Lack of affection

[HookedOnHim2]

My H never was a big huggy kissy type of guy. We've been married 22 years and I just uncovered a long term EA he had with a coworker. Since I've demanded total and forever NC and have viciously confronted the OW and he knows about it, he has shown a total lack of affection towards me and its pissing me off.

 

What are some causes for lack of affection?

 

I ask because these are the things that are happening now:

 

a) he does not want a divorce and I've introduced that possibility but he didnt bite;

 

b) the physical side of the marriage has improved 90% since the affair was uncovered (i.e. he gives me his paycheck, he fixes things in the house regularly, he's home all the time, he spends time with the kids, we go out as a couple to shows, dinner and other outside activities, he helps my mom out a lot, he is friendlier with our mutual friends more so than he was last year).

 

c) he is always making plans for our future (buying a new car, looking at houses, major repairs on our current house)

 

d) he's very tuned in to my health problems (arthritic knee and will have knee replacement surgery in July). worries about me all the time and tries his hardest to make me comfortable.

 

This is what is bothering me about him:

 

1) he will not touch me (no deep kisses, hugs, words of affection like "I love you")

 

2) sex is infrequent. he has given up on sex because of his prostate cancer surgery 2 years ago. He's a bit impotent and has given up trying to do anything more about it. He's tried all the drugs and other things and he has lost hope that he will get his sex drive back. I bought some Horny Goat Weed a couple of days ago and he's taking that. He's tried all the sex drugs but they do not give him the 'feeling', just makes him stand at attention. So he has lost interest.

 

3) I turn to him in bed and touch him, try to hold him and kiss him and he just lays there and does not reciprocate. I'm really getting pissed. I feel like I'm wasting my time with him. I'm only 52 years old and not ready to be celibate.

 

Could some of his problem stem from comments I've made within the last few months:

1) I threatened him with divorce if he broke NC with OW

2) I told him I didnt trust him anymore and he's just a big liar.

3) I told him I could live without him

 

Sometimes I think he won't touch me because he's angry that he feels I have the upperhand in the relationship. I wasnt trying to, he wasnt paying his personal bills on time and the creditors were constantly calling the house so since he was giving me his paycheck, I gave him what I wanted him to have and I've been using the rest to pay his personal bills and some of my bills. I wonder if he is angry that he gave me that power. Never did it before. He used to just give me what he thought I should have, kept the rest and paid his own bills himself. That didnt work out too well.

 

I want to talk about this lack of affection with him but if he all of a sudden decides to be honest and tell me the truth about how he feels and tells me that he's angry that I made him breakup with OW, I might be tempted to hurt him. I guess if thats the reason, I should just go and file for divorce? My gut is screaming that its about her (his lack of affection).

 

Do you walk away from 22 years or fight?

I don't know if I have any fight in me. I'm too pissed to fight.

I'm pissed because he chose to get involved with someone I know. How in the world do I function when I see her at work (the good thing is all three of us work in separate buildings and sometimes he deals with me but has absolutely no dealings with her department). Me and OW have mutual friends because she used to work in my department and she used to come over to visit but after our confrontation she stays the hell away from here. The couple of times I've seen her, all I thought about was, "what did he tell her about me?", "what did they do together", "does she think she got my man", and alot of other things come to mine that I wouldnt feel if I didnt know her. I so wish she was a stranger. Knowing her makes it really hard to get over this.

 

I also sometimes thinks that his lack of affection is on purpose to make me kick him out. If thats the case, he's right. Thats exactly what will eventually happen.

 

This would be so much easier if he acted like a total ******* and flagrantly continued to see OW with no regards to my feelings. Then it would be easy to tell him to get the hell out.

 

Other than no emotional closeness, he's killing me with kindness and I don't know what to do. I cant keep living this way. I want to be in love, I want a man to show he loves, tell me he loves, deeply kisses me and makes loves to me with a great passion. I havent had that in about 15 years and the last several months its been worse.

[stampdaddy]

If he is willing to do so much other stuff, I bet he would be willing to go to Marriage Counseling. Have you thought of this? Nowhere in your post do I see "communication" about your issue...

