Lack of affection

[LakesideDream]

I have been trying to work with him on this impotency issue. I thought between the two of us and his doctor, we were getting somewhere. Then one day, he says he doesnt want to try anymore. I know the not being able to have sex like he used to really bothered him and I cried with him. We talked about it through the night. I've spent hours and hours doing sexual things to him - not expect to complete the act - but trying to keep blood flow going. We've been busy doing what his doctor said, to keep the blood flow moving along regularly.

 

Maybe I am asking for too much here. Good point on finding out what his emotional needs are. Thanks for bringing that up. I will talk to him about that this weekend also. One thing I do remember him telling me is that I don't listen to him. He says he could be talking to me about something he feels is important, and I would be half listening because I'm on the computer or watching TV and only half hear what he said. He says that really pisses him off. He's right. I do that. Don't know why. But now when we are talking, I close the laptop and look him in the eye and really listen to him and I stopped interrupting in the middle of his conversations so he has been talking a lot more now and he's been more personal in things he talks about so that must be helping.

 

 

Hooked, the two of you and the Doctor may not be enough. It may take the two of you, doctor and a mental health pro, or... it may be that the damage is done. A very little know stat (go to google) is that 1/3 of men have zero ability to function sexually after prostate surgery. It's not something that is advertised, as what man would take the risk in his 60's (target age).

 

Many men communicate their love and affection sexually. If your husband is one of those he's been struck mute. I am involved in this thread because I have real compassion for your husband. While not afflicted as he is, I am at the age (59) where many of my friends and associates have suffered this. Half of them are in the situation your husband is... half! Universally they say that they wish they would have never had the surgery, and instead would have enjoyed more "good years".

 

I think you are underrating your husbands situation. As for the EA, my guess, and it's only a guess, is that the woman was a friend. Not a sexual friend, quite the opposite, she may have been a friend that he knew he would never be sexual with. Never feel the pressure of "being the man he was".... I would not want to be in your husbands shoes. I have faced my demons in life, and becoming an enuic isn't one I've had to face.

 

I seriously doubt two years is long enough for him to learn how to deal with his disability.... and it certainly is a disability.

[stuckinoz]

If he didn't want "anyone in "our" business"...he should have left HER out of it too.

 

Excellent point - He let HER into your marriage. - So I'd say that his excuse about letting others in on your personal business doesn't hold water.

I'd think that a MC would be WAY different than that. At least there's no history with this "Stranger" that would be trying to help you repair your marriage.

[HookedOnHim2]

As for the EA, my guess, and it's only a guess, is that the woman was a friend. Not a sexual friend, quite the opposite, she may have been a friend that he knew he would never be sexual with. Never feel the pressure of "being the man he was"....

 

You know, he was telling me that no way would he try to be sexually involved with anyone other than me. He said "I'm a man, I would be too embarrassed to try". I believe he meant that part.

 

I'm also thinking about what you said that she could be a "platonic" friend because he'd never planned to have sex with her. Thats what he's been telling me.

 

Okay, I sort of get that.

What bothers me were the number of calls that were made.

They called each other about 4-5 times a day, 7 days a week for 2 years that I can prove and as long as 5 years.

Early in the morning till late at night.

I think thats way too much and it signals to me that the relationship has some emotional basis to it.

 

I felt that they were sexual with each other before the surgery and afterwards it became a heavy duty EA since all he can do is talk.

 

Am I suppose to be okay with that and let it go on?

[pkn06002]

Can I make an observation?

 

You do seem a bit hostile towards your husband (my impressions by your posts), I understand the being mad but if you are hostile you will never get affection. NO ONE responds to hostility with affection, no one.

 

Be careful with your demands since the items you want need to come from the heart and are not things you demand from someone.

 

Yes your right if they were talking that much for that long it is past friendship.

[White Flower]

You know, he was telling me that no way would he try to be sexually involved with anyone other than me. He said "I'm a man, I would be too embarrassed to try". I believe he meant that part.

 

I'm also thinking about what you said that she could be a "platonic" friend because he'd never planned to have sex with her. Thats what he's been telling me.

 

Okay, I sort of get that.

What bothers me were the number of calls that were made.

They called each other about 4-5 times a day, 7 days a week for 2 years that I can prove and as long as 5 years.

Early in the morning till late at night.

I think thats way too much and it signals to me that the relationship has some emotional basis to it.

 

I felt that they were sexual with each other before the surgery and afterwards it became a heavy duty EA since all he can do is talk.

 

Am I suppose to be okay with that and let it go on?

