Sinnamon Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 hi everyone...just out of curiosity, what do you all think of this.... my mom (extremely old school mentally) thinks that women should marry men who love them more than they love them, that way women would lead "happy, fulfilling, and worry-less" lives. that way women would not have to be afraid of their men leaving them, cheating on them, they wouldn't have to cry over men etc... and if women married men who they are in love with, it would do no good because women would spend their days worried about where the men's been, what he's up to etc etc.... and then my mom brought up the issue of security in a marriage...being loved more by a man would give you more security. she says i'm better off marrying someone who will love me more...he's well educated, stable, secure, and puts me above everything else. sounds good, right? and even if i didn't love him now, time and being devoted to someone will eventually make me sway... what do you guys think? marry for love and passion, or marry for security and comfort?..... i wish i could have both, but i don't think it's possible to find in one person....not for me at least.
delirious Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you have experienced great love and passion, and you marry for comfort and security, you will get bored after a few years. But comfort and security is what you need when you have children. I personally do not think that love and passion last anyhow. But hey, I am cynical and not in my twenties. It is all about degrees of love as to whether it lasts as it changes over time.
Trialbyfire Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you're going to marry, hold out for it all. Anything less and you're settling, so you might as well not bother. As for cheating, there are people who will cheat and those who won't. No one has a crystal ball or can mind read, regardless of how much they believe they can. Trust in your gut instincts and take your chances in life. You'll survive, since the reward is well worth the risk.
Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I agree with TBF - don't settle for anything less than everything. I can't imagine remaining in a relationship, nevermind getting married, if I didn't have BOTH passion and comfort.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I don't see the point of being in a relationship for 'security'. I understand it to a degree.....but I mean, you might as well be alone and find that comfort from friendships, family, employment, children etc. Supposedly passion and desire fades anyway.....but I believe in crazy love and I think it can last a lot longer than you'd think There is no right or wrong though; 2 people can marry for comfort or 2 for crazy passion. Either way there is no guarantee a marriage will last. I think there needs to be more behind the passion alone though....otherwise when the passion fades off, there will just be two strangers with no interest in one another. I think passion and security are possible to find in tangent....but rarely. I mean how many nice girls/nice guys could you settle with that would bore you senseless? And how many bad girls/bad guys could you be with where the rollercoaster would be immense...but it would drive you insane? I think we all search for the balance. Otherwise its all a roll of the dice, who lasts and who doesn't. Your partner can destroy the relationship/marriage single-handedly in five minutes if they wish too...its teamwork where one partner pulling out is detramental.
GoodOnPaper Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 she says i'm better off marrying someone who will love me more...he's well educated, stable, secure, and puts me above everything else. sounds good, right? and even if i didn't love him now, time and being devoted to someone will eventually make me sway... Is there someone like this in the picture? I think the key quality is secure. If he is truly secure, he'll sense that you think you are settling and call you on it -- such a guy may indeed be a keeper. what do you guys think? marry for love and passion, or marry for security and comfort?..... i wish i could have both, but i don't think it's possible to find in one person....not for me at least. I'd go for love and passion if at all possible. As my LS name implies, I'm the well-educated, stable, nice guy that was never exciting enough for women. Ironically, I ended up with a woman who was crazy about me from the get-go, but whom I never felt any passion for. I figured my feelings would grow with time, but they really haven't. I believe you need that crazy-in-love phase to set the foundation for the long-term intimacy that is critical down the road.
jwi71 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you're going to marry, hold out for it all. Anything less and you're settling, so you might as well not bother. As for cheating, there are people who will cheat and those who won't. No one has a crystal ball or can mind read, regardless of how much they believe they can. Trust in your gut instincts and take your chances in life. You'll survive, since the reward is well worth the risk. Yup...I concur completely...my next wife will have EVERY quality I am looking for...nothing short of hitting the few requirements I have...honesty, loyalty, integrity, intelligence...that's not asking for much is it?
