eiithan Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Lately I got slightly addicted to reading Match profiles for more or less an anthropological curiosity (no I am not dating), and one thing I noticed was that there are a huge number of 30s men who state "I want a woman who knows what she wants" "I am looking for a drama-free person" "no baggage." And at the same time, many of them want to go out with younger women, the age group of 21-30. And this is where I got curious. As a mid-20ish woman, barely out of college (about 1 year now), I began to realise I actually do not exactly know what I want in men, kind of stuck between flaky college students and adult dates, especially given the economy and all other psychological challenges (being thrown into the real world and office politics and all that; in my case, I had to change my job three times in one year and my current job does not give me much satisfaction either). Men in my age group I feel safe, but they tend to be major flakes and clueless; I turned to look at men in his 30s, and they seem to want a younger woman with mental security. I am not an emotional mess in terms of self-control, value systems, my goal, etc. However, I am also an emotional mess in terms of situation. And I feel like everyone in their mid-to-late 20s go through this stage of discontent/re-adjustment/re-evaluation. And that's where I am perplexed. What do 30ish men actually mean by "drama-free" "baggage-free" when they want 20ish young women who are naturally quite confused?
paddington bear Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I'd like to hear opinions on this as well. I've heard so many men say they want drama-free, or 'she's too high maintenance' and yet all around me I see guys lusting after and in relationships with women who are high-drama, are by no means maintenance-free and that seems to keep them hooked, maybe not happily hooked, but hooked nonetheless. So, yes a definition of what is no-drama, I'd be curious to hear that because as a female I think my definition of it might be different to a males.
carhill Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Pick a typical week. How many crises do you wend your way through? How do you handle them? What do you do when things go wrong? Don't get your way? People put demands on you? How do you handle stress? For me, when I listen to and experience a woman's aura, if it gives me a stomach ache, then I know she's a drama bucket. Lack of stomach ache equals drama-free. My GI tract is rarely wrong Today my friend has an anatomy final. There's a little zit on the back of my neck that pops up whenever I sense stress. It's got a nice head on it today. Also, stomach ache is more like nausea. She's not doing well.....
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I am not an emotional mess in terms of self-control, value systems, my goal, etc. However, I am also an emotional mess in terms of situation. And I feel like everyone in their mid-to-late 20s go through this stage of discontent/re-adjustment/re-evaluation. And that's where I am perplexed. What do 30ish men actually mean by "drama-free" "baggage-free" when they want 20ish young women who are naturally quite confused? Finding a new job is not drama. Having trust issues because your last BF cheated on you... thats drama. I've noticed that the ones who enjoy gossiping, also tend to be baggage laden drama queens.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 To me, that's code for "free of annoying emotional needs and expectations that will require my participation in an actual relationship".
Trialbyfire Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 To me, that's code for "free of annoying emotional needs and expectations that will require my participation in an actual relationship". Are you listening, OP?
paddington bear Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 To me, that's code for "free of annoying emotional needs and expectations that will require my participation in an actual relationship". Well now ms Slippers...I'd never thought about it that way...worst of all, you're probably right
bean1 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I'm no longer single, but when I was, I automatically crossed off anyone would said they wanted "drama free/no baggge", etc. Anyone who was/is dating someone with issues/drama/baggage likely had their end of the deal too. Either they didn't have the self-esteem to cut it off or they were gas on the fire. Stable people don't tolerate unstable people. Tell me what you offer ME ... I don't care about whatever wackjob you dated in the past yet wouldn't dump them. It's no different than people claiming they have a "psycho" ex who is still in their life without any restraining order.
Star Gazer Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 The last guy I dated who was looking for someone "drama free" flipped out and dropped me after I called him out on full on standing me up. Putting my foot down was the equivalent of "drama" to him.
fral945 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Drama free to me (which means low drama, as no woman is drama free) basically means someone who doesn't make my life a lot more stressful. Some examples would be: No kids or crazy exes still in the picture, doesn't have issues with money (i.e., out of control spending), doesn't bicker constantly with friends and family, doesn't use me excessively as an emotional punching bag, is reasonable and accountable for her actions, doesn't keep score........ (I'm sure I could think of a few more, but you get the picture I hope).
D-Lish Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 .....I am perplexed. What do 30ish men actually mean by "drama-free" "baggage-free" when they want 20ish young women who are naturally quite confused? It means they want a woman with the mind and experience of a 40 year old and the body and face of a 20 year old.
Author eiithan Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Pick a typical week. How many crises do you wend your way through? How do you handle them? What do you do when things go wrong? Don't get your way? People put demands on you? How do you handle stress? I think you made an excellent point. As I grow older, I find it harder to let the tears out while the internal emotions are quite wrapped up. I gradually began to understand the scenes of abrupt emotional release in films which did not make much sense to me when I was young (ex. Uma Thurman locks up herself in the bathroom and cry by the end of Kill Bill 2, although it's kind of a poor example). The stress management seems to be one thing we don't really learn in college despite of the pressures of exams and other stressful factors, and also the biggest challenge upon the entrance to the real world. And I do see, thanks for your articulation, stress management is something I need to master before having an emotional involvement with another person.