You have every right to be hurt and angry that they spent so much time on the phone and together. There was a reason for it whether wrong or right and understanding it is the only to get beyond it. You might ask him gently what he got (or what he thought he got) out of the R with the OW even if it was only EA. It sounds like this is the only way you'll get him to open up. But you have to make it safe for him. If he fears you'll dump him or forever punish him he will never tell you.

 

Best of luck.

[HookedOnHim2]

You have every right to be hurt and angry that they spent so much time on the phone and together. There was a reason for it whether wrong or right and understanding it is the only to get beyond it. You might ask him gently what he got (or what he thought he got) out of the R with the OW even if it was only EA. It sounds like this is the only way you'll get him to open up. But you have to make it safe for him. If he fears you'll dump him or forever punish him he will never tell you.

 

Best of luck.

 

You are right also. I have to put my anger aside first. Then tenderly find out what he liked about being with her. If only I didnt know her...

[Owl]

Can I make an observation?

 

You do seem a bit hostile towards your husband (my impressions by your posts), I understand the being mad but if you are hostile you will never get affection. NO ONE responds to hostility with affection, no one.

 

Be careful with your demands since the items you want need to come from the heart and are not things you demand from someone.

 

Yes your right if they were talking that much for that long it is past friendship.

 

I don't think she's hostile...but I do think that she's at a point where she's expecting the samethings back from him that she's given him...even AFTER his affair.

 

Not unreasonable.

 

As far as the "demands"...this isn't far off from your own situation, Pkn. It's fair to point out that you have emotional needs that NEED to be met as part of the marriage. It doesn't justify going outside of the marriage to have them met...but it IS fair to attempt to make every effort to have them met within the scope of the marriage.

[White Flower]

You are right also. I have to put my anger aside first. Then tenderly find out what he liked about being with her. If only I didnt know her...

I'm sure this is the worst part of it.

 

I was involved in an A and I did my very best to ensure his W didn't learn about me or ever have to see me and wonder. I'm sure the visual, in any fashion, would be very painful.

 

Trying to repair a R after an A is the hardest thing to do. My hat is off to you for trying so hard for a man whose gone through such a life change. This attests to the fact that you really love him. I hope he realizes this.

[pkn06002]

I don't think she's hostile...but I do think that she's at a point where she's expecting the samethings back from him that she's given him...even AFTER his affair.

 

Not unreasonable.

 

As far as the "demands"...this isn't far off from your own situation, Pkn. It's fair to point out that you have emotional needs that NEED to be met as part of the marriage. It doesn't justify going outside of the marriage to have them met...but it IS fair to attempt to make every effort to have them met within the scope of the marriage.

 

Not my impression from her posts. But it really does not matter as long as she makes him feel save enough to talk honestly.

 

There is a difference between letting him fix things around the house instead of calling a repair man and deep kissing.

 

By demands I agree she can demand the open and honest but you cannot demand affection. Demanding something like affection is a real quick way to not get any. If she does get the "I Love You" I am sure she would like it from the heart instead of a forced phrase because it was demanded.

 

Why does everyone always want to bring my situation in when I post?

[Owl]

Why does everyone always want to bring my situation in when I post?

 

Not picking a fight with you, my friend.

 

But I'd suggest that the reason everyone brings your situation up when you post is because your posts (to me at least) reflect your situation...your view, your responses...clearly reflect your situation as much as they might reflect the situation you're responding to.

 

In this case...the hostility you note and the suggestion that she can't demand what she needs...seem to be a reflection of your own situation to me.

 

I think she CAN "demand" (although I'd say INSIST) on having her emotional needs met by her husband...its required for a functional marriage, and not unreasonable for her to expect him to meet her needs, as she's actively working to meet his.

[pkn06002]

Not picking a fight with you, my friend.

 

But I'd suggest that the reason everyone brings your situation up when you post is because your posts (to me at least) reflect your situation...your view, your responses...clearly reflect your situation as much as they might reflect the situation you're responding to.

 

In this case...the hostility you note and the suggestion that she can't demand what she needs...seem to be a reflection of your own situation to me.

 

I think she CAN "demand" (although I'd say INSIST) on having her emotional needs met by her husband...its required for a functional marriage, and not unreasonable for her to expect him to meet her needs, as she's actively working to meet his.

 

Reading too much into my posts. Which I can understand since we all have gone in-depth into mine. My situation does cover a lot of ground.

 

Anyway:

 

The "hostility" I note is just the tone I get from some of the OP posts. Text based communication does leave a lot open for interpretation. Which may or may not be there.

 

I can agree with your change to "insist" although when it comes of affection "request" would be better. Affection is a tough one for someone to just give if they do not feel it. Look at all the threads you read in the marriage forum where men want sex from their wives. Men (in general) view sex as affection, yet when they demand/insist on it what happens? The outcome is generally the opposite of what you wanted in the first place.

