Angry, hurt, and aching even when it's not worth it.

[baloo2]

Hi,

I am new to the forum.

 

Not really sure where to start. Here goes. It is a long post and I hope you bear with me.

 

I had an intense 'relationship' with a married man which lasted over a year and ended recently.

 

When I met this man, we became immensely attracted to each other and eventually he won my over my affections, despite my knowing it would be wrong because he has a wife and two children at home. My attraction to him was so great and I could not resist the charms this man brought and at the start I never fully contemplated the consequences of my actions would bring.

 

We became close emotionally and physically, and he began calling me several times daily.

 

Six months into the affair he told me he had fallen in love with me, and he said his physical attraction to me was unbearable, but at the same time told me he had feared telling me this because he knew he could not leave his wife because of what it would do to his youngest son (he has two children). He had always made this clear, often crying about the prospect of 'losing his kids', and assuring me his wife was just the mother of his children, but my feelings for him allowed me to continue in the hope everything would go away and eventually I'd get the strength to end it with this man.

 

But I never truly believed that his children were the real reason for his not leaving. I was sure this was a cover to allow him to continue his affair with me without feeling guilty about going back to his wife.

 

In the back of my head I thought he was a walking cliche, and that he was using his children as an excuse for not to leave his wife. I was certain what he really wanted was to be with his wife and have me on the side (cake and eat it!) despite his declarations of love and how much it pained him when we were not together. I frequently challenged him as I was very angry at him for his apparent disregard for his wife, and it concerned me what kind of man he really was. I became very depressed and wanted badly for it to stop, but at the same time I didn't, but in my head I knew what I had to do was to end it with him.

 

But then I began to feel that he had a deep love for me -frequently dropping things to be with me when he could, frequent texts saying he loved me- even in the middle of night when it was deemed risky- his frequent calls to check up on how I was, continued to validate my internal arguments for continuing. When he called me I forgot everything else and all his baggage. He was calling me when he should have been calling his wife, and it felt like it was my husband calling me while he was at work. Trouble is, I knew everything had been built up during the day only to come crashing down again in the evening when I was yet again reminded he was not coming home to me, but to his wife and children.

 

Despite the pain of what was missing from our 'relationship', I gradually became convinced this man did really want to be with me and not his wife, and if there were no kids involved we would be together properly. He had told me as much. I started to place trust in a man who was lying to his family; he even told me that although he kept secrets from his wife, he did his best to be open with me.

 

When I asked if ever his wife discovered our affair, would he do something as awful as never contact me to tell me it's over (going with the theme that he has to go back to her to keep his family together!) and expect me to guess. He'd said he'd never do something like because of the pain it would cause me.

 

Now for the shocker. It's even more embarrassing than what I've already confessed to you here. Quite recently, I got a phone call out of the blue from his wife. She told me she had found out about our affair and told me never to contact him again, and that he'd told her everything. On that day I had received a cheery phonecall and nice texts as per usual. It came as a complete shock.

 

I was shocked and appalled that he had not called me up personally to tell me what I already anticipated (that he'd drop me as soon as she found out).

 

Ever since then, I haven't heard a thing. Although I try to get past it and accept he is a sh** bag I cannot get past the overwhelming feeling that he was lying to me the whole time during our affair. I believe now that he didn't love me, because otherwise he'd never have done this to me. I suffer daily from the idea that he didn't even respect me enough to tell me himself, rather, he let his wife do it.

 

The resulting feeling is anger and pity that he is so spineless. Friends initially told me that I shouldn't feel pity for myself because I put myself in the situation, and tell me not to focus on why he did this, and whether he loved me or not, but I can't help thinking of it. I can't help wondering how he could hurt me like that even though I shouldn't really be surprised because I knew he was cheating on his wife.

 

I can't help feeling that the affectionate and loving things he did and said were not true, and it pains me to the core. Was he using me? What did he really feel? Is he thinking of me or missing me? It may be that I am more angry with myself for believing the stuff he said. Then I think maybe he meant what he said but at the end of the day he had to do what he did for his kids! It's killing me that I have to overanalyse these issues but I can't help myself. I think about it all the time, even when am busy trying to get on with my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

If anyone's been through a similar experience feel free to share it with me.

