sally4sara Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 How interesting.... The OP starts a thread asking if being an adventurous and freedom-loving female might hurt her chances in finding a partner and everyone assumes she is talking about being promiscuous. And I though I woke up in 2009. Now that clarification has been made, is this a matter of men preferring a woman who will set her wants to the side for his wants? Say she has plans to go para-sailing with two old college pals and it ends up being the same weekend as his family reunion. Would it be odd to men if she didn't cancel her plans? Would they cancel on their friends to meet her granny?
carhill Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Say she has plans to go para-sailing with two old college pals and it ends up being the same weekend as his family reunion. No worries. Have a great time. I know my way to the reunion. Now, here's the key. That support has value. Value is a two-way street. When the value begins to run one-way, the health of the relationship deteriorates. Hence, with this example, I would want to feel encouraged to keep to plans I had made for myself even if she had a family event where it would be assumed that we both attend. Two-way street.
BCCA Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 To be blunt, almost every woman Ive met who said they were free spirited, freedom loving, etc...really just meant they were selfish, and dont take it too hard if they do whats good for them 100% of the time, even at your expense. I feel like people that have to announce their free spirited ways are really just providing a disclaimer that at any time, they could bail or seek greener pastures.
stepka Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 To be blunt, almost every woman Ive met who said they were free spirited, freedom loving, etc...really just meant they were selfish, and dont take it too hard if they do whats good for them 100% of the time, even at your expense. I feel like people that have to announce their free spirited ways are really just providing a disclaimer that at any time, they could bail or seek greener pastures. Mmmm, I disagree--I'm one of those freespirited women and I managed to be successfully monogamous for 25 years. Of course I made every attempt to include him in my adventures and most of the time he did go, but not always, which was fine. The biggest adventure we had was traveling around the world a couple of years ago and I took him and the kids. So loveslife, I knew exactly what you meant and it wasn't promiscuous sex. When our marriage broke up it was instigated by him.
BCCA Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Its not limited to just free spirited folks, but I find that people who need to announce 'who they are' are usually providing a disclaimer, and excuse for any behavior that they want to associate with it. For example, I cant tell you how many people asked me to bum a smoke, and then turned around and told me how they really dont smoke, but blah blah blah. Or you get someone telling you that they dont think they have a problem drinking, and they control it well, and all that - then they tell you how their entire family thinks they have a problem. When you really ARE something, there is no need to announce it. People will see. But I find that when someone tells you how they are, its usually wrong.
paddington bear Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Its not limited to just free spirited folks, but I find that people who need to announce 'who they are' are usually providing a disclaimer, and excuse for any behavior that they want to associate with it. For example, I cant tell you how many people asked me to bum a smoke, and then turned around and told me how they really dont smoke, but blah blah blah. Or you get someone telling you that they dont think they have a problem drinking, and they control it well, and all that - then they tell you how their entire family thinks they have a problem. When you really ARE something, there is no need to announce it. People will see. But I find that when someone tells you how they are, its usually wrong. Well said BCCA - I never thought about that, but it's true. And heh heh I used to say 'It really takes a lot to make me angry' (it did!) and I'm finding recently reserves of anger that I didn't know existed...so I've decided not to say that any more (in my defence friends have said 'I can imagine you would have to be pushed quite far to lose it like that') - but yeah, I'm the kind of person who...you're dead on, a lot of times it is a disclaimer for whatever behaviour is to follow.
Isolde Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I consider myself very free spirited and somewhat more spontaneous/adventurous than average (I don't do extreme sports or anything like that, but I do like to go off exploring on my own sometimes). I am willing to give up some of this freedom in a serious relationship or marriage if I ever have one, but I am NOT willing to change my lifestyle for just any guy I happen to be dating. The assumption is that with anyone I'm compatible with, we'll be able to set mutually agreed-upon boundaries.
Woggle Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I love women like this but women who feel the need to anounce to the world how independent and free spirited they are send up a red flag. Like somebody else said it is usually a cover for more negative qualities.
carhill Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Any difference if she just is adventurous and freedom-loving, rather than talking about it? Does a man have an inherent need to feel needed and, when faced with an independent-minded woman, feels unneeded, regardless of how much she might otherwise love and value him? Does it undermine his desire to dominate and lead?
