RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I received a hand written letter from my ex apologizing for how he ended things and for hurting me. Just looking talk things out on LS. I am a mix of emotions today. My story is kinda old so ask me any questions.
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 So he admitted to being a jerk, now what? What does he want? Just to relieve his conscious???
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I received a hand written letter from my ex apologizing for how he ended things and for hurting me. Just looking talk things out on LS. I am a mix of emotions today. My story is kinda old so ask me any questions. What was your response if any? A high school gf who I dated for 5 years broke up with me for another guy because she wanted to sow her oats, only to try and get me back after about 4 months. Then about 3 years later, she was married, I was still single, she used my grandfather's death as an excuse to write me a letter. And in it she told me that she wish things had been different for us. So here I was grieving over my grandfather, he and I were very close, and she takes the opportunity to contact me when I didn't want to speak to her again. So I put the letter in an envelope, addressed it to her husband with a post-it note in there saying "tell your wife to leave me alone". Never heard from her again. Mission accomplished.
Author RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Hey Caliguy! How goes it? Well, he admitted to being a jerk, having made a mistake and apologized. Said I am awesome (which I am! ha!), that he is still struggling to deal with everything that happened and that he misses me. What does he want? I don't know. Part of me cares, part of me says shove it. More importantly, what do I want? I don't know that either. I don't think the letter was intentionally self-serving or meant to relieve his guilt-- yeah, I'm sure that it does serve those purposes too -- but the whole thing is so darn sad, really.
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 What was your response if any? A high school gf who I dated for 5 years broke up with me for another guy because she wanted to sow her oats, only to try and get me back after about 4 months. Then about 3 years later, she was married, I was still single, she used my grandfather's death as an excuse to write me a letter. And in it she told me that she wish things had been different for us. So here I was grieving over my grandfather, he and I were very close, and she takes the opportunity to contact me when I didn't want to speak to her again. So I put the letter in an envelope, addressed it to her husband with a post-it note in there saying "tell your wife to leave me alone". Never heard from her again. Mission accomplished. Ouch dude. That's harsh! (I like it, though!)
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Hey Caliguy! How goes it? Well, he admitted to being a jerk, having made a mistake and apologized. Said I am awesome (which I am! ha!), that he is still struggling to deal with everything that happened and that he misses me. What does he want? I don't know. Part of me cares, part of me says shove it. More importantly, what do I want? I don't know that either. I don't think the letter was intentionally self-serving or meant to relieve his guilt-- yeah, I'm sure that it does serve those purposes too -- but the whole thing is so darn sad, really. The question isn't really what does he want. The question is "What do you want?!" If you have healed completely and are happy then my suggestion is to just put the letter in a box and move on with your life. I think a letter is cheesy to be honest. If you really miss someone and think you made a mistake, you get off your a$$ and go see them in person. But most people are insecure and feel that they can just write a letter and correct all the wrongs. Not in my book. Actions, not words! So really, Rogue, what do YOU want? Is this guy worth your trouble? Has he proven anything to you (other than being a coward and a jerk?). You are in the drivers seat. You either pick up this "hitchhiker" or you move along, hoping to find someone better along the way
Author RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Dexter, I'm sorry your ex was so callous. They always find a way to dig in when you don't want them around. That must have been very frustrating and painful for you. Good job sticking to what you wanted. What was your response if any? I haven't responded yet. I just received it yesterday and I am still taking time to process everything. It is funny though, I didn't cry. If I had received this several months ago I would be a wreck. Actually, I still went out with friends and had a great time -- didn't even mention the thing! I know that he didn't break up with me to be with someone else and heard from some mutual friends that he has been dating but I try to keep those conversations to a minimum. None of my business. It has been almost 10 months and we have barely spoken... only contact is when we unexpectedly run into each other (like when I am on first dates. Remember that from Oct? ha!).
Author RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Ah, yes, the million dollar question. What do I want? I'm not really sure what I want. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I don't want to get back together -- not consciously at least. I do miss him and I really did love him, so much of me still does, but it would take a heck of a lot more than one letter for me to even consider that possibility. CG, I totally agree with you -- actions, not just words need to correct past and current wrongs. So really, Rogue, what do YOU want? Is this guy worth your trouble? Has he proven anything to you (other than being a coward and a jerk?). The only thing he has proven to me is that he had very strong feelings for me, was a commitment phobe and that he is lonely.
