unhappylady Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Hi Following on from ending my affair with MM thought I would give you a quick update. The best thing I did was block emails/mobile calls as he hasn't been able to get in touch with me following my email. I am hoping he hasn't tried anyway as I specified that it would just confuse and upset me to talk about it and if he truly loves me then I won't want to cause me any more pain. I am resolute in my decision. I do not want to to go back to the affair, I feel protective of myself and I know going back would kill me. However, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, the pain is unbearable and I didn't even get out of bed yesterday (never ever done that). I feel weepy, alone, weak, frightened and empty. I feel angry as well - angry at myself for allowing myself to get in this situation and getting caught up in the romance of it all. I miss him so much. He was my friend for 11 years and then the affair started and he become so much more. I love him so much and would chop my arm off just to hear his voice. But...I will not go back. No amount of knowing how unhappy he was at home and how much he loved and wanted me could change the fact that he always went home to his wife and I was left feeling degraded and sad. I will never ever ever do this again. Will keep you posted. When does the pain ease? Also, will he be feeling the same or is it not as bad when they know they have a wife and child who still want him. In fact, does it bring them closer together?
Soaked Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 unhapplady, I'm sorry to see you are in such pain. Believe or not the pain will ease slowly, but one thing for sure, please don't cave in and let him contact you! Block your emails, phone. Because if you do, you are only going to put yourself in pain all over again. For me our last contact was last Dec. And now every once awhile I still go thought ups and downs, but the pain is fading away, not as much as in the beginning when we first broke up. And about your question your MM will feel the same or brings them closer, I have asked myself so many times. I think in my case, I really don't think my exMM feel the same. Yes, maybe there are some pains they feel but honestly I really don't think they will ever feel the same pain like we do. And I realized he only came to me when things are not so "good" for him. As if it brings them closer? For me, I think yes. But as I am moving froward, does it matter to me? Nope! Anything about him got nothing to do with me since the day we broke up. And trying to put the focus on yourself! ;-) I know as an ex. OW, we often put all our focus, energies to the MM, so after the break up, I know you wonder about him. But this is the time to really focus on yourself! I was in the relationship for 6 years, in a way, I lost myself. So I'm slowly taking my life back, and to get to know myself. ;-) Hang in there, I know now you feel this great lost, pain but it will ease, not in days, but in months.
norajane Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 When does the pain ease? It takes a while, sweets. It's different for everyone. But there will be a time when you will be free of it, and you'll feel refreshed and so happy to have the weight of the affair off your shoulders. Almost everyone has a bad break-up of one kind or another in their past. While this might be different circumstances for you, I'm sure at the time you were going through the bad break-up, the pain was just as bad and you maybe felt you'd never get through it...but you did. That will happen now, too. You will get through. Have faith that there's better on the other side. And give it time.
wildsoul Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Good job on taking the first and most important step! The grieving process is a little different for everyone, there is lots of info on the stages of grief on the internet. Knowing the stages helps a LOT! Here's a snippet that has helped me. It's about death, but it applies to break ups too. 7 Stages of Grief... 1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. 2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. Understand that if you break NC, you will have to start over on your grieving process. Timing is different for everyone. It's been 10 weeks for me, and I'm in between stages 6 and 7 now. I'm feeling pretty good! Much more empowered now. Take extra care of yourself. Don't let yourself get too needy or lonely, lest you be tempted to break NC. Post here. Spend time with friends/family. Anything but contact your xMM. (((hugs)))
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