paddington bear Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I consider myself very free spirited and somewhat more spontaneous/adventurous than average (I don't do extreme sports or anything like that, but I do like to go off exploring on my own sometimes). I am willing to give up some of this freedom in a serious relationship or marriage if I ever have one, but I am NOT willing to change my lifestyle for just any guy I happen to be dating. The assumption is that with anyone I'm compatible with, we'll be able to set mutually agreed-upon boundaries. Yeah but have you explained to the guy you're dating now 'sometimes I like to just take off for a couple've days, that's just me, don't worry about it, it doesn't mean I've dropped off the face of the planet and I'll always let you know when I'm back'. Or do you just suddenly disappear to do your thing leaving him wondering what the hell happened? Thing is, you don't have to change your lifestyle, but it's only polite to keep the current person in your life somewhat informed of your movements and intentions. You won't get to the serious relationship or marriage point with anyone if you flake out on the guys you date - I mean, this is the assumption I'm making, or maybe you've let him know you'll be gone, off, poof? If you don't, there's no guarantee any guy is going to hang around until you decide to reappear and then welcome you back in their arms, he's just going to get tired of it. If you keep him in the loop it's more likely (if he likes you) that he'll say 'Oh yeah Isolde, she's off on one of her little adventures that she likes to do, I'll see her next week' and then it's not so much of an issue.
Isolde Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 PaddingtonBear, I guess I didn't quite grasp the OP's understanding of free spirited. I would never take off for a few days without letting someone I was dating know about it. If I had a bf, I would probably invite him along anyway.
Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 GQ - you make perfect sense. I don't necessarily agree that's the way a man should think, but it still makes perfect sense.
Author loveslife Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Hahaha this board is like playing a game of telephone. Things get really distorted. I didn't say drop off the planet. I did say that the guy would be welcome to join me (hence, I would inform him of what I wanted to do) but if he didn't have time or interest, I might just want to go myself anyway. I tend to be the one to give more in relationships, in part, I think, to compensate for what I believe is a habit of wanting to take off now and then. I try really hard to make the other person feel valued. But with the guys I've been with it seems that no matter how "progressive" they seem to portray themselves as, they feel a little put off when I want to take off by myself. And this is an issue I've struggled with a lot. I am "announcing" it this way here not because I am looking to form a romantic relationship with anyone on this board (and want an excuse for some future irresponsible behavior) but because I'm curious how people respond to this type of thing. I really appreciate the feedback. Some of it was very valuable. Thanks everyone!
carhill Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 But with the guys I've been with it seems that no matter how "progressive" they seem to portray themselves as, they feel a little put off when I want to take off by myself. Describe their words/actions which you interpret as "put off". You: I'm heading to the UK for a few days later this month to do some shopping. Wanna join me? Him: ???
BCCA Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I am "announcing" it this way here not because I am looking to form a romantic relationship with anyone on this board (and want an excuse for some future irresponsible behavior) but because I'm curious how people respond to this type of thing. I'm guilty of misunderstanding, or just not reading everything. What youre saying is not only perfectly acceptable, but healthy, IMO. I think its good to do your own thing, and your attitude of 'id like you to come, but am fine if you dont want to' is AWESOME! Far too many women feel that us guys should just jump up and down at the opportunity to go shopping with their girlfriends, etc. I'm sorry, I seem to have misunderstood, and then I got carried away with the other posts I was replying to lol Describe their words/actions which you interpret as "put off". You: I'm heading to the UK for a few days later this month to do some shopping. Wanna join me? Him: ??? Curious as well, if you dont mind.
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 LL, I have had some experience with these kinds of things you are talking about. I assure you, guys say one thing but they think another. I have had, if I do say so myself, a very exciting life. I've been overseas many times, I have a lot of friends, and I am always out and about doing something. I do need some alone time as well, but when you sit down and chat with someone about the places you've been and things you've done, a lot of people (guys and girls alike, of any age) are intimidated by a person who is brave enough to do something that they always dreamed about. For example, the bravest thing I have ever done, without a doubt, was ten years ago when I traveled to Egypt. I was a 24 year old white woman in the middle of a Muslim country ALONE. How many people, men or women, would be brave enough to do something like that? Not many. I am a very verbal person in terms of wants and needs. If I want to do something, I get up and DO it, without anyone standing in my way. Quite honestly, it intimates people. They only sit and dream about doing things, and when someone goes out and DOES it, they get jealous or wonder what else you're capable of.
