NoIDidn't Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 The divorce stuff is so complicated and hard to explain because of the whole anonymity thing- but, to me, they are BOTH wrong and liable for where things are today. While I may have contributed to the demise on his end towards the end of their marriage, it's no excuse for their behavior and accusations all over the place - as I mentioned, not just them - but to all people going through a divorce with children, I don't get what is so hard about putting your emotions aside and putting those little people first. As for the rest of what you said, thank you. It's hard to not be involved when he or someone related to him calls me and tells me what's going on and how awful it is (I can now see why men with children hate divorcing), but you are 100% right in that I need to take care of myself, no matter the cost. Oh, I agree with you about them both being wrong. But that's why I said you might want to step back. It takes a toll on all the relationships of the divorcing. And you are so right about the children. I don't care what anyone says about the resiliency of children, divorce and custody issues (even when its joint and amicable) really destroys them. You do not want to be so close to his divorce that it feels like its yours. Didn't you mention somewhere where he told you now isn't a good time to be with him and for you to date others?
fooled once Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Divorce is ugly. Divorce with children can be even uglier. He need to deal with the divorce and recover from that before entering into a relationship - IMHO. IMHO - you need to back off. You are worried about your needs and being selfish, IMHO - when he is dealing with the death of a marriage. What could you possibly be dealing with that is as important or mentally grueling as what he is going through? And you weren't present in the marriage so it really would be best if you didn't tell him your thoughts on how he is handling things. You don't know what happened in the intimate family relationship. I don't say that to be mean or harsh, but it is the truth. Same thing with my words about you backing off --- until you lived that experience, you can't even begin to image how much it takes out of you -- and then to have your new girlfriend/affair partner on the side wanting things from you --- it can be too consuming and too much and the one thing that is expendable is you and the relationship. His kids aren't expendable and I am glad you do recognize that his kids will come first --- for many years until everyone heals. Are you ready to take the backseat? Are you ready to be a secret from his kids?
Author complicatedlife Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Oh, I agree with you about them both being wrong. But that's why I said you might want to step back. It takes a toll on all the relationships of the divorcing. And you are so right about the children. I don't care what anyone says about the resiliency of children, divorce and custody issues (even when its joint and amicable) really destroys them. You do not want to be so close to his divorce that it feels like its yours. Didn't you mention somewhere where he told you now isn't a good time to be with him and for you to date others? Something along those lines....what he said was that he didn't think it would be fair to ask me to wait for him to finish dealing with the problems that have risen from the divorce as it may take longer than he told me - the hold up is not on his end. But the issue with that is that I can't just go on a date with someone right now - if I am going to do that, I need to get over this first. So I have decided over the past few days to give him even more space than I already have because hearing him lament and complain drags me into the "divorce" emotionally. So while I am giving him a break, I am giving myself a break, too.
Author complicatedlife Posted May 19, 2009 Author Posted May 19, 2009 Divorce is ugly. Divorce with children can be even uglier. He need to deal with the divorce and recover from that before entering into a relationship - IMHO. IMHO - you need to back off. You are worried about your needs and being selfish, IMHO - when he is dealing with the death of a marriage. What could you possibly be dealing with that is as important or mentally grueling as what he is going through? And you weren't present in the marriage so it really would be best if you didn't tell him your thoughts on how he is handling things. You don't know what happened in the intimate family relationship. I don't say that to be mean or harsh, but it is the truth. Same thing with my words about you backing off --- until you lived that experience, you can't even begin to image how much it takes out of you -- and then to have your new girlfriend/affair partner on the side wanting things from you --- it can be too consuming and too much and the one thing that is expendable is you and the relationship. His kids aren't expendable and I am glad you do recognize that his kids will come first --- for many years until everyone heals. Are you ready to take the backseat? Are you ready to be a secret from his kids? Actually, he doesn't want me to be a secret from his kids. He wants to get the divorce settled and introduce me in 6 months (if I can hold on through this tough time, he says); I already know his friends and some members of his family.
jaweast Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 This is not meant to be rude...but how can you look his children in the face knowing you played a part of the demise of their parents' marriage. If the children ever ask, will you tell them the truth about how long you dated their father and when you guys first started dating. Just curious.
