I so desperately want us to work but there are so many problems

[Littlemadam]

Hi guys, this is my first post here, and after reading some of your posts I have learnt alot, and shocked by some of it.

 

Me and my partner have been together nearly 4 years. We are due to get married this time next year and I love him to bits. I am in tears, I have had to leave work early as I am so emotionally drained, I hope someone can help

 

The other day I asked him about the porn he is looking at, I don't have an issue with any kind of porn, but when he was lying and swearing on my life and his families that he hadn't been looking at any at all I realised then I can't trust him.

 

That night he begged and pleaded for us to stay together, I have never seen him so upset. After alot of me being too numb to want to be with him we finally started talking. I love him so much, I really do, and I have stuff I need to change to make this relationship work too. We don't have enough sex (my fault), and I can sometimes be moody.

 

After all we spoke about and 36 hours on I feel like he is not going to make the effort to get us to work. I have started drawing up a list of what I am happy with, unhappy and where I need to change etc. I fear asking him to do this will show how little effort he really wants to put in.

 

If we do end, and it is my choice, I am not strong enough to stick to my guns. I am so weak with that. Does anyone have any advice then I would be so greatful as I am so sitting here crying because I dont know how to make things better.

 

He did cook and wash up last night, and met me after work last night, but it's the closeness we are lacking and I just dont know what to do.

 

I hope someone can help

 

Thanks xxx

[giotto]

so, let me try and understand, from what I can gather from your sketchy description...

 

You don't have enough sex with him, so he is looking at porn. You get mad at him because he denies it (which is a normal thing to do, if you are caught red-handed... pun intended...), although you don't have an issue with porn. He has lied to you now - about porn - so now you are distraught and want to break-up... don't you think you are a bit exaggerating? Let him watch porn and don't ask him... if you have sex more frequently with him, maybe he won't watch porn at all and won't have to lie to you...

[Littlemadam]

Hiya,

 

Sorry I didn't make myself clear enough, thinking about it though I do agree with your pount about just letting him watch it.

 

I didn't say this, but we have been arguing alot lately, and this lying really hurt me as I am so open and honest. The reason lately for lack of sex is because I have been under alot of pressure at work, firstly redundancies, then keeping my job with the added workload of 4 others, and having targets to meet, so I havent been in the best of moods and have been drained.

 

He does lie about small things too, and I just want honesty in our relationship, is that wrong? Stupid things like when we were dieting together he wouldnt tell me he'd had a choc bar again, I wasn't bothered and I told him even when i'd just had one malteser.

 

I think you are right in the sense I should have just let him carry on, but when he denied it that was it, I hate liars. He spoke with his mum and she too admitted she knew he lied about stuff. So what do I do? I am going to tidy the flat for when he comes home tonight, and on another thread saw a good link to a porn site. He is embarrassed about "sex" and after we talked he said he wanted to look at it together, so will maybe try that tonight.

 

I think in my mind all I saw was doom and gloom, and that I know times are hard, but surely we'll get through it now? Thanks for your response

 

xx

[giotto]

well, then you really need to talk to him honestly and explain to him that - for you - the lying is a deal-breaker, although if he is lying about small things, then I don't quite understand why you are getting so uptight about it... sit down and have a frank discussion...

[manugeorge]

It seems like he's the type that lies just to lie. Even when they know they won't get in trouble, some people just lie to cover their tracks at ALL costs. It can be natural for them to take criticism as an attack--even constructive criticism or anything that remotely smells like disapproval. It's a hallmark of immaturity--"protect self at all costs". Does your boyfriend have perfectionist tendencies? Is he tough on himself or does he have a family who was tough on him? If his mom agrees with you that he's the type to lie for the sake of lieing, then perhaps it's his nature. I'm not sure how you can change that without therapy.

 

On the other hand, if you've cultivated a habit of blowing up at him for every infraction, you can understand why he would persistently lie to you. Once again, his immaturity doesn't let him own up to his responsibilities, right or wrong.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Getting him to stop with the porn isn't the problem. This is:

 

We don't have enough sex (my fault), and I can sometimes be moody.

 

Men need sex. It is hardwired in their brains and bodies. If they don't get it, they look for an outlet.

 

Not only are you denying him sex, you are punishing him for looking for an outlet.

 

The reason lately for lack of sex is because I have been under alot of pressure at work, firstly redundancies, then keeping my job with the added workload of 4 others, and having targets to meet, so I havent been in the best of moods and have been drained.

 

Sex generally takes less than half an hour. Are you really so exhausted that you can't give him twenty or thirty minutes of intimacy to show him that you prioritize him over all that other stuff? A hand job? A blow job? Something? Anything?

 

He will surely have to do his fair share to work on this too, but you can't deprive someone of sex and expect them to want to work with you on this if you aren't willing to equally work on it.

 

You want affection and love. He wants sex. If you deprive sex, he will deprive affection and love and look elsewhere. Its that simple. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It has everything to do with his perception of how little love you are showing him.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

If he has a lifelong habit of lying, and you hate liars, then save yourself years and years of frustration and feeling like you're going crazy and move on. Don't marry him! be glad you found out NOW. I found out after marriage and kids, and since he doesn't think he has a problem, it has taken great effort on my part to expose his lies and embarrass him for them, because my H lies to make himself look good. (I shouldn't have eaten that second chocolate bar, so I'll just say I didn't! Voila! I'm so good!)

