When an MM is getting a divorce.

[complicatedlife]

Never in one million years would I have expected to be writing this - perhaps in a few years, but not now.

 

My MM and his W decided to call it quits awhile ago and are in the process of getting a divorce. I haven't been posting about my situation because I was in a good place about it. And while most people think I should be happy about this, I am not. People (especially children) are in pain and hurting - how could I find any joy in that? I do know that one day, we will all be in a better place because of this choice, though. I will say that I am happy that this was a choice that was made after a reconciliation attempt, so I don't have to worry about feeling like I was the reason why their marriage failed as we were LC during that time.

 

I understand that it's a rough time for him, and have given him the space and time he needs to handle his business and deal with his loss. However, things seem to be taking a turn towards being a very messy divorce (this is not about money or assets - that part has actually gone well). Even though we still are in communication from time to time, he seems withdrawn and not himself - I expected this, but not to the extent of him not even wanting to talk as it's extremely uncharacteristic of him.

 

I want to be supportive, but I don't know how. And even though my rational and professional mind tells me that this is all normal, it's so bad, that it doesn't seem normal, and seems unnatural for him.

 

If anyone has gone through this, whether an OW or an MM, I'd like to hear about this process and how you dealt with it. I'd be appreciative. Thanks!

 

CL

[NoIDidn't]

I think your MM is starting the emotional part of the divorce and just doesn't want to be in contact right now.

 

That's normal.

 

I am of the mind that even limited contact with you was detrimental to his marriage, but I am not in a position to say that that is why they called it quits. But since you have been in contact with him the entire time, its safe to say that he didn't fully commit to that reconciliation as his W would have probably liked for him to forget that you existed.

 

There is another possibility: there could be someone else. Its not uncommon for the MP to not want to have anyone from their "past" in their lives anymore - including the OP that they were seeing before the divorce became reality.

 

Best bet: continue giving him space. Its really all you can do as anything else is likely going to upset him and cause resentment in both of you.

[complicatedlife]

I am of the mind that even limited contact with you was detrimental to his marriage, but I am not in a position to say that that is why they called it quits. But since you have been in contact with him the entire time, its safe to say that he didn't fully commit to that reconciliation as his W would have probably liked for him to forget that you existed.

 

But...and I hate to put a but to what you wrote because there's a possibility of truth in it, but....why would you say he didn't fully commit to working on his relationship with her? We were dating while he was separated, and he went back to her, went to counseling for one full year, and only talked with me sporadically the first 6 months of therapy. In my eyes, he was completely devoted to making that commitment, and he had my support. Things changed between us when they realized they were no longer in love and only had the children in common and decided to try to stay married "for the kids". I know a lot of people say that even LC is bad, but how is it bad if the MM is devoted to making the marriage work, and the OW is genuinely encouraging that? I don't get it....

 

There is another possibility: there could be someone else.

You mean another woman? Well, anything is possible. I don't see how, as far as his work schedule, kids, and all the time that we spent (not hours, I am talking about days and weeks together), but.......

 

Best bet: continue giving him space. Its really all you can do as anything else is likely going to upset him and cause resentment in both of you.

 

I think this is the best bet as well. Thanks.

[desertmoon]

Hi complicatedlife! My xMM also filed for divorce from his wife. When he told me about it-it totally freaked me out! I imagined the worst. But it seems that their divorce is amicable enough-He is getting custody of the kids (stbxw did not protest), financial stuff seemed all settled. At that time, I was so worried about the fall out of his divorce, I told him we should maybe take a break and he agreed! He agreed!!!! and he told me, that he will need the time to sort things out(divorce), and that he thinks it would be good for us to take a break. So perhaps that's what your MM is doing, just time to himself to sort things out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes a divorce brings with it an urge to clean the slate: all of them, if you get what I'm saying.

 

He will be experiencing freedom, and will want to enjoy that for a while - not necessarily in a sexual or romantic way, but as a person on his own rebuilding his life. That takes time on his part, and if you want to be there for him, patience on his. He may be prickly toward you if you try to bring the focus on you and he as a couple. That is understandable. I'm sure the 'couple' thing is something he wants to work out of his system for a while first before he jumps back in.

 

He may come back around to you, he may not. Either way, the only thing you can do now is be there for support if he needs you, and fade to the background when he doesn't.