crystal_lostheart Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think some people are really attacking you...... People should really be answering her original thread about how she can deal with this stage of her life, but instead she is having to defend herself and sway away from her original question... Life is about making choices and decisions...and all the rest that comes with it....Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes bad and alot of the time maybe even ugly....I am guilty of that myself...trying to fix the mess up in my life....but in the end it is a choice YOU make and a way YOU decide to live your life. Not everyone will agree with the decisions you have made, but in my eyes, you have asked a question and IMHO: As hard as it is - give him space, give yourself space....and yes it can be very, very hard. During this 'break' look at why you got yourself into this position in the first place...why he did what he did as well... and some real personal reflection on 'who you want to be' and whilst the atomic bomb aftermath settles and no more dust is in anyone's eyes, the confusion and hurt subsides.....you will ALL see what it is that you 'truly' want...not for each other...but for yourselves....by the sounds of it there is too much emotion right now to be making any hard core decisions.... I took a step back....a big one....I had to for my own sanity and to think without him there...sometimes the answer is right in front of us but yet we just make excuses and don't want to accept the truth.... Good Luck and Be Strong - I know how you feel Crystal
Author complicatedlife Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 This is not meant to be rude...but how can you look his children in the face knowing you played a part of the demise of their parents' marriage. If the children ever ask, will you tell them the truth about how long you dated their father and when you guys first started dating. Just curious. And this is not meant to be rude, but you should have some knowledge of the history of this situation before making that statement. You would have pieced together from past threads/posts that their marriage had issues way before I came around. For years, literally. If the children ask, that is a question that their father needs to address with them. And I would tell them what their father thinks is best, if he thinks I should answer that at all. They are his children and I have to acquiesce to him on that.
Author complicatedlife Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 I think some people are really attacking you...... People should really be answering her original thread about how she can deal with this stage of her life, but instead she is having to defend herself and sway away from her original question... Life is about making choices and decisions...and all the rest that comes with it....Sometimes we make good choices, sometimes bad and alot of the time maybe even ugly....I am guilty of that myself...trying to fix the mess up in my life....but in the end it is a choice YOU make and a way YOU decide to live your life. Not everyone will agree with the decisions you have made, but in my eyes, you have asked a question and IMHO: As hard as it is - give him space, give yourself space....and yes it can be very, very hard. During this 'break' look at why you got yourself into this position in the first place...why he did what he did as well... and some real personal reflection on 'who you want to be' and whilst the atomic bomb aftermath settles and no more dust is in anyone's eyes, the confusion and hurt subsides.....you will ALL see what it is that you 'truly' want...not for each other...but for yourselves....by the sounds of it there is too much emotion right now to be making any hard core decisions.... I took a step back....a big one....I had to for my own sanity and to think without him there...sometimes the answer is right in front of us but yet we just make excuses and don't want to accept the truth.... Good Luck and Be Strong - I know how you feel Crystal Thank you. That's how it goes here on LS - no big deal for me. I realize that I posted on a public forum with people made up of a myriad of experiences, biases, religious and faith based views, and different personalities. So, I know that I will get a wide range of opinions. Some work really well for me and others don't - I take what I can use and am grateful to those who offer good and sound suggestion(s) and advice. I only wish that I could hear, or read, rather, more about OWs experiences on this particular subject, And maybe even the MW and how he feels, adjusts, etc. I'm pretty self aware of my reasons for all of what has happened. I know when I am wrong and have no problems calling myself on it - I am not perfect (and noone is, IMHO besides Jesus!) nor am I trying to be because I am human and unfortunately prone to error. And, yes, this situation is extremely hard.
Lyssa Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hi CL - What is the latest with you and MM? Have you decided if you want to support him throughout his divorce? I am kind of lost with all the attacking and what not .
Author complicatedlife Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Hi CL - What is the latest with you and MM? Have you decided if you want to support him throughout his divorce? I am kind of lost with all the attacking and what not . Hi, Lyssa. I am supportive in that I am praying for all who are involved, first and foremost. We don't talk as much these days - just once per day or every other day just to check in and then he vents to me about all the legal/custody issues, and I allow him to vent. I don't ask anything or offer an opinion...I just listen, tell him I'm praying for him, and he thanks me for being patient and supportive. This last time he added that he knows it's stressful for me and that he's sorry. Makes me feel a little better to know that he is aware of the difficulty in this for me. I have always had my own "stuff" - my career, family, friends, etc, so that keeps me busy. But I try to have some time to myself before I go to bed to reflect on what my needs are and how I feel, etc. Things will be very different after all of this has settled and it is an odd place for me to let my mind go to: to think about life with him as we both want it....public (well, at least on his end). It feels, hmm, I don't know - weird. Best way I can describe it. I'm sorry - don't know how to articulate this feeling.
