You may remember me...and I cannot continue living this way!

May 14, 2009

Yes, and that's why I wanted further information from the OP. If she's been going with him to doctor appointments, she's apprised. If it's heresay, I'm more suspect....

May 30, 2009

Let me just start by saying thank you to everyone for their advice. I know my situation is crazy and I know I need to do what's best for our kids. He is a great father and these kids love him to death. Again, making it hard for me to leave. He tells me everyday that he loves me, I am the woman he wants to spend his life with, that we are forever...etc, etc, etc. I love him so much that I believe him.

an update (for those asking about the cancer): I just left the hospital...MM was admitted on Wednesday with pneumonia. He almost died with 106 fever and low blood pressure. Just got out of the ICU today.

Kicker is, I just found out that he was in the hospital (almost 48 hours later). Here's the scenario: MM was on his way to the dr. Talked with him at 3:00. Called him at 6:30 to find out what was going on...no answer. Called again at 10:30...no answer. I flipped out and finally at 3:00 a.m. i drove over to her place only to find his car parked outside. i lost it and left him a note on his windshield telling him that he is a lying cheating bastard and that we are done. Then i ripped off his side mirror and drove home. On my way home i called him 4 times and left him 4 nasty messages. Then i called her and told her that she can have him and i hope that they are happy together! Next day (Thursday) I get a call from his bestfriend telling me that he is in the hospital. But i never received a phone call from him. Today (Friday) best friend calls me to ask me to go to the hospital with him so that we (me and MM) can talk. I said no. But after discussing situation with his dad and friends of mine, i decided to go. FINALLY get a phone call from MM as i am driving to hospital. He is crying and telling me that he misses me and loves me to death. Tells me his "story" and i told him that I don't believe him and we"ll talk when I get up there. In the hospital it is the same scenario, he is crying telling me that he loves me and that he is sorry. he said that he is not lying and that he has nothing to lose (because i told him that we are done and that he needs to get out).

Now I ask you: WHAT TO BELIEVE??

When I asked him why he didn't call me he said because as he was driving to the doctor that he was so disoriented that he didn't know what he was doing. And that while in the ICU there is no phone and his cell phones were dead (but yet he managed to call his dad and best friend and girlfriend and wife).

AGAIN...what to believe? Would I be a fool to take him back? Seeing him in that hospital bed (dying) was killing me! Killing me that I was being so cold and such a bitch to him.

May 30, 2009

AGAIN...what to believe? Would I be a fool to take him back?

Uh, yes you'd be a fool to take him back. Come on, he was at her house!

For you kid's sake, it's too bad that you don't believe that you deserve better than this. All of this continued drama has to take a toll on everyone...

Mr. Lucky

May 30, 2009

you love him. it's obvious that you love him. he has clearly shown you enough love for you to accept the sub-ideal circumstances under which you have been with him. there are people who will tell you that you shouldn't love him, that you are stupid for loving him, that you are immoral for loving him. that is totally counterproductive. your love is real. that doesn't mean it's healthy, or wise, or in the best interest of you or your children. gather your love for him onto and into yourself and your children, give yourself permission to get through the withdrawal, give yourself and your kids the care and respect you have not received from him. don't let anyone convince you to beat yourself up. forget about that. the past is the past. look to the future and give yourself patience, compassion, affirmation and strength. this is an intolerable situation for you and your kids. the only reason you have been tolerating it is because you have become inured to it. what would you say if your best friend were telling you these things? your sister? your mother? your daughter? give yourself the same love. you have a lot of painful and consuming obstacles before you. try to keep yourself firmly and militantly on your own side. much love to you.

May 30, 2009

what would you say if your best friend were telling you these things? your sister? your mother? your daughter? give yourself the same love. you.

Totally agree. It is a tough situation here. No matter what you do you will feel bad, but here is where you need to think what would be better for your children?

May 30, 2009

He's a good father...Really with no moral compass or sense of right and wrong!

This man is a liar and serial cheater and you are a foold to remain with him, he cheated on his wife with you, fact.

He cheated on you with another woman, fact.

And after he recouperates and get's better he'll find it someway in his twisted little mind to find someone else to F with. fact.

Because that's just the type of man he is.

Have you ever apologized to his ex wife? shoot is he still legally married?

Why place yourself and your kids with such a weak man, why are you such a weak woman to poach a man from another woman who has no remorse or regret about his nasty ways? WTF?

May 30, 2009

WHAT TO BELIEVE??

Nothing he says. He has put you in the worst position you could be in: a woman with his children and no legal rights at all. Does love really excuse that?

