Should I give him a second chance?

[beedog]

I've looked around the "Second Chances" forum but I haven't found a similar situation. So here goes...

 

My ex-boyfriend and I had been dating for 2.5 years. We got on really well, same values and sense of humour, two people in sync, we loved each other, we were comfortable and happy together. For both of us, it was our first long term relationship with someone who we truly loved (both early 20s, out of college). I've been in other shorter relationships but I've always been dumped.

 

The thing is, towards the 2nd half of the relationship (about a year ago, now) I started feeling strange. The major reason behind this was probably because I would be unhappy with the amount of attention and love he gave me (stuff like him not going out of his way to see me, him putting himself/his friends/work/anything ahead of me even if I told him that I was having a bad day etc.). I would get angry, he would apologise, but he wouldn't explain why, he'd just apologise. Things got to a point where all the things he wouldn't do just got to me. To this day I'm not sure if I was reasonable or unreasonably clingy with high expectations of a fairytale romance.

 

They culminated two weeks ago when I was having a really bad time of things, I emailed him pouring my heart out and he didn't reply immediately, yet he was posting online to other things (FB etc) I could see. So to me it felt like I wasn't being acknowledged at all, which is all I wanted. To me it seemed like just another time where he was too lazy to care about me or how I felt. And it was too much. Enough was enough. I broke it off with him in person, and we agreed that it was tough but the right thing to do, and that we wished to be amicable. This was at the end of March, so a month and a half ago.

 

There was some emailing between each other during the first couple of weeks. The gravity of the break-up only hit him a week after it actually happened. He apologised and said he only now truly realised how hurt and neglected I must have felt, that he was sorry and he wanted another chance and he would change. However, I put my foot down even though I was unsure - I felt that if I wasn't sure, it wasn't fair of me to give him false hopes, so I put my foot down and said "The relationship is over".

 

I initiated NC after that, and sent his stuff back via mail. I had to see him at a friend's wedding, which was hard... all i really felt was awkward and upset. The NC got broken twice - once by when I emailed him letting him know a family member was sick, and once by him congradulating me on a major event. (being deliberately vague here) Other than that I've been working really hard on maintaining NC and not knowing what he's doing.

 

I'd asked him to return his stuff via mail, in the end he ended up leaving it on my porch while I was at work with a letter saying "Sorry I didn't return your stuff earlier... let me know when you're ready to talk." Made me confused I tell you...

 

I've had this long nagging feeling that I should talk to him, and I'm not sure why. I've discussed this with my therapist (who I see for major depression - another possible complicating factor) and she thinks that I should possibly talk to him if I know what I want to achieve from it. But I don't. To get back together with him would involve a complete wipe of the slate and lots of change from where we both were.

 

Do you think it would be of any value to start initiating contact with him again? It's only been a month and a half since the breakup, and I was the dumper. I don't know what I want, even though things logically feel resolved in my head (bad relationship, was ended, good job!) I still feel a gut feeling that things aren't completely resolved. At the moment I still don't know what he wants either, so the idea of initiating contact would be to find that out. But I'm not sure if that's my place anymore...

[Ronni_W]

Since you are still so unsure about what you want, possibly it's not the best time to try to contact him.

Also may be a good idea to postpone trying to reconnect with him (on whatever level) until you do have a better handle on the depression.

 

In terms of helping you uncover what are your important emotional needs within a romantic relationship, you may wish to check out the 'emotional needs questionnaire' over at marriagebuilders.com

 

Once you get clear on yours, and if/when you guys have the type of interaction that would facilitate it, then maybe he'd be interested in filling out his own questionnaire and you guys can "compare notes" and see if you really are or are not compatible insofar as your individual needs and ability to respect/meet the other's.

 

Wishing you good luck in therapy.

[beedog]

Since you are still so unsure about what you want, possibly it's not the best time to try to contact him.

Also may be a good idea to postpone trying to reconnect with him (on whatever level) until you do have a better handle on the depression.

 

In terms of helping you uncover what are your important emotional needs within a romantic relationship, you may wish to check out the 'emotional needs questionnaire' over at marriagebuilders.com

 

Once you get clear on yours, and if/when you guys have the type of interaction that would facilitate it, then maybe he'd be interested in filling out his own questionnaire and you guys can "compare notes" and see if you really are or are not compatible insofar as your individual needs and ability to respect/meet the other's.