Author eiithan Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Drama free to me (which means low drama, as no woman is drama free) basically means someone who doesn't make my life a lot more stressful. Some examples would be: No kids or crazy exes still in the picture, doesn't have issues with money (i.e., out of control spending), doesn't bicker constantly with friends and family, doesn't use me excessively as an emotional punching bag, is reasonable and accountable for her actions, doesn't keep score........ (I'm sure I could think of a few more, but you get the picture I hope). Do you think it could be also relative? There are artistic folks who are more open to express their emotions (I'm not talking about the ridiculous level nervous breakdowns, or crazy exs/abusive relationship/traumatic history) and those who are more in control of their emotions, and to the latter, the artistic people may seem excessively emotional and melodramatic to begin with.
carhill Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 OP, I love a drama addict, so I'll share.... BTW, nausea is gone; test is over. 1. Constant upheaval in family. Parents distant and unaffectionate; siblings unreliable; children with money/relationship issues. Always a crisis. 2. Nearly constant "venting".... Internalizes stress, then blows a gasket, but doesn't take consistent positive steps to deal with the stressor. Rinse and repeat. 3. Always "behind". Rush, rush. Forgot this; forget that; no time. Too much on plate. Takes on too many responsibilities and then complains about them. 4. Seemingly always in a dramatic relationship. Jealousy, infidelity, you name it. More venting. Life is seemingly outside of the person's control. Now, if I can find a happy medium between the above and the emotional vacuum which was my wife, I'll be one happy camper. I don't mind a bit of "drama" because it tells me the person at least has some emotional expressiveness, but I want to feel that we're a team and we can handle her issues and mine with healthy interdependence. One can dream
refurb Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Drama-free is just another way of saying someone who has their life under control. It goes beyond dating. How many women here have girlfriends who seem to just crave drama? Always making poor decisions and then complaining about the outcome? If they don't create their own drama they feel a need to involve themselves in others peoples problems? There is a big difference between the inevitable drama of everyday life and the drama that some women just seem to attract. RF
carhill Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Dollars to donuts those drama-free women are going "hey! Over here!" because men find their existence to be a flat line. Just like we often ascribe to women, what men say they want and what they're attracted to are often very different
Trialbyfire Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Find me one person (male or female) who doesn't have some form of baggage and I can confidently state that this individual is an infant! For those having problems understanding baggage, they're called experience points in RPGs...
Ruby Slippers Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 How many women here have girlfriends who seem to just crave drama? Of all the friends I've had, from childhood to now, I can only think of one who craved drama and stirred ****. She was a compulsive little liar from 5th grade. All the dozens of others did not seek drama. I think when a man starts complaining about a woman's "drama", more often than not, she's simply distressed because he is not able or willing to participate in the relationship on an emotional level, in spite of whatever hints, suggestions, or outright promises he may have made to suggest otherwise (probably to get sex). The "drama" is the natural emotional reaction to disappointment or loss, before she concludes that this guy isn't worth her time or effort. If a guy complains that he's had to endure a lot of drama in the past, I assume he's probably not very good at doing his part to have a healthy relationship. Treat people well, and you'll find that you get a whole lot less "drama".
Shygirl15 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I wonder if they know the meaning themselves... Most of these guys simply copy from each other's profiles anyways, which probably why you have seen more or less the same wordings in every profile you read.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Of all the friends I've had, from childhood to now, I can only think of one who craved drama and stirred ****. She was a compulsive little liar from 5th grade. All the dozens of others did not seek drama. I think when a man starts complaining about a woman's "drama", more often than not, she's simply distressed because he is not able or willing to participate in the relationship on an emotional level, in spite of whatever hints, suggestions, or outright promises he may have made to suggest otherwise (probably to get sex). The "drama" is the natural emotional reaction to disappointment or loss, before she concludes that this guy isn't worth her time or effort. If a guy complains that he's had to endure a lot of drama in the past, I assume he's probably not very good at doing his part to have a healthy relationship. Treat people well, and you'll find that you get a whole lot less "drama". Oh, agreed. Yes indeed. I find that "drama" many times means that the women is setting boundaries. So the guy booty texts her at midnight, and she does not respond. She is telling him, not good enough. Suddenly, she is so "drama". Whatev.
Enema Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 29 year old man here. I take those terms to mean they want a woman that doesn't: - get jealous/controlling/possessive - want to monopolize my time - have crazy ex-boyfriends - get overly emotional - make me her life - expect to be treated like a princess
missmich Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I'm just glad that the man I met a couple months ago didn't run away (fast) when I told him I was a Drama Queen. He doesn't think it's a flaw but a trait. I'm working on the issues that cause me to be a Drama Queen and so far have made a lot of progress (in part b/c of loveshack).
Woggle Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 It means that a woman knows how to relax and actually enjoy life instead of having some emotional crisis every other day. Some women don't know how to be content and just enjoy the ride and I think this is what these men are talking about.
Sam Spade Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Find me one person (male or female) who doesn't have some form of baggage and I can confidently state that this individual is an infant! For those having problems understanding baggage, they're called experience points in RPGs... Whatever . There are people with lots of baggage and zero self-awareness and people with limited exposure, with tons of self-awareness. Drama free was defined pretty good so far - mellow attitude and having one's life under control. That's pretty much it. My ex is 32 and drama-full --> always behind in everything, always a crisis, always emotional dissatisfaction, always something. My current gf is 30 and drama free - happy, mellow, relaxed, accountable, such a joy to be around. With drama-full, no matter what you do, there will be crisis. With drama-free, as long as you treat her well there will be no crisis.
Sam Spade Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Dollars to donuts those drama-free women are going "hey! Over here!" because men find their existence to be a flat line. Just like we often ascribe to women, what men say they want and what they're attracted to are often very different Not me . Admittedly, it took me some getting used to to a drama-free life, but I wouldn't exchange it for anything now.
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