[HookedOnHim2]

If he is willing to do so much other stuff, I bet he would be willing to go to Marriage Counseling. Have you thought of this? Nowhere in your post do I see "communication" about your issue...

 

I've ask about marriage counseling and he turned it down. I gave him the book "Not Just Friends" and he didnt read it. I've printed out all kinds of articles and he gets pissed and puts them down.

 

He has convinced himself that he doesnt need help. He is adamant when he says she's just a friend. He says he knows his boundaries and would never have a love affair with anyone else. He says I just have to trust him.

 

I guess some of that explains why he put himself on "house arrest". He hasnt left our home since D-Day #1 (July 2008) unless he's going to the store or we are together and of course when he goes to work. I asked him why he stays home and he says because he doesnt want me to think I'm out with another woman. I encouraged him to go out last Saturday and he went to the bowling alley and hung out with friends and was home by 9:00pm. I was shocked. For years he would leave home early evening and not come back till 3 or 4am. He did that during the work week too. Now I cant push him out of the house. Sometimes it drives me crazy because now I have no privacy. Its like he's overdoing it.

 

I told him that if he is doing right, it will show. The trust will eventually come back by his actions.

 

But he still won't touch me.

[stampdaddy]

Well, this seems to be over my head. It does seem that there are communication issues. I mean, really, what would it hurt to spend one hour a week at couples therapy, marriage counseling or whatever the hell you want to call it. SOmetimes I think that the terminology scares people...

 

OR, he is afraid of the truth that the marriage has problems, so he is avoiding having it actually brought to the surface, OR there is truth below the surface he doesnt want to come out, truth inly he knows, ie: OW

 

I would make an appointment and say, "join me darling, in an attempt to help our wonderful marriage, OR get the f*ck out!"

[HookedOnHim2]

 

OR, he is afraid of the truth that the marriage has problems, so he is avoiding having it actually brought to the surface, OR there is truth below the surface he doesnt want to come out, truth inly he knows, ie: OW

 

 

 

My honest opinion is this. For years he had a relationship with her and me and he was happy. Now he has been forced to end his relationship with her very abruptly when he wasnt ready. And now he's not happy.

 

I was also thinking that TIME might get his head out of the fog of their relationship. That if he continues NC, those feelings he has for her will dim. I'm just being myself (friendly, fun to be around, not judgemental at all) so if I stay this way and not become bitter due to the lack of affection, then one day he will change his attitude.

 

What do you think?

[stampdaddy]

My honest opinion is this. For years he had a relationship with her and me and he was happy. Now he has been forced to end his relationship with her very abruptly when he wasnt ready. And now he's not happy.

 

I was also thinking that TIME might get his head out of the fog of their relationship. That if he continues NC, those feelings he has for her will dim. I'm just being myself (friendly, fun to be around, not judgemental at all) so if I stay this way and not become bitter due to the lack of affection, then one day he will change his attitude.

 

What do you think?

 

uhhhhh, me no no...

Could work, but I am here to tell you that everyone will tell you that when a couple isnt communication, it can serve as a "death nail". Still don't see what is wrong with a "date with the good doctor"...

[HookedOnHim2]

uhhhhh, me no no...

Could work, but I am here to tell you that everyone will tell you that when a couple isnt communication, it can serve as a "death nail". Still don't see what is wrong with a "date with the good doctor"...

 

 

I'll try again to ask him. I'm not holding my breath. We also need to have a good personal conversation all by ourselves. Our lives have been so busy and things are finally slowing down and we will have some quality time to spend with each other to talk about our situation.

 

I recently quit my second job because our daughter is graduating from college this weekend!!!!! We bowl in three leagues and the season is now over. Our son's high school track season is coming to an end this week. So I think we will have alot of time on our hands to talk turkey.

 

The way I have described our relationship, he doesnt seem like a guy who wants out of his marriage does he? Could he be sorry but too proud to admit he messed up?

[stampdaddy]

I'll try again to ask him. I'm not holding my breath. We also need to have a good personal conversation all by ourselves. Our lives have been so busy and things are finally slowing down and we will have some quality time to spend with each other to talk about our situation.

 

I recently quit my second job because our daughter is graduating from college this weekend!!!!! We bowl in three leagues and the season is now over. Our son's high school track season is coming to an end this week. So I think we will have alot of time on our hands to talk turkey.

