I divorce, then I'm out of the country and then there's no relationship anymore.
bean1 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I'm not upset, I'm not the one dating a married man! Okay, so you view your marriage as purely administrative and no big deal. That's fine. That's you. Not many women view that as "no big deal" and the least you can do for this girl is give her the choice. You don't have an ex-girlfriend. You have a WIFE. You are a married man. You are lying to your girlfriend about being a married man. Just because you had no value in your marriage does not mean that SHE (your girlfriend) has no value for marriage. You can take the men's comments all you want on here - but I can't imagine much or any support from any women.
420honey Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Tell her ASAP, and tell her exactly what you told us. Her decision to accept your marital status won't depend on how long you've been together. If she isn't cool with it, you may as well lessen the heartbreak by telling her now. If she is cool with it, she will probably be happy that you told her sooner rather than later. If you keep it some big secret for years and years, and she finds out, she will probably be very angry with you and not want to forgive you for lying about it.
Author saddy Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 ok, but once again, what is the problem? I won't judge you. It's just that I'm trying to understand other people's point of you. And before I had been married and in this situation, I would probably have thought the same way. That's to say: "Uh, this girl is married, then I'm not interested!" But now I think that this is just a first impression. The fact that I am married doesn't change the way I am. I am not another person than yesterday because I am married. You know I'm writting here because I'm looking for help. I'm looking for a way to make her understand and accept the fact. If you're saying that telling her equals breaking up, then I'm ok with that. This is probably what I deserve for my past mistakes. But if there's any way I can make it work with her, then I'd like to try it.
paddington bear Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I'm not a man...and I think in this instance, yeah he has a wife, and sure there was a relationship attached to that wife, but the marriage was one of convenience not one that would have taken place other than for visa reasons from the sounds of it. It wouldn't actually bother me in these circumstances that he is still married, for he cannot get divorced without it turning his life upsidedown. What would bother me more would be the thought of losing the man in my life should his wife want a divorce. And this is a wife that would, under other circumstances, not be his wife in the first place and who he would now be divorced from if he could, it's not the same, for me anyway as say, him having a big lavish wedding, declaring his undying love in front of family and friends, promising til death do us part, then it splitting up and him not formalising it through getting a divorce. So, to me it's different than having a wife, wife, if you know what I mean. But Bean I take your point that his girlfriend may have different views on marriage than he does, but only he will know that. OP, I'm wondering why you told her you had a girlfriend who you were still friends with? I know it's a hard topic to bring up, however did you have some instinct that this might be a deal-breaker for her and so you were too afraid to say wife and blurted out girlfriend instead? I have a male friend who married a Columbian girl so she could get a visa, they didn't divorce and he subsequently met another woman, who he is still with, unmarried, both are happy, his previous visa marriage was not a problem for her, nor was the lack of a wedding to him. I repeat again, I think you should tell her, even if her reaction is to kick you out the door, you could not tell her and continuing to be dishonest will eat you up, what if things get even more serious and she starts to bring up the topic of marriage? You have to take the risk and explain all and hope for the best, she deserves to know either way.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Bro ... do NOT take a woman's advice here. I know all the romantic comedy scripts tell you to sit her down over a mochaccino and confess all of your sins because she'll storm off, the audience will suffer through a Streisand montage and she'll come running down the airport terminal at the end. But this is real life my man. There is absolutely no reason for you to bring this up now (other than to appease a bunch of plot-thirsty housewives on a message board). Do you play poker? Because you have a lot of outs here: 1. You might be able to solve your visa problems and skate through an easy divorce down the road, unbeknown to her. 2. You might get serious enough with this woman that you can play the honesty card in the spirit of "I just needed my visa a long time ago, and now that the process is resolved I can put it behind me" ... again, years down the road. 3. You may break up with this chick tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year? The point is ... you have ways to avoid the awkwardness of this conversation and the fallout that is sure to follow. Trust me, keep your mouth shut. This isn't hollywood.
normal Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you don't feel that it's a big deal, then why is telling her such a problem? Just tell her. She probably won't think it's a big deal either. Don't lead a dishonest relationship. Things could happen. Your "wife" might end up telling her somehow at some point, she might serve you with a divorce for no reason, a couple years down the road she might be asking why marriage isn't an option... Just be honest. If you feel like it's not a big deal, then it's probably not a big deal.
Author saddy Posted May 17, 2009 Author Posted May 17, 2009 I finally told her. I wouldn't say that she was pleased to learn that but she understands the situation. I feel much better about myself, now that I don't anything to hide. Thanks for your advice!
normal Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I am glad you decided to tell her... Not telling her could have turned into a very nasty situation. Honesty is crucial in relationships... It helps determine whether or not you truly are compatible among many other things. I wouldn't have expected her to take what you said lightly... But on the same level, I wouldn't expect her to completely flip her lid about it, given the circumstances. Good luck.
Mahatma Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 It is always a huge weight off the shoulders to let out something like that. I wonder though, what happens if you and this girl get serious enough to want to get married? Or what about if that other woman decides she wants to marry? ...Intense...
paddington bear Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I finally told her. I wouldn't say that she was pleased to learn that but she understands the situation. I feel much better about myself, now that I don't anything to hide. Thanks for your advice! Great! Bet you feel very relieved and I bet she'll forgive you for not telling her sooner.
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