Lyssa Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 We don't talk as much these days - just once per day or every other day just to check in and then he vents to me about all the legal/custody issues, and I allow him to vent. I don't ask anything or offer an opinion...I just listen, tell him I'm praying for him, and he thanks me for being patient and supportive. This last time he added that he knows it's stressful for me and that he's sorry. Makes me feel a little better to know that he is aware of the difficulty in this for me. That's what it is all about sometimes - just listen to him. You're not doing bad at all in this case. It's also a good thing you have your own life to keep you busy while he's going through a divorce. I wasn't sure if I was around or even gave him moral support when he was going through his divorce as it was a surprise to me when he told me and presented me the papers. But I remember we were talking like normal during those few months. They just want to know that we are there for them throughout the good and the bad.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 This is not meant to be rude...but how can you look his children in the face knowing you played a part of the demise of their parents' marriage. If the children ever ask, will you tell them the truth about how long you dated their father and when you guys first started dating. Just curious. With a smile and a sparkle in my eye... Sheesh, what rock did you crawl out under?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 We don't talk as much these days - just once per day or every other day just to check in and then he vents to me about all the legal/custody issues, and I allow him to vent. Is that ok with you? Are you coping well? It's ok for it not to be alright, you know. No one expects you to be a martyr. GEL
NoIDidn't Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 "Between all the attacking"?!!! What?! I read three posts that could be taken as critical, but attacking. And the fact that out of 38 posts, there are only 3 of them. Seriously? Sometimes I really wonder why some readers have such thin skin. The OP has had unbelievably thick skin and has even responded without bile to even those posts. Ok, got that out. How are things going CL? Have you considered just telling him to not complain about the divorce when he's with you? I think that's a reasonable request. When I was in therapy with my H, we had to agree to only talk about what we were in therapy about when we were actually IN therapy. It helped ALOT to do that. I think its perfectly reasonable for you to ask that. But if you are going to ask that, you have to abide by it yourself and not ask about how his D is going or its not going to work. Have to told him that you are backing off to give him some emotional space? If not, I don't blame you, it could be a two-edged sword. One on hand, he may feel "whew, glad I don't have to worry about CL and she'll be there when I need her", or he'll feel "Grrr, now when I need her, she wants to limit my access to her". Whatever you do, and however you do it, please don't forget to take care of yourself first. Parents, place your airmask on yourself first, before that of your children.
jaweast Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 With a smile and a sparkle in my eye... Sheesh, what rock did you crawl out under? With a smile and a sparkle in my eye...lol...the same one you crawled out from under.
Author complicatedlife Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Is that ok with you? Are you coping well? It's ok for it not to be alright, you know. No one expects you to be a martyr. GEL Hey, GEL. I'm ok so far. I don't mind him discussing these things....yet! Things seem to be quieting down, but I think it's the calm before the storm!
Author complicatedlife Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 How are things going CL? Have you considered just telling him to not complain about the divorce when he's with you? I think that's a reasonable request. When I was in therapy with my H, we had to agree to only talk about what we were in therapy about when we were actually IN therapy. It helped ALOT to do that. I think its perfectly reasonable for you to ask that. But if you are going to ask that, you have to abide by it yourself and not ask about how his D is going or its not going to work. Have to told him that you are backing off to give him some emotional space? If not, I don't blame you, it could be a two-edged sword. One on hand, he may feel "whew, glad I don't have to worry about CL and she'll be there when I need her", or he'll feel "Grrr, now when I need her, she wants to limit my access to her". Whatever you do, and however you do it, please don't forget to take care of yourself first. Parents, place your airmask on yourself first, before that of your children. When I started responding less frequently, he started gravitating towards me even more. We're not seeing each other now - we have to wait a little while longer. But the physical space has been good for me - I miss him, but it's been enlightening.
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