Angry, hurt, and aching even when it's not worth it.

[wildsoul]

Wildsoul, you're an excellent writer. I am grateful for the support. Just to be nosy, you mentioned your affair with your MM resulted in his separation. What happened since then?

 

Second, you say you noted three things that would deter you from calling him when you missed him. I miss my ex MM (it's only been a month since this happened) and often, and I'm ashamed to admit this because of how he's hurt me, I still have strong sexual urges toward him. I am a lot younger than he is (twenties vs forties) and am considered very good looking, and most definitely out of his league (LOL). However I felt we connected in bed, and we had this immense sexual chemistry. His physical attraction to me was blatant, even over the phone, and with all this time apart it makes me wonder how he's coping without my loving. It seems a trivial thing to mention, but I guess what am trying to say is, is it normal to still have sexual feelings toward someone who treated you like dirt on the street?

I met him Jan 2008. He told me he was going to be separating, that she knew he was starting to date, etc. I set aside my rules about not dating a married/involved person and dated him. The usual falling in love, strong declarations from him of us being soulmates, white hot sex, etc followed.

 

Within 8-weeks, I got an inkling that his W didn't know he was dating. I broke up and refused to date him until he'd moved out. Within a month or so, he'd rented a room in a friends mom's house. I got back with him. So our actual "cheating" phase wasn't that long. But separation wasn't all THAT much different.

 

His W was patently opposed to D. They don't have kids, but she was unemployed and financially & emotionally dependent. He wanted to take his separation SLOW. Later, he moved into a real apartment.

 

I didn't want to be a mistress. The whole affair dynamic skews the relationship. You get all involved before you know even BASIC things about a person, such as how they live or keep house. I wanted to be in integrity, for us to date openly, and to decide about the relationship on it's own merits. His separation DID help me to get that. His abusive side started coming out. MOST of our time was amazing, but there's no such thing as a "little abuse." I had to end it. Didn't exactly want to, but HAD to. Make sense? Self-preservation.

 

I have no idea if he's still separated or not! Part of me assumes that he gave up the apartment, because it seemed like a lot of his motivation was doing it for me. I've wondered if he moved back in w/ the W (saving expense of the apt.) and if he found a mistress who's willing to cheat and not force him to move out. But those thoughts make me sad, and I try not to imagine it. I have to tell myself that it's NOT my business (or my problem) anymore. I just have to focus on me now.

 

WF is right about the sex stuff. Sure, I've had trouble letting that go. He was my perfect sexual match. We had that magic combo of heart connection and uninhibited passion that is SO rare. To be honest with you, I have a fear that I might never have that again and it makes me very sad. I can cry now thinking about it. But I'm smart enough to know that at least 50% of that equation was ME, and I get to take me into my next relationship. I've been dating and fooling around a little bit, but not ready to have sex with anyone else. I'm afraid I'm cry buckets, as there is still grief mixed in with my sexuality. His ghost is still there, mixed up with me.

 

But at almost 10 weeks out, it DOES get better. I will never date a separated man again! Too much drama.

 

And for the record: the MOST painful kind of affair is one where your heart is all involved and it seems like the MM is choosing you. Because that makes you want to hang in there, ignoring those red flags, and really getting crushed when the futility of it becomes real.

 

I am dumbstruck by women who justify their affair saying it's not just about sex, as if that makes it better. OMG. Looking back, I think the opposite is true. Sex-only affairs seem less devasting. These ones involving "soulmates" (as my ex was so into calling us) are dangerous.

 

It's been a big hard lesson to see how my vulnerabilties opened the door for me to look past so many red flags. That's what I need to work on now. I was never in an affair before. If I hadn't been at such a low point (post divorce, broke, lonely, moved to a new area) I wouldn't have done it. I'm sealing up the holes in that wall now.

 

How about you? Why did you override your common sense and get involved in the first place?

