LadyV Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I love to read. I love to journal. I love to talk to other's who are going through what I am going through for support as well as advice. I think that this has helped me tremendously posting to this site. As a matter of fact, I KNOW it has.... I just wanted to share a book, not trying to single out women, so men, if you are going through this same thing, please don't think that I am just saying women are going through this... I picked up the book. "It's called a BREAK UP because it's BROKEN" by Greg Behrendt, and Amira Ruotola-Behrendt. Greg also wrote the book, "He's just not that into you." I came across it in the self help section at Barne's and Noble. This book is AWESOME. It puts a funny, yet truthful spin on all that we, coping are going through. Even though it mainly talks about what women are going through, the same principles can apply to men too.... I am at the part of the book when you are going through "He-tox" or in an man's case, "She-tox" There are 7 commandments that they mention 1) Don't see or talk to him/her for 60 days...NC!!! It seems like such a long time, but this time if for ME to let go and grieve, I am on day 10, and I do have to say, I am further than I was 9 days ago!!! 2) Get yourself a Break up Buddy- A friend to vent to or help hold you accountable during the no contact. It doesn't mention if it should be someone of the same sex, in my case, I have a few break-up buddies. One male, and 2 females. They have been tremendous support. The male is single, and one of my closest friends. I think that when it comes to talking to someone of the opposite sex, I would take into consideration if the he had a girlfriend or wife. If that were the case, he would NOT be one of my break-up buddies. 3) Get rid of his/her stuff and the things that remind you of him/her. When my XBF and I FIRST broke up, yes, there were 3 of them, I got rid of everything. Letters, cards, pictures, stuff he game me . I didn't trash it, I just put in in a storage unit. Out of sight out of mind... 4) Get your ass in motion every day. I find myself trying to sit, sulk, not want to do anything. I have actually had to force myself into doing something I don't want to do, but need to. It has helped me a lot! I am hanging out with friends, doing extra stuff with my kids and for work. It's hard to want to do ANYTHING when you are in a depressed rut and feeling so alone. 5) Don't wear your breakup out into the world. Everyday I have been putting on my make up, making sure I look my best. Not that I am going to run into my XBF because I know I won't, he dosen't work anywhere near me, and we don't have the same mutal friends...but I make sure I look my best, and don't wear my emotions on my shoulders. I hold it together, and only those very close to me know what is going on. 6) No Backsliding!!! I think that this is self explanitory!!! I blocked my XBF's number through my cell company. Even his email is blocked out of my yahoo account. He has me blocked on his FB so there is NO reason for him to contact me unless he tries to come over, which I know he will never do. It helps to know that as each day passes, that is 1 day closer to the 60 days of no contact.... 7) It won't work unless you are number 1. Again, self explanitory!!!! I'm not going to settle for less!!! There are many other suggestions, like journaling, as well as some exercises in the book that you can do. They journaling has me focusing on ME, not on HIM. Before, I was looking for answers for him. WHY did HE leave? WHY did HE hurt ME? Not, it has me asking..."How much do you value yourself? What are you worth??" In the very back of the book, there is 1 chapter for men. Saying that although it was written for women, the same principles apply... This is how I've been coping. Reading, journaling...trying to put the focus on me, my kids and so far, it is working!!! I have to still take it moment to moment, and remember that I am worthy and loveable...and not worth all this heartache that I have allowed myself to go through.... Just wanted so share.... Sorry if there are a lot of typos.
Author LadyV Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thank You!!! I'm trying...and I'm learning so much. XBF was the first relationship after my divorce. I was married for 13 years. I didn't date for over a year, to discover myself...I thought that when I met XBF, it would just be a casual thing, but quickly, I realized I was falling...and hard too. This is a lesson; I need to come first, no matter what. Although I thought I had put myself first, quickly, I fell into the same person I was in my marriage. I lost Me...or what little I knew about me. I really am not going to date for a year...maybe just have casual hang-outs, but nothing serious like what happend with XBF and I. My XH and I have a great relationship now, almost 2 years after he left and it is about the kids. It isn't like we hang out or anything like that because he does have a girlfriend. It doesn't bother me much, she is amazing with our children, and that is all that matters. What remains is that I was willing to lose myself in a relationship that we doomed from the beginning. It was a rebound, I see that now, but I still fell in love, I still had hopes and dreams for us, especially when he would talk about a future... My XBF is a classic commitment phobe. I dont' care though. Although I saw through FB that yes, he is seeing someone else, it brings me relief that I no longer need to walk around on eggshells and wonder where we are headed, because we are done. I just want to learn from this, and move on and meet someone whom will give me what I need....and learn to establish borders next time so that I do not end up in the same boat!!!
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