You may remember me...and I cannot continue living this way!

[FiveAlarmJockey]

Hello. Some of you may remember me from about 2 years ago. I have been dating my MM for 6+ years now and we have 2 kids together. Things have definitely changed since I've last posted. MM finally left his wife and moved in with me about 1 year ago (although he is still legally married). After 4 months of us living together, MM had an affair (with a new lady). I know I shouldn't be surprised after the circumstances that brought us together, but it really hurt. I have continuously attempted to end our relationship but he insists that he is not leaving me or his family. He wants me to "accept" that he "$*%&ed" up and get past it. I have asked him to get out (even gone as far as packing his stuff and setting it on the curb) and leave me and kids alone. He KEEPS coming back...KEEPS saying all the right things...and KEEPS insisting that we are "forever". 3 months into his affair, MM was diagnosed with cancer which makes me ending it even harder. After months of me forgiving him, I have since found out that MM continues his relationship with her and he even admits that he loves her. But now that he is dying, I don't have the heart to throw him out again. I do not want to continue like this. He is still married, lives with me and his kids, and is having a relationship with another woman. I am in a unique situation and cannot get out. I feel so trapped! I hate my life right now! I hate him! and cannot continue living this way! HELP!

[bentnotbroken]

Get professional help and move on. You picked a real gem to have kids with. It's time you take on the responsibility of being a stable parent and get this horrible influence out of your children's lives. Then you need to get yourself together so the can see an emotionally healthy parent. Learn from this expensive lesson and teach your children never to do this to another human being. As you can see the deception wasn't worth the pain that sad sack of human flesh has spread around with your assistance.

[OldEurope]

Dear Five,

 

All right. First things first: deep breath, and just be calm. You have you, you have lived and loved with a full heart, and you have two little ones, born of a love you shared with this man--a very risky love.

 

Okay. You have a terrible situation but not one that has to bring you under.

 

My advice is that you--yes you--move out, toddlers and all. I would live in a hotel (more people do or have than you think). If that is not possible, do you have a relative to whom you may go?

 

What I would do is the following: Be there and not be there. He is a punk and a screw up ....But he is dying (or could be) and has been a major part of your life. It has been a messy life, but clearly your passion once carried you six years with him. Let that be.

 

I would distance myself without going AWOL---I myself, even in so mind boggling a situation, would not be able to leave a man with cancer I have loved and had two children with. However, I would not hang around in the same living space at all as a matter of personal dignity.

 

You needn't "hate your life". You have to DEAL with your life as it has just been handed to you on a pretty flimsy platter.

 

Protect yourself, your kids and move out, nearby or within visiting distance. See him, but don't be "with" him. This would be the best solution.

 

xo

OE

[bentnotbroken]

I wish that platter was handed to her. Unfortunately, she picked it up with both hands. Now it's time to drop it like a hot potato.

[jwi71]

So your MM, who is STILL married to his wife, lives with you and is having another A he won't quit and he's dying. You also have two children by him.

 

Advice: Send him back to the W he won't divorce IF she'll have him. Failing that, send him to the OW (the other one, not you).

 

In ANY case...run away. He has shown his TRUE colors. Its all you can do to protect yourself.

 

I AM sorry this is your life. But you need to move on.

[wildsoul]

Your story may be one of the most painful I've ever read on this board. I'm speechless. Not a bit of advice, except to say this:

 

In a situation that is SO difficult as this, you really need to tune into whatever kind of higher power you have.

 

FWIW, I just said a prayer for you, your kids, and him too.

[Heather1]

Make sure your kids are on his life insurance policy......you need a lawyer.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do not want to continue like this. He is still married, lives with me and his kids, and is having a relationship with another woman. I am in a unique situation and cannot get out. I feel so trapped! I hate my life right now! I hate him! and cannot continue living this way! HELP!

I just can't get past the irony of your situation as, two years ago, that statement could have easily have been written by his wife. Perhaps your situation isn't so "unique" ???

 

I think that jwi71's advice to send him back to his W is sound. Your focus needs to be on your kids. Let him figure out his own path...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bentnotbroken]

If I were the wife, I wouldn't divorce him either. I would stay married, make sure he had a nice insurance policy(though if he doesn't already have one, the diagnosis of cancer will make it almost impossible to get one) and then wait for him to die. It's clear that she has moved on with her life without him. But since he never felt the need to divorce her, why should she do him the favor?

[OldEurope]

I am surprised at the coldness of some of the responses here. The man is dying of cancer. He's obviously not that old (I assume). He is getting his come uppance. She, the OP, has said that she doesn't feel right leaving him at this time.