[White Flower]

I met him Jan 2008. He told me he was going to be separating, that she knew he was starting to date, etc. I set aside my rules about not dating a married/involved person and dated him. The usual falling in love, strong declarations from him of us being soulmates, white hot sex, etc followed.

 

Within 8-weeks, I got an inkling that his W didn't know he was dating. I broke up and refused to date him until he'd moved out. Within a month or so, he'd rented a room in a friends mom's house. I got back with him. So our actual "cheating" phase wasn't that long. But separation wasn't all THAT much different.

 

His W was patently opposed to D. They don't have kids, but she was unemployed and financially & emotionally dependent. He wanted to take his separation SLOW. Later, he moved into a real apartment.

 

I didn't want to be a mistress. The whole affair dynamic skews the relationship. You get all involved before you know even BASIC things about a person, such as how they live or keep house. I wanted to be in integrity, for us to date openly, and to decide about the relationship on it's own merits. His separation DID help me to get that. His abusive side started coming out. MOST of our time was amazing, but there's no such thing as a "little abuse." I had to end it. Didn't exactly want to, but HAD to. Make sense? Self-preservation.

 

I have no idea if he's still separated or not! Part of me assumes that he gave up the apartment, because it seemed like a lot of his motivation was doing it for me. I've wondered if he moved back in w/ the W (saving expense of the apt.) and if he found a mistress who's willing to cheat and not force him to move out. But those thoughts make me sad, and I try not to imagine it. I have to tell myself that it's NOT my business (or my problem) anymore. I just have to focus on me now.

 

WF is right about the sex stuff. Sure, I've had trouble letting that go. He was my perfect sexual match. We had that magic combo of heart connection and uninhibited passion that is SO rare. To be honest with you, I have a fear that I might never have that again and it makes me very sad. I can cry now thinking about it. But I'm smart enough to know that at least 50% of that equation was ME, and I get to take me into my next relationship. I've been dating and fooling around a little bit, but not ready to have sex with anyone else. I'm afraid I'm cry buckets, as there is still grief mixed in with my sexuality. His ghost is still there, mixed up with me.

 

But at almost 10 weeks out, it DOES get better. I will never date a separated man again! Too much drama.

 

And for the record: the MOST painful kind of affair is one where your heart is all involved and it seems like the MM is choosing you. Because that makes you want to hang in there, ignoring those red flags, and really getting crushed when the futility of it becomes real.

 

I am dumbstruck by women who justify their affair saying it's not just about sex, as if that makes it better. OMG. Looking back, I think the opposite is true. Sex-only affairs seem less devasting. These ones involving "soulmates" (as my ex was so into calling us) are dangerous.

 

It's been a big hard lesson to see how my vulnerabilties opened the door for me to look past so many red flags. That's what I need to work on now. I was never in an affair before. If I hadn't been at such a low point (post divorce, broke, lonely, moved to a new area) I wouldn't have done it. I'm sealing up the holes in that wall now.

 

How about you? Why did you override your common sense and get involved in the first place?

That was such a touching and honest post. I am so glad to know that you learned so much about yourself through all of it and that you are looking forward with a stronger sense of self-awareness. I especially liked the part when you said you get to take 50% with you. You will always have higher standards, sexually speaking, and you won't settle for less. Hopefully next time around you can enjoy the white-hot sex with someone who is more stable and will love you forever.

[wildsoul]

Hopefully next time around you can enjoy the white-hot sex with someone who is more stable and will love you forever.

Right back atcha, WF!

[sugarmomma]

I am glad to see that you are acknowledging your anger towards him. A lot of OW go into denial and would rather not get angry at the MM regardless of how they have been treated. Just reading the way you say he treated his wife, he sounds absolutely heartless and sadistic.

 

I would suggest you keep the anger up front because he cares for no one but his own selfish azz.

 

Be glad that he is gone!! He is a coward a cheater a liar and I could go on and on but I won't. I would be up all night lol:bunny:

 

Be strong and keep moving forward and block all possible ways for him to contact you because you will be right back on that rollercoaster with him.

