GF still lets her 7 yr old sleep with her.

[trum39]

Ive been seeing my GF for 3 mnths now and she has 2 young boys aged 7 and 4. They aren't too bad I suppose but sometimes I think they walk all over her.

They both still have a bottle before they go to bed which I think the 7 yr old should have at least grown out of by now.

But the biggest problem I have with them is that they don't go to sleep.

My own kids (Who live with their mum) were always told to be in bed by 8.30 and always went and were asleep within 10-20 mins or so most of the time.

 

My GF's boys will still be up at 10.30-11.00 at night. She puts a movie on for the 4 yr old in his room and gives him a bottle and the 7 yr old sleeps out on a fold out bed in the lounge also watching a movie. But often they will both get out of bed and start running amok around the house screaming and yelling. She warns them a few times and once or twice one of them has copped a smack but in general it doesn't seem to do any good. The 7 yr old often speaks to his mother very rudely demanding he gets this or gets that.

When he is tired and ready and this can often be after midnight she must lie down with him on the couch. I go to bed and wait for her to come in but the light stays on so he can see when he come in a few hrs later, wakes her up and she has to go back to the couch and sleep with him until morning. I could understand the four year old doing this but for a seven year old to still want to sleep with his mother is a bit of a joke. Apparently when they are at their dads house he does the same with him.

 

I have spoken to her about this and told her that they walk all over her because she lets them. I think the 7 yr old should be made to sleep in his bedroom in his own bed instead of out in the loungeroom every night and they should both be made to go to bed at a decent time. I hate the fact that we cant just sit down and watch tv or a movie at 8.30 because the kids are still awake demanding her attention etc. If we were to go to bed to watch a movie and they were still awake we would get nowhere. Ive told her a few times that there is no point me staying the night if I sleep on my own anyway.

Also the 7 yr old has issues with sharing which my GF tends to support sayng that hes just not used to sharing as him and his brother always got one each of everything.

Once when my boys were over (Aged 6 and 8) one of them wanted to play with the 7 yr olds game. He didn't want to share it and my GF said thats fair enough because its his special game and she put it away. Then later on he cracked it because my son was on the PS2 and he wanted to play. I told my GF I would bring my sons Xbox here next time and she said but then there will be fights over who gets to play it. It seems when it comes to her kids they don't have to share but when it comes to mine they have to which isn't fair.

My kids were over Monday night and we went to the park. On the way back my GF stopped and brought them all some lollies however her 7 yr old didn't want to share and had a tantrum. I ended up taking my kids to my house just to keep the peace. I told her that was why and she cracked it with me saying we should have worked it out together, but honestly I thought she will give in to him to keep the peace and thats not fair so I went home instead.

One night we had planned to go out that friday and the 7 yr old said NO so she turns to me and says "Well we cant go then" I said to her "Your the adult not him tell him your going and thats that". So far I ignore their behaviour as I dont want to be seen as the ogre step dad but she did say to me last night that they need that father figure so I thought maybe thats a hint she wants me to step in. Problem is the odd occasion where I have had to tell them off for something they just go running back to mum crying. I feel they wouldn't listen to me anyway.

Anyway some advice on how to get them to go to sleep at a decent time and in their beds would be great and how do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?

[cybersister]

YOu need to agree with your girlfriend a plan so she will back you. Ideally enrol their father too- a consistent approach all round and they will soon get the idea that adults rule the roost

[bean1]

Ive been seeing my GF for 3 mnths now and she has 2 young boys aged 7 and 4.

 

do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?

 

You've been seeing her for 3 months and want to start becoming a disciplinary figure in their lives? You are way overstepping here. I am quite shocked that a woman would allow a boyfriend of 3 months(!) to criticize her parenting and attempt to discipline her children. You are a STRANGER to them in their home.

 

Outrageous!

[trum39]

You've been seeing her for 3 months and want to start becoming a disciplinary figure in their lives? You are way overstepping here. I am quite shocked that a woman would allow a boyfriend of 3 months(!) to criticize her parenting and attempt to discipline her children. You are a STRANGER to them in their home.

 

Outrageous!

 

So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch. Sorry I disagree I dont think it matters how long Ive known her. Even if I was a stranger in their lives thats no reason for them to be disrespectful to me or their mother while I do nothing.

Thanks jasonv and cybersitter for your helpful comments.

Anyone know any good advice on trying to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and staying there?

[Windy27]

What do you exepct children from a dysfunctional or/and broken home to be? It's more than skin deep. Often, there are emotional and pschycological issues/problems too that are often hidden.

 

Why did you get a divorce? Why did your GF get a divorce?

[sally4sara]

So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch.

 

No. You should not have met them yet.

You should not have met them yet BECAUSE they so desperately need discipline and structure. If you step up and, with their mother, start a united front to improve their behavior - what happens when and if you and the mom find you are not compatible?