[bentnotbroken]

He was cheater. He was lying to his W. It would stand to reason if he could lie so easily to her, who he lived with and saw daily, lying you shouldn't have been that hard. Cheating always= lying, by it's very nature.

[jwi71]

I am sorry you have learned this hard lesson. I am sure its unbelievably painful for you.

 

Try and think of it not as a loss but as a gain. You think you lost a good man who loved you...and maybe he did. But really, you gained FREEDOM. He has shown his true colors. And in this you would forever be hurt.

 

You didn't lose a good man.

You freed yourself from a bad one.

 

Find peace and strength and move forward...

[Chrome Barracuda]

What part of MARRIED did you not understand?

 

You make it out to be his fault but you knew deep down inside that he was still married to his WIFE and yet you act like your the victim???

 

WTF?

[wildsoul]

That was such a well-considered post. Clearly, your mind understands the whole dynamic. Yes, yes, I know: the heart doesn't follow the same rules.

 

Many of us OW's on this board got tangled up in affairs though a similar series of choices to ignore our better judgement. You're a perfect example of someone who seems really intelligent, but made the masochistic choice to get involved in a situation you knew was futile from the start. Why?

 

The big turning point in your story (so nicely illustrated) is when you went from knowing this was an affair, one where he would never leave his wife, to then convincing yourself otherwise:

 

You started thinking that his risks to contact you & engage in the affair meant that he was willing to risk it FOR you.

 

You started minimizing his reasons for staying married (e.g. thinking the excuse about his kids wasn't true; imagining that he'd choose you over her if there were no kids.) Instead of believing what HE told you, you started inventing a different story.

 

Why do you think you started filling in an imaginary romantic plot where you thought he might leave his wife, even though your more conscious mind knew otherwise?

 

In my case, it's different in that my xMM actually told me he wanted to spend his life with me, got separated, etc. So on the surface, my involvement was based on actual things said (not all projection.) But you and are the same in the I still should have known better.

 

Do you think that you had to make up the story about him maybe leaving for you as a way to justify your continuing to stay?

[Heather1]

An A is an A....a marriage is a marriage, "for better or for worse."

 

I'm in a little different situation, since I'm married & so is OM. I never looked at it as if we'd ever leave spouses and be together, and I've told OM that several times. Here's what I've come to learn, and kind of the benefits...we ONLY see the best of each other. At the end of the day, the OM or OW goes home but it's not what anyone thinks. The spouses don't get to see the best of their H or W's anymore, until the OP is eliminated so they can work on their relationship.

 

So here's a woman's point of view on why I cut contact & told my H, probably not the same as a man's, but has to be similar. I love the OM, want nothing more out of him than to enhance my life (& then all the out of control drama came in, which sucks so I'm not "happy" anymore). Would I do anything for him if he asked? Leave my H for a shakey future? Put my kids through a divorce right when they're about to go to college & mess up everything my H & I have worked hard for? I don't think I love anyone that much!! My H & I have had a rough couple of years for sure, and OM hit that window of opportunity that wasn't available until then. There's just a fantasy & reality thing that goes on w/ this stuff. I think what it comes down to, is he has a contract w/ his wife, which overrides love. I'm sure he loves you both. I love both men too & I battle with myself about it all the time. I really don't even have an unhappy marriage, although at the time things were REALLY tough! It was the "for worse" part. If I left my H, it wouldn't be for OM.

 

I think the mistake women make in an A is wanting more....He's as torn and confused as you are.

[milwife]

Hi there! I have been on both sides as the OW and BS. All I can tell you is that it is much better to move on. Your MM will not leave his wife especially if he has kids. It's just the way it is. Men like to have their cake and eat it too. In my situation when I was the OW, my affair partner actually made me think that he loved me and he promised that he would leave to be with me. He made his wife out to be this constant b*tch. And much like your situation, he never called me after the affair was found out. I was contacted by his wife and she told me that she knew everything. So I guess all I can tell you is that it's better to move on.

 

I don't know if there is an option on here to private message, baloo2, but if you can find one go ahead and send me a message if you need to vent or whatever.

[fooled once]

I am sorry you are hurt.

 

As you can see, his wife and marriage mean more to him than his affair with you.