 

He is FINALLY being--mostly--honest. If they won't help themself, the only way to break them of the habit is to make it HARDER on their self-image to lie. It's making sure that every lie is followed with EMBARRASSMENT and LOSS OF REPUTATION.

 

I just had to get to the point where I was willing to divorce to get the lying to stop.

 

Cause I hate liars, too.

[bean1]

What is the lack of sex? Does that mean once or twice a week - or month - or year? Compared to before? People have different perceptions of that. If you guys are together, not married with no kids, and not having sex, how do you expect that situation to improve after marriage and kids? That really needs to be addressed.

 

A lot of men lie because they don't want to upset their partner over something that they perceive as "not an issue". It sounds like neither of you are happy and both are pulling away.

 

If I were him, I would probably feel like you didn't love or care about me anymore, honestly. Who wants to feel physically unwanted and be the target of someone's moodiness?

 

You can only change your own behaviour.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Firstly, I can relate to the mistrust over porn. Me and my ex BOTH watched porn so there was never any sense of awkwardness or embarrassment or guilt or shame over watching it. We began having sex a LOT less (HIS decision not mine). I asked him if to substitute for having sex, he was watching more porn. He lied. I later found 4 or 5 recent links to porn websites on his computor. It is not the fact he was watching porn that upset me...but that he LIED to me. If someone can lie over something that wont even UPSET you, then they can lie about much bigger things. And what did I find out? He WAS lying to me about much bigger things. Now my ex is not your partner and my experience is most likely not yours, but for people to say you are over-reacting; sometimes little lies lead to big lies....the smoke signals are the detections for a fire after all.....

 

And any lie or mistruth hurts does it not? And knocks away at trust, ESPECIALLY if your relationship is struggling in other avenues. Partners chipping away at your trust is not helping.

 

Why do you not want sex that often? Low sex drive? Don't fancy him? Stressed? etc. Also to another poster, both men and womena are hardrived to want sex. I had a MUCH higher sex drive than my ex so I can relate more to the men than the women on this topic. Thats why I don't think its fair to judge and say oh men NEED sex, HUMANS need sex. I'm a female and I wanted 3 times a day, whereas he was once or twice a week if that...(no he wasn't cheating...but he was ducking out).

 

How I felt regarding the lack of sex....I felt frustrated, irritated, angry....wondered if he was cheating, wondered if he didn't fancy me....bored, resentful....never tempted to cheat but definately fantasised more about others, watched a LOT more porn (BUT NEVER LIED ABOUT IT). Still if you don't want to have sex don't do it. It may be because you have all these worries and anxieties. Think about it, sex is about letting go and being free. If you are angry/annoyed/resentful/stressed/sad/doubting someone...you don't really want to touch them or make them feel good...its kind of repulsive and disgusting....

[toughchoices]

I think this seems to be a deal breaker for you. My wife has lied to me and kept secrets which tears me up. If you do get married and this issue is not addressed you will never trust him and the small nagging in the back of your mind will turn into a huge hole in your heart.

 

Get this sorted out now before it is too late! If you can't feel comfortable trusting him it won't work at least not for you. The sex issue is something others can help you with and you need to be open and honest as to why this is happening. Perhaps your lack of desire is not only from work stress but also a lack of closeness due to his lying and your loss of intimacy on that level.

[Littlemadam]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will try and answer as many questions as I can, and give an update as we spoke alot last night.

 

RIGHT;

 

1) Sex issue. I used to be the horniest woman on the planet, we used to have it all the time. Then I went on the depo injection and that was it. It dropped, I didn't get the urge at all. My partner also has never been that proactive with sex, and has no fantasies as such, which is difficult for me.

 

2) Intimacy regarding sex - things have been difficult and someone posted about giving under half hour, you are right, and I do try. We are affectionate as a couple, but I think we need more, to laugh together more, and just get the spark back.

 

3) Lying - we spoke last night and we are going to see how things go for the next month. If I get a whiff of a lie then that will be it, as he has sworn total honesty. He did seem genuine last night and agreed on a plan to work forward as I know its not just him.

 

3) Plan - We are going to compose a list each of;

What we love about the relationship

(to then focues on these good points and build on them)

What we dislike about the relationship

(to make a mental note of steering clear of these)

How I personally need to change

(things you can see in yourself that need to change)

 

So with both of us doing this and maybe pinning them up somewhere we can work at helping each other out, and no in black and white our strengths and weaknesses.

 

Lastly, last night I was looking at pills to help my libido. The branded ones are a bit out of my price range (I cant afford more than £30 a pop really) so if anyone can recomend ANYTHING that would be fab. After things went well with the talk and the evening we did do it, and it was good, but since due to the pill I have dried up again (too much info, but I can feel it), so with the help of something herbal i need my body to get it back to how it used to be.

 

Thanks xxx

[SoulSearch_CO]

LittleMadam - How is your diet/exercise? Eating fatty foods is proven to lower a woman's libido. Also, exercise can have the opposite effect - making your body feel better and make it more likely that you'd want sex. It would also help your emotional state since exercise produces a natural "high" via endorphins.

 

As for pills, I've never tried anything herbal. I've only noticed that Yaz (birth control) and Wellbutrin spike my libido. LOL

[Elyse-]

The lists you have made sound like they are adding value to your process right now. It sounds like you have created a story around how your boyfriend will feel about making his own lists. I hear that you love this man. Trust him enough to see how he will handle it. I know trust is a hard place to be right now. My suggestion is to really listen to each other and not create story around what you think the other person is feeling.