Their new stability gets pulled out from under them

They get the sense that they only need to listen to mom if she has a male figure backing her up

They feel abandoned.

[You'reasian]

So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch. Sorry I disagree I dont think it matters how long Ive known her. Even if I was a stranger in their lives thats no reason for them to be disrespectful to me or their mother while I do nothing.

Thanks jasonv and cybersitter for your helpful comments.

Anyone know any good advice on trying to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and staying there?

 

Agreed. You are a stranger in their home - not their "real" dad and thus they will never treat you in that light, so you'll have to accept that. You're going to have to convince your gf that her children need more discipline - but that's up to you to figure out

[Lizzie60]

Anyway some advice on how to get them to go to sleep at a decent time and in their beds would be great and how do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?

 

I think that you have absolutely NO rights to be a disciplinary figure in their lives.. none.. you are NOT the father.. you're only the bf.. and only been around for 3 months.

 

I feel very sorry for those little ones.. they are NOT provided with structure. She's a 'weak' mother as she does not apply good, healthy discipline and rules in the household.

 

She should be constant and most of all, firm with them.. they're all over her.. because she lacks in her 'mother' role of support and guidance.

 

That's why they still have a bottle.. poor kids..

[trum39]

Okay so the general consensus seems to be that I have no rights to discipline them in anyway what so ever and I should just sit back and let them do what they want to. Which is what I'm doing now anyway so I will just keep going with that. However what advice can I possibly offer my girlfriend on how to discipline her children on her own then? What methods work best? Is there a way to get the 7 yr old off the bottle and back into his own bedroom and bed?

[sb129]

I don't know man, there was a thread on here a while ago about a couple and the wife slept in the 11yos bed and the husband slept alone- you can imagine that wasn't a happy marriage.

 

Never did end up finding out what happened there.

 

seriously do you know what I would do?

 

I would walk.

You can't discipline the kids, and they are already having a negative impact on a very new relationship- you should be in the honeymoon phase!!

 

Things probably aren't going to get better.

 

sorry to be so negative, but there are more fish in the sea.. esp the Melbourne sea.

[whichwayisup]

3 months? Yes, you shouldn't have met those kids, let alone be trying to enforce changes on them.

 

You can make suggestions, that's it. if she listens to you, great! if not, put up with it or break it off with her. HER kids come first.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It isn't your problem. Why stay there when she has the kids? You mentioned they stay with their dad, as he has the same problems. So stay with your GF only when the kids are at their dad's.

 

Don't you have a home? It's not only early to have met her kids but also inappropriate to be sleeping with their mom while they're there.

 

Kids learn by example. But these kids haven't had any good ones, and probably just need time and some delicate coaching (ie. parenting by mom and dad).

 

I ended things with my last bf after 18 months, and one reason I couldn't tell him was his disrespectful selfish children and they were all over 10. If you have to end this, now is the time. You're not in this relationship to be a step-dad. You are in it to be a companion to your GF.

[Cuppie_Cake]

As a MOM who allows my children to "walk all over me", your GF will not change her ways or her views of her children.

 

She allows them to "walk all over" her because that is most likely the type of person she is.

 

You only have 3 mths into this relationship, your best bet would be to walk away. She will never pick you over her children, and if you force the issue you will lose her anyways.

 

But if you are head strong for this relationship, some good advice would be...

 

 

Children need between 10 - 14 hours of sleep a night. do some research print out WHY the kids need this sleep, present it to GF in a way that you are trying to look out for her kids well being. Not that you think she is messing up as a mom.

 

As for the bottle issues, they are way to old for that. Again do some research and show her the downsides of having emotionally dependent children.

 

As for them sleeping in the loungeroom, a lot of children do this. My 4 yr old would rather sleep on our couch then in her bed. Does it bother you cause you want to snuggle up with the GF and not able to??

 

I also agree that in 3 mths you shouldnt have meet those kids, let alone be hanging out in the house past 8 pm. I was divorced for 4 years before I remarried. Want to know how many men my children met that I dated??? in 4 years time they met 2. The second being my current husband. The first, they met him after we had been dating over a year. WHY???? Because he was my "plaything" not theirs. Want to know how many men I dated that they never met??? Plenty.

 

Have you also considered the fact, the one of the reasons the kids are staying up late and acting up is because YOU ARE THERE. They see you a competitor for their moms attention.

[missdependant]

Let her parent how she feels like...

 

You have no right to discipline her children, especially only being together for 3 months.

[blind_otter]

Yeah, I agree that you should just let your GF know that you can't tolerate this behavior, but you really aren't in any position to step in as a father figure.

 

Personally I would be creeped out by this parenting style and it would make me rethink a longterm relationship with that person because you'd just be moving on in to that situation full time instead of having your own place to retreat to...

