William_Wallace Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I am so sad and confused right now. My wife and I have been together about 7 years, married for 4. Our Anniversary is actually next Thursday but it doesn't look like we will make it that far. We've had a very good marriage, we are best friends. About 2 years ago I lost my job and things have been going downhill since. I know have a job but it barely pays the bills so she has had to pick up more of the slack. I hate myself for that even though she said she didn't mind. I started drinking and taking valium. It was causing more problems and making me more depressed until on new years eve it came to a head and we had a big blowout. I was wasted and passed out. She kicked me out and said I needed to work on myself. That she couldn't make me happy so I had to do it myself. She was right although it took me a while to realize. I was also going through my father having cancer at the same time. I was staying at his house. He died in feb. Very tough times. then my wife moved out of our house and into a more affordable 1-bedroom to save money. that was also tough as i was still at my dads. My wife and I were still talking though and the understanding was that I would work on myself, go to therapy, stop drinking and just feel better about myself. We both felt good that things were moving in a positive direction and eventually in late march/early april started going out to dinner, movies and basically trying to reconnect. It was slower for me than for her as I was a little gun shy from being kicked out, even though i knew it was the right thing. Things were good though. We would see each other once or twice a week. I even started spending the night at her new place a few times. It all fell apart one night when I went to see some old high school friends i hadn't seen in 20 years. She wanted me to come over after but it ended up i got out late and was too tired to make the 40 minute drive to her house. I called her but she was very upset and we fought. I ended up going to her house the next day and she was still upset and we fought for at least another hour before finally making up. She said she thought i was slipping away and said she needed to get stronger and be more independant. I didn't think much about it after that, things seemed fine. We hung out the next weekend though and she was more distant, didn't want to hold hands or get too close. She did ask me to spend the night though. Things were ok but just a bit distant. I thought maybe she just needed a little time but after her next therapy session (two days later) she called me and said she needed some "selfish" time and asked that I not call, write or text for a while. I asked how long and she said she didn't know right now. We weren't seeing each other much as it was so I kind of freaked out and we fought again. I felt that she was leaving me again. I called back the next morning and said I didn't understand but i would honor her wish. I didn't talk, email or text for over two weeks but then broke down and texted her saying I loved and missed her. No reply. I called later than night and she picked up. I apologized for calling and said I was just scared and wondered how we could work towards being together without talking. I asked if i was crazy for holding on and she said "no". that she would tell me if things were over, that she wouldn't "string me along". I felt worse because she had no emotion. she was very cold on the phone. I finally talked to my therapist today and she asked what my instincts told me. I said they tell me it's over. I told her I couldn't just keep waiting indefinitly with no communication. she said I should try to see if my wife would go to couples counseling before I tried to end it. she thought if my wife was still interested she would agree to counseling. I tried but my wife said no, not now. I told her that made me feel that she was slipping away. she agreed and said she was. she said she still was "in" love with me but that our personalities didn't seem to mesh anymore and that our fights just have gotten worse. I told her that was probably because we weren't together for the last 5 months, it's hard to keep things going strong while we live in seperate houses, with my dad dying and everything else thats happened. On top of that I think she is hanging out with an attractive guy that lives in her new building. I pay the cell bill and saw that a new number started calling her two days before she told me she didn't want anymore communication. That same number has been calling every few days since. I don't think anything has happened yet but i think that might have opened the door to new thoughts. I'm probably just writing all this to myself, I don't know who else would want to read something this long and drawn out. I'm just so messed up right now. a few weeks ago she was freaking out because she needed me so bad, then it turns on a dime where she doesn't want any communication, and now it's that shes still in love with me but agrees that divorce is probably the best option. I don't want to get divorced but can't just wait around and hope things change while not being able to even talk to her. When I asked for divorce she got a little sad but overall was pretty unemotional. I guess i'm wondering if there is any hope at all? Do things just change that quickly? Does she just need more time? Does she need to date someone else to see what's out there? ultimately i just feel like no matter what there is nothing i can do. I can just file the papers and be decent and just not talk to her. My therapist said whatever is going to happen will happen. sorry to go on so long.