[White Flower]

 

When I asked if ever his wife discovered our affair, would he do something as awful as never contact me to tell me it's over (going with the theme that he has to go back to her to keep his family together!) and expect me to guess. He'd said he'd never do something like because of the pain it would cause me.

 

Now for the shocker. It's even more embarrassing than what I've already confessed to you here. Quite recently, I got a phone call out of the blue from his wife. She told me she had found out about our affair and told me never to contact him again, and that he'd told her everything. On that day I had received a cheery phonecall and nice texts as per usual. It came as a complete shock.

 

I was shocked and appalled that he had not called me up personally to tell me what I already anticipated (that he'd drop me as soon as she found out).

 

 

If anyone's been through a similar experience feel free to share it with me.

Baloo,

 

I feel so badly for you. You communicated your fears to this man very well in order for him to reassure you and he totally gaslighted you. He told you what you wanted to hear.

 

Let this be a very hard lesson learned; that there really are wolves in sheeps clothing and a man who really seems to love you with every breath he takes is just a carniverous wolf in clever disguise. Not all MM are like this to this degree but I'm sorry to say yours was. He did not love you enough to hold your hand through all of this like he promised and turned out to be such a coward. I mean come on, he had to have his mommy, I mean wife, call you! A stronger man wouldn't have put his wife through that, he would have done it himself.

 

I hope this doesn't cause you to distrust all men in the future. There are some good guys out there.

[baloo2]

That was such a well-considered post. Clearly, your mind understands the whole dynamic. Yes, yes, I know: the heart doesn't follow the same rules.

 

Many of us OW's on this board got tangled up in affairs though a similar series of choices to ignore our better judgement. You're a perfect example of someone who seems really intelligent, but made the masochistic choice to get involved in a situation you knew was futile from the start. Why?

 

The big turning point in your story (so nicely illustrated) is when you went from knowing this was an affair, one where he would never leave his wife, to then convincing yourself otherwise:

 

You started thinking that his risks to contact you & engage in the affair meant that he was willing to risk it FOR you.

 

You started minimizing his reasons for staying married (e.g. thinking the excuse about his kids wasn't true; imagining that he'd choose you over her if there were no kids.) Instead of believing what HE told you, you started inventing a different story.

 

Why do you think you started filling in an imaginary romantic plot where you thought he might leave his wife, even though your more conscious mind knew otherwise?

 

In my case, it's different in that my xMM actually told me he wanted to spend his life with me, got separated, etc. So on the surface, my involvement was based on actual things said (not all projection.) But you and are the same in the I still should have known better.

 

Do you think that you had to make up the story about him maybe leaving for you as a way to justify your continuing to stay?

 

I think it is more that he convinced me the reasons for his not leaving, and that I chose to believe it. I had challenged him so often on his motives for staying, and he would constantly assert that if it weren't for his children, he'd be out of there. He said my wife is 'just the mother of my kids". Obviously that showed blatant disrespect for his wife but also reasserted the notion that she didn't mean a whole lot to him romantically. It's a horrible warning sign anyway though, because this is a woman who he made his vows to. However, it seems like his wife meant a whole lot more to him than he said though, given that he allowed her to take complete control that day. I guess I will never know, but I think 'the kids' was just a convenient excuse. He'd tell me all the time : "I wish I could have you and my boys, but I know it can't work like that". I'd say "Why not?" and never did I get a clear answer; he'd say they need their mother and father in the same house blah blah and he couldn't cope with seeing them only at weekends etc. There is something that pops into my head from time to time though that almost makes me laugh to myself-a text I once sent to him when I felt lonely and sad. It simply read "What is the point?" and he quickly replied "Love". I can't believe the same man who typed that treated me so atrociously two days later!

[baloo2]

An A is an A....a marriage is a marriage, "for better or for worse."

 

I'm in a little different situation, since I'm married & so is OM. I never looked at it as if we'd ever leave spouses and be together, and I've told OM that several times. Here's what I've come to learn, and kind of the benefits...we ONLY see the best of each other. At the end of the day, the OM or OW goes home but it's not what anyone thinks. The spouses don't get to see the best of their H or W's anymore, until the OP is eliminated so they can work on their relationship.