[sparklemama]

I feel for you but truthfully there is not much you can do in this situation.

The mother lacked in giving her kids structure and discipline i am sorry to say but she is a weak mom from what it sounds like in your story .Its much easier to give into your kids than to show them who is boss.A seven year old has no business still using a bottle!And in that fact neither does a 4 year old.You can give her advice but in the end she chooses to take care of her kids as she sees fit.The children may not live with their father full time but he is still in the picture so this will never be your problem.At this point you have two choices.You stick by her side and support her and play your part as her boyfriend who has only been around for 3 months or you leave the relationship.The reality is her kids come first and if she sees nothing wrong with how she raises her kids than she will never change.Why do you want to stick around if this makes you feel uncomfortable and its only been 3 months!

[Mary3]

I'm going to sit on the edge of the fence on this one :

 

First of all , I GET YOU ! You are speaking from a man's ( father ) perspective where kids should toe the mark and listen to the adult. :

 

Period.

 

You have perfect right to expect certain behaviors and certain consequences for their actions. The readers ( some ) feel that perhaps its a bit early to be handing out discipline. I have to teeter on this one and say : How serious is this relationship ? Are you deeply involved and in love ?

 

While most parents here will say to hide the kids away until things get strong ( and to a certain degree they are correct ) I will risk stones being thrown when I say " You have a perfect right to not have shoes thrown at you , screaming in grocery stores , begging to stay up til 2 am , forcing you out of the bed so they can manipulate ( yes I will say these kids have mum wrapped around their fingers ) ,,

 

I am from the old school. I had my kids sleeping alone and regularly by 6 months old . I had them stop coming in the bed by one year ( they still sneaked in until age 3 ) .

 

Ask mum for permission to monitor them for a weekend. If you must send her off for a nice late dinner alone and take those hours to train the kids with a stern voice to get back into their rooms.

 

This was your real question. I hope I have answered it. Its not easy and you realize the minute you are not around the whining and begging revert back.

 

Good Luck

[Dru921]

Regardless of what anyone thinks of the whole 3 months not long enough situation, it is too late to go back on it and that is what she chose, so from there you can only make your decisions wisely.

 

As a mother, yes 3 months is a little too short. But that is just my personal opinion..everyone is different. My daughter will be 4 soon, has been off the bottle since 13 months old, sleeps in her own bed and is asleep by 8pm..everynight. It happens that way because I consistently enforced it that way. Ofcourse my daughters whine and yells occasionally, instead of me giving in I say No and walk away. If she gets out of bed, I put her right back in bed....and will do it a million times w/o getting angry, upset, or emotional in anyway until she gets the point. The fact of the matter is not giving in... and sometimes it honestly does take a lot of mental strength.

 

So obviously, you cannot just go and do this for yourself because they are not your kids. Is she happy with the situation? Does it upset her as well or is she just whatever about it doesn't care about what they do?

If the situation does frustrate her, she has lost control and gave up. And if she can open up about it upsetting her maybe you can gently slip in a very positive support system encouraging her that she can change it with consistency and patience because it will be rewarding for her, your relationship, and the childrens future in the end.

 

If she is neglectant in changing the situation, then my best advice will be to leave. The household situation obviously isn't making you happy and being just 3 months into the relationship, there is still some progressing and building needed and in the situation, it may just not happen.

[Siân]

Ive been seeing my GF for 3 mnths now and she has 2 young boys aged 7 and 4.

 

My GF's boys will still be up at 10.30-11.00 at night.

Anyway some advice on how to get them to go to sleep at a decent time and in their beds would be great and how do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?

 

I do think that for two young boys to be up so late is not a good idea. Children need decent sleep to function properly. I am NNEB qualified and started working with children professionally at the age if 19. I am now mother to a 10 year old daughter.

 

I have witnessed how disruptive such late nights are to children both when at work and after seeing the children of friends half asleep when waiting in line to get into school in the mornings, they tend to do badly during their lessons as a result and become quite miserable.

 

I do think that if you and your GF have chosen to commit to each other in the long term and want to raise the boys as your own, then yes of course at some point you will take part in dealing with discipline. I do think after three months it's rather soon, to be perfectly honest. I waited for eight months before I introduced my BF to my daughter, when she was six years old. He is an amazing father to her and as far as we are concerned he IS her father. But it wasn't for another few months after first meeting her after the intial wait, that we moved in together. His having a say in being able to discipline was something we discussed together. Thankfully neither of us believes in smacking! And we are raising a happy, healthy well balanced little girl.

 

I would approach your GF and try and do the very same, if she is willing to allow you into their lives so soon, I would find it a surprise if she were to complain or refuse to listen to what you have to suggest. After all, you are looking out for the two boys.

 

Good luck.