 

My only question is how do you want to spend your future? Do you really want to waste your good years on someone committed to someone else (that he treats with utter disregard)?

 

Also just for a minute think about the pain she must be in. We women have to start having more respect and honor for one another.

 

btw I was the only woman until I realized he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of enjoying someone as wonderful and amazing as I am.

 

My picker was broken too but I am learning to choose men who are more deserving of me (and single).

[Athena]

is it normal to still have sexual feelings toward someone who treated you like dirt on the street?

 

I think it's harder for you to think badly of him since his silence hasn't exactly given you specific 'fodder' for hating him... the fact that his wife handled the end of his A, and you haven't heard anything from him makes it difficult for you. The last words you had from him were loving, and now there is silence... even the phone put down on you isn't as bad as hearing the actual words out of a MM's mouth -- "I don't want you anymore, I choose my W", etc etc

 

And so, for the same reasons, I think it's understandable that you still have positive sexual feelings towards him -- there's nothing overtly nasty from him to put you off.

 

The only danger with that, is in the future, if he wishes to have another bat at it, he can try his luck with you by blaming his W, saying she forbade him to contact you, or else he'd lose his kids, blah blah blah... so be forearmed and forewarned not to accept any of his excuses.

He chose the easy way out -- not because of YOU, but because of the person HE is... he didn't want to have to deal with you and the fall out... since he was already dealing with the fall out with his W over the A... forgive him, he's not strong enough to do anything different.

[baloo2]

Hey Athena, It's funny how some posters are encouraging me to hold on to the hate because he's so cowardly, and others are suggesting I forgive him. But really, how can we honestly suggest a hung up call when you've shared so much with a woman (or to be specific -taken so much) not be considered as less than nasty? When he heard my little voice he should have thought to himself, I'll just say a few civilised words and that will be that. Maybe he couldn't bear it. I don't know. But I think I do hate him for that performance-I find it mean-spirited and callous.

 

Truthfully, he doesn't warrant me to give him as much as a thought, but unfortunately, the female mind doesn't appear to work like that.

[baloo2]

I met him Jan 2008. He told me he was going to be separating, that she knew he was starting to date, etc. I set aside my rules about not dating a married/involved person and dated him. The usual falling in love, strong declarations from him of us being soulmates, white hot sex, etc followed.

 

Within 8-weeks, I got an inkling that his W didn't know he was dating. I broke up and refused to date him until he'd moved out. Within a month or so, he'd rented a room in a friends mom's house. I got back with him. So our actual "cheating" phase wasn't that long. But separation wasn't all THAT much different.

 

His W was patently opposed to D. They don't have kids, but she was unemployed and financially & emotionally dependent. He wanted to take his separation SLOW. Later, he moved into a real apartment.

 

I didn't want to be a mistress. The whole affair dynamic skews the relationship. You get all involved before you know even BASIC things about a person, such as how they live or keep house. I wanted to be in integrity, for us to date openly, and to decide about the relationship on it's own merits. His separation DID help me to get that. His abusive side started coming out. MOST of our time was amazing, but there's no such thing as a "little abuse." I had to end it. Didn't exactly want to, but HAD to. Make sense? Self-preservation.

 

I have no idea if he's still separated or not! Part of me assumes that he gave up the apartment, because it seemed like a lot of his motivation was doing it for me. I've wondered if he moved back in w/ the W (saving expense of the apt.) and if he found a mistress who's willing to cheat and not force him to move out. But those thoughts make me sad, and I try not to imagine it. I have to tell myself that it's NOT my business (or my problem) anymore. I just have to focus on me now.

 

WF is right about the sex stuff. Sure, I've had trouble letting that go. He was my perfect sexual match. We had that magic combo of heart connection and uninhibited passion that is SO rare. To be honest with you, I have a fear that I might never have that again and it makes me very sad. I can cry now thinking about it. But I'm smart enough to know that at least 50% of that equation was ME, and I get to take me into my next relationship. I've been dating and fooling around a little bit, but not ready to have sex with anyone else. I'm afraid I'm cry buckets, as there is still grief mixed in with my sexuality. His ghost is still there, mixed up with me.