 

Wishing you good luck in therapy.

The strange thing is, after the initial sadness of the break-up my depression has really lifted. It's been pretty heavy for the last 6 months or so, maybe because I was thinking about this situation so much. I'm in a very good state right now, for the last 2 or 3 weeks, and my therapist agrees. I think that's why she's very keen on me dealing with my feelings and talking to my ex-bf, because it's nagging me a lot.

 

I was talking to a friend today and she mentioned that it may be possible (she doesn't know my ex-bf personally, just speculating) that he's just worried about my depression and is only thinking about my wellbeing, not the relationship. The fact of the matter is, I don't know what he's thinking, or even if he wants to talk to me or just check up on me (the last letter said "Let me know when you're ready to talk"). So maybe I'll just never know until I ask...?

[Ronni_W]

That is excellent news, that you've regained a good measure of control over the depression!

Yes, it's possible that your ex may have realized that your having to deal with a less-than-stellar relationship was adding to the mental-emotional burden.

 

Has your therapist helped to you unravel what was going on for you about your expectations/demands of his time and attention, your anger issues, etc.? In my experience, those are going to resurface for you (no matter in which relationship) until you get them totally sorted out.

 

I mean. Yes, it does sound is if you're in a far better place and more "ready to talk" at this point. But, looking past that first in-depth "talk" or two: If it turns out that you both want to try a reconciliation...are you mentally and emotionally "ready" for that?

 

Though, of course you can get in touch with him now to see what's what, and then just delay any "second chance" discussions until you feel fully ready to have those. That's another way to go, too.

 

At least you have options now! That's always a good thing, in my books

[not_a_happy_camper]

hi Beedog, I was in a situation similar to yours in many ways, and also not so many ways! my boyf and I broke up in November. He dumped me, even though it was I was the one feeling neglected. Long story...................I have loads of posts here from January onwards explaining the whole thing, I won't go into the story! Basically we hadn't been communicating much, and a major event became the straw the broke the camel's back, I then fired all the pent up resentment at him all at once. He was shocked, and became rather defensive, and after a few weeks of not being able to see each other to talk it out (long distance to complicate matters), he broke it off. I was gutted. I spent the best part of 6 weeks glued to my bed (other complicating factors - unemployed, living at home with parents, one of whom was incapacitated at the time)

 

That's the long story short! I became very down before things had gone wrong with us anyway, due to the situation at home. I think, although I certainly feel I was being neglected in the relationship, that I also had unrealistic expectations of how he should be treating me. A lot of it was down to circumstances at the time. I will take a certain amount of blame, though not all.

 

Back in february, I began to feel like I was moving on. I became far more positive about life in general, by getting out and involved in more things, even though the employment situation hasn't improved no matter how hard I try (recession burns). I am however keeping myself occupied! Have passed my driving test, got involved in theatre, doing yoga, etc! But something was niggling....................even though he'd broken up with me, I felt enormous guilt for the way I'd fired everything at him the way I did, knowing I could have handled it better, knowing that I hurt him. I know he hurt me too. but I wanted to apologise for my part. I had sent him an email a few weeks after the break-up too, detailing why I'd never be with him again, because of the way he'd treated me coming up to the break-up, and the way in which he broke up with me. I feel it was the right thing to do at the time, but I always wondered would he have contacted me if it hadn't been for that email (at the time he broke up with me, he kept saying he was going to regret the decision).

 

So I contacted him in February to meet up for coffee. we did that. it was awkward, but nice. I apologised. we talked a lot. I got a heartfelt apology from him too. I swear, if I could have written it word for word the way I wanted to hear it, I got it.

 

I contacted him because things were unresolved in my mind. I don't feel guilty anymore for my part. It was what it was. that's over with. The resentment I felt towards him is slowly melting away, and there was a lot of it, I can tell you! and though we haven't been able to see each other much, I can see the effort he is making to repair things. we speak to each other every night (the lack of contact during the week was one of my gripes before!). without fail he rings me every night and we chat for ages. we are working on things. I don't know that it will last or for how long. I find it hard because we don't see each other as much as we used to. Long story there too! But we are both pretty determined to give it a go. I didn't always want to be wondering what if. I wanted to see if we could work.