[OWoman]

CL - my H also went through some rough times after leaving his W. It took time and counselling for him to come to terms with it all - I left him on his own for 6 months after he left his W, before I joined him. He needed that time, although he didn't want it or enjoy it. (He loved being free of her, but he couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together immediately.)

 

Be there for him as you would for any friend, but beyond that, give him space. You don't want to be so close that he takes his irrationality out on you - you'd both regret that; but you don't want to be so far that if he needs to reach out, he can't reach you. You'll find the right balance, and when he's ready, he'll draw you back again.

 

But first, he needs to heal. Ms can be very damaging, and leaving bad Ms that "cannot be saved" brings with it a sense of failure, of defeat, of inadequacy. (Leaving a good M - or being left - brings other bad stuff...) He will no doubt be reflecting on how he could - should - have done things differently, blaming himself, getting angry with her, blaming her, getting angry with himself, and all manner of other positive and negative emotions as he processes the reality of the ending. It's like detoxing - you feel great once you're through it, but that initial period is really awful and you feel far worse than before you started.

 

Strength - it's worth it, in the end

[Lizzie60]

Divorce or separation (after many years) is extremely difficult .. even for the dumper (btdt)...

 

Methink he only needs time... just be there for him.. if he needs you.. men are different when it comes to dealing with emotional pain... they usually prefer to lick their wounds by themselves.. alone.

 

As long as he knows he can count on you.. don't worry about it.. he will only come back fresher ...

[whichwayisup]

In my eyes, he was completely devoted to making that commitment, and he had my support.

 

IN your eyes, but what about his? You two weren't in NC mode. You were still 'there' for him in some sense, supporting him. What if he made it seem like you two were completely done and in NC mode, he lied to his wife.

 

Anyway, all you can do is give him time and space. If he is distant it's probably because he is focussing on his kids, and the mess around him. He has nothing to give to you right now.

 

You should for your own sanity, detach yourself and shield your heart.

[complicatedlife]

Sometimes a divorce brings with it an urge to clean the slate: all of them, if you get what I'm saying.

 

He will be experiencing freedom, and will want to enjoy that for a while - not necessarily in a sexual or romantic way, but as a person on his own rebuilding his life. That takes time on his part, and if you want to be there for him, patience on his. He may be prickly toward you if you try to bring the focus on you and he as a couple. That is understandable. I'm sure the 'couple' thing is something he wants to work out of his system for a while first before he jumps back in.

 

He may come back around to you, he may not. Either way, the only thing you can do now is be there for support if he needs you, and fade to the background when he doesn't.

 

Thank you, Lucrezia - I'm trying to be as supportive as my emotions will allow.....

[complicatedlife]

CL - my H also went through some rough times after leaving his W. It took time and counselling for him to come to terms with it all - I left him on his own for 6 months after he left his W, before I joined him. He needed that time, although he didn't want it or enjoy it. (He loved being free of her, but he couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together immediately.)

 

Be there for him as you would for any friend, but beyond that, give him space. You don't want to be so close that he takes his irrationality out on you - you'd both regret that; but you don't want to be so far that if he needs to reach out, he can't reach you. You'll find the right balance, and when he's ready, he'll draw you back again.

 

But first, he needs to heal. Ms can be very damaging, and leaving bad Ms that "cannot be saved" brings with it a sense of failure, of defeat, of inadequacy. (Leaving a good M - or being left - brings other bad stuff...) He will no doubt be reflecting on how he could - should - have done things differently, blaming himself, getting angry with her, blaming her, getting angry with himself, and all manner of other positive and negative emotions as he processes the reality of the ending. It's like detoxing - you feel great once you're through it, but that initial period is really awful and you feel far worse than before you started.

 

Strength - it's worth it, in the end

 

He seems so confused - sometimes he tells me that he can't hold my life up and I should be free to do as I like (dating), and sometimes he asks me to be patient. I suppose confusion is wrapped up into all of the other things.

But, OWoman, you are so right....he is constantly saying that he "failed". And he is angry a lot - with her, but himself mostly.

What did YOU do to remain supportive, patient, and remain strong?

[complicatedlife]

Divorce or separation (after many years) is extremely difficult .. even for the dumper (btdt)...

 

Methink he only needs time... just be there for him.. if he needs you.. men are different when it comes to dealing with emotional pain... they usually prefer to lick their wounds by themselves.. alone.

 

As long as he knows he can count on you.. don't worry about it.. he will only come back fresher ...

 

Thank you, Lizzie - your last sentence actually made me chuckle!

