Girlygirl1977 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I originally dated my bf when I was 23 for 2.5 years (I'll be 32 this year). Originally we worked together. We dated but it ended as the last portion was long distance (NY/California) He is two years older than me and we met again at the end of January but he was in the middle of quitting his job to start a business and moving 1.5 hours away. So he ended up traveling a lot and we started dating exclusively in the middle of March. He even came with me to Paris/London when I traveled for work a couple of weeks ago. He brought me flowers when he picked me up from the train station on my first visit. He has really treated me well - so I didn't notice he had problems really till this weekend. We have generally seen each other each weekend. He said I didn't give him compliments etc. It's true - I was sort of observing the relationship while I was in it! I have been reserved and guarded with him, including the sex. I've now explained to him that I didn't want to end up in a very sexualized relationship due to my last recent one - and so I was being very careful to be limited. I also didn't want to get emotionally into it too early and sex would have done that. I wanted to be careful before becoming emotionally attached. He thought we were being very serious about our relationship and took my behavior to mean I wasn't really interested in him. He has been giving me those indications - inviting me to weddings 3 months out - incorporating me fully into his life. So he came to tell me this last night - traveled from Philly by bus (I'm in NY) to do so. We talked all night. We had sex two times (which was a lot better than the other times). He said he needed time to regroup and process his information. He said he hadn't given up last night - just wanted that time. We also addressed how we never really got fully acquainted in NY before he moved - we just dove into long distance and he assumed serious. He think we failed - in this try. I felt we were just getting started. I just now felt comfortable with his sincerity. He said even yesterday that compared to anyone else he has dated I am gold. But he also came yesterday with the intention of breaking up but was surprised that I cared (he interpreted my behavior as not being interested). He called tonight and we spoke for 4.5 hours. My birthday is next Tues and I have a party this Fridayand he will come. He said let's keep talking through that time. He also said he needs to recharge and I'm worth fighting for. I've been giving him all that I have in these talks - he has learned a lot more about me than he ever knew. I figured I really didn't bare myself every in any relationship and now I have nothing to lose. I feel we have somethign I want to not give up on. What do you think about this?
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 I would really like your help with this - it's so important to me now. Please give me your opinion. He feels he has been more selfless and me more self-centered too. It's the way i'm wired - he's right. I'm considering driving down there this afternoon.
redant Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 What is it that he and you are looking for? What is it that you want? Make sure you get it. You seem concerned about how you are coming across but you have every right to be restrained. Why would he want to break up? Give up so easily? I don't think you would be with him if you didn't care so him saying that you don't is stupid in my opinion.
Author Girlygirl1977 Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I decided to go with my instincts and went to visit him yesterday afternoon. Positive trip but will see him friday. We just enjoyed day together walking in park, babysat at sis house and had some food. We had a positive experience yesterday and that's the dynamic I remember with him. I regret that I had not flushed out my system as you noticed at start. his core is really fiery with an independent streak which is what I'm rediscovering again and which originally attracted me to him when we worked together. We both said I love you. I said it first both times we said it last night and this morning. We really just kissed and he said we started in a way like we already knew each and missed these basics. It was really enjoyable engaging each other. That's more like it was and frankly I trust him so I should have let go all along. During this restart I was finding fault with anything etc. This is what got him nervous. He didn't like "that version of me". So he will come to bday dinner on friday (group) but he does want chance to regroup as he thinks that's our best chance at success with starting over. When ihe moved to la we had like 2wks brk and he thinks that's why that worked. Frankly I don't want to do that. He wants my input on that but he is not interested in seeing other ppl and doesn't want me to either in that period. It bothers him that this should have been a layup, so why did I have my guard up but with info on my historic stuff he understands better. The experince we had recently he likes and in that form we are good together whoch is why we did la-ny with nobody thinking of cheating before. He is trying to reconcile my last 2mths behavior with the recent good experience and our histori relationship. I don't like the risky idea of regrouping but looks like it is fair to him. Whole time was very affectionate- both sides. For the babysitting - his sis (who I knew from before) has 3 kids. We played hide and go seek etc. I got a bit tired while babysitting so he said to take a nap. When he came by where I was - I wasn't really sleeping but eyes clothes so I noticed that he kissed me on cheek. That's the way he is that I like - it makes me more so though I'll admit by nature my upbringing was affectionate. While we know what the problem with my behavior is/was. He feels he failed too b/c it is his job in the relationship to make sure I am happy or if I'm not to see why he said. Definitely he is more evolved than I could imagine.
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