 

So here's a woman's point of view on why I cut contact & told my H, probably not the same as a man's, but has to be similar. I love the OM, want nothing more out of him than to enhance my life (& then all the out of control drama came in, which sucks so I'm not "happy" anymore). Would I do anything for him if he asked? Leave my H for a shakey future? Put my kids through a divorce right when they're about to go to college & mess up everything my H & I have worked hard for? I don't think I love anyone that much!! My H & I have had a rough couple of years for sure, and OM hit that window of opportunity that wasn't available until then. There's just a fantasy & reality thing that goes on w/ this stuff. I think what it comes down to, is he has a contract w/ his wife, which overrides love. I'm sure he loves you both. I love both men too & I battle with myself about it all the time. I really don't even have an unhappy marriage, although at the time things were REALLY tough! It was the "for worse" part. If I left my H, it wouldn't be for OM.

 

I think the mistake women make in an A is wanting more....He's as torn and confused as you are.

 

Hi Heather, whereas in your situation you chose to come clean about your affair; in mine, the MM was discovered because I had received messages from him that day hinting she had found his extortionate cell phone bill showing his addiction to me. This man would be calling me today had she not found that bill. Once she had discovered it, it seems control was taken straight out of his hands. She ended it for him, and he never had the guts to do it himself. Maybe she threatened him, I don't know. But let me tell you, that he never called me himself eats me up everyday. The disrespect and the indignity of it. Having given him my body, heart and mind, he couldn't even show the respect of telling me himself.

 

I may as well confess to you that in a moment of weakness, last week, and I did tell friends who slapped me on the wrists. I called him. I don't know what I wanted, I guess I wanted to know if he'd take my call and finally apologise personally. The result was a hung up phone call. I don't call that love.

[MichelleS1983]

Baloo, I'm not really surprised at anything these married liars do. They're some of the most devious people on the planet and the mistake we ALL make is to assume that we're somehow 'special' and above being lied to by them.

 

Yup, that's a very far - and very quick - fall from grace when it happens, isn't it?

 

You need to put alot of this anger and blame on your OWN shoulders, not the little weasel whose hiding behind his wife's skirt, cowering because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Your anger is DISPLACED.

 

If you were to walk up to your stove and saw the burner was on high and was red-hot and you CHOSE to place your hand firmly on that hot burner and burned all the skin off your hand, whose fault would it be? That damned stove's fault? Your landlord's fault? Your Uncle Charlie's fault?

 

Or would it be YOUR fault?

 

It's the same principle with a married man. You CHOSE to walk into a situation where you KNEW it was built on lies, deceit, and had the potential to devastate everyone it touched. Yet you CHOSE to do it anyway. Regardless of the lies and bullsh*t this jerk told you, whose fault was it that you CHOSE to walk into the affair? Your stove's fault? Your landlord's faut? Your Uncle Charlie's fault?

 

Or was it YOURS?

 

Own your sh*t.

 

Instead of blaming everyone ELSE for your poor choices, blame yourself.

[baloo2]

Baloo, I'm not really surprised at anything these married liars do. They're some of the most devious people on the planet and the mistake we ALL make is to assume that we're somehow 'special' and above being lied to by them.

 

Yup, that's a very far - and very quick - fall from grace when it happens, isn't it?

 

You need to put alot of this anger and blame on your OWN shoulders, not the little weasel whose hiding behind his wife's skirt, cowering because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Your anger is DISPLACED.

 

If you were to walk up to your stove and saw the burner was on high and was red-hot and you CHOSE to place your hand firmly on that hot burner and burned all the skin off your hand, whose fault would it be? That damned stove's fault? Your landlord's fault? Your Uncle Charlie's fault?

 

Or would it be YOUR fault?

 

It's the same principle with a married man. You CHOSE to walk into a situation where you KNEW it was built on lies, deceit, and had the potential to devastate everyone it touched. Yet you CHOSE to do it anyway. Regardless of the lies and bullsh*t this jerk told you, whose fault was it that you CHOSE to walk into the affair? Your stove's fault? Your landlord's faut? Your Uncle Charlie's fault?

 

Or was it YOURS?

 

Own your sh*t.

 

Instead of blaming everyone ELSE for your poor choices, blame yourself.

 

I absolutely do. Of course I blame myself. For being so stupid to forget about his wife's feelings and to think he'd treat me any better. My post does attempt to explain how my doubts about him as an individual of integrity ate me up everyday. I always worried I would get burnt, but I still couldn't stop it. That's the message I'm trying to get across in the post.