May 30, 2009

I am not sure why you are reacting so badly to your man?
When he asks you to just accept his cheating as part of him being ""$*%&ed" up and get past it", I agree with him -- Why don't you? You did exactly this when you first met him as a MM being involved with another woman -- his W -- NOW you want him to be monogamous?

If you could deal with him being a MM for 6 years, why suddenly switch on him now? You went into the R with him knowing you were sharing his love and attention, and you put up with it for years and years, and now you want to leave him for doing more of the same?! It doesn't make sense to me... aren't you being hypocritical?

I would think it was far worse for his wife to have to share him with you, for several years, when she didn't 'sign up' for that (on her wedding day)... but YOU did! Suck it up.

What an ignorant post I may say. Are you really that "d**b?) I am going to say this twice,, NO O/M OR M/M wants to be in that position... no one that I know... WE do expect that MM or MW follow through with their promises to D..Ya know that is what they kept telling us. Of coarse that is what we want/hope for/wait for..... DO YOU GET THAT? obviously Not, going by such a ignorant post that you wrote.. We do love this people,(surprise) I bet most, if not all would have left the A if we knew in our hearts that the outcome would be different, or knew the pain involved, but by the time US SLOW ow and om figure this out, its already too late. But are we happy to share?? HELL NO!! Obviously the Op was in a one on one R, HE did move out and has been with her. The problem she has is he is a serial cheater.... which I would advise her to drop him like a hot potatoe like Bent Stated....So why dont you suck up your ignorance,

May 30, 2009

He's a good father...Really with no moral compass or sense of right and wrong!

This man is a liar and serial cheater and you are a foold to remain with him, he cheated on his wife with you, fact.

He cheated on you with another woman, fact.

And after he recouperates and get's better he'll find it someway in his twisted little mind to find someone else to F with. fact.

Because that's just the type of man he is.

Have you ever apologized to his ex wife? shoot is he still legally married?

Why place yourself and your kids with such a weak man, why are you such a weak woman to poach a man from another woman who has no remorse or regret about his nasty ways? WTF?

"weak woman to Poach a man??? OMG,,, WTF is wrong with some of you today? Are the planets lined up wrong today? That we need to read sH*T like this from a nasty bs? If you cant give good advice to help poster, why dont you jump over on your board? I am sure you will have company...

May 30, 2009

while i might have phrased it differently, i want to concur with a point that mino makes that doesn't always seem to be fully understood or contemplated on this board. as stupid as it sounds, as much as we may look back in remorse and regret for thinking this, most OP really do believe that the MP will leave for them. it is some kind of shared hysteria that is almost impossible to dispell when you're in the middle of it. and of course, there are documented cases of MP leaving for OP, which only fuels the hope that you will be one of the lucky ones. and regardless of the wisdom of it (or lack thereof), you love that person with all your heart, or else you wouldn't be putting up with the calamitous pain and suffering that goes along with these situations. you can look back and smack yourself in the forehead for loving them, you can berate others for making the same errors. hindsight is 20/20 and all that. but anyone who's been in it knows that the desire to believe when someone is telling you they will give you what you want above all else trumps any kind of sense or reason in that moment. sad but true. why beat up on this woman who is clearly paying her own steep consequences? salt in the wound, y'all. salt in the wound.

May 30, 2009

while i might have phrased it differently, i want to concur with a point that mino makes that doesn't always seem to be fully understood or contemplated on this board. as stupid as it sounds, as much as we may look back in remorse and regret for thinking this, most OP really do believe that the MP will leave for them. it is some kind of shared hysteria that is almost impossible to dispell when you're in the middle of it. and of course, there are documented cases of MP leaving for OP, which only fuels the hope that you will be one of the lucky ones. and regardless of the wisdom of it (or lack thereof), you love that person with all your heart, or else you wouldn't be putting up with the calamitous pain and suffering that goes along with these situations. you can look back and smack yourself in the forehead for loving them, you can berate others for making the same errors. hindsight is 20/20 and all that. but anyone who's been in it knows that the desire to believe when someone is telling you they will give you what you want above all else trumps any kind of sense or reason in that moment. sad but true. why beat up on this woman who is clearly paying her own steep consequences? salt in the wound, y'all. salt in the wound.

Thank you for putting this in better words, I didnt know that I was so bad at getting my point across that I am misundertood.

But you worded it very nicely and that is my point.

May 30, 2009

i'm sorry, i should explain, mino - you were perfectly understandable. i've just been on this pacifistic crusade to have us all be nicer to each other, and trying to do as i say even when i'm angry at something someone has posted. i thought you were loud and clear, though.