[complicatedlife]

You should for your own sanity, detach yourself and shield your heart.

I want to do that for me, and try to be a supportive friend to him...it's difficult trying to find that balance.

[complicatedlife]

Hi complicatedlife! My xMM also filed for divorce from his wife. When he told me about it-it totally freaked me out! I imagined the worst. But it seems that their divorce is amicable enough-He is getting custody of the kids (stbxw did not protest), financial stuff seemed all settled. At that time, I was so worried about the fall out of his divorce, I told him we should maybe take a break and he agreed! He agreed!!!! and he told me, that he will need the time to sort things out(divorce), and that he thinks it would be good for us to take a break. So perhaps that's what your MM is doing, just time to himself to sort things out.

 

Thanks, DM - I hope things are not too difficult for you - I can empathize with how you may be feeling about all of that.

[tami-chan]

Thanks, DM - I hope things are not too difficult for you - I can empathize with how you may be feeling about all of that.

 

No, life is not that difficult actually, but thank you. xMM has since "settled" I guess-still waiting for everything to go through. His stbxw is now out of state living her life, he is living his with his kids AND trying to convince me to leave H and marry him...but..I am not there anymore, I can't go back to what we had...Reading all the stories here on LS had some impact on me, I guess.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I also am struggling with how to feel tonight. My MM had the talk with his W last night, and all day today. He emailed me a couple times and will give me more details. I feel sick. Probably nothing compared to what he and his W are each feeling.

 

Reading these posts I realize it could be months before we're together again, if that's what he needs, and we've been good at being patient throughout the affair.

 

I know that when I separated it wasn't as bad as everyone around me perceived. I have told this MM that he will need time, he doesn't think so, at least not a long time, if he leaves. He might even decide to stay single for a while, and I would understand. For all I know he may decide to stay with his W, and I woudl understand.

 

This is harder than I thought it would be. I dreamed last night that he decided to stay with her, and I was in so much pain, but I understood. Then I woke up and felt horrible.

[fooled once]

How about just telling him to contact you ONLY when/if he is ready to start a life with you?

 

I totally agree with the poster who said you still played a role in the break up of the marriage; because of the fact that (a) you actively had a relationship with a married person and (b) you stayed in contact with him while he was supposed to be working on his marriage.

 

Leave him be until he is done healing from the death of his marriage.

[OWoman]

He seems so confused - sometimes he tells me that he can't hold my life up and I should be free to do as I like (dating), and sometimes he asks me to be patient. I suppose confusion is wrapped up into all of the other things.

But, OWoman, you are so right....he is constantly saying that he "failed". And he is angry a lot - with her, but himself mostly.

What did YOU do to remain supportive, patient, and remain strong?

 

CL he seems confused because he IS confused. He honestly feels he has nothing to offer you - hence telling you to be free to do as you like - but deep down he does hope you'll wait for him, so that when he's able to offer you himself again, you'll be there for him.

 

What to do I guess depends on you and how you're feeling. For me it was easy enough to tell him that I didn't need more than he had to offer at that time, because I genuinely didn't. I had my own stuff to sort out, and when I was ready for him and was in a position to want more, he was in a position to offer it. (And I guess the converse, too - I was ready to offer more, and he was ready to want - and accept - it).

 

You'll find your own balance, don't worry.

 

(((((hugs))))))

[GreenEyedLady]

CL:

 

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time...Remember to do what's best for you...

 

(((HUGS)))

[complicatedlife]

I totally agree with the poster who said you still played a role in the break up of the marriage; because of the fact that (a) you actively had a relationship with a married person and (b) you stayed in contact with him while he was supposed to be working on his marriage.

 

I apologize if what I am about to articulate comes off as snippy, but, what you wrote is actually incorrect. I don't fault you, though, because you would have had to know my story from the beginning: I did not have a relationship while he was "married"; in the state that we live in, you have to be legally separated and living apart for a certain amount of time before a divorce is granted, but while the couple is legally separated, they are allowed to live as if they are unmarried and single. That is the time that I dated him. After he went back home with MY encouragement (because I believe to this day that he needed to go back and try one last time so that there would be no resentment between us if we were going to have a future), we were very LC. While he was in therapy and working on his marriage, never once did we discuss "us" - our conversations were very general, but mostly about how dedicated he was and the things he was doing/behaviors he was trying to change to try to reconcile; again, I completely encouraged the reconciliation even though I was hurting. During that time, we spoke maybe once every other week. While others may disagree, I doubt those 5 minute conversations every other week were detrimental to his attempts. When he and W decided after 1 year of therapy that they needed to try and stay for the children alone, that is when we slowly resumed a relationship - I am not saying that that was the ethical thing to do because W was in the dark about it, but there was no way that he could have been honest about it with her, even though he wanted to - and now, with all that is going on, I completely and totally understand why this woman could not be told the truth. I can't get into it any more than that for privacy reasons.