 

I guess part of me hates to see that people can be such blatant liars and that this man really did mean what he said at the time, regarding his feelings toward me. He did seem genuinely torn. I guess you are one of many who believes he was using me and feeding me lines.

 

Looking at Heather's reply to me, it has given me another perspective, as she describes her love for the OM yet not being able to give up her family life for him. However, in her situation she did have enough respect to end it in a civilised manner with the OM to concentrate on her relationship with her husband. In my case, this man did not share that level of respect. He had his wife do it instead.

[baloo2]

Hi there! I have been on both sides as the OW and BS. All I can tell you is that it is much better to move on. Your MM will not leave his wife especially if he has kids. It's just the way it is. Men like to have their cake and eat it too. In my situation when I was the OW, my affair partner actually made me think that he loved me and he promised that he would leave to be with me. He made his wife out to be this constant b*tch. And much like your situation, he never called me after the affair was found out. I was contacted by his wife and she told me that she knew everything. So I guess all I can tell you is that it's better to move on.

 

I don't know if there is an option on here to private message, baloo2, but if you can find one go ahead and send me a message if you need to vent or whatever.

 

 

Hey, don't think can private message as new to forum. Can you tell me more about the manner in which this man ended things with you? We really can pick em can't we!

[milwife]

This happened a couple years ago to me when I was the OW. I was pretty much contacted by his wife and she told me she knew everything that was going on b/c her father actually followed him one night. I got a call the next day and I actually met with his wife at his home.. with him present. I was pretty much called every name in the book by his wife and he sat there quietly. After that meeting I never heard from him again and I didn't contact him again. I still feel guilty sometimes because I saw the pain and anger in his wife's eyes. It was hell watching her cry because of my actions as well as her husband.

 

Fast forward to the present and I believe my karma has caught up with me because I found out my husband was having an affair. Not sure how long the affair went on as he didn't say. He was telling the OW when we would fight and how much of a b*tch I am and he loved her and wanted to be with her. We also have children together and I had to contact the OW and let her know that I found out what was going on and to not contact my husband. I asked my husband to contact her and let her know but he didn't. My situation is probably a bit different than most on this site because we are military. Everything has to be hush hush otherwise people lose stripes or get kicked out. It sucks for me because I am torn between saving my family and children's future OR screwing over both my husband and the OW.

 

Sorry, OW on this board, if you think I'm being a bit harsh. Like I said I was the OW at one time so I can kind of relate. I never understood how hard it was to be on the other side and to be the one to get hurt. I'm hear to try to help those here who are the OW by giving my story on that but at the same time I really wish the OW who had an affair with my husband would talk to me about what happened. However, I don't see that happening so I guess that's why I am here.

 

Baloo2, sorry for post-hijacking your thread

[2sure]

Baloo -

 

There is something very good you can take away from this. And I'm not talking about the obvious lesson: Dont Date MM.

 

MM like yours, Affairs like yours are typical and all have one dynamic in common. OW has to be at a vulnerable point in her life. Vulnerable enough to put aside common sense and self preservation. Vulnerable enough to give up so much for so little, vulnerable enough to believe in words (texts, calls, etc, all nothing but words) not actions.

 

For an A to work well, for the whole fantasy to be complete - it has to feel like forbidden love, like intense lovers that just cant be together. The vulnerable OW has got to feel as though the MM is not a bad guy but a hero in a loveless marriage....The MM has got to feel like a knight in shining armor...who but a vulnerable woman would see him as such?

 

Baloo - the thing is this. At the time, during the A, your MM probably believed most of what he said. It wasnt until reality came in that he realized he stood to lose his life - his marriage and his wife. Faced with choosing between reality and fantasy...is there a decision?

 

You ARE a victim here. But a victim of yourself. Yes, you were vulnerable and taken advantage of...BUT...and this is important, it took me years to learn:

 

STOP BEING YOUR OWN VICTIM.

 

Acknowledge your vulnerabilities, change them if you can, work around them if you cant.

 

He picked you for a reason.