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Well, he admitted to being a jerk, having made a mistake and apologized. ... that he is still struggling to deal with everything that happened and that he misses me. One way to assess it is: Is the letter about HIM, or about you? IMO "I'm struggling and I miss you" can also be interpreted as, "I'm weak and helpless" -- and people who have that mindset are gonna end up acting like jerks and as if they're entitled to special allowances and forgiveness while they carry on acting like jerks...cos they are weak, helpless, not in control, etc. If, on the other hand, he was able to demonstrate that he gets how YOU felt while he was acting like a jerk (your specific feelings, not just a general "you must have felt crappy")...that could be the start of his self-awareness, learning how his words and actions impact others, and taking responsibility for changing his hurtful (to others) attitude and behaviours.
Author RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 One way to assess it is: Is the letter about HIM, or about you? Ronnie -- very insightful thinking. I'd say the letter was mostly about me -- 70% about me, 30% about him. He realizes that his actions caused me real and honest pain. He doesn't say that he regrets his decision but does say that it was a mistake. The apology goes beyond, "you must have felt crappy." It is hard for me to swallow that his actions also may have caused him pain. It is easier to cope when I can/could just think of him as a jerk without feelings. Part of me wants to say -- dude you made a decision, now stop whining and deal with the consequences of your actions. And then a different part of me longs to comfort him. How screwed up is that? I'm not upset anymore that the relationship ended. The part that still occasionally hurts is the brutal way things just ended but I think it was actually something that I needed to go through. It pushed me to grow in ways I didn't think were possible and really figure out who I am.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I haven't responded yet. I just received it yesterday and I am still taking time to process everything. I'd say let it be. I know in my situation I didn't, but as long as she isn't writing the letter as if she wanted to keep you as an option later, I simply wouldn't respond. In my case, she used my grandfather's death as an excuse to write. It is funny though, I didn't cry. If I had received this several months ago I would be a wreck. Well, what kind of gets me is, what is she thinking? What if it took you a while to heal, move on...and when you finally did, she writes this to appease her own guilt and risked ruining your progress of moving on? Sounds like you didn't let it get to you, which is good. Again, did she word the letter in any way leading you on for the future? if not, just ignore the letter.
CaliGuy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Ah, yes, the million dollar question. What do I want? I'm not really sure what I want. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I don't want to get back together -- not consciously at least. I do miss him and I really did love him, so much of me still does, but it would take a heck of a lot more than one letter for me to even consider that possibility. CG, I totally agree with you -- actions, not just words need to correct past and current wrongs. The only thing he has proven to me is that he had very strong feelings for me, was a commitment phobe and that he is lonely. If you want him back then you tell him something along the lines of this: You hurt me in the past. You can do it again. I refuse to allow myself to be hurt again. Actions speak louder than words. Go to Counseling, get your phobias fixed and call me after your sessions are complete. Something along those lines. Really what you want to do is lay it out that you are aware of his issues and that you love each other but you refuse to repeat the mistakes of the past. It's HIM that needs to be fixed here, not you. You are not the problem, HE is. And until he gets professional help to figure himself out and get his issues fixed, any attempt at reconcilliation will FAIL. Only through Counseling can the true reasons for his issues be corrected and a HAPPY relationship exist. This is what I mean by ACTIONS. He not only needs to pursue you and HARD, but he needs to go get help. Those are the kinds of actions that mean something. You feelin' me here?
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Ouch dude. That's harsh! (I like it, though!) not as harsh as her writing me that letter and disrespecting her husband behind his back. I felt he deserved to know:)
Dexter Morgan Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Again, did she word the letter in any way leading you on for the future? if not, just ignore the letter. Sorry rogue, I meant to write "he" where all of me "she"s are.
Author RogueAC Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 CG, roger that. In addition to pursing me, I would need him to demonstrate that he is making a concerted effort to figure out his issues and fix them. I do love this person but at this point, I am not considering a reconciliation. Dexter, I read between the he/shes. IMO, it was not an attempt to "string me along" or poke around to see if I am still interested. Luckily, where I am at in the healing process really doesn't relate to him anymore -- it is all internal stuff now. I take it as a fairly genuine apology for hurting me. It was far more heart felt and honest than I expected an ex could be. Letting him go, letting that relationship go was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. As far as responding, my initial instinct is to just let it go, but knowing myself, I will probably at least want to talk to him about it. I mean this was someone I wanted to share my life with. I dunno. I guess that is why I feel so melancholy and sad for him too, really.
