marty7 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 i finally succeeded in breaking up with gf after a year. the delays were due to: her studies and a major illness and recovery. as a result, she went off birth control (she informed me she might do this), and i had a weak moment (after our breakup)...she seduced me. she is now 10 weeks pregnant. i broke up with her as she had not been honest regarding major health issues. i said i will be there for the kid and will move in for a while and work on the relationship with her. but she wants a 100% long term commitment. she has not an honest person regarding her health, and i am concerned i will not be happy with her. we are in counseling, but she lies to the counselor only pissing me off more. should i tell her that i am committed to the kid, but not to her? i know i did not have to sleep with her, but does that action require i marry her?
Tryng2Trust08 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 She didnt seduce you, it takes two, so dont think like that. Yes, you have an obligation to your child and in turn an obligation to her to support her through this pregnancy and raising the child together. You dont have to get married if it's something you do not want, she shouldnt force this on you. Agreeing to work on the relationship is a start, go from there.
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If you do not want to marry her, then doing so just to "keep the peace" or please her or whatever can only have negative consequences further down the road...for your child, your child's mother, and you. But I am wondering: Would you want to spend the rest of your life with her if she had been 100% honest with you about her health? I get that you believe she is lying to your counselor -- are they factual lies, or is it that you more think that she's lying about her feelings, beliefs, perceptions, etc.?
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Nobody told you to have unprotected sex with her, you know that and you know the risk. Why is her health such a major factor for you? Are you in love with her body or her the PERSON? I tend to believe it's the former. Honestly, just based on the information you have provided here if I were her, I wouldn't want you as a husband or a father to my child, but that's my decision. You have to do what the "state" says you must as a father, but honestly if I were you, let her be free to find someone who loves her for who she is, what WHAT she is.
Author marty7 Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 her health is an issue as she had a major illness and almost died last year. she had a pre-existing condition that she understated beforehand. i learned about various other health issues after she got pregnant, so i have a hard time believing her. i would not have dated her if i knew about the extent of her health issues. i think she is using the kid to have me as a caretaker. she was lying to the counselor to put me down (to counter truth's i was saying about her) and lie about the status of our relationship(factual lies). i love her (not just her body) but i do not think i can deal with her health baggage and her dishonesty. she actually does not require marriage, but she says i have to live with her til the kid graduates high school. and there is no way out. in other words, i will want to get married for societal and finanacial reasons. all i am doing is trying to work on things with her. maybe it will work out with her, but no guarantees.
GorillaTheater Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 she actually does not require marriage, but she says i have to live with her til the kid graduates high school. Or else what? This is all so stupid. Look, you are obligated to support your child, but shotgun weddings (even if there's no actual wedding) went out of style some time ago. You have NO OBLIGATION to do ANYTHING beyond child support and being a dad to your child. That doesn't have anything to do with living with her. Or even talking to her more than necessary. and there is no way out. Sure there is. But it's your call.
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 i would not have dated her if i knew about the extent of her health issues. i love her (not just her body) Sounds more like, "I would love her...if only she had a healthier body than she actually has." Which is fair enough. You totally get to choose your own "no-go zones" and deal-breakers. It is a good thing that you have enough self-awareness to know that you aren't equipped to support her through her health issues. Funnily enough, it is probably your attitude towards this subject that led to her decision to withhold her important information from you. Maybe it was intuitive on her part, However she sensed it, though, it was obviously accurate that you would not have stuck around had she been totally honest with you. You've proved that she was right not to trust you about that. she actually does not require marriage, but she says i have to live with her til the kid graduates high school. That's kind of the same as marriage, except for the piece of paper. As a parent, you are responsible for your child's mental, emotional, spiritual and material needs and well-being. But you're not actually obligated to the other parent...except as how your relationship with [her] will impact your child. If you do not want to live with the two of them, do not do it. You can take care of your responsibilities and obligations to your child without being suckered into a situation that you really don't want for yourself.
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