[baloo2]

Thanks for all the support. I shouldn't overanalyse this-and I concede it was a mistake-but how could he say he loved me yet hang up that call I made to him last week? Yeah his wife told me he'd reject my calls, but one day after some time I thought I'd test this (stupidly) to check for sure. It was moronic of me. Really dumb. But why couldn't he have said "I'm so sorry, I can't talk, I need to go, Bye"?

 

Crazy to overanalyse and I KNOW I walked straight into iit, but I just feel so violated that he never told me himself, or had the decency to be civil on the phone. His wife wouldn't have been with him, he'd have been at work and 'unsupervised' as it were.

[White Flower]

Baloo,

 

I understand that you want the villain himself to apologize to you, but it won't be sincere. It will be more words, empty and meaningless words. Somehow we feel better when they look us in the eye and apologize, but will you really feel it given that he's proven himself a liar? Not only a liar but a coward besides.

 

He is dispicable and you need to move on. Your eyes are wide open now.

[wildsoul]

I'm going to say an old chiche, one that I used to HATE. But now coming out on the other side of my relationship, I see the truth in it. In fact, it's oddly comforting now.

 

Love isn't enough.

 

On your MM's side: He probably did love you. (Unless he was a true psychopath who lies about it.) But when push came to shove, his love for you wasn't enough for him to break up his marriage and family.

 

And while he's a coward for not breaking up with you in a respectful way, he chose his M over you and must have told his W that he would never speak to you again. It doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't love you, but he made a decision to put the affair behind him.

 

On your side: You loved him. You knew it was a futile dynamic going in, but did what many of us OW's do, give it a shot because perhaps your situation is different, thinking, "Maybe this love stands a chance. Maybe it will all be worth it in the end." It didn't turn out that way, that's life.

 

But you've now got the task of packing up your love, bandaging up your wounds, and realizing that while your love was REAL, it just wasn't enough. It's not about being "good enough." The situation was just not meant to be. You may still love him, but what he can give you isn't enough for you either.

 

It's just life, yanno? We all have lost loves. Pack your love for him into your "ex boyfriends" box, along with the others, and let yourself move forward to someone who can be more than enough.

[baloo2]

I'm going to say an old chiche, one that I used to HATE. But now coming out on the other side of my relationship, I see the truth in it. In fact, it's oddly comforting now.

 

Love isn't enough.

 

On your MM's side: He probably did love you. (Unless he was a true psychopath who lies about it.) But when push came to shove, his love for you wasn't enough for him to break up his marriage and family.

 

And while he's a coward for not breaking up with you in a respectful way, he chose his M over you and must have told his W that he would never speak to you again. It doesn't necessarily mean that he didn't love you, but he made a decision to put the affair behind him.

 

On your side: You loved him. You knew it was a futile dynamic going in, but did what many of us OW's do, give it a shot because perhaps your situation is different, thinking, "Maybe this love stands a chance. Maybe it will all be worth it in the end." It didn't turn out that way, that's life.

 

But you've now got the task of packing up your love, bandaging up your wounds, and realizing that while your love was REAL, it just wasn't enough. It's not about being "good enough." The situation was just not meant to be. You may still love him, but what he can give you isn't enough for you either.

 

It's just life, yanno? We all have lost loves. Pack your love for him into your "ex boyfriends" box, along with the others, and let yourself move forward to someone who can be more than enough.

 

 

I am trying to move on, but part of me worries that one day, when the 'dust settles', he'll contact me and I need to practice my rejection lines, and not cave or let him speak to me.

 

Okay, so I know you're all gonna judge me for saying this. This guy had an affair only 12 months before we started ours, which lasted two months. He told his wife. She threw him out. But as for his conscience, recovering from the aftermath of that previous affair, isn't it strange he enters into another one so shortly afterwards? As for promising his wife he won't speak to me again, well, it doesn't add up, because we know his conscience doesn't prevent him from cheating on his W time and time again.

 

After seeing the pain she must have endured after the discovery of his previous affair, surely he'd never enter into an affair only 12 MONTHS later with me. Yes. I knew about it, and still entered into a 15 month affair. Many friends have been told to practice my rejection lines because when the dust settles, and the passion and excitment which he has now got back with his W (caused by arguing due to the cheating), will die away and that this man, who craves excitement in his life, will approach me with the guise that he now feels guilty that he hurt me and offer me an apology. Frankly, it would shock me to the core, providing I am over him by that time. I don't expect it to happen for a very long time. But I have to be wary it does. x

[wildsoul]

Well darlin' FWIW, I'm not judging you. You're in the phase of honestly looking at the red flags you overlooked before. That's GREAT. You need to admit those now. If anyone jumps on you for it, try to ignore them. I hate the rubbing-salt-in-the-wounds posters. But they aren't important. YOU getting your own answers is what's important.