 

But at almost 10 weeks out, it DOES get better. I will never date a separated man again! Too much drama.

 

And for the record: the MOST painful kind of affair is one where your heart is all involved and it seems like the MM is choosing you. Because that makes you want to hang in there, ignoring those red flags, and really getting crushed when the futility of it becomes real.

 

I am dumbstruck by women who justify their affair saying it's not just about sex, as if that makes it better. OMG. Looking back, I think the opposite is true. Sex-only affairs seem less devasting. These ones involving "soulmates" (as my ex was so into calling us) are dangerous.

 

It's been a big hard lesson to see how my vulnerabilties opened the door for me to look past so many red flags. That's what I need to work on now. I was never in an affair before. If I hadn't been at such a low point (post divorce, broke, lonely, moved to a new area) I wouldn't have done it. I'm sealing up the holes in that wall now.

 

How about you? Why did you override your common sense and get involved in the first place?

 

I won't let him take all of the blame, but, he began flirting with me and although it ignited something in me I felt I knew it had to remain simply flirting and not go any further. I knew he was married. However, he called me up one day and told me he was outside my house. I said you can't and shouldn't come. He rang my door bell and I answered it. Excitement took over me; I felt consumed by passion. Being lost in the moment, him giving me constant attention, and sheer spontaneity of his visits/calls/texts was exhilarating at first. Then as you know my feelings spiralled out of control, and I realised that I wasn't exactly doing the right thing by anyone. I will regret responding to that doorbell as long as I shall live.

[baloo2]

I had a dream about this guy....oh why doesn't he go out of my head?

 

He's still always in there!! When will it fade?

[wildsoul]

I had a dream about this guy....oh why doesn't he go out of my head?

 

He's still always in there!! When will it fade?

How long has it been now, Baloo2?

 

It's going to take some time. I'm almost 3 months out now, and MOST days I don't get trapped thinking about him now. But it's still there some. Everyone's different.

 

Have you done any "letting go" rituals? Journaling or whatever?

[baloo2]

How long has it been now, Baloo2?

 

It's going to take some time. I'm almost 3 months out now, and MOST days I don't get trapped thinking about him now. But it's still there some. Everyone's different.

 

Have you done any "letting go" rituals? Journaling or whatever?

 

 

About 6 weeks since he's gone, three weeks since hung up call. Did I tell you about that? I forget.

 

I have not done any "letting go" rituals. Fill me in. LOL.

[stillafool]

I think it is more that he convinced me the reasons for his not leaving, and that I chose to believe it. I had challenged him so often on his motives for staying, and he would constantly assert that if it weren't for his children, he'd be out of there. He said my wife is 'just the mother of my kids". Obviously that showed blatant disrespect for his wife but also reasserted the notion that she didn't mean a whole lot to him romantically. It's a horrible warning sign anyway though, because this is a woman who he made his vows to. However, it seems like his wife meant a whole lot more to him than he said though, given that he allowed her to take complete control that day. I guess I will never know, but I think 'the kids' was just a convenient excuse.

 

Most MM say these things about their wife to the OW or prospective OW. If he told you the truth, "Hey look, I really love my wife and kids but would love to see you on the side and if we get caught I will stay with my wife." What would you do and say? You wouldn't get involved, would you?

 

 

He'd tell me all the time : "I wish I could have you and my boys, but I know it can't work like that". I'd say "Why not?" and never did I get a clear answer; he'd say they need their mother and father in the same house blah blah and he couldn't cope with seeing them only at weekends etc.

 

C'mon, you really didn't expect him to agree with that did you? He wouldn't have to see the boys only on weekends. He was just making excuses. It made him cringe to think of his boys away from their Mom and with another woman. Also this would mean they may also be with his wife and another man. He really can't stand the thought of that.