 

The way I have described our relationship, he doesnt seem like a guy who wants out of his marriage does he? Could he be sorry but too proud to admit he messed up?

 

again, I don't know, cause I don't know him.. YOU are the one who "know's him", so even posing that question leads me to believe it is a real possibility..

 

I am going to propose that your marriage is in REAL trouble. I don;t mean to freak you out, but since neither of you are "communicating" it could be that he IS waiting for kids to get out of school. He could just be going through the motions. All of the stuff he is doing around the house and hanging around could be out of guilt for A) the EA and/or, B) what he may be "planning" when the kids are done with school. OW could be "waiting in the wings" OR maybe he is done with "her", but the EA opened his eyes to what "may" be out there when he is "free" to go, again, when the kids are gone...

 

Or, maybe I don't know what the hell I am talking about and he is just laying there thinking about restoring old cars or his bowling game...

[HookedOnHim2]

 

Or, maybe I don't know what the hell I am talking about and he is just laying there thinking about restoring old cars or his bowling game...

 

 

you are funny! I'll keep you posted.

[Owl]

I didn't skim through this thread much, but here's a thought...

 

Have you read "The Five Love Languages", by Chapman? And/or "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley?

 

Both raise a simple concept. Certain things make people feel loved. And not everyone gets the same amount of benefit from the same exact things...some people "feel" love MORE through certain actions, where others may feel more love from a DIFFERENT set of actions.

 

Love "languages" if you will...or "emotional needs" from the Harley book.

 

Regardless, the bottomline is that your husband isn't doing the things that make YOU feel loved...and the question is also raised if you're making HIM feel loved too.

 

Read those book...INSIST ON MARRIAGE COUNSELING...and use these concepts to try to start ensuring that you're meeting each other's emotional needs...that you're "speaking each other's languages".

[carhill]

You will be 54 and know a bit better if this is going to work. Owl will tell you how long recovery can take. He's into it 5 years or so IIRC.

 

My best advice is to work on you. You can't force anything on H.

 

How long is "long term"? How long has he known the OW? That might give some clues as to how dense the fog is and how long recovery will take if he's willing.

 

What does he want from you? What does he feel has been missing in your M or that could be better? Getting him to communicate is key.

[HookedOnHim2]

Regardless, the bottomline is that your husband isn't doing the things that make YOU feel loved...and the question is also raised if you're making HIM feel loved too.

 

My husband thinks the way to show love is physical and I'd rather see love shown to me emotional. I appreciate all the things he has done for me and to me the past 22 years, but I would have loved it if he had included emotional love (saying 'I love you', deep kisses). Thats all I needed and he will not give that to me.

 

He is the type of person that needs to be needed. If you are in distress, he's there to fix it. I've been extremely independent and was not dependent on him for anything and what I hear from my coworkers is that the OW is very needy. She whines to guys about her "troubled" life and all the problems it entails and they try to make it better for her and I think my husband fell into that situation. Over the years, they grew on each other. She needs and he wants someone to need him and I didnt show that I needed him.

 

D-Days make you think about your relationship and you take it apart bit by bit trying to find what went wrong, what could have made him want to do what he did. In some of our conversations, he said enough to let me know that he needs someone to need him. He says he wants to feel that he is necessary in someone's life and that he makes a difference.

 

Well, since then, I've given up a lot of responsibility to him. I've let him handle all the issues with our children. That used to bother him. Mom handling all the emergencies, serious questions or situations that involved them, then telling him about it later after it has been taken care of.

 

I've been letting him make repairs in and out of the home instead of immediately calling a repairman like my husband doesnt even exist. So I've stepped back from trying to be "super woman" and letting him handle things and I'm seeing so much positive energy coming out of him. He's like a new person and it seems like his chest has 'pumped up' a bit.

 

I've been so used to handling things, it is now a joy and a comfort to know that I dont have to anymore and he is handling things and I don't have to look over his shoulder to make sure he's doing things right. Less stress on me.

 

So now he's getting from me what he has needed for years and he's absolutely loving it. I can see it in his face, he's walking a lot lighter, like he has a spring in his step, he smiles a lot again.