 

The wife hanging on--through his fathering two children and perhaps yet in love with another woman--just to collect goodies on the insurance is just grotesque. She is as abysmal in character as he. Had she the least amount of self respect she would have divorced him hesto presto when he went off with the OP. I will never ever ever for the life of me understand a woman staying with a man who is in love with another woman. The height of low self esteem

 

xo

OE

[JeezLouise]

I am surprised at the coldness of some of the responses here. The man is dying of cancer. He's obviously not that old (I assume). He is getting his come uppance. She, the OP, has said that she doesn't feel right leaving him at this time.

 

The wife hanging on--through his fathering two children and perhaps yet in love with another woman--just to collect goodies on the insurance is just grotesque. She is as abysmal in character as he. Had she the least amount of self respect she would have divorced him hesto presto when he went off with the OP. I will never ever ever for the life of me understand a woman staying with a man who is in love with another woman. The height of low self esteem

 

xo

OE

 

conversely, what sort of man doesn't divorce his wife in order to truly commit to the woman he claims to love and their children?

 

There are a lot of reasons why someone may not divorce. Health insurance, for one big one. If one of the spouses is on the other's health insurance policy and has a pre-existing condition, then it may not be feasible (or kind) to force that spouse off onto a COBRA policy, which may be more than the spouse can afford.

 

Just imagine (and I have no idea if this is true) - MM has cancer, and is on his ex-wife's policy at work. She divorces him and kicks him off the policy, and he can't afford his COBRA payments. Now that would be pretty cold, eh?

[Reggie]

Well, he obviously does not love you. Is it your house or his. Put his stuff out and call the cops if he won't go away. Hopefully, he has provided for the kids future, although that seems a little doubtful.

Is he paying support. If not, get some legal help to insure your kids are provided for. And, get tested for STDs.

[bentnotbroken]

I am surprised at the coldness of some of the responses here. The man is dying of cancer. He's obviously not that old (I assume). He is getting his come uppance. She, the OP, has said that she doesn't feel right leaving him at this time.

 

The wife hanging on--through his fathering two children and perhaps yet in love with another woman--just to collect goodies on the insurance is just grotesque. She is as abysmal in character as he. Had she the least amount of self respect she would have divorced him hesto presto when he went off with the OP. I will never ever ever for the life of me understand a woman staying with a man who is in love with another woman. The height of low self esteem

 

xo

OE

 

 

 

I said that's what I would do. I don't know why the wife didn't divorce. But should I feel sorry for a pathetic excuse for a man who has cancer, no I don't. I know the kind of pain he will be in, I have lost so many relatives to cancer, I have lost count. Do I wish the worst on him, no. Do I think he is reaping something, maybe. Do I think he deserves care and concern from anyone, no. He has shown that he isn't capable of giving these emotions, so how can he necessarily receive them from the people he has treated like crap. Maybe hospice is a better choice for him. Be careful the cup you piss in, you might have to drink out of it one day. That's goes for all of us.

[Montclair0011]

Wow, this is a bad situation. I can't imagine how the children in this situation are faring. They are going to loose their father and their mother is an emotional wreck on so many levels. Might be better to try to keep the screaming and dramarama scenes to a minimum, even if emotions are running high. The guy is a jerk but since he's dying his philandering days are about to be behind him like split milk.

 

Try to look on the practical side and do what's best for the children. I don't think you should worry about doing what you "should" do as Old Europe seems to advise. Who cares about the state of your self-esteem (which can not possibly be high) when you such a big mess? Go to a shrink later to fix that. Right now is time for decisions and action.

 

BTW, I'm still married to my horrible husband although he left me for OW three years ago. Good thing too, because when I lost my job I still had my health insurance through him and I did not have to sell the house or come up with money to buy him out (although if I don't get a job soon that may change). The point is, practically speaking, I'm in better shape than if I had done the "right" think and divorced his butt when he left as everyone advised me to.

 

The OP should think along these lines too. As some have advised, the #1 priority is getting support for the children worked out NOW. Talk to a lawyer and see what kind of claim you can make and what kind of evidence you need to provide such as proof of paternity, etc. . .

[Mr. Lucky]

I will never ever ever for the life of me understand a woman staying with a man who is in love with another woman. The height of low self esteem

 

xo

OE

Would you give the advice to the OP, who now plays the role of BS to her MM's OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

[fooled once]

The phrase "what goes around, comes around" comes to mind.

 

Perfect example of why I would never be with a cheater....

 

If I was the wife, I wouldn't divorce him.

 

And I have no sympathy for the OP in regards to much of this.

 

She chose to have 2 children with a married man. The ONLY ones hurt here are the 2 kids. Their dad is married to someone other than their mom, he is cheating on mom and now has cancer.

 

The wife will get the insurance money - make no doubt about that. And why shouldn't she. Seems like the cheating man chose to NOT divorce her. Wonder how she likes explaining that her cheating husband is living with his mistress and the kids they have together and NOW she is really having a laugh because the woman he cheated on her with is now being cheated on.