 

so if you feel there are unresolved issues, maybe you should contact him. but like ronni said, be sure what you want to achieve from meeting him. there's no point going in there without an aim or purpose, because you may not get all the answers you want. even with the aim/purpose, you still may not be happy with whatever you get, but at least you will have done it.

[beedog]

Ronni_W and not_a_happy_camper, thanks for your responses! camper you're right, our situations are very similar, and I'm glad to hear that it's working out. I wish you guys all the best.

 

I think my first goal is to figure out what he wants. If he doesn't want a relationship and he just wants to be friends, then I know that I'm not ready for that. So at the moment, I'm just emailing him and trying to work that out. Keeping it very simple. Once I know what pages we are both on, I think I will go from there.

 

Thanks again. I really do appreciate your honest and well-thought-out advice, guys. I will keep you guys posted.

[Tizzy]

I think the two of you should talk about what the issues were before the breakup and what you'd like to see done differently if you give the relationship another chance. i don't see anything that screams dealbreaker to me and it sounds like this guy genuinely cares about you and wants to make an honest effort to do better. Be clear about what you want, need and expect from the relationship (ie attention, communication, love etc) and what these things look and sound like to you (ie return emails promptly, go out of way to see you, and so on). Give him a chance to do better. If after a month or so you see no improvement then kick him to the curb and move on. If things don't work out it's okay, that simply means there's someone better suited for you out there.

[LuckyClover]

Truth is what you've done to him, in my opinion, is far worse then what he's done to you.....all he's done is be a guy....The question is not should you give him a chance...the question is can he honestly give you another chance(even if he is asking). Guys and Girls don't speak the same language....when he was looking up FB, well that doesn't mean he wasn't thinking about how to reply to what you wrote. If he isn't what you wanted in a relationship, and when you told him that(directly not hints), he didn't change or attemt to meet your needs, then move on. Don't look back....because eventually it will be so far into the realationship that eventually YOU will not be happy and will be unfaithful, cheat, and break his heart just for him being himself....Find someone that is themselves and meets your needs at the same time...you can't fix a guy that doesn't want to be fixed. Stop focusing on his need for change and start focusing on yours. If you really love him...it's not what he needs to do...it's what you need to do. Happiness is something you plant and grow...it's not a gut feeling. That's lust. Plant the seed and talk to him directly...tell him what you want...you'd be amazed at what lengths guys will go when they know exactly what you're looking for.

[Soul Bear]

You shouldnt be asking if you should give him a second chance.

You should be asking YOURSELF if you want to give him a second chance.

 

Dont let other peoples ideas influence you.

 

If you feel like you should be with him, then for gods sake woman, be with the man. Check this out. Someone posted to my thread, and im telling you, its so true.

 

Originally Posted by LovesHangover

My recent revelation: Anything shy of abuse, you don't need advice for. If you care enough to ask for advice, you don't need it. Seriously, just be honest, open, and vulnerable and take what you get. Be yourself.

 

I realized that it doesn't work when you are acting out someone else's version of what is right for you. It is inauthentic and you don't get want you want because you are not following your heart.

 

Geez, I wish I had thought about this sooner. I mean all this NC and maintain your power mess is bull. It is completely manipulative. You have no power if you can't even express your truth. Ineffective, inconsistent communication kills love.

 

I forgive myself for listening to all the bad advice over the years and not following my heart. It was my decision to yield my responsibilities to others. It wasn't anyone else's choice to make. It's really sad because all I have are questions now, and it is beyond too late for me and my ex.

 

The funniest thing is that I ended our relationship, yet my heart remains with him. The next time I fall in love I am going to keep communicating. You create your world through language so why keep quiet. Always express yourself.

 

 

We could all learn from this

[Ronni_W]

You should be asking YOURSELF if you want to give him a second chance.

Soul, that is so true...we ought to act from OUR OWN desires, needs, preferences and dislikes instead of other people's "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts".

But sometimes we also must take stock of whether or not we have all the resources (mental, emotional, physical) to go after what we want at a given time.

 

For example, if I want to start a business...do I have the skills, knowledge, etc., to be successful, or would it be wiser to first get some training in sales or accounting or whatever?

 

In relationships...do I have the self-awareness, can I stay in charge of my own emotions in challenging situations, can I allow others to be who THEY are without judging and wanting to change them, do I have the capacity to understand, empathize, forgive???

 

That kind of self-reflection is also very useful, when we're making decisions about what we want to achieve in life.