 

If the OP can figure out what the OW brought to the table and do a version of the same, she will more than likely get back what she is looking for. You made a good suggestion with the languages of love, since her and her husband sound like they speak differently. The only problem being that some of the languages are harder to want to do than others.

[Owl]

Reading too much into my posts. Which I can understand since we all have gone in-depth into mine. My situation does cover a lot of ground.

 

I could indeed be reading too much into your posts...but if I'm doing it, and others are doing it...LOL. But I hear you...it could indeed be happening.

 

Anyway:

 

The "hostility" I note is just the tone I get from some of the OP posts. Text based communication does leave a lot open for interpretation. Which may or may not be there.

 

I can agree with your change to "insist" although when it comes of affection "request" would be better. Affection is a tough one for someone to just give if they do not feel it. Look at all the threads you read in the marriage forum where men want sex from their wives. Men (in general) view sex as affection, yet when they demand/insist on it what happens? The outcome is generally the opposite of what you wanted in the first place.

 

If the OP can figure out what the OW brought to the table and do a version of the same, she will more than likely get back what she is looking for. You made a good suggestion with the languages of love, since her and her husband sound like they speak differently. The only problem being that some of the languages are harder to want to do than others.

 

I would agree...some are harder to want to do than others...but that makes them no less valid as emotional needs for some people. It's a good point tho.

[LakesideDream]

Folks, It's obvious that the OP's "emotional needs" are not being met by her husband. The reasons are what she's here looking for answers to.

 

Some mens "love language" includes fixing stuff around the house, helping out their mother in laws, working on automobiles... many men find it difficult to be verbal or to display affection outside the bedroom.

 

This is a rather unique situation. This man has been mutilated surgically, yes the goal was to save his life. Part of the mutilation occured in his mind. I cannot imagine waking up tomorrow morning to the real possibility that my penis might never become erect again. That's outside my personal field of experiance. I'm not sure how I'd react. Worse... I'm not sure how I would have reacted 10-15 years ago.

 

That's what this guy is going through, to total and complete loss of his sexual abilities, no more orgasms... no more pleasure from intercourse. Sure many will say "there are other ways"... but those may not be options for him. I believe he needs serious professional help for his post surgery mental trauma. What's happening in their relationship is being colored, or driven by a physical situation.

 

I can envision a senerio in which he wouldn't want to be held, loved, comforted by the woman he's shared a life of intimacy with. I can emote that it would be mental torture knowing he couldn't perform. His "EA" if that's what it actually was could be him reaching out for understanding from a person he has no memories with that he felt comfort from... without loving his wife less at all.

 

I cannot put myself in his shoes. Right now I imagine he's wondering if "all this" is actually worth the effort. Serious help is needed here. I cant imagine a situation that would cause a deeper Post Traumatic Distress. He's literally not the man he was previously.

[HookedOnHim2]

Well, my needs are not being met;

Obviously his needs are not being met.

 

I dont think its because of his impotency.

I think this whole problem is because he's in love with the OW but also has feelings for me.

 

Since he's been with her for a long time, he knows her lifestyle and knows she won't let him move in with her and he's not in a financial position to get his own place, so he stays with me but sneaks out to see her and thats what he's been doing for years and he was happy. He got everything he wanted in two women.

 

Now his affair has been discovered and he had to drop the OW to keep from being homeless. Doesn't mean he is there with me by choice. He is silently angry that I confronted her, made her cry, told my coworkers about them and he has emotionally withdrawn from me because now I'm the bad guy.

 

I think he still sneaks and calls her at work just to get his fix. Probably not daily, but he gets a call in every now and then. I'd bet my paycheck on that. Well, I can't do nothing about who he talks to at his office but I do no he's not talking to her when he gets home. He has no opportunity.

 

So he has withdrawn from me because I'm not letting him do what he wants to do.

[Owl]

You CAN do something about this.

 

You can INSIST that he change jobs...or lose you, and end up homeless (as you'd mentioned earlier).

 

You can make NC of ANY kind a requirement for continuing the marriage.

 

If you don't...then personally I feel that your marriage is doomed a slow, withering death.

 

Trust can never be restored while he still works with her. Your emotional needs will never be met. You'll never stop being angry/hurt/confused by the whole situation...and so, you'll never meet his needs fully either. You'll remain together for months, maybe even years...but neither of you will be happy or satisfied with your marriage. Eventually, one of you will cheat again...and you'll end up in a divorce.

 

Stop acting like he's got all the power here. Put on your big girl britches...take back control of your own life, of your own marriage.