 

Kinda like poetic justice.

 

You chose to NOT kick him to the curb when you found out about the other woman --- no matter what his health status is. Let his new girlfriend deal with his health.

 

As for this

I have continuously attempted to end our relationship but he insists that he is not leaving me or his family.

*cough* bull***** *cough*

 

Obviously you didn't try hard enough or want to end it badly enough.

 

Another person can't force you to stay in a relationship you want out of.

[OldEurope]

Would you give the advice to the OP, who now plays the role of BS to her MM's OW?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I believe I gave her that advice. I told her to leave--to move out, to stay with relatives or in a hotel or a new place if she can--but to be in contact only with regard to his health.

 

OE

[Chrome Barracuda]

This man, obviously doesnt care about her, he's a serial cheater, she should go get his money for all he's worth, while he's still alive! let the new OW take care of him, this is karma come home to roost.

 

And I as well feel sorry for the children. They didnt deserve to have a idiot father create them.

 

what more can we say to her that she knws needs to be done. So he has cancer in this case so what? That isnt your concerne right now your first priority is taking care of those kids, and doing RIGHT by them.

 

Have you exposed the affair to people?

[willing]

He wants me to "accept" that he "$*%&ed" up and get past it. I have asked him to get out (even gone as far as packing his stuff and setting it on the curb)(...)

 

I hate my life right now! I hate him! and cannot continue living this way! HELP!

I am not sure why you are reacting so badly to your man?

When he asks you to just accept his cheating as part of him being ""$*%&ed" up and get past it", I agree with him -- Why don't you? You did exactly this when you first met him as a MM being involved with another woman -- his W -- NOW you want him to be monogamous?

 

If you could deal with him being a MM for 6 years, why suddenly switch on him now? You went into the R with him knowing you were sharing his love and attention, and you put up with it for years and years, and now you want to leave him for doing more of the same?! It doesn't make sense to me... aren't you being hypocritical?

 

I would think it was far worse for his wife to have to share him with you, for several years, when she didn't 'sign up' for that (on her wedding day)... but YOU did! Suck it up.

[MichelleS1983]

Admittedly, I'm not surprised whatsoever to hear of your MM's sleazy behavior. That's to be expected when you align yourself with a lying cheater who breeds out of wedlock.

 

Honestly FiveAlarm, you watched him lie and sneak and cheat for YEARS during your affair, didn't you? Did you REALLY expect someone of his low character to suddenly have integrity once he moved out of his marital home and into yours? Sounds to me like this moron just wants a woman around to wipe his ass for him while he continually acts like a low life piece of shi*t chasing tail.

 

Don't be surprised if his latest 'girlfriend' gets knocked up - he seems to love having illegitimate kids all over the countryside.

 

I doubt his wife wants his worthless ass and I certainly couldn't blame her. Maybe you should just let this jerk play musical chairs to decide who gets stuck caring for him in his final days. Whatever woman's bed he happens to be in at the moment he discovers he can no longer take care of himself, she'll be the "winner." I sure hope when it happens that he's not in some crack whore's bed in a $30 sleazebag hotel room or he's going to be sh*it out of luck in that scenario.

 

You've let the guy disrespect you for YEARS by having an affair with him and then having his kids. You did everything but let him wipe his shoes on your back every time he came to your place. That's more than enough - let some other stupid woman waste her time on this loser, now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The wife is going to get all of his stuff, and half (if not all) of the stuff you accumulated with him.

 

I read a similar story before - the MM moves in with the OW and starts a new life but fails to divorce. He dies, and the W takes everything (even his body and funeral arrangements) and evicts the OW from the home that technically she owns half of. She made sure that every single thing that he bought for the OW was taken away since it was bought with money he was making while legally married.

 

Seriously, you need to get to a lawyer immediately before you find yourself and your children out on the street like that other woman was.

[jasminetea]

I suppose he does actually have cancer?

[carhill]

Yes, since the OP appears to still be supportive of the MM and lives with him, she should be going to his doctor appointments with him. Two heads are better than one in these situations, given the stress. OP?

 

My advice is to do what is best for yourself and your children. If that means remaining with MM, so be it. Reality sometimes trumps idealism. I would suggest getting some legal help as this is a complex situation and children are involved.

 

My sympathies....

[Awakening]

I'm with Jasmine....wondering if he really does have cancer. This is a classic ploy used by con artists and he sounds like a true con artist.

[Mr. Lucky]

My advice is to do what is best for yourself and your children. If that means remaining with MM, so be it. Reality sometimes trumps idealism. I would suggest getting some legal help as this is a complex situation and children are involved.

 

My sympathies....

Have to agree with this, but only if the OP determines that this is what is best for HER and her kids. I certainly wouldn't stay out of empathy for her MM's illness as reality does indeed sometimes trump idealism...

 

Mr. Lucky