 

There is something that pops into my head from time to time though that almost makes me laugh to myself-a text I once sent to him when I felt lonely and sad. It simply read "What is the point?" and he quickly replied "Love". I can't believe the same man who typed that treated me so atrociously two days later!

 

Yes and I'll bet his W wouldn't be able to believe that the same man who stood up at their wedding and made vows before God and their families could treat her so atrociously also.

[hartbroken]

baloo...My heart goes out to you as I recently ended my own situation and all I have done is lament about things but I am at 8 days with absolutely NC...I dont feel real good still but am trying to muddle thru it as best I can...What I have learned is the MM will say anything about his wife or to you in order to get what he wants which is most but not all of the time...sex...As my HS sex education teacher once told us "girls give sex to get love, guys give love to get sex" and I never really believed it until my own disaster of a situation but I am finding more and more there is quite a bit of truth to this statement...at least where a MM is concerned!!!

[delirious]

Oh Baloo, I am feeling the pain you feel. I am the OW and when my MM does not turn up sometimes, which he has done nearly a third of the time, I am always thinking I could never hear from him again. He does make an excuse usually, which seems credible, but I realise that I am not first choice, maybe I have self esteem issues, but I accepted that when we started. I could not accept having the phone put down on me, and when I ring him at home, he does not do that, but talks in a monotone voice as he has others there, which is truly awful. Again I accept that as he does not want to cause suspicion. I could not cope with NC in that way, what a truly spineless man he is. I can only assume that he is just thinking of not seeing the kids and that is why, but if his wife had such a hold on him he will resent her for that. Because there is nothing wrong in him telling you face to face that he cannot see you again or even on the phone. I think most BS would accept that and so would OW. NC with someone you love, no matter how or why, is just awful.

[baloo2]

Oh Baloo, I am feeling the pain you feel. I am the OW and when my MM does not turn up sometimes, which he has done nearly a third of the time, I am always thinking I could never hear from him again. He does make an excuse usually, which seems credible, but I realise that I am not first choice, maybe I have self esteem issues, but I accepted that when we started. I could not accept having the phone put down on me, and when I ring him at home, he does not do that, but talks in a monotone voice as he has others there, which is truly awful. Again I accept that as he does not want to cause suspicion. I could not cope with NC in that way, what a truly spineless man he is. I can only assume that he is just thinking of not seeing the kids and that is why, but if his wife had such a hold on him he will resent her for that. Because there is nothing wrong in him telling you face to face that he cannot see you again or even on the phone. I think most BS would accept that and so would OW. NC with someone you love, no matter how or why, is just awful.

 

He will think that because his wife called me that fateful day telling me to stay away, that he has no duty to speak to me-so when I called him in a weak moment that time-he had no qualms about hanging up. It was really hard to cope with. He totally gaslighted me after promising that he couldn't bear to hurt me and would do anything to avoid that.

 

I am really only just recovering from it all (much of this is attributed to the help on this forum!) and not being able to have spoken to him to hear it from the horse's mouth-as it were, was just eating me up every day. His last words to me were loving, you know before I got the call from his wife.

 

I have to hold on to the anger (as other posters advise) and not make any allowances for him. He is despicable. He may also think I knew the terms and conditions of our 'relationship' therefore doesn't owe me anything! Sometimes I wake up and I laugh to myself because of how pitiful and how much of a waste of time it all was.

 

I advise you to end your affair because you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Trust me. Take control. You don't really want to see what he might be capable of. When mine showed his true colours (when I got the call), I couldn't believe it was the same person I had made love to the day before! Yes, the day before!

 

These men have no scruples whatsoever.

[hartbroken]

Baloo I was just thinking about this..Is it not possible that day you were talking to him (the day the wife called you) he did not even know she knew yet and maybe she discovered the affair somehow and got your number from phone records (it wouldnt be too hard to figure out) and she could have just lied and said he told her everything??..I just kinda think it strange he would act all normal especially knowing the bomb was about to drop and then boom she calls you maybe she confronted you first and then him? I dunno just a thought...