mark982 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 i'm in a marriage of comfort. don't do it,you'll regret it.
scrunchy Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Can't we have both? But with great passion, there are always incessant and sometimes irrational fears of losing our great love. And not only that, but it can or will destroy a person. If only one could avoid getting so emotionally intertwined and attached, because there is nothing more destructive than getting your soul crushed and broken down into tiny astronomical particles. Sometimes I wondered If my soul even existed anymore. The pain can be ever-consuming. I would suggest not allowing your whole life to revolve around one person. Have a career, friends, hobbies, and interests. Enough to take up your time when your heart gets broken down and practically cremated. But after all of that? Marry for security or love? I must be a masochist because I would probably marry for love or not at all. Security is good, but it doesn't make you feel alive or whole. It just makes you feel somewhat content and somewhat empty.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Marry for friendship and teamwork primarily, and passion/security can be a side item. Those two wax and wane anyway, and when passion and security are at the lowest points it is nice to turn to your spouse and have a rock solid friend underneath it all. It sucks terribly to have passion/security drop to nothing, turn to your spouse and find someone standing there looking back at you with mutual dislike. Make sure you absolutely like the person regardless of how much or little passion/security there is. That 'like' is what keeps marriages going through even the roughest of times.
Snafu Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 i'm in a marriage of comfort. don't do it,you'll regret it. I could not agree more with that statement. I have been in a comfortable marriage for a long time. It’s very lonely just being comfortable. I would look for both and not settle for anything less.
Trialbyfire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Yup...I concur completely...my next wife will have EVERY quality I am looking for...nothing short of hitting the few requirements I have...honesty, loyalty, integrity, intelligence...that's not asking for much is it?The three aren't as easy to find, as one might think. Look for someone with strong ethical boundaries. The ones who shift their boundaries around, will do so when they need to rationalize selfish actions. I believe they call this being "open-minded".
Author Sinnamon Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Is there someone like this in the picture? I think the key quality is secure. If he is truly secure, he'll sense that you think you are settling and call you on it -- such a guy may indeed be a keeper. I'd go for love and passion if at all possible. As my LS name implies, I'm the well-educated, stable, nice guy that was never exciting enough for women. Ironically, I ended up with a woman who was crazy about me from the get-go, but whom I never felt any passion for. I figured my feelings would grow with time, but they really haven't. I believe you need that crazy-in-love phase to set the foundation for the long-term intimacy that is critical down the road. GoodonPaper, if you're all for love and passion then how come you're with your current partner now? did you believe that you could possibly fall in love with her or grow to love her as time goes on? or was it because she was soooo good to you that you felt like you owe it to her to give it a try?
Author Sinnamon Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Can't we have both? But with great passion, there are always incessant and sometimes irrational fears of losing our great love. And not only that, but it can or will destroy a person. If only one could avoid getting so emotionally intertwined and attached, because there is nothing more destructive than getting your soul crushed and broken down into tiny astronomical particles. Sometimes I wondered If my soul even existed anymore. The pain can be ever-consuming. I would suggest not allowing your whole life to revolve around one person. Have a career, friends, hobbies, and interests. Enough to take up your time when your heart gets broken down and practically cremated. But after all of that? Marry for security or love? I must be a masochist because I would probably marry for love or not at all. Security is good, but it doesn't make you feel alive or whole. It just makes you feel somewhat content and somewhat empty. thank you for sharing scrunchy, i think deep down inside i'm a masochist as well.