 

Now if he can just show me some emotional love, we will get past his affair and I'll never look back on it again because we are both getting the most important things we needed out of this marriage.

[confusedinkansas]

I don't think that MC is always an answer. Yes for some maybe. But it isn't always as cut & dry as....Go see a doctor & get it figured out.

AND....What wife allows her husband to stay out until 3 & 4AM...Holy Crap. Perhaps "allows" is a bit of a controlling word - but seriously - Who does that when you're in a marriage? As I tell my grown children - Nothing good happens after midnight. What the heck is he - WAS he doing out SO late anyway?

[angie2443]

I skimmed through your other thread, so I'm sorry if I missed something or am misunderstanding something.

 

I don't see how you can make your relationship work if your husbands is still in contact with this other woman. I don't think MC will work since your husband seems to be in contact with the OW and is so disrespectful to you. The only way I can see that there might be a chance, is if you tell your H that if he doesn't end the friendship and doesn't go to MC, you'll end the marriage. If you do this, you'll need to be prepared to follow through. Even if you do do this, and your husband goes to MC, it still might not work. Your only alternative (as I see it), however, is that you stay in a marriage in which you are bieng disrespected and your husband is having an EA with another woman.

[HookedOnHim2]

AND....What wife allows her husband to stay out until 3 & 4AM...Holy Crap. Perhaps "allows" is a bit of a controlling word - but seriously - Who does that when you're in a marriage? As I tell my grown children - Nothing good happens after midnight. What the heck is he - WAS he doing out SO late anyway?

 

He said he was playing chess. He goes to the all night chess places (coffee shops). Its a group of middle age guys and they play till the wee hours of the morning. Thats a perfect excuse if you are cheating on your wife.

 

Since D-Day, he's been home everyday single day so it makes me thing he wasnt playing chess after all - he was playing her!!!!!

[stuckinoz]

YA THINK?! All Night Chess ~ Wow, that's a new one on me! The thing is you were ok with this. HOW? How are you ok with this. I know that you are probably going thru the "Hind Site is 20/20" moment. But sheesh!

He sounds to me like he's acting like a child. Pouting because YOU took his favorite toy away & he's going to make you pay dearly for that.

Totally UNFAIR ~~!!

[stampdaddy]

he said he was playing chess. He goes to the all night chess places (coffee shops). Its a group of middle age guys and they play till the wee hours of the morning. Thats a perfect excuse if you are cheating on your wife.

 

Since d-day, he's been home everyday single day so it makes me thing he wasnt playing chess after all - he was playing her!!!!!

 

 

check mate!!!

[HookedOnHim2]

I don't see how you can make your relationship work if your husbands is still in contact with this other woman. I don't think MC will work since your husband seems to be in contact with the OW and is so disrespectful to you. The only way I can see that there might be a chance, is if you tell your H that if he doesn't end the friendship and doesn't go to MC, you'll end the marriage. If you do this, you'll need to be prepared to follow through. Even if you do do this, and your husband goes to MC, it still might not work. Your only alternative (as I see it), however, is that you stay in a marriage in which you are bieng disrespected and your husband is having an EA with another woman.

 

I have given him this ultimatum. He knows its a deal breaker if he is still talking to her. I don't think he's talking to her (other than the Happy Mother's Day text. She replied. I noticed on the cell phone detailed billing that he texted her and she texted back. I sneaked a peak at his phone and saw that he sent a 'canned' happy mother's day text to a lot of females, most of them I know and she was not one of them so he erased his message to her and he erased her reply so he knew he should not be doing that with her.)

 

He has not really had a chance to have the relationship with her that he had before D-Day. He doesnt leave the house, he hasnt called her on the house phone or his cell phone, he put his secret prepaid phone in the closet. If he got another secret phone, he's hiding it at work and only talking to her at work. She's in another building and they do not have to work together and his work keeps him busy all the time so if he calls her, its not a leisurely conversation.

 

I'm not worried about that right now. He's being super secret because he knows how I feel about the two of them. He knows what will happen if they have contact.