[Soul Bear]

Ronni_W

But sometimes we also must take stock of whether or not we have all the resources (mental, emotional, physical) to go after what we want at a given time.

 

I agree with you, however, i believe in risks. Calculated risks..

If you dont take risks you dont get the rewards.

 

The reward of a risk, whether it turns out in your favour or not, can only make you a stronger and wiser person in the end.

 

Its a really tough road knowing which way to go. I empathise with all the ones on here who are finding ot hard. I hope that you will find it within yourselves to find your own way and follow your rheat and desires, no matter what

 

SB

[beedog]

I think the two of you should talk about what the issues were before the breakup and what you'd like to see done differently if you give the relationship another chance...

OK well, to follow this up... I've spent a fair bit of time thinking about what I wanted to say to my ex and the more I think about things, the more I realise I don't want to be with him and the more I realise I made the right choice. When I was making my earlier posts I was at about 60% "made the right choice" and 40% "give it another chance", now I've ticked over to about 95% "made the right choice".

 

Unfortunately I broke NC with him while I was still uncertain - nothing too heavy, just getting back in touch, I told him that I wanted to talk but I was still unsure about what to do so unfortunately he ended up waiting which is NOT what I wanted. He did ask me which way I was leaning and I was honest and told him that I probably wouldn't lean towards a second chance but I think he still has a tiny glimmer of hope that he's holding onto.

 

Truth be told there's a lot that I don't like about him and I don't think that those things will ever change. I can practically make a grocery list of things and events that he did in the relationship that hurt me. I believe that the longer you get to know a person, the more their true colours come out... and if these were his true colours then he was NOT a person I wanted to be with. On the other hand, this was a first major long term relationship for both of us, and I think he didn't realise how hurtful his actions (or lack thereof) were.

 

I want to talk about the above and just get some explanations, I guess. A sort of debrief with constructive criticism. I want him to know what he did or didn't do, and why it hurt me and broke the relationship. But I know that by doing that I would get incredibly angry and say a lot of cruel things, and he may say things that would end up hurting me a lot, too. I know he is not the sole person at fault.

 

I've tried talking to my therapist about this stuff and it just feels like it has no effect. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I also know that it's still really soon (it's only been 2 months since the break-up) ... I'm just waiting and hoping for some clarity I guess. I know that at this point I myself would probably get incredibly upset if my ex came up to me and basically said "You were a huge f*ck-up and you hurt me really badly" but it still feels like it needs to be said to him...

[beedog]

OK well. If anybody is still following this...

 

I talked to him in person. All in all I would say it didn't go too well. He said that when I started making NC he made up all these stories in his mind about what I was doing and if I was seeing somebody.. I said "that's not why I did it! I did it so you could forget and heal".

 

He's really sad.. he looked tired and haggard and just not very good. And he basically begged me for another chance. He said he needed me, that he would do things right. How many times I wished he would say that during the relationship! But I think the connection is gone on my part, he's hurt me too many times. I felt so bad. I do understand what it's like to be on the other side of the coin.

 

I think after the talk we both understand a little better why we did what we did. But I'm really worried about him. He has bigger issues than I can fix. He doesn't respect or care about himself. And I can't do anything about that, and I can't be with him unless he sorts that out. (I know I'm all over the place - "I want to be with him!" "I don't want to be with him!" I'm really confused too.) I think that if we stayed together, we'd both be holding each other down, and while that would be comfortable, it wouldn't be healthy in the long term.

 

I admit I did go into this leaving the door to reconciliation open a tiny crack. I just can't make myself walk through that door. It doesn't feel right. We're both messed up. It's not right.

 

He was very angry and upset when he left. He's cut off contact with me and blocked me from seeing or talking to him online (which is the only way we can communicate), so he's very angry/upset/serious. However, would it be wrong of me to tell him to see a counsellor or therapist? I think it's what he needs.

[Soul Bear]

He doesnt need a counselor.

You have given him false hope, he is heartbroken, hence his anger and haggard look.

 

If you dont want to be with this guy then STOP giving him hope. Your not doing him any favours at all by telling him you dont know what you want or by being in contact with him.

Tell him to move on, even if you still are not sure yourself, he wont make any changes for himself until he has a definitive.

 

When you start to see the changes in him, if you still feel the same way, then you can make up your mind if you want to be together or not.