May 30, 2009

OP:

What are you needing right now? Do you just need someone to vent to? Someone to listen?

I think that you are in a tough spot right now. You need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your children. You will have to live with your conscience.

((HUGS))

May 31, 2009

Now I ask you: WHAT TO BELIEVE??

Obviously not him. He's got you hook, line and sinker. Yeah you may love him, and he may love you, BUT he has NO respect for you at all. None.

When I asked him why he didn't call me he said because as he was driving to the doctor that he was so disoriented that he didn't know what he was doing. And that while in the ICU there is no phone and his cell phones were dead (but yet he managed to call his dad and best friend and girlfriend and wife).

I think deep down you KNOW the truth, but your heart and emotions aren't willing to allow the realistic side and rational side of you to take over.

AGAIN...what to believe? Would I be a fool to take him back? Seeing him in that hospital bed (dying) was killing me! Killing me that I was being so cold and such a bitch to him.

Yes, you're a fool if you take him back..And he's a fool for pretending that he is leaving his family. He isn't.

Yet he STILL chooses his wife over you. He MAY say he is leaving, wants to be with you, wants to marry you, have a life with you, but his actions show you different. True? He call tell you 100x how much he misses you, wants to hold you - BUT there is no follow through in action.

What do you want? Truly..This life? Of being his OW, putting up with this crap on a stick? Or do you want the pain and confusion, mistrust to end? The choice is yours..Take control.

June 1, 2009

"weak woman to Poach a man??? OMG,,, WTF is wrong with some of you today? Are the planets lined up wrong today? That we need to read sH*T like this from a nasty bs? If you cant give good advice to help poster, why dont you jump over on your board? I am sure you will have company...

Would you believe me if I told you that Mercury was in retrograde last week and just ended yesterday?

All hell breaks loose when Mercury is in retrograde, I swear.

June 1, 2009

OP: You are in the situation you are in because you believed a liar. You KNOW he is a liar. You HAVE to stop letting yourself get suckered.

He can cry all he wants, but you know the truth about him. He WON'T be the man you desperately want for you and your children, no matter what you say or what HE says.

You have GOT to show your children what a strong woman is, and what a strong person does in this kind of relationship.

Do you want your children to become liars and cheaters? Fix that NOW.

June 1, 2009

The wife is going to get all of his stuff, and half (if not all) of the stuff you accumulated with him.

I read a similar story before - the MM moves in with the OW and starts a new life but fails to divorce. He dies, and the W takes everything (even his body and funeral arrangements) and evicts the OW from the home that technically she owns half of. She made sure that every single thing that he bought for the OW was taken away since it was bought with money he was making while legally married.

Seriously, you need to get to a lawyer immediately before you find yourself and your children out on the street like that other woman was.

I've seen this happen too!

June 1, 2009

This is a messed up situation. There is so much to say, none of it really advice - just musings.

First, OP, you gotta do what is best for you and those children. And if kicking a man with cancer out of your home is it, then that is what you do. The way things currently stand, you won't get anything from him that you don't already have joint in the bank should he pass, as he is still married. And as long as he is still married, even half of what he has with you belongs to his W legally should she take you to court.

You won't even get to choose where to bury him while he is still married to her. Unless she gives you that responsibility (which she might).

His saying to you that he is messed up and he wants you to just accept it after cheating on you (its only an affair if you are actually married to him), is just the deal he figures you made with him in engaging in the affair while he was still married. Many MP think that way, especially MM. They figure you accept them, warts and all. They aren't thinking that the love you share is something transcendant like the OPs are usually thinking.

There is one thing about this OP that's not clear though. Cancer doesn't mean an instant death sentence, so who is it that's claiming that he's dying? Even certain kinds of cancer don't mean instant death - maybe a lingering one, but hardly instant. What kind of cancer was he diagnosed with - if you don't mind my asking?

June 2, 2009

But are we happy to share?? HELL NO!!

Then WHY start a relationship WITH someone who is already TAKEN?

How hard is it to figure out?

Married generally means unavailable.

And do you really think MM state right up front "I love my wife immensley and just want a roll in the hay?"

Sorry, but when you "poach" another person's spouse, why cry foul when you it doesn't work out?

You (general you) CHOOSE to get involved with a married man. That is a choice; not a gun to the head - a choice.

Why are people shocked when it doesn't work out -- especially the OP of this thread when she did exactly what she is pissed off about?

OP - you WOULD be a fool, IMHO, to believe ANYTHING out of his mouth. If he wanted to contact you immediately, he would have.