Ronni_W Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 my initial instinct is to just let it go, but knowing myself, I will probably at least want to talk to him about it. You could respond something like, "Thanks for your letter. I'm sorry that you're now facing the consequences of your prior actions but I've also learned that we just have to do that. Maybe a therapist or counselor will help you work through it quicker? If you do choose that route, I wish you the very best...and would be interested to hear how it is going." Sort of, you can be supportive and leave a window open for whatever...but you're also being clear that him taking care of his own crap is a part of what you want/need to see.
playlislay Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I know that you have said that you are not sure of what his intentions are for sending the letter, but from what you have read, is there any indication AT ALL that he may want you back? I think I may need to go back and read your story in order to understand it all fully..........but is he really worth it after so much time apart? I know its a crap question, but I cant bear the fact that my partner walked out on me to never look back. If he wrote me a letter like that after ten months with the intention of getting me back then I think I would decline. I love him more than my own life itself, but thinking that he can walk in and out of my life when he pleases is NOT good enough for me. Ok, so he only done this once and may never return, but I couldnt do it. Ive built my walls and they are staying there! I suppose it is all down to your mind-set and the reason you broke up. Let me have a lil read and get back to you!
Author RogueAC Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Ronni -- thanks for the idea. I haven't responded yet but I like the idea of being supportive but firm with my own needs/wants. Play -- I do wonder if it is worth it. He unilaterally decided that the relationship was over and was determined to end what we had regardless of my feelings. I implemented NC because it was the only way I knew how to deal with the pain he caused me. We have spoken a few times intentionally and all other contact involved us randomly running into each other. I've wondered so many times why things happened the way they did but I've also worked really hard to turn this into a positive experience and am determined to grow from it. Thanks everyone for listening.
Author RogueAC Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Okay -- so I decided to respond to the ex with a letter. I spent some time drafting it and will probably go over it with my therapist before I make any decisions about sending it, etc. BUT, I just read the 15 page thread from Teacher's Pet and the myspace message/e-mails that he had been exchanging from with his ex from many years back. My situation is very different from his, but now, I'm starting to second guess myself, even though my initial response was to write and send something. What do you guys think?
sunshinegirl Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 I think you should do what YOU need to do - no matter what anyone on LS or anywhere else says. A few years ago with a previous ex, I went through a similar debate about broken NC and what to say, etc. I relied too much on what other people thought I should do, and ignored my gut instincts. In the end, I parroted what other people thought I should put in an email, and wound up feeling like I had been untrue to myself and what I needed out of the exchange. It felt very disingenuous in the end. So I think you should make your own decision, with eyes wide open, about whether/when/how to respond. It might hurt, it might set you back, you might not hear things you expect or want to hear... but this is about you and your needs. If you have unanswered questions, or things you need to say to bring a greater sense of closure to the relationship, so be it.
Author RogueAC Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 So I think you should make your own decision, with eyes wide open, about whether/when/how to respond. It might hurt, it might set you back, you might not hear things you expect or want to hear... but this is about you and your needs. If you have unanswered questions, or things you need to say to bring a greater sense of closure to the relationship, so be it. Thanks for the advice SSG. I don't really have any more questions. There are things I do want to express -- my own feelings, which was something that I always struggled to communicate with him. This is a really good opportunity to practice. I am worried about my expectations though. I am wondering if deep down I am responding because I am not over him and I still want to work things out.-- especially if I write what I want to.
Chinook Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Rogue, I think until you're clear, then you probably shouldn't make a substantial reply just now. If you're confused and need more time to think about it - just send him a little note back saying 'got your letter, I need some time to think about what I want to say to you' (or similar).
Author RogueAC Posted May 18, 2009 Author Posted May 18, 2009 Hey Chinook -- those were my thoughts too. I sent a message over the weekend that let him know I got the letter and would like to respond but need more time. He responded to take as much time as I need and if I am willing he would really like to meet for coffee/drinks.
Author RogueAC Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 An update: I just found out that the ex will be at the same event as me tonight. I haven't replied to his letter yet. There will be a lot of people there that we both know so I will have plenty of people to talk to but I am so nervous!!! I won't bring up the past r but... Any words of encouragement would really help.
CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 An update: I just found out that the ex will be at the same event as me tonight. I haven't replied to his letter yet. There will be a lot of people there that we both know so I will have plenty of people to talk to but I am so nervous!!! I won't bring up the past r but... Any words of encouragement would really help. He apologized and you should forgive but that doesn't mean you have to be his friend. You have come a long way, have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem and are worthy of being loved, as we all are. You don't need anyone in your life who takes you for granted. You can do this. Don't let him see you sweat. Be happy, fun, mingle with friends and have a good time. You're not there to see him you are there to have fun!
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