Author Sinnamon Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 thank you everyone for your insight, they are much needed... i think my mom is slightly biased lol... i think her problem was (and i love my parents to death) that she married my dad, loving him more than he loved her. but throughout their marriage they have never talked to us (children) about any problems or issues they've encountered, so i have no clue... i'm going to finish my post-doc studies in a couple years and it is expected of me to get married when i'm finished. this scares me, so so much. my mom is dead set on me marrying, and having children asap... she keeps saying that women aren't young forever, beauty fades, and while you have a good man in your life, cherish him. and that when i'm 80 the most important thing is family, children and a good husband. i got engaged because i was scared of being alone and not finding "the one", i know that's really selfish... my fiance? and i have our issues and i have told him that i'm unsure of marriage and want a break a while back. since then he is constantly supportive and keeps on loving me despite this (he's the nice guy, too nice, the great-on-paper typ). this makes me feel so guilty, that he is trying so hard and putting so much effort into making us work, still knowing how i feel about all this. meanwhile my mother thinks we're in lalaland, she's so happy that it pains me to think i have to break any bad news to her, i don't want to disgrace my family because my parents have announced to everyone we know that i'll be getting married. my friends have no clue either. so my friends and family think we're still together and happy. hence my question....would you marry for love or comfort?... i'm still searching for that answer.
GoodOnPaper Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 GoodonPaper, if you're all for love and passion then how come you're with your current partner now? did you believe that you could possibly fall in love with her or grow to love her as time goes on? or was it because she was soooo good to you that you felt like you owe it to her to give it a try? I was so terrible at attracting women that at the time, I figured I had to take what I could get. I thought love, passion, and everything else would work themselves out as I moved forward to the next stages in life. There was also the guilt factor, as you point out. Having felt that women always dismissed me prematurely, I couldn't bring myself to do the same thing.
LonelyTiger Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 hence my question....would you marry for love or comfort?... i'm still searching for that answer. Sinnamon, I think you can stop searching! The question is 'would you marry for love or comfort?' I think, in your heart, you already know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning this marriage. Personally, I couldn't marry a man I didn't love.
pandagirl Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I think people require and need different things, and it's most important to find someone who has the same ideas about relationships as yourself. For instance, two people who want comfort instead of passion will work out great. For me, I need that spark in the beginning, but I expect that to fade into comfort and security with warm fuzzies and the occasional blast of passion from time to time. I just want to adore the person I'm with, which isn't the same as passion, but it still feels pretty good.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 i got engaged because i was scared of being alone and not finding "the one", i know that's really selfish... my fiance? and i have our issues and i have told him that i'm unsure of marriage and want a break a while back. since then he is constantly supportive and keeps on loving me despite this (he's the nice guy, too nice, the great-on-paper typ). this makes me feel so guilty, that he is trying so hard and putting so much effort into making us work, still knowing how i feel about all this. hence my question....would you marry for love or comfort?... i'm still searching for that answer. Your mom just wants the best for you. If you marry and become deeply unhappy with it... I don't think that is what she intends. If your not in love with your Fiance, your going to hurt yourself and him by going through with the marriage. As a guy I can tell you that I would NEVER marry a woman that doesn't really love me. I would be very upset if she just tried to fake it and never tell me. You are in a tough position.... whatever you do it is going to hurt.
Author Sinnamon Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 i know deep down inside i have the answer to my question. it's just that all this time i've been trying to avoid the inevitable, hoping that i wouldn't have make the hard decision...i guess i didn't want to be the "bad one" but i've gone about it the wrong way all this time. i'm going to end everything once and for all and tell my family things they don't want to hear, but it has to happen. he has to find someone who will love him, just as much as he loves me. it's going to hurt everyone, but it's the right thing to do in the long run. also, for anyone out there who's in a similar situation....if you're unsure about something, just wait it out, don't jump into things. because climbing back out is hard.
LonelyTiger Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Good luck Sinnamon. That's a brave decision and I wish you all the best. You will find the right man for you and, when you do, you'll be ready to commit yourself to him for life - no hesitation!
SummerBreeze Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 i'm in a marriage of comfort. don't do it,you'll regret it. I agree. A life without passion is a hard price to pay for comfort. It's very lonely. You're making the right decision. **hugs**
tami-chan Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 If I was single...PASSION, of course! I can provide the comfort to myself!
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