June 2, 2009

God you people are awful! Have a little sensitivity won't you?

June 2, 2009

This is really sad. However, as this man is dying, he is confused and unsure of who his anchor is, and although he has burned many bridges, he is the father of your children. I think it is important that your children spend time with their father, I know he is not a good significant other, but if he is a good or somewhat decent father, you do not want to rob your children of their only paternal lifeline. Once he's gone, he's gone forever, so you do not want your kids to resent you for not allowing them full access to their father. How long does he have? Facing death changes people, I don't think your relationship will ever turn around at this point, but be a good person. That doesn't mean you need to be at his side and at his beck and call, but you are part of his support system. You do not need to live with him, I just think it would be a nice gesture to help him find a new place, but you are not obligated to do so. Can he stay with is ex, or his new woman? Although you maybe be a part of his support system, you do NOT need to support him! He is a grown man, and despite his illness, he has resourses to live in assisted care, or with friends and family. You don't owe this man anything but the right to pass away in peace. You can keep your distance, your relationship with him is over, or will soon be. Just make sure that your kids are able to face their future knowing they have not been denyed their father, because if they are, you may never hear the end of it and may regret it. Your kids come first, and your needs are behind theirs, but don't sacrfice both your well being's for him. Be graceful, endure this hardship without sacrificing your integrity, and karma will take care of the rest.

June 4, 2009

There is one thing about this OP that's not clear though. Cancer doesn't mean an instant death sentence, so who is it that's claiming that he's dying? Even certain kinds of cancer don't mean instant death - maybe a lingering one, but hardly instant. What kind of cancer was he diagnosed with - if you don't mind my asking?

He has Multiple Myeloma. He was diagnosed in October and began chemo. But chemo has given him neuropathy so he no longer can have treatments. He is awaiting a bone marrow transplant. Without the transplant, dr's have given him 2-3 months.

June 4, 2009

Another update...

He is back here at home. He swears that he has nothing left to lose and that he is not lying to me about what happened.

Someone asked, what I am looking for....well, I am not quite sure. I guess that I just needed some reassurance from "others". I am tired of being the OW. Like others have said, my love is real and it really hurts. I have always heard that "once a cheater, always a cheater"...but I prayed in my situation it would be different. And it was...he left his wife and is now with me. FINALLY...only to find that me alone was not enough, and that once again, I am the OW (so to speak).

And a note to those who say that I knew what I was getting into...well he was separated from his wife when I began seeing him. We dated for 2 months before he moved back in with her. He was living at a friend's house and his dad died and he was taking custody of his brother and needed a "home" to raise him in. (As "cockamany" as that sounds....)

I don't know...I don't know what I want. I just want this hurt to go away. I want to do the right thing for me and these kids. I don't want to be the "bad guy". I want everyone to be happy! Especially me....

June 7, 2009

Please ensure you have all the legal documents needed to claim all benefits due your children upon his death. The others are correct in that his wife and his children with her will own everything he leaves.

Your children may be eligible for social benefits such as survivor's benefits in the U.S. Does he have a will, life insurance? You are to see to all this on behalf of your children.

June 7, 2009

LOL just because they are his biological children doesnt mean they are getting anything. most likely they are getting jack squat. I mean think about it, if he's still legally married and have kids with his wife, then his responsibility finacially should be his first borns. Not the kids with the mistress.

second, he's never pushed for the divorce, in all the 6 years this woman has been with him, she's telling me he's never gotten out of his marriage and been wholeheartedly with the OP.

And just because he was seperated doesnt mean anything, I dont believe it, neither should you. I think maybe his wife kicked him out for indiscretions before hand and he lied to you about them. He has lied about the OW, what makes you think he's not capable of lying now?

And cancer doesnt always equal automatic death sentence. If he can get that bone marrow, he can rebound surely but the odds are slim.

I'll tell the OP this, Not once have you thought second hand about his wife and the truth to their seperation, in all those years time sleeping with this guy, why didnt he finalize the divorce, why have kids with him knowing he was still leaglly binded to another woman. now if he dies she has major say so in his will and estate and whatnot, you dont. He may leave you some money but you arent legally married to him so you may not even be invited to the will reading, (just a thought) Who knows what else might happen. And even after all the stuff this man put you through why are you still with him. He didnt even call you to tell you he was sick, his friend like a lapdog summoned you and you went running, even after you found out he called others you was cool with it?

WTF?

...This man doesnt care about you, your just a means to an end for him.

Believe it or not. That what you are to him. I'm sorry. but that's the truth.

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