Author loveslife Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 LL, I have had some experience with these kinds of things you are talking about. I assure you, guys say one thing but they think another. I have had, if I do say so myself, a very exciting life. I've been overseas many times, I have a lot of friends, and I am always out and about doing something. I do need some alone time as well, but when you sit down and chat with someone about the places you've been and things you've done, a lot of people (guys and girls alike, of any age) are intimidated by a person who is brave enough to do something that they always dreamed about. For example, the bravest thing I have ever done, without a doubt, was ten years ago when I traveled to Egypt. I was a 24 year old white woman in the middle of a Muslim country ALONE. How many people, men or women, would be brave enough to do something like that? Not many. I am a very verbal person in terms of wants and needs. If I want to do something, I get up and DO it, without anyone standing in my way. Quite honestly, it intimates people. They only sit and dream about doing things, and when someone goes out and DOES it, they get jealous or wonder what else you're capable of. Thanks Mortensorchid. I think you do understand. I'm one of the lucky ones. I was raised with a great appreciation of travel - and with a great comfort doing so. Was taken all sorts of places from a very young age. In my 20s I was encouraged by my parents to just pick up and go someplace new (to see it, not to move necessarily) if I was so inclined. And I learned the great joy and freedom of traveling on my own. Never was I worried or scared. Yet others would think I was so brave. I also went to Egypt, although not alone. That must have been wild. A good friend of mine (white woman, blonde hair) went to Egypt on her own but I think she did it with a tour, so not really on her own. This past weekend I decided last minute to go to Canada. Sheesh, not the frickin' moon and yet so many people have been FLOORED that I just picked up and went across the great northern border for three days ALL ON MY OWN and without much planning. To me it's nothing extraordinary other than the freedom I feel doing things like that, which is a great feeling. While I was away this weekend one of my exes called on my cell (which I had with me). He was floored that I was in Canada and that it was so spur-of-the-moment. Even though he knows that I've traveled a great deal on my own. He did seem a bit intimidated. I'm like you mortensorchid, if there's something I want to do, I do it. Life is for living. And I also think you're right that men may say it's fine with them if a woman does things on her own but it's really not. Thanks for the input.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I can't stand traveling. Its such a ****ing hassle. I don't even like leaving my state ... which happens to be one of the smallest in the union.
Author loveslife Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I'm guilty of misunderstanding, or just not reading everything. What youre saying is not only perfectly acceptable, but healthy, IMO. I think its good to do your own thing, and your attitude of 'id like you to come, but am fine if you dont want to' is AWESOME! Far too many women feel that us guys should just jump up and down at the opportunity to go shopping with their girlfriends, etc. I'm sorry, I seem to have misunderstood, and then I got carried away with the other posts I was replying to lol Curious as well, if you dont mind. See, but where I've gotten in trouble is the whole, I'm fine if you come and I'm fine if you don't mentality. It seems (at least in my impression) to be taken as being uninvested in the relationship. Like I could take him or leave him. I try and compensate at times and end up feeling like I'm coming across as overly needy, which I hate. I can't think of a specific example of a conversation I've had. But it's late and I'm tired. I can say that two of my more serious relationships have been with men who, after me, went on to be with really weak and needy women.
Author loveslife Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I can't stand traveling. Its such a ****ing hassle. I don't even like leaving my state ... which happens to be one of the smallest in the union. I love to fly. I love the feeling of the plane lifting off from the ground and seeing the world below in a whole new perspective. Yeah, travel can be a hassle but I still see the fun and excitement in it.
Glenn Quagmire Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I love to fly. I love the feeling of the plane lifting off from the ground and seeing the world below in a whole new perspective. Yeah, travel can be a hassle but I still see the fun and excitement in it. **** that. The complete feeling of helplessness is too much. I don't care how many times people tell me I'm statistically more likely to die in a car on the way to the airport. Yeah, well at least if the engine dies or a tire blows in the car you can pull over and call triple A. If some **** goes wrong on a plane, your ass is dead. Not to mention the turban sitting in row 3, seat B might just have a dime bag of C4 in his shoe. No thanks. There is plenty to do in this country and alot of it that I haven't seen. And virtually all of it is accessible by car.
boldjack Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 LL, I think it has a lot to do with the type of man you are with. If he is a confident,person and you and him have good communication, then there should be no problem. My wife has been to S. Dakota on a fossil hunt, on a cruise to Alaska,WW rafting and bungee jumping, all without me holding her hand. She's a big girl and is very capable. I have gone places and done things without her, as well. We do most things together, but sometimes it isn't on, so we both enjoy telling each other about our trips, showing pics, and Homecoming.
Isolde Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 This is just something that every couple needs to navigate and set boundaries on. It's an issue of trust, personality styles, and also age/stage in life. Just one more reason not to get deeply committed to someone you're not absolutely in love with, and therefore willing to give up some things for.
carhill Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 OP, I sent my wife off on more adventures than I care to remember in the decade we've been together. Taught her as much as she could retain about traveling for cheap or free. Took her on mileage runs. Spur of the moment. Bla, bla. I like a woman who likes her space and me too. She liked more of the former When you find a compatible man, all this will become a non-issue. BTW, I was serious about beer in Frankfurt. Got the reservation held. Next Thursday.
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