 

This weekend we will be in a position to be alone for two nights without anyone around. We are going to have a conversation about this relationship. This is what I plan to tell him:

 

"Since you are so adamant that you two are just friends and there's no romantic involvement, tell me about your relationship with her, what do you talk about on the phone, tell me more about her and why you chose her to be the one you want to talk to all the time. I want to imagine being there with you two. Tell me what happens when you go to her house (he's going to try to convince me that he didnt spend time at her house), give me all the details of your "platonic" friendship.

 

He's not going to do it because I don't believe it was platonic. Then I will tell him that is why I will divorce you if you keep contact with her.

 

I'm looking forward to this conversation because he has bombarded me with his protestations that I'm making too much of this and she's nothing to him but a friend, and I need to let this go and move on, and the he is where he wants to be - with me. I'm curious of what stories he's going to tell me or try to tell me. He might try to convince me to let them stay "friends". There is no way I can do that but maybe I can make him understand why its so important that he keeps NC because it will permanently damage his marriage with me.

 

He claims he wants to stay married. I tell him that I'm not sharing him with her. He says she's not an issue and I don't have to feel threatened. Well, he could help alot by explaining his relationship with her - in detail.

[stuckinoz]

You keep talking about checking his phone. 1st of all - that's no way to live, always checking up on him.

But while you're at it, have you thought about emails. IF he isn't calling her - do you know for sure that he's not emailing/IMing at work. Or better yet - phoning her from his work phone.

 

Seems to me he is adimate about keeping in contact with this woman & to him it's worth throwing his marriage away. I agree with other posters here - if he's not willing to give this up, it's kind of a slap in the face to you. To me it would mean, I"m not important enough.

 

My husband has a "texting" problem with other younger girls. Yep, I do check his phone. And I hate it!! I would rather just trust. But it's getting less & less now that we are working things out.

[HookedOnHim2]

You keep talking about checking his phone. 1st of all - that's no way to live, always checking up on him.

But while you're at it, have you thought about emails. IF he isn't calling her - do you know for sure that he's not emailing/IMing at work. Or better yet - phoning her from his work phone.

 

Seems to me he is adimate about keeping in contact with this woman & to him it's worth throwing his marriage away. I agree with other posters here - if he's not willing to give this up, it's kind of a slap in the face to you. To me it would mean, I"m not important enough.

 

My husband has a "texting" problem with other younger girls. Yep, I do check his phone. And I hate it!! I would rather just trust. But it's getting less & less now that we are working things out.

 

He's not a computer person. Doesnt have email. I told him he needs to start using the computer more but he hasnt yet. If he's talking to her, its at work only. He has no other opportunity even if he got another secret prepaid phone.

 

Just desiring to talk to her sends me through the roof! He says I'm jealous and I tell him he is disrespecting me and he says I'm making too much of it.

[LakesideDream]

Hooked, you certainly are setting the agenda here. It seems that everyone here may be missing the elephant in the room, your husbands prostate cancer.

 

Virility is a powerful thing. Your husband has lost something that drove his live since puberty... and it seems you are treating it as a "ho hum". You want I love you's and deep soul kisses from a man who lost his ability to have erections two years ago. Seems that you might be better served trying to find out what, if anything reaches him sexually or emotionally.

 

The "EA" may have been with a person who posessed those tools, who could reach the emotional need in him. You might want to find out what those needs are between him fixing your mom's house, and staying busy around yours.

 

As to the personal finance issue. I can't hold that against him either. When you have no idea what tomorrow brings (health and life wise) it's hard to pay attention to your VISA balance.

 

OP, you seem harsh to me. I hear zero compassion for your husband in your posts. Having knee surgery doesen't equal cancer and losing the ability to have erections, horny goat not withstanding.

[HookedOnHim2]

Hooked, you certainly are setting the agenda here. It seems that everyone here may be missing the elephant in the room, your husbands prostate cancer.

 

Virility is a powerful thing. Your husband has lost something that drove his live since puberty... and it seems you are treating it as a "ho hum". You want I love you's and deep soul kisses from a man who lost his ability to have erections two years ago. Seems that you might be better served trying to find out what, if anything reaches him sexually or emotionally.

 

The "EA" may have been with a person who posessed those tools, who could reach the emotional need in him. You might want to find out what those needs are between him fixing your mom's house, and staying busy around yours.