[NoIDidn't]

I apologize if what I am about to articulate comes off as snippy, but, what you wrote is actually incorrect. I don't fault you, though, because you would have had to know my story from the beginning: I did not have a relationship while he was "married"; in the state that we live in, you have to be legally separated and living apart for a certain amount of time before a divorce is granted, but while the couple is legally separated, they are allowed to live as if they are unmarried and single. That is the time that I dated him. After he went back home with MY encouragement (because I believe to this day that he needed to go back and try one last time so that there would be no resentment between us if we were going to have a future), we were very LC. While he was in therapy and working on his marriage, never once did we discuss "us" - our conversations were very general, but mostly about how dedicated he was and the things he was doing/behaviors he was trying to change to try to reconcile; again, I completely encouraged the reconciliation even though I was hurting. During that time, we spoke maybe once every other week. While others may disagree, I doubt those 5 minute conversations every other week were detrimental to his attempts. When he and W decided after 1 year of therapy that they needed to try and stay for the children alone, that is when we slowly resumed a relationship - I am not saying that that was the ethical thing to do because W was in the dark about it, but there was no way that he could have been honest about it with her, even though he wanted to - and now, with all that is going on, I completely and totally understand why this woman could not be told the truth. I can't get into it any more than that for privacy reasons.

 

I don't feel that you need to defend yourself, but you contradicted yourself in this paragraph.

 

First you say you were with a legally separated but married man.

 

Then, you say you encouraged him to go back to his marriage. Well, there goes the legally separated part. He's back to being married.

 

But then, you say you slowly resumed your R when he and his W decided to only stay together for the children AND his W was in the dark about it. That's an affair.

 

So, your involvement with this man aided in the final destruction of his marriage. No, its not your fault. But it contributed on his part. And the fact that he still can't be bothered to tell her the truth proves it.

 

I understand the need to redefine the relationship, but it did become an affair once you resumed the relationship in secret without his W's knowledge.

[complicatedlife]

CL he seems confused because he IS confused. He honestly feels he has nothing to offer you - hence telling you to be free to do as you like - but deep down he does hope you'll wait for him, so that when he's able to offer you himself again, you'll be there for him.

 

What to do I guess depends on you and how you're feeling. For me it was easy enough to tell him that I didn't need more than he had to offer at that time, because I genuinely didn't. I had my own stuff to sort out, and when I was ready for him and was in a position to want more, he was in a position to offer it. (And I guess the converse, too - I was ready to offer more, and he was ready to want - and accept - it).

 

You'll find your own balance, don't worry.

 

(((((hugs))))))

 

Thanks so much, OWoman.

 

We talked a little and I was made aware of the depth of the seriousness of this divorce. It is quite ugly and I am amazed that people who once loved each other can behave in such a horrible way towards one another, espcially when there are children involved - it's sad, and it's depressing and I am not even involved in it. Maybe I am being selfish here, but....while I understand his preoccupation with the problems, I don't like the way he is handling it. It makes me feel like if we were married and a crisis were to come up with W/the children, he would neglect me. Until it was resolved. While I know and accept that the children will always come before me, I don't think I should be neglected in the process. I don't think that would be right - he would have to find a balance in handling such a thing. Maybe I am being too hard and too focused on myself right now, but I think I deserve it because I have given so much for the past few weeks with no regard to my own needs. And now I'm babbling and probably not making much sense. Sorry!

[complicatedlife]

I don't feel that you need to defend yourself, but you contradicted yourself in this paragraph.

 

First you say you were with a legally separated but married man.

 

Then, you say you encouraged him to go back to his marriage. Well, there goes the legally separated part. He's back to being married.

 

But then, you say you slowly resumed your R when he and his W decided to only stay together for the children AND his W was in the dark about it. That's an affair.

 

So, your involvement with this man aided in the final destruction of his marriage. No, its not your fault. But it contributed on his part. And the fact that he still can't be bothered to tell her the truth proves it.