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Hi William. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your marriage is in trouble, so I'm not going to piss around with you -- you and your wife don't have time for you to piss around, anymore. First and most important is your mindset -- you sound like a total victim, at this point. (I know things have been tough, and going 'souther' since you lost your job 2 years ago, but that wasn't actually your excuse to enter into victimhood. Know what I mean?) Second. Your wife's attitude and feelings have not "turned on a dime" -- they are two years in the making...since you lost your job and started acting like a victim, losing control of YOUR OWN attitude and emotions, not taking the self-responsible steps to be able to have stayed in a loving, supportive, nurturing role. (You have been GIVING "victim" and expecting to receive...what?) See how those two are inextricably linked? What to do now is claw your way back to something that is more positive and hopeful -- make it so that you once again become attractive and available to her...mentally and emotionally. Almost that you need to turn your "sad and confused" feelings into something more akin to "strong and courageous". I will hang in there with you IF you are prepared to stop your self-BS and excuses, and fight for your own marriage. Even then, we do not know if you've left it too late. It's quite possible that you have. But we can still give it our very best effort, yes? And there are many other LSers, too, who do have knowledge, skills and compassion, and will be able to help you. So, don't give up...until your wife unmistakably says that it is over, then there is still at least a glimmer of a hope. I am sorry for the loss of your father. It is a sad and difficult thing to face at any time. Sending you Comfort, Strength, Wisdom and Guidance.
Cinnamon777 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 So sorry you are going through all of this after just loosing your Dad. Usually our intuitions are right, we just tend to supress them when they don't agree with our thoughts and feelings... when it's not what we want. I think your wife was feeling pretty frustrated with "picking up more of the slack" and tolerating things while you indulged in drinking, which pushed you away from her. It would seem that things have been slipping away for some time. We all need to feel appreciated for our extra efforts and we need to feel like we are not the only ones trying to hold things together. Marriage is a partnership, but when one partner carries more of the burden for an extended period of time it can be quite a hardship on the marriage. There needs to be a feeling of balance. Once things start slipping away, sometimes it doesn't take long for it to be gone. Even the most patient of people have a point of no return. Right now, with being in her own place, with getting attention from someone that is not "needing" her, but simply wanting her... she has already been shifting her feelings. While she says she is "in" love, I think that really she just loves you, more like a friend now. The romance left a long time ago. Once there is a shift in the feelings away and the focus on something or someone new... I'm not sure there is much to bring that back towards you. She might be just trying to let you down easy since she does care about you. She might be having a hard time admitting to herself that she has emotionally left the marriage in addition to physically leaving. I'm sorry this may not be what you want to hear, but I think that she has been moving on. If she is not interested in counseling, if she is not interested in recognizing your anniversary WITH you, if she is only wanting "selfish" time... she is telling you that she is not part of the marriage any more. Time and space may help, but I would suspect that it will only let whatever is left slip away between you. I wish you the best and hope that things can turn around for you. While I have not watched myself, I've heard the movie Fireproof is very inspiring to repairing a marriage. If there is any hope, you need to act now. If you know her, truly know her, then you will know how to reach her heart and reignite the flame. If she is gone, don't turn back to the bottle. Appreciate the best that you had from the marriage. See how it helped your life to move forward. Know that everything happens for a reason...