 

As to the personal finance issue. I can't hold that against him either. When you have no idea what tomorrow brings (health and life wise) it's hard to pay attention to your VISA balance.

 

OP, you seem harsh to me. I hear zero compassion for your husband in your posts. Having knee surgery doesen't equal cancer and losing the ability to have erections, horny goat not withstanding.

 

 

I have been trying to work with him on this impotency issue. I thought between the two of us and his doctor, we were getting somewhere. Then one day, he says he doesnt want to try anymore. I know the not being able to have sex like he used to really bothered him and I cried with him. We talked about it through the night. I've spent hours and hours doing sexual things to him - not expect to complete the act - but trying to keep blood flow going. We've been busy doing what his doctor said, to keep the blood flow moving along regularly.

 

Maybe I am asking for too much here. Good point on finding out what his emotional needs are. Thanks for bringing that up. I will talk to him about that this weekend also. One thing I do remember him telling me is that I don't listen to him. He says he could be talking to me about something he feels is important, and I would be half listening because I'm on the computer or watching TV and only half hear what he said. He says that really pisses him off. He's right. I do that. Don't know why. But now when we are talking, I close the laptop and look him in the eye and really listen to him and I stopped interrupting in the middle of his conversations so he has been talking a lot more now and he's been more personal in things he talks about so that must be helping.

[Owl]

 

Now if he can just show me some emotional love, we will get past his affair and I'll never look back on it again because we are both getting the most important things we needed out of this marriage.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

The trick here is to communicate the NEED for him to do so. Set the expectation that he do so...and potentially suffer the consequences when he doesn't do this.

 

He might not understand what you need. He might not understand how important this need is to you. He may not understand the impacts of not meeting this need.

 

Or...theoretically...he may know all of this and simply not care.

 

You need to decide how critical this is for you...and make sure he knows it too.

 

This is why I suggest MC...because a lot of times hearing it from someone "else"...especially an authority figure...brings it home more than hearing it over and over from your spouse.

 

Make sense?

[HookedOnHim2]

This makes a lot of sense.

 

He might not understand what you need. He might not understand how important this need is to you. He may not understand the impacts of not meeting this need.

 

This is why I suggest MC...because a lot of times hearing it from someone "else"...especially an authority figure...brings it home more than hearing it over and over from your spouse.

 

Make sense?

 

Yeah it make perfect sense. He doesnt want others "in our business". He doesnt want to open up to a stranger so MC is out.

 

One thing we do well is talk. Since D-Day, I've had a hard time talking to him about his affair because I've been so pissed about it. I just wish it had been with someone I didnt know. This is why its so hard for me to deal with it. If I hadnt known her for 20 years, it wouldn't feel like such a slap in the face to me. I feel like I've been betrayed double.

 

A few months have now passed and I'm not as totally pissed as I was before and I think I can now have a rational conversation with him about it. Yes, I think we can discuss his needs and what have not been met and how she was able to meet them. Yes, I think he will open up about that.

 

What he probably won't open up is the extent of his relationship with her. Due to the years they've been together, I'm thinking they've had a sexual relationship before the surgery and he doesn't want me to know that. If I did not know her, its possible he would have told me the truth. But since he knows I have to see her at work, it wouldn't be smart to tell me all the "nasty" stuff they've done together.

 

I am hoping and praying that we can talk this out for how ever long it takes and come to some understanding with each other. 22 years is a lot of years to waste.

[Owl]

I understand...my wife and I had been married 17 years when she had her emotional affair.

 

We've recovered very well...but it took at LOT of effort on both our parts...and about a year of MC as well.

 

If I were you...I'd tell him point blank that this is NOT his choice.

 

If he didn't want "anyone in "our" business"...he should have left HER out of it too.

 

You NEED this kind of assistance to recover from the damage he's done by bringing her into it.

 

And as far as his not wanting to tell you the whole story....again...too bad. He's got to recognize that the biggest thing he's destroyed here is your TRUST. The only way to recover is for him to rebuild that trust...and that only happens by telling the complete truth, no matter how much he wants to avoid that. It happens by his demonstration of trustworthiness...and you'll never believe in that if he refuses to open up completely about the affair.

 

Get a copy of "Surviving an Affair".