[baloo2]

Baloo I was just thinking about this..Is it not possible that day you were talking to him (the day the wife called you) he did not even know she knew yet and maybe she discovered the affair somehow and got your number from phone records (it wouldnt be too hard to figure out) and she could have just lied and said he told her everything??..I just kinda think it strange he would act all normal especially knowing the bomb was about to drop and then boom she calls you maybe she confronted you first and then him? I dunno just a thought...

 

Don't think so. He stopped itemising his bills for one thing! He called me that same morning (the day his wife called) and said he'd call me again later in the afternoon. Normally, he would send me texts all throughout the day as well as call frequently. So when I didn't hear from him any in the afternoon, I texted him and he told me the price of his bill and that he'd have to sort it and that he'd call me later.

 

I didn't know why he was telling me this-I wasn't sure if his wife had seen it or not.

 

Anyway, the call didn't come when he said he'd call. This was exceptionally rare-he usually called when he said he would. So I became very nervous and began ringing him and texting, to which I received no reply (also extremely rare). I knew something sinister was going on, and at dinner time I received a call from his cell (it was his wife).

 

And the rest.

 

I am sure I could hear his voice mumbling in the background as well .....

[precious1357]

baloo,

 

You are not alone in what has happened to you...just try to be strong and move on, its so very very hard but be strong as possible and know that you are NOT THE CULPRIT, you got involved because you are a human being...mistakes happen, its part of life. be strong

[hartbroken]

Don't think so. He stopped itemising his bills for one thing! He called me that same morning (the day his wife called) and said he'd call me again later in the afternoon. Normally, he would send me texts all throughout the day as well as call frequently. So when I didn't hear from him any in the afternoon, I texted him and he told me the price of his bill and that he'd have to sort it and that he'd call me later.

 

I didn't know why he was telling me this-I wasn't sure if his wife had seen it or not.

 

Anyway, the call didn't come when he said he'd call. This was exceptionally rare-he usually called when he said he would. So I became very nervous and began ringing him and texting, to which I received no reply (also extremely rare). I knew something sinister was going on, and at dinner time I received a call from his cell (it was his wife).

 

And the rest.

 

I am sure I could hear his voice mumbling in the background as well .....

 

hmmm well as I am trying to do myself its best to just move on as no good will come of the lamenting as I have been 9 days with NC and am proud of myself!! Each day I feel weak but know in the end its for the best and will be for you also..You deserve better than this snake and thats what he is in my opinion..as are most of these MM...I am turning to the point of bitterness I think which I have to say is probably a good thing!

[Reggie]

My XWW was doing the frozen food delivery guy at the same time she had her other OM making plans to marry her. Men do not have a monopoly on this behavior.

I think you realize you played with fire and... . It is a tough lesson about the consequences of living such a deceitful existence. I hope you get help and can establish better boundaries in the future.

[wildsoul]

Why am I still here? In sickness and in health is what I promised. If his cheating (as his psychologist has stated) is a psychological break because of real trauma as a child I will help him as his spouse through thick and thin. Mind you, it has adversely affected me and our marriage... however I honor my promises.

I cannot see how your reply answers the OP's question. This belongs in the infidelity thread, Gamine.

[loving michelle]

I like Chrome Barracuda's thinking!!!!!!!!

[baloo2]

Two months on from the discovery, I am trying to keep busy but I still think about the MM quite a lot. I have been having these dreams where I've tried to contact him. I've had quite a few where I have tried to call him and does actually talk to me-the conversations are so vivid I can virtually hear his laugh, and others where he attempts to contact me by text but nasty ones saying 'he still wants me but I get in the way of his marriage'. It's so hard to get over him when he is featuring so often in my dreams. I don't even think about him that often throughout the day, so why does he keep appearing in my dreams? Why am I always talking to him in my dreams?