 

I understand the need to redefine the relationship, but it did become an affair once you resumed the relationship in secret without his W's knowledge.

 

There is no contradiction there, what I stated is all fact. He was legally separated and legally allowed to date - I encouraged him to go back, he did. We ended our relationship. He worked on the marriage. It didn't work and they agreed to stay married for the sake of the children. At that time, yes, we did have an affair, and I said that - I said it was not ethical- I may not have used the term "affair", but if it makes it better for you, I have just used it. And, no, she cannot be told about what happened. If you care to know why, I don't say it specifically, but you can read between the lines in my old threads. Thank God she didn't know because it would be something that she could and would certainly try to use against him in the worst way even though she has done the same but he chooses not to use it against her at this time.

 

So again, there was no contradiction - I stated facts, and I was honest.

[complicatedlife]

CL:

 

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time...Remember to do what's best for you...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Thanks, GEL.

 

No matter what the outcome is between us, at least there are some children who will no longer be surrounded by tension and a house void of love; they may also one day get to experience what real, true love is between two adults. That is so important for children to see. No matter how hard it is for me, it's worse for them.

[NoIDidn't]

There is no contradiction there, what I stated is all fact. He was legally separated and legally allowed to date - I encouraged him to go back, he did. We ended our relationship. He worked on the marriage. It didn't work and they agreed to stay married for the sake of the children. At that time, yes, we did have an affair, and I said that - I said it was not ethical- I may not have used the term "affair", but if it makes it better for you, I have just used it. And, no, she cannot be told about what happened. If you care to know why, I don't say it specifically, but you can read between the lines in my old threads. Thank God she didn't know because it would be something that she could and would certainly try to use against him in the worst way even though she has done the same but he chooses not to use it against her at this time.

 

So again, there was no contradiction - I stated facts, and I was honest.

 

I know you are trying not to give too much information but I can read between the lines.

 

Of course he isn't going to use her *indiscretion* against her during the divorce considering what he's been up too. LOL. That would be hypocritical. And not wanting her to know is simply selfish on his part because apparently he's in a fault state and she is legally entitled to use it against him as its a recent thing and him staying (and even going back to her) with her negates hers.

 

I would hate to be so involved with someone else's marriage and divorce proceedings. You really should take a step back. If he's neglecting you now and you are being kept a secret, I doubt things will get much better after the divorce is over since he doesn't want to anger her any further.

 

If you are already neglecting your own needs and he's neck deep in his own stuff, you owe it to yourself to look after yourself as he can't and won't do it right now. He's telling you what you need to hear to support HIM. If you were to ask for support for helping him go through this, I'm willing to bet good money that you'll be told something to the effect of "not now, wait until all this boils over", over and over again.

 

Take care of you. Even if it means going NC during his divorce to save your own sanity.

[complicatedlife]

I know you are trying not to give too much information but I can read between the lines.

 

Of course he isn't going to use her *indiscretion* against her during the divorce considering what he's been up too. LOL. That would be hypocritical. And not wanting her to know is simply selfish on his part because apparently he's in a fault state and she is legally entitled to use it against him as its a recent thing and him staying (and even going back to her) with her negates hers.

 

I would hate to be so involved with someone else's marriage and divorce proceedings. You really should take a step back. If he's neglecting you now and you are being kept a secret, I doubt things will get much better after the divorce is over since he doesn't want to anger her any further.

 

If you are already neglecting your own needs and he's neck deep in his own stuff, you owe it to yourself to look after yourself as he can't and won't do it right now. He's telling you what you need to hear to support HIM. If you were to ask for support for helping him go through this, I'm willing to bet good money that you'll be told something to the effect of "not now, wait until all this boils over", over and over again.

 

Take care of you. Even if it means going NC during his divorce to save your own sanity.

 

The divorce stuff is so complicated and hard to explain because of the whole anonymity thing- but, to me, they are BOTH wrong and liable for where things are today. While I may have contributed to the demise on his end towards the end of their marriage, it's no excuse for their behavior and accusations all over the place - as I mentioned, not just them - but to all people going through a divorce with children, I don't get what is so hard about putting your emotions aside and putting those little people first.

 

As for the rest of what you said, thank you. It's hard to not be involved when he or someone related to him calls me and tells me what's going on and how awful it is (I can now see why men with children hate divorcing), but you are 100% right in that I need to take care of myself, no matter the cost.