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If she is not interested in counseling, if she is not interested in recognizing your anniversary WITH you, if she is only wanting "selfish" time... Cinnamon, that is so true! When I was going through my own separation, it was more like, "Why on earth would I bother to go to counseling, spend time and try to reconnect, and work towards trying to reconcile, with someone who is acting so under-responsible, without courage, dependent/needy, etc.?" That is, my ex could have made a difference at that point but, instead, he also went into "weak and helpless" (victim) mode...I didn't see any signs FROM HIM that how he was doing things would change for the better. Ultimately I just stopped wanting to do all the work by myself and be "strong enough" for the both of us. William...my last decision could have appeared to be "sudden" but it was not. It was just that I had reached another critical point, which turned out to be my last one [because] I did not receive anything from my then-husband to help get ME through it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 If she wants to seperate because your jobless, then apparently it's all about the money. No one says anything if the man is working and the wife looses the job? WTF double standard much? also you dont need to be a victim, that's first then you need to man up and get another job. Your wife is seeking out other men because she doesnt see you as a strong man right now. women dont tell men this but what I've learned is that women do not accept men when they are at weak moments in their lives these days because they are just freaking idiots, they claim they want a man to show his emotions and be emotionally invested in them but the minute he wants a hug he's a punk. I'd say this. If your doing right by her dont change, just get a new job and seperate from her. let her miss you, go NC and stick it to her. If you got kids, take them out and have a blast without her. Show her how it feels to be seperated. Get a lawyer and legalize it. She's a coward for not working on something that can be easily fixed, but it shows you her character for not fixing it right? maybe she just wants to get banged out by other dudes right now and wants to leave reguardless. P.S.: im not a female, im just a dude that's gonna give it to you straight. because it will happen.
Author William_Wallace Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I appreciate them all. Talked to my wife and asked that we go to therapy if she wants to make this work. She hemmed and hawed before saying that she didn't think now was the time. I told her I felt she had moved on and she did confirm that. We are going through with a divorce. She had been very stoic throughout but once we agreed to split up things changed. I called her late last night and she was bawling. Said she just didn't know what to do. She said she didn't know anything. We talked a bit and it was nice. I talked to her today to see if we could build on last night but she said she did still think it was time to move on. She said she thought it was the best thing for her right now but also said we don't know what the future holds for us as it is unpredicatable. We are going through with the divorce but still weird signals. I was actually good once the decision was made (on the outside). I just don't know why she would talk about not knowing what the future holds. We are getting divorced, we have no "real" future. Anyway, I still welcome any comments and i appreciated everything that has been written before. I realize I have sounded like a victim and that is probably true now. I've never felt like this and i'm sure i'm feeling sorry for myself. this happens to everyone, i'm not special. thanks again to all that commented. ww.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 YOU NEED TO TELL HER THAT IF YOU DIVORCE YOU WILL NOT REMARRY HER! You will not be her friend! and you will not be her sholder to cry on, all you will be is a cvo-parent. You can see the fog is cracking just a little bit. Do a strong 180 and focus on you. get better for yourself!
Gunny376 Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Because of the stress you were going through (job lost, death of DD) you became needy, supplicant, clingy ~ begin drinking, and using ~ all the while she became stressed about helping out and picking up the loose ends. In short? You became a "Beta-male" instead of manning up. Her doubt in you doesn't came from you per-say, you obviously once had the goods to deleiver to her what she wanted and needed from you as a man. But then the "Storms of Life" came washing over you one after another, beating you up. Like the Bearing Sea! The day to day of Life just beats you up one after another, the "Storms of Life" come rolling in one after another. Once a man's lost a woman? He's lost her and there's no getting her back. Save one and only one and that's for you to man-up and to once again become the man that you once were? That you were at the beginning. That's to admitt your mistakes to yourself, apolgize to yourself, adapt, improvise, and over-come. The up-side is that there's no shortage of women. The planet is covered up with them. You've got a bad case of "one-ittis" in that you've got it in your head that this one woman has something that no-other woman has. Last time I checked? They've all pretty much got the same standard issued equipment? What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! What one has ~ another has just as much as if not more, what one has to give? Another has just as much to offer. What your worrying about? Isn't worth worrying about! Were it me? I'd go find myself two young sweet things, (even if I had to pay them to pull the stunt off) go outside her apartment and yell, "HEY! HOW YA' LIKE ME NOW?! Rule #1 with women? You've got to be willing to "WALK!" and keep on walking! I'm not saying you didn't screw up? I'm just saying get over it, get to moving on, and for the Love of God! QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP! There's plenty of folks waiting just outside your front door to do the job for you ~ with Louiville Sluggers no less! Just to see the look on your face! BTW? Where in the Hell did you get it in your deluxe brain housing group that this woman was the best and only that you could do?
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