RcBunnys2 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Have you ever dated someone for a while, been with someone you really liked (or even just been with someone) and then suddenly one day you notice that they haven't talked to you in a while? In a week? In a few weeks? Never again? Or have you ever dated someone and noticed that that spark isn't there, or wore off, but you didn't want to tell them it wasn't going to work and instead decided to simply cut off all contact with them as your way of saying "it's over"? I myself was recently going out with a guy (I thought it was going quite well) and then one day he just dropped off the face of the earth and stopped all contact with me. What do you think of this "breakup method"? Is stopping all contact with something a good or bad way to breakup? What are your experiences?
EmperorR Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 My last ex did this to me, for a full week never contacted me at all, when I called it went to her answering machine when she did pick up she had to go but she would call me back. I'm not dumb and knew she was emotionally detaching and then she dumped me through text. Stopping all contact is a cowards way for me, if someone doesn't wantme in their life then fine but cutting all contact and just dissappearing iscold.
boogieboy Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Its a cowards way out, and it pretty much tells you what kind of character that person is when they cant deal with a face to face, or even a formal dumping by some method. Usually they do it because they dont want to deal with the other person trying to save the relationship.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Boy this is the Houdini Act. First you see him then...he disappears. Its text book committment phobe. There are numerous types of phobes but Houdini is in fact one of them. Exert from the man and his conflict, Houdini is the worst example of a committmentphobic who gets in over his head and suddenly panics. All he wants is to get away. He doesnt want to have any discussions, and he doesnt want to try to "work it out". He realizes that it is quite hard to justify his behavior, but he doesnt care. He disappears because he knows if he stops long enough to tell the woman what he is feeling, she will suggest they try to work the problem out. This is exactly what he doesnt want to do. He just wants to get away, and his discomfort is so great that he cannot and will not allow anything to slow down his escape process. It goes on to say that the men that talked about this describe the experience like being drunk and then sobering up. They are elated with the experience of new love and plunge forward without thinking. Then, one day, also with no thought, they claim they sober up and know they have to renege on their committment. After the fact these men typically feel guilty and embarrassed and want to forget the whole experience. The women ae often wiped out and always want some form of explanation. That in itself is just one example of a committment phobe but its not the only pattern of Houdini. Some disappear and then reappear and often for years if allowed to. He likes to leave when the going gets good. He simply changes his mind because he knows he cant follow thru and he cant explain his logic behind it mostly because he doesnt understand it himself. Most of the time the people I know who've had experience with these type of behaviors in men agree that the men are rarely able to come out and say they want to leave the relationship. Often instead they up the anty and continue with the I love yous but their behavior changes when they are with you. You then have to rely on body language to get the answers. His goal is to maintain and lengthen the distance and without the ability to be upfront about his desire to leave the relationship, he takes the cowards way out. Can you do anything about it? Can you do anything to change it? Cant you help him? Unfortunately the answer is an astounding NO. Its really not you. Its him. Its his illness and he is broken but you cant fix or change it. He needs help from a professional to really turn his soul inside out and take a look at what deep rooted problem is causing this fear of committment and leaves women with broken hearts. And it isnt just men with this problem. Women Houdini's exhibit the same tendencies as the male counterparts. Some of these people will form a committment to avoid a committment. In other words, he'll leave you and begin a new relationship with someone else. Often they do it with lightning speed but that is only because he knows he wont be able to think about it so he jumps in and decides he'll think about it later on in the relationship. But dont worry, that relationship will be just a trauma filled as the ER down the street. His logic is distorted and his idea of love and committment itself is not even near to being close to the right kind. He cant love because he cant commit and he cant commit because he has a distorted logic of what real committment is. I could write for days about this only because I have experienced it first hand. Ive learned that in the beginning when a man comes on strong, my red flags come up. I no longer kid myself into to thinking this guys into me so quickly, so he must really like me. Wrong. Then comes the decision he makes to pursue so quickly and to tell me how special I am. Red flag. Oh yes then there's my personal favorite - the lets ignore his bad history with women because Im different and I can change him. WRONG BIG RED FLAG! They make great car salesmen because the goal is to sell himself to you in a short amount of time because the quicker he gets to you the quicker he gets the high and then boom. Reality check, im no longer drunk and I want out. The hardest part for me was learning to not only recognize a committment phobes behavior and patterns, but, what I was doing to draw them to me.
kizik Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Great post as usual, scoot. I dated a girl for three years before she pulled her Houdini. She didn't have the guts to break up with me, so instead she treated me badly until I was forced to break up with her. Granted, I tolerated sub-par treatment and shouldn't have. So of course it was my fault as well. In the future, though, I know I won't take sh*t off anyone, b/c, well, I'd rather be in my own company and be nice to myself than to allow someone to verbally degrade me again. You are SO right about how they come on strong in order to 'hook' you. This girl told me she'd marry me tomorrow if I asked... and this was in the first month of dating! I should have run for the hills right then. But she and I had a history, and I thought I loved her. Some things you just have to DO. You can't get in a relationship if you're always worried about it ending. Great post.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Hey kizik! Great to hear from you and thanks. I try to help out the best I can and I guess Im a philisophical of sorts. Ive just experienced so much and want to help others to be happy and find the right kind of love. Your so right about taking the sub treatment. We allow it because we love them and believe things will change. The thing is they cant face us with the truth because they cant face it themselves so the best way to do that is to push the blame to us. It relieves their guilt and allows them the escape they need without being held accountable. But trust me on this, one day they will be held accountable. At some point they are going to have to face their illness or else they'll end up in a nursing home all alone and have never gotten to experience the joy of love and true committment. Sorry to hear you had to deal with this disappearing act too. Well count your lucky stars because you understand what its about and now are armed with the knowledge of what to do when you come across one!