[dunstable]

It was way too soon for you to be put into the children's lives after 3 months. The 7-year old is at an extremely sensitive age (the worst possible age to receive a newcomer into the family). I don't know what their mother was thinking of.

 

At no time, should you have any rights to discipline them. You are not their parent and never will be. If you try to discipline them, you will come over as a monster to them. Your best strategy is to be their unconditionally loving uncle. Leave all the questions of discipline to their mother. Express your opinions to her by all means but let her make her own decisions -- it is her prerogative to hear your advice and reject it if she wants. She has the ultimate responsibility.

 

I'm shocked that you say she smacks them sometimes. I didn't know anyone did that any more. It doesn't do any good and probably a lot of harm. Consider discussing that with her and trying to persuade her not to do it anymore. Be an influence for good in the lives of these children.

 

Seven is not old to be sleeping in the mother's bed. Only if it continues past puberty, would I start to become concerned!

 

Start thinking of those children and less about yourself.

 

I repeat my key advice - be their unconditionally loving uncle. I've been through this myself and my advice is based on my experiences.

 

BTW, there are no right or wrong answers on the question of an appropriate bed time.

[Girlygal]

i must agree with Mary3.

 

Children must learn discipline and respect at an early age. it is essential that these values are introduced at a young age. My kids say plese and thank you and would NEVER talk back to me or my H. Couldn't imagine!!!! And to be kicked outta bed, good lard man, that is crazy!!

 

As you have already taken steps towards a fatherly figure it would not be wise to step back now. The kids will see that as weakness and pounce all over you. In their eyes they will have won in the battle between them and you for moms attention. A firm adult sounds like what they need. It isnt as though you are asking them to stand in a corner and not speak, you are simply asking for respect and manners. NOTHING wrong with that at all.

 

I would talk to the mom on a one on one basis and set ground rules. Do not be afraid of any topics discuss how you feel openly, afterall you probably dont want your kids picking up these bad behaviors. Once you have talked to mom and made a game plan put it into action and do not falter.

 

As a side note, the less candy soda and junk food you feed them the better. Fruits and veggies and juice really does promote healthy attitudes in kids since they are not constantly crashing from sugar highs, especially in the evening!! I switched to strictly veggies and fruits as snacks 2 years ago, it is amazing my kids dont even miss sugar snacks!

[crazymom123]

Run like hell in the other direction. If you step into this, you will have to take on all these problems. Your girlfriend needs parenting classes and a backbone. I don't agree with your disciplining her kids at this early stage of the relationship, but you are right to be concerned. If you two ever decide to have kids, you see what kind of mother she will be.....wishy washy. I suggest you take a step back and tell her you can't deal with her kids behavior and that you would like to help her, but she has to be willing to work together if you two are ever really going to have future so you can have a happy home. If she doesn't receive it at all, then you have to walk. If she seems open to it, but doesn't know what to do, then find her help to manage her kids, something she can stick to and give it some time to improve because when you lay the law down consistently (and not her giving in making you look like the only who wants the discipline) the kids will change when they don't have an ally to allow their bad behavior.

[dunstable]

To those of you who advocate teaching discipline and respect though punishments, I wonder if you are all old enough to have seen the final outcome of this approach? My experience is that it does not work in the long run. The way forward is with talking.

[blind_otter]

To those of you who advocate teaching discipline and respect though punishments, I wonder if you are all old enough to have seen the final outcome of this approach? My experience is that it does not work in the long run. The way forward is with talking.

 

I agree with this. In terms of behavioral psychology, rewarding the desired behavior is much more effective and long-lasting than punishment. The literature is out there and this has been a known fact for nearly 20 years now.

 

From personal experience - I grew up in a family where the punishments were quite harsh if you did not toe the line. I grew up basically thinking that the only thing bad about doing bad stuff is getting caught, and then I would feel bad about MYSELF rather than knowing that I was a good person but I could make better choices.

 

As a result I sort of had to relearn how to direct my own behavior from an intrinsic standpoint as an adult. It was difficult, and before I made the decision to do this, I was not a very good person in general - selfish, law breaking, self centered.

 

I don't think I will be punishing my son the way I was punished. I give him clear boundaries (again, something I learned as an adult) and clear consequences and I stick to them - but I never want to make him feel like HE is bad just because he is a child and naturally acts more impulsively due to the developmental stage and his physical and emotional development.

 

But every parent has a different philosophy.

[sunshine2031]

Her parenting style would really scare & turn me off too. She's not going to change. And you can bet her kids will be resistant to any change. Are you prepared to be in a long term relationship where you either have to constantly bite your tongue, let the kids rule the home and rarely have alone time, OR, where you and your girlfriend/wife are always fighting about parenting styles and being divided by the kids? Unless you too can have a serious talk and come to some resolution, I don't think you'll be happy having your & your kids life dictated by her kids.