 

Your friends are most likely right about him coming back sniffing around to start the affair again someday. You read it here all the time.

 

You might come up with a simple 10-reason or less list of "Reasons NOT to speak to xMM" and tape it near your phones, lest you be tempted to call or answer his calls.

 

LOL...my list is so short that I just keep it in my head. It goes like this:

1. He can't control his narcisstic temper.

 

2. He's a proven cheater.

 

3. He's STILL married.

When I was still in my missing him phase, those 3 things were my mantra. LOL.

 

I know it seems like you don't have closure because you didn't have a final good-bye, but if you think about it, you DO have closure. He was such a spineless jerk in how he ended it, than you have a reason to be mad.

 

Right now, being mad is your friend. It will buy you time to get used to not having him around. Then when you're weak moments come, you'll be further along and less tempted to start up again. Having a glaring "fatal flaw" as a reality check (and perhaps your bullet point list of reasons why NOT) will help strengthen your commitment to moving forward.

 

We're here for you!

[baloo2]

Wildsoul, you're an excellent writer. I am grateful for the support. Just to be nosy, you mentioned your affair with your MM resulted in his separation. What happened since then?

 

Second, you say you noted three things that would deter you from calling him when you missed him. I miss my ex MM (it's only been a month since this happened) and often, and I'm ashamed to admit this because of how he's hurt me, I still have strong sexual urges toward him. I am a lot younger than he is (twenties vs forties) and am considered very good looking, and most definitely out of his league (LOL). However I felt we connected in bed, and we had this immense sexual chemistry. His physical attraction to me was blatant, even over the phone, and with all this time apart it makes me wonder how he's coping without my loving. It seems a trivial thing to mention, but I guess what am trying to say is, is it normal to still have sexual feelings toward someone who treated you like dirt on the street?

[White Flower]

Wildsoul, you're an excellent writer. I am grateful for the support. Just to be nosy, you mentioned your affair with your MM resulted in his separation. What happened since then?

 

Second, you say you noted three things that would deter you from calling him when you missed him. I miss my ex MM (it's only been a month since this happened) and often, and I'm ashamed to admit this because of how he's hurt me, I still have strong sexual urges toward him. I am a lot younger than he is (twenties vs forties) and am considered very good looking, and most definitely out of his league (LOL). However I felt we connected in bed, and we had this immense sexual chemistry. His physical attraction to me was blatant, even over the phone, and with all this time apart it makes me wonder how he's coping without my loving. It seems a trivial thing to mention, but I guess what am trying to say is, is it normal to still have sexual feelings toward someone who treated you like dirt on the street?

I'd like to answer if you don't mind.

 

Yes, it is normal to have sexual feelings for someone you loved. Yes, he treated you 'like dirt' yet you did love this man. The normalcy comes from the loving him, not the man who did you wrong. I know this is one of the hardest things to get over. I hate to suggest you go out right away and find another lover but I know many men will suggest this because this is how they cope.

 

Try to remember the way he treated you over the way you loved him. Once this gets in balance, you'll start to feel your sexual urges for him to dissipate.

[baloo2]

They have dissipated somewhat already, most probably due to the way he's treated me. They're not as strong as they were. But it makes me wonder how he copes, and he told me he stopped sleeping with his wife in the last six months (yes-could be lies) because of his feelings for me. Sometimes, when having a low moment, I snigger to myself knowing how much he must be missing my body. Shameful, I know. Anything to get you through the day!

[White Flower]

They have dissipated somewhat already, most probably due to the way he's treated me. They're not as strong as they were. But it makes me wonder how he copes, and he told me he stopped sleeping with his wife in the last six months (yes-could be lies) because of his feelings for me. Sometimes, when having a low moment, I snigger to myself knowing how much he must be missing my body. Shameful, I know. Anything to get you through the day!

That's right sister;)