kizik Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 But trust me on this, one day they will be held accountable. At some point they are going to have to face their illness or else they'll end up in a nursing home all alone and have never gotten to experience the joy of love and true committment. I wish I knew this was true, scoot, but I fear it's just wishful thinking. With enough victims to prey on, some abuser types can and do go an entire lifetime without ever getting rejected themselves. Perhaps that's just me being cynical. My ex never tried to contact me once after the breakup. That hurt, a lot, as I never did anything to cause it. Also, I found out that she has a new BF. So you can see how I can envision the pattern continuing inevitably.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 kizik, I certainly get where your coming from with that. I'd be cynical too. At least I was contacted and he still contacts me now after three years and still with the girl he left me for. You know it comes in different packages for each of us. Different environments and different reasons but the one solid thing we have is the fact that it hurts all of us the same no matter what the story is on why they left. Look at it this way for now. That new BF has got a rude awakening coming. Oh sure its probably grandose right now but trust me my friend, it will change. I know this to be fact. Its their MO to leave and if she doesnt right now, she'll leave after the I do's. But I seriously doubt she'll reach that point with the new BF. Karma I truly believe in. What you put out there comes back threefold. There might be a few who arent held accountable but I look at it in this respect. Sure they might find someone but that relationship will never be built on the right foundation and its really frikin cold, wet, windy, and hot out there when the roof over your head comes crashing down. Your already there more than you think kizik. And I for one believe that the right one is coming your way, you just have to go thru a few bad ones before the right one comes along!
kizik Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Scoot, thanks for the reply. I find myself awaiting your wise words. Look at it this way for now. That new BF has got a rude awakening coming. Oh sure its probably grandose right now but trust me my friend, it will change. I know this to be fact. Its their MO to leave and if she doesnt right now, she'll leave after the I do's. But I seriously doubt she'll reach that point with the new BF. You are probably right. Here is the caveat; it took three years before my ex showed her true, irresponsible, cruel, neglectful self. It could easily take that long, or longer, for her new R to crumble as mine did. On the one hand, I shouldn't even be talking about this. It is none of my business and I recognize that. But I am absolutely fascinated with the narcissistic tendencies which she displayed and that I am now beginning to understand. I'm essentially trying to fit the puzzle pieces together - which I know, is not productive.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 kizik, I dont know about the wise words part, but what I do know is what its like to walk in your shoes. go get the book Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. My therapist had suggested I read it and it was what helped me understand a lot and well has put me where I am today. Although it was written for married couples it applies to those of us who were in a relationship. Its got a lot of anwers to your questions and an emense amount of healing for your heart. Of course there were other books I read on her list as well and there are a few that stood out but this one was by far the best for me. On the one hand, I shouldn't even be talking about this. It is none of my business and I recognize that. But I am absolutely fascinated with the narcissistic tendencies which she displayed and that I am now beginning to understand. I'm essentially trying to fit the puzzle pieces together - which I know, is not productive. I have to disagree with that one. You should be talking about this and yes i was just as fascinated as you were. It really is productive. It gives you peace of mind, it helps you understand why you are not the problem and how and why the relationship stands where it is today. Its human nature to know why. And while you may never hear from her why, just gathering all this information will be why enough in the end when your past this. Oh the narcissistic people of this earth! How heavily they tread upon us. We are victims of their deciet and we are left with their cross to bear. But you know what kizik? I refused to carry that cross for long. Once I understood more about what left me saying, did that just happen?, I started to reach that place where it didnt hurt to breathe and I could smile, and I started laughing again, and I finally reached that place where I knew I had come thru a better person. They say God doesnt punish with a stick and I believe that! He lets us punish ourselves and when the pain gets so great, he leads us to the right path and holds our hearts while we heal. So dont think along the lines of it isnt productive, it is and you'll be amazed at what happens when you reach the light at the other side!
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Yeah my ex told me without our first MONTH of going out that he wanted to have kids with me. Its like they offer you a sense of security/future/committment...and they when you follow through with anything, they think YOU'RE the scary one.
EmperorR Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Yeah my ex told me without our first MONTH of going out that he wanted to have kids with me. Its like they offer you a sense of security/future/committment...and they when you follow through with anything, they think YOU'RE the scary one. Likewise luckily I gained experience from last time, words are meaningless
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I agree. I think you can mean it but in the time it takes for your thoughts to come out as words, you might not even mean what you say anymore! Especially if you are a fickle person. I'm an English student though so my ex always used to say I analysed everything he said too much - call it a habit that i've developed through my degree...but i'm GLAD I did because I noticed where things didn't add up. Thing is I always used to write him poetry etc, and he sometimes used to say I was 'dramatic' but I meant every word I wrote to him Anyway Emporer its nice to know of